http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1065951-funny-replies-you-make-to-npcs/page__p__15486763__fromsearch__1&#entry15486763

So, what replies do you make to NPCs?

NPC: "It..It's you! The Hero of Kvatch! this is truly an honor!"
Me: "You bet it is. Fear the master of Daedric Pwnage! Bow before my Awesomeness!"

NPC: "What do you want?"
Me "To find the Holy Grail...oops, wrong quest."

Guard, when asked about directions: "What are you looking for?"
Me: "The castle of Aaarrg. Ah nuts. I've got the wrong quest again."

Guard: "You have my ear citizen."
Me: "What?! Take it back, I don't want it!"

NPC: "You smell of death. Been conjuring up dead things lately?"
Me: "Nope, I've been making them for Falanu Hlaalu!" *kills NPC* Me: "Oh yes. She'll like you."

Shopkeeper: "A pleasure to serve you", Me: "A pleasure to pleasure you"

Dremora: "Weep, fettlekyn!", Me: "Who are you calling a fettlekyn? You're the fettlekyn!"

Bandit: "Let's get this over with!" Me after killing the bandit: "Fast enough for you?"

"By Azura, By Azura, By A-*smack!*"

I'm guessing you're a Monty Python fan, Vyper.

Absolutely. What can I say? I'm partial to snakes. :laugh:

did that today with shadowrend. he SURVIVED

That's unfortunate

I would give him a pat on the back for that...

...on top of dive rock


Imperial Guard says to my high level character: "I fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you!"

*Kills Guard* Me: "Dude are we from the same realm?"

"By Azura, by Azura, by Azura!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa.........."

*Running away*

NPC: "I spoke with Deetsan at the Mages' Guild recently. I've never seen anyone so happy about being in the g..."
Me: "A witch! A witch! Burn her! ... She turned herself into a newt."

Basically, everytime a NPC is rude to me I just go "Oh fine then. Be that way." Like I would to a person in real life.
:P

Male Guard to my Male PC - Look at the muscles on you!
Me to Male Guard - Look man, I don't roll like that, so lets just walk away?

Random Civilian to me - How about mixing some potions? You look like quite the Alchemist.
Me - In What way can you look like an alchemist? What, do I have ingredients on me? Ive been fighting in the wilderness. There are plants, get over it.

Mraaj-Dar - Foul Smelling Ape
Me - You'll get yours, believe me.

Mage Scholar - Hmm? Yes, yes Im sure you have something exceedingly important to say, but I am very busy. The Apprentices dont teach themselves!
Me, the archmage - ... Oh what? Yes sorry I was just going to tell you youve been expelled from the mages guild, bring me back 30 Clannfear Claws, 15 Scamp Skins and 40 Daedra Hearts straight from oblivion. Now get the [censored] out of my University.

Janus Hassildor - Are you crazy? Of course this was a trap, what would make you think I would want to meet you here? At this time?
Me - You are a Vampire, I put 2 and 2 together. Get over it I killed them anyways.



Just a note on the mages guild.. Shouldnt they be arrested? They kill necromancers all the time. And the necromancers didnt do nothin!

Let's build a bridge out of her!


Golden Saint: "Speak quickly mortal."
Me: "I'mnewintowncanyoutellmewheretofindTheMissingPauldron?"

The Emperor: "You are the one from my dreams."
Me: "Keep talking like that, grandpa, and assassins will be the least of your concerns."

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you still can!"
Me: :blink: "How 'bout I just put an arrow through your eye instead?" *kills bandit*

Breton: "Please share your thoughts..."
Me: "Okay. ______ "

Mania civilian: "I'm not listening to you, because I don't like you."
me: "well I'm torturing you because you're a [censor] - [censorcensor]"

Me:*approaches Arvena Thelas while she's reading a book*
Arvena Thelas: *looks up when I get near* "What's this about?"
Me: "Wait, you don't even know what the book you're reading is about? You stupid N'wah!!" :slap:

Nord NPC: *uses suggestive tone* "What have we here?" :hubbahubba:
Me: "Someone who's about to shove a sword up your bum if you don't watch it."

Nord NPC: "By Ysmir's beard, we've got a live one!"
Me: "By Zenithar's toenails, this man is dead!" *kills NPC*

NPC: "Do you believe the rumors about Oblivion Gates opening up everywhere?" (or however that comment goes)
Me: "Those aren't Oblivion Gates, they're portals to realms of almost infinite wealth. Go through one and check it out." :goodjob:

npc: i've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you.
my high level character: must have been one biiiiiiiiiiiiiig mudcrab.

Hasnt happened to me personally because I like Warrior builds but, this would be funny:

Wood Elf player walks by Orc NPC:

Orc NPC: Look at the muscles on you.

NPC: you have the eyes of a trained marksman

Me: how can you see my eyes? i'm wearing a deadric healm.

FUN WITH OWYN

Owyn: "I heard a rumour that you're an idiot. Is that true?"
Me: "That may be true, but Branwen says that I'm GREAT in bed!"
Owyn: ( * glare * )

-----

Owyn: "I heard a rumour that you're an idiot. Is that true?"
Me: "I heard a rumour that in private, Ysabel wears a kinky black leather suit, and has a whip and wrist irons. Is that true?"
Owyn: ( * glare * )

Sometimes I pass Khajiit wearing fur armor... I figure its best to just keep walking.

Shopkeeper: "I have the finest goods, and lowest prices in all Tamriel"

Me: "Thats what the last guy said"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guard: "Why..Won't..You..Die!!"

Me: "I leveled up since last time you killed me "
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cheydinhaal Orc: "Well aren't you the high Tom-T1tty!"

Me: "Up yours too, buddy"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I actually changed the "You have my ear, citizen" line to "You have my ear, citizen. Give it back.", including a voice to the last phrase

Adoring Fan: "By Azura, By Azura, By Azura, It's the Grand Champion"

Sample Responses:

"No, really? Where did you come up with that? Could it be my armor?"

"Do you want to know how I became Grand Champion? Because I kill people. People far less annoying than you."

"By Mara, By Mara, By Mara, It's the Grand Idiot!"

"Have you ever heard of Glarthir? In Skingrad? He is what happens when a Wood Elf annoys me. It wasn't a pretty sight, mind you..."

Bandit: "I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you!"

Me: "I may not be fearsome, but I'll kick your @ss!" *Kills bandit with one hit*