Why is this not a thing that exists? Is there really no way to use Papyrus to call script on an equipped item without knowing what it is? For instance, if you want to destroy or teleport whatever the player has equipped as a helmet, or in their left hand?

Nevermind, I'm an idiot. I don't know how I didn't know GetEquippedWeapon(abLeftHand = False) wasn't what I was looking for.