Heard this one for the first time a little while ago:

Bandit: "Throw yourself on my sword while you still can!"
Me: :blink: "That's just wrong." *kills bandit*

Imperial Legion Guard: "All hail the Champion of Cyrodil!"

Me: "Darn right I am and don't you forget it."



Honditar: "They say when you murder someone the Dark Brotherhood comes to you in your sleep, it's how they recruit new members."

Chorrol Guard: "No!!!"

Honditar: "Yes..."

Me:.... :rofl:

"This is the part where you fall down and bleed-!"
(Killed by arrow to the face)

I made tons of really funny replies to NPCs with this one roleplay I was doing. I was pretending slave traders came on boat to Anvil and they were drugging and kidnapping citizens.

(hyphens are where I clicked to cut off the dialogue.)

Rebania Antus: "You, you must be working for them! No... you're my friend! Hauls-Ropes I'm being targeted!"
Hauls-Ropes-Faster: "You are stupid.-"
Rebania Antus (my character): "I'm not stupid! You see, I was in my house..."
Hauls-Ropes-Faster: "I understand-"
Rebania Antus: "And this man knocked on the door looking for my daughter..."
Hauls-Ropes-Faster: "I understand-"
Rebania Antus: "And he told me we had to come with him, and that we were his property! He WAS a slave driver!"
Hauls-Ropes-Faster: "You are stupid.-"
Rebania Antus: "I'm not stupid!"
Hauls-Ropes-Faster: "You-"
Rebania Antus: "Don't you say it!"
Hauls-Ropes-Faster: "You are stupid!"
Rebania Antus: "I don't need to... to be disgraced in this sort of way! Yo-You're making me feel so terrible, I'm leaving!"
Hauls-Ropes-Faster: "Be seeing you."
Rebania Antus: :stare: "Hauls-Ropes-Faster, you're very mean to me." (I exit dialogue and my daughter enters)
Hauls-Ropes-Faster: "Hello there!"
Rebania Antus: :blink: We're getting out of here Elania.

I've also seen NPCs go bipolar:

"Hail!"
"What's the news from the other parts of Tamriel?"
"You're talking again, and I don't like it." (It was something like that)
"Hmph."

ok so i attacked travelling imperial legion guy out on the main roads once,

as we're fighting he says "I've fought mud crabs more fearsome than you!"

then later when he's almost dead a mudcrab litterally comes and steals my kill. here is how i reacted in emoticons

... :banghead:, "Damn mudcrab, he was mine!", :gun:

I saw an imperial legion forester fighting the unicorn the other day. All of the sudden, the forester says "Why...wont...you...DIIIIIIE!"

Unicorn isn't going to be hurt by your weapons, idiot. Read the message at the top of the screen.

Bandit: Show me what you've got!

Me: Okay, take a close look. *shoots arrow through bandit's eye*

NPC: Hail Citizen

Me: Any rumors lately?

NPC: You're talking to me, and I don't like you!

Me: Do you even know me?

NPC: Go away!

Alval Uvani: Get one Step closer and I'll turn your Bones to Ash!
Me: *Kills/Knocks Uvani Unconscious*

People ask me about making some potions (Alchemy of 100) or that "I look like a bright one" (for my intelligence) .

NPC: By Azura By Azura By Azura! It's the Grand Champion! Standing here, next to me!

Me: Aww, in't he cute? :wub:

100 times later...

NPC: By Azura By Azura By Azura! It's the Grand Champion! Standing here, next to me!

Me: Yeah (drops the F-bomb)... And that's final!

Adoring Fan: "Yes, oh great and mighty Grand Champion? Is there something you need? Can I carry your weapon? Shine your boots? Backrub, perhaps?"

Me: "Yes a backrub would be nice, thankyou." *waits* "Are you going to start yet? Here, let me take my shirt off and remove my sword" *pulls sword out*

Adoring Fan: "By the gods! There's a pyschopath on the loose!" *jumps off dive rock*

Me:

By the way, am I the only one that finds a young boy offering me a backrub disturbing?

No... I'd find it comfy... Well at first yes it would be creepy, but if we were close buds, backruuuub... MMMMMM comfyness!

Well I can't think of any good replies but I always laugh whenver I hear this one conversation between NPCs. It starts off "Have you heard the word..."

and all I can think of is from Family Guy and The Bird is the Word episode.



Had the exact same reaction

NPC: Heloooo... How are you today?

Me: Umm... I'm not attracted to you!

NPC: I hate mudcrabs, they are fierce little creatures.

Me: Where did that come from?

NPC: He's that wanted criminal the Imperial Watch are always after! Isn't he?

Me: You mean "Where did that come from"? Yeah he's pretty wanted!

NPC: Good Day.

Me: Yeah, up yours too!

ANNOYING FAN:by azura by azura by azura its the grand champion......next to me
me:(talks to him)
annoying fan:is there anything i can do for you(somethng along those lines)
me:yes you can go slit youu wrists and hang yourself while i stick an arrow through your neck

Adoring Fan: By Azura By Azu...*gets killed by an Ayleid trap*

Me:..... :blink: ...... :rofl:

Merchant: "I have the best goods and lowest prices in all Tamriel."
Me: "You and everybody else."

NPC: "I have a feeling you and I are about to become very close."
Me: :blink: "We just met and your hitting on me?"
or
Me: "Well yeah! I have to get 'very close' to stab you with a dagger. This isn't Vvardenfell, so I can't throw it." *kills NPC*

NPC: "What do you want?"
Me: "Everything you've got!" *kills NPC and loots corpse*

NPC: "You smell of death. Been conjuring up dead things?"
Me: "Nope. Been on a massive killing spree. Oh, and you're next on my list." *kills NPC*


:rofl:

If you ever play Dragon Age, run away when an elf offers you a backrub :lmao:

NPC: I have a feeling we are about to become very close.

Me: Heh... Oh wait you're serious. Oh [censored]! *Runs like Hell while NPC follows me around*
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NPC: Yessir?

Me: You a [censored] blwjob!

NPC: Yessir.
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NPC: It's the hero of Kvatch!

Me: Are you glitched? I haven't saved Kvatch!

NPC: By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! It's the Grand Champion! Here, standing next to me!

Me: But, you aren't the Annoying *cough good backrubz <3* Fan!

NPC: Leave or I'll turn your bones to ash!

Me: Wow, what a FUBARED NPC...

"You look like a sneaky sort"

"Good sir, out of all my skills why did you choose the one you obviousy can't see, also I obviously look like a mage so go away like a good little fly, buzz buzz."

Not funny at all, I know.

Adoring Fan: "By Azura, By Azura, By Azura it's the Grand Champion" blah blah blah, you know the rest.

Me: "Follow your Grand Champion."

*takes Adoring Fan into an Oblivion gate*

Me: "Wait here. Yes...right here."

*leaves through Oblivion gate, comes back two weeks later and finds Adoring Fan still waiting then leaves again*

NPC: Welcome to the feed bag!

Me: Yeah I need some food for my donkey.

NPC: Oh, he's that wanted thief isn't he? I heard he's a master theirf, and dangerous too!

Me: My donkey, a thief? Yoinks! GUARDS GUARDS!!! MY DONKEY IS A THIEF!

haha i laughed so hard man

Only really started playing Oblivion again recently, but i have a few : D

Beggar: Please kind sir, could you spare a coin?..
Me: Get a job!..

Beggar 2: My children are sick and hungry!..
Me: Like i just said.. get a job!

Innkeeper in Weye: Oh.. it's you..
Me: What do you mean 'it's you' i don't even know you! No.. how do you know me!!

[Shoots a Dunmer with an Arrow]
Dunmer: Hrm.. my eyes must be playing tricks on me..
Me: Dude.. you got an Arrow in your chest! Your eyes are fine!

Guard: You have my Ear citizen..
Me: Get lost!

[Places a poison apple on an NPC]
NPC: Must've been a rat..
[Five Minutes later..]
Me: Eat the Damn Apple already!!

[Beating the snot out of a NPC]
Nearby NPC: Who's there??
Me: Idiot..

Random NPC: It's you! The hero of Kvatch!

Me: You again? Stop stalking me!