...Don't we all...

Yeahh, Ytt's wierd dialogue is fine the way you wrote it. Iy is better doing it that way he said though for all his reasons, Can't say much cuz i shouldnt be awake and these heys are freakin; loud, but keep going and thanks for the comp. M_13.

Well I'm homeschooling myself, which is freaking awesome. If I can focus on school stuff- I can graduate really quickly..
Also- 100 ingots. F**k yes! It was actually really easy...probably for my dropping my tesla cannon as I entered the Pitt, before the dialouge, so i could go get it back. the Trogs had no idea what they were running at... :rofl:

Chapter 5 Metro
I slowly raised my AR with one hand, pointing it directly at the first one’s chest.
Sarah stepped slightly forward and said “Fine I’ll do this, but for one of you.”

“What?” “What about the rest of us?” “She’s trying to make us fight!”

They all started to get closer, and she put a scalpel to her neck “I’ll kill myself before you get the chance!”

One of them said “I don’t care” and got a lot of weird looks.

The rest of them backed off, and Sarah lowered the scalpel a bit, and said “We’re leaving, through your metro, and if either of us sees any of you following, we’ll shoot on sight.”
As we backed into the metro, echoes of their lies of safety came from scraqes and low growls inside the metro, which they locked and blocked off behind us. I checked my AR, glad I didn’t have to waste bullets on their stupid hides.

About a hundred feet in the darkness started collecting around us, like the dust and dank air, and suddenly a beam of light appeared ahead of us, and voices were whispering. I readied my AR and aimed down the sight at the flashlight that turned the corner, as we both slid against the wall that was the corner they were coming around. Sarah drew her pistol, but held it close to her. She didn’t seem to want to use it. The way her fingers were placed against it told me she know how to use it though…

They turned the corner, barely missing us with the flashlight, and as they passed, I put the cold barrel of my AR against the back of the back one’s bare neck. He squealed “Something’s got me!!” and started running forward. I ducked, expecting bullets, because the front one had a bulky pistol-like weapon, I couldn’t tell because it was dark. He turned and aimed the gun way too far up for him to know what he was doing, and let off a huge blast from his sawed-off. Most of the buckshot stuck into the roof, three pieces, though, ricocheted into my right arm. I yelled in agony, after a second of trying to hold it in.

“Muties! Run faster; let’s get out of here, Cole!”

“Muties?” I said, rather confusedly, as Sarah put a stimpack in my shoulder, and began to pull the b.b’s out with tweezers.

Thankfully I couldn’t feel any of it due to adrenaline moving the stim so quickly.

“Probably mutant versions of humans that have gone rather mad…” She said distractedly as she was focused on sewing me up as fast as possible. Feral Ghoul groans, scraqes, and screams were reverberating through my soul. Racking my mind, and beginning to scare me... I brought my self together with the though that I have plenty of ammo, and I found a flash bang grenade for if I extremely need the light.

“All done!” Sarah said excitedly.
“Yay” I said through clenched teeth as the pain started to come through the stim. “We need to keep moving.”
Sarah got up without a word and pulled out a flashlight of her own. “I heard them drop something” She said as she turned it on, and a rather grisly ghoul was standing in front of her.

Well Damnit, I was hoping to leave this as a cliff hanger, but I was too excited about the next chapter. Even thought the whole thing is kinda cliche`... Here goes!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 6 Light is your friend

I raised my AR, but he wasn’t attacking.

“Water...” His voice sounded dead, and his eyes as he looked at me were so sad and painful, I had to pull out my pack, and produce a bottle of water for him. He looked at me thankfully.. “Free?.”
“Yes, absolutely”
He practically tossed the whole bottle down his throat, and then talked much more easily. “Thank you so much, I’m George.”
Sarah, full of pity, said “I’m sorry for what’s happened to you..-”
George looked rather withdrawn “What’s happened to me?”
“You’re a ghoul.”
“What? I’m one of those…zombies?”
“No, you’re a person like anyone el- ”
“NO! It can’t be true; it can never happen to me, If Shannon was to ever see me like this…no, just No!” He looked at Sarah hatefully and ran into the darkness.

Sarah looked wistfully off in the direction he ran. “I wonder if I’ll ever see another sane one…”

“He just wasted my water!” I said, rather put off.

“He needed it more than you, and it’ll hold him up for weeks.”

“Whatever…” We walked until we reached a two- way intersection. The way to the right was blocked be the train, which looked to have derailed, and then the tunnel had caved in on itself. Through the still intact front windshield I could see flesh still hanging from the skeletons and dried blood throughout.

“This is useful!” Sarah said as she tore the front light out of the socket of the train. I shrugged and looked at it, not realizing its use until she hooked a small nuclear generator up to it, and the bright light filled the tunnel so far I could see the end of the tunnel, and all the Ferals that filled it, if I hadn’t had to cover my eyes. The light drew so much energy from it that it died again almost immediately.

I heard several screams, a few growls, and one bloodcurdling roar. “Reaver!” Sarah yelled as she began to fire the pistol into the ghouls, tearing through flesh and bone, all the time whispering “They’re not human, they’re not human”

I couldn’t see a thing because the first light killed my night vision. I threw a frag to see if I could get some light out of it, but forgot to pull the pin. I immediately remembered the flash bang, which I yanked off my belt, and underhanded it into the roof to detonate it faster, and readied my AR. The flash burned a few of them, and blinded quite a few into cowering from it, but a large amount ignored it, and ran at us; the freshest smelling meat in the whole metro.

As Sarah reloaded, I unloaded into the horde of charging, hungry ferals. I shot in bursts at them, but they kept coming too quickly. They were on us in fifteen seconds, most of them bleeding from bullet wounds, a few of them missing limbs. Sarah screamed as two started to drag her off, and I shot them both in the torso a bunch as a feral behind me took a bite out of my shoulder. The pain was ridiculous. The ferals dragging Sarah away fell over her, and she fainted, making a bunch of the ghouls around her uninterested. They also ran at me.

It’s time for quick decisions, leave her and make a run for it and die from bleeding, or help her and die piece by bloody piece. I grabbed my last frag, whispered “Hope this works!” and pulled the pin, tossed it up, and laid down. The resulting blast scared the excess away, killed the fifteen around me, and the two over me protected me from the blast. A piece of one’s arm was in my side, though, the pain was residing, but I think that’s because I’m passing out….

Chapter 8 Ghoulification
I woke again, a lot of pain pulsing through my side, a raging headache, and a ghoul standing over me. “Sarah?”
“Yeah?” She sounded a bit too fine to have just fainted under the weight of a few ferals.
The Ghoul over me said “You barely survived, lost a lot of blood, don’t try to stand, or sit up”
“I’m kinda strapped-”
“Exactly” Sarah said, distractedly. “To help you heal; you were seriously [censored] up two days ago, before George saved us and I had a chance to fix you up.”
Well, this is the longest I’ve been out. “Two days? What happened?”
George, rather put-together after an emotional breakdown, said with a rather grisly voice “After I accepted my fate, appearance, and my duties, I returned with my trusty Laser Rifle Mark II, custom made” He boasted his LRMII slightly. “I killed all of the stragglers that I could see, woke Sarah here up,” He pointed to her in reference “Asked her why she had tools for surgery, while dragging you here, and when I set you down, and said ‘It’s safe’, she immediately strapped you down, and she started to work on you.”
“Well thanks, George. What can I ever do to repay you?” I said sarcastically.
“Well you can help by not shooting EVERY ghoul you see out there.” George retorted.
Sarah coughed, unstrapped my torso, and said “You heal rather fast, which is good. You should be able to walk by the afternoon. And yes I have a watch.” She looked thoughtful “You also seem to emit small amounts of radiation. I don’t exactly know why, though.”

“He’s becoming a ghoul, if you look closely, his fingernails are turning a light green and the top layer is slowly peeling itself off. All of this I can see in this darkness, thus you should be able to see it in light.” George said dramatically.
“Then why doesn’t he look like you?” Sarah said slowly.
“He’s beginning to. He’s just changing in a much slower rate.”
Not wanting to slowly rot while being alive, I slowly raised one of my knives to my throat, and pressed against it, I gulped, swallowing all my want to live, and it stopped right next to my heart, which was pulsating quickly. George noticed this, Sarah had not because it was so dark. My knife gleamed against some light from a vent on the roof. George spoke: “Suicide is not an option at this point, I do believe you’ve promised to help this young girl reach D.C., otherwise I would never have said a thing, and let you proceed at slitting your own throat in the dark.”
To this, I lowered my knife. Sarah took it from my hand, and slid it into her purse. The light from the vent was slowly brightening. “What time is it, Sarah?” George asked.
A dim green light came from a small watch on her wrist, and she squinted at it “six in the A.M., George.”
George looked up, “Then what the hell is that?” The light focused in through the vent, George was struck with it. The light slowly rose to his face, and then dimmed back out.
“Yep, FEV virus type B positive, flush it out!” A random voice probed the darkness. The vent rose, light poured in, and so did a small grey tube.

The world exploded in light. All three of us were blinded. I slashed my leg restraints, and went to get up, and felt the familiar cold steel of my AR beneath my bare foot. The fresh air coming from the now opened vent brushed my bare chest, then something I barely expected happened, Sarah hugged to my chest, shivering. My AR was around her, but when I pulled the trigger it went click. This was bad....

Chapter 5


This was bearable to me, but borderline unreal. Now I know my guns and I know that a sawed-off is not more powerful than a regular, from a long rage. Now, hitting the roof a few yards ahead is fine, but I don't think it would ricochet. If anything it would fall to the ground, or lodge itself into the ceiling (depending on the ceiling). I don't want you to think I'm a stickler. It's just I wouldn't want you to submit this to some real publishers and haven them not take you seriously.



Just before this she said run, which made me think they were running. So either they stopped running or she learned how to run and pry bullets and sew at the same time. I'd just like things to slow down and be more descriptive.



This is something that I didn't understand that other's might. You said you lost you memory, and stated that you didn't know what a mutie was, but then you suddenly remembered ferals? Now it could easily be just a flashback of your past resurfacing, but how can I really know that if you don't write it.

Chapter 6
Good job, great action. Only problem here is...



The bombs had just dropped, so names for these creatures like "Reaver" or "Deathclaw" weren't made. Us could be cheap and say she made the word up on the spot, and it somehow stuck, but that's your only alibi. Otherwise, all good from an above-par perspective.

Chapter 7



that comma at eh end must've slipped out while you weren't lookin' eh? And you used 'rather' twice, and slowly, which is frowned upon in writing etiquette, but its only etiquette, nobody gives a sh*t. Lastly, you seem to use slowly alot. I suggest a thesaurus that I keep in a tab next to this one so I won't make myself use the same words. I know word searching isn't fun, but the work really shows off in writing.

sorry. that wasn't clear. The guys with the flashlight yelled muties -- "“Muties! Run faster; let’s get out of here, Cole!” so, yeah, Leroy and Sarah were sitting there. The guys he scared off by yelling after the guy shot a sawed off ten, fifteen feet from them, at the -subway/metro- roof , which ricocheted into him. The guys thought Leroy was a mutie from his yelling.
About the feral ghouls thing, he'd heard ghouls, just not ferals. so yeah, whoops. And his memory loss consist of most of what happened in his life before the bombs. Except killing Roy, and a few other things, I do believe.

Please at some point kill all characters so far who have had a sothern accent. Other than that, yay encouragement!
.......ya

Chapter 9 Enclave
I heard a gunshot, and a horrible thump-splat of a bloody body hitting the ground, and then a familiar voice came through “I remember you…”
Sarah clenched harder to me, and something yanked the AR out of my hands. I gripped Sarah closer, then the light finally began to fade, my eyes stinging from being dried out by the heat of the flash bang. I saw a familiar face, Larry. But he was in power armor, so he was much more intimidating. “You two, get on the vertibird, might as well not kill you yet.” He gestured to the gyrocopter-looking machine above us. I looked down sorrowfully, at George’s body. I looked back up; a ladder was stuck rudely through the vent hole. We ascended cautiously, her somehow still clenched to me, and we boarded the vertibird, which had three more guys in power armor looking tough and militant.

Sarah’s eyes were closed the entire flight. She looked sickly. I nodded at one of the guys to get his attention “Where are we going?”
“Classified”
“Well do you have any food; she won’t survive much longer without any. We’ve got plenty of water, we can trade.”
“We don’t trade with locals.”
“Locals? You saying you’re part of the army, but you’re not from here? Great way to get the support of the people.”
“We are the people.”
“What the hell does that even mean?”
He breathed out anxious for the conversation to end “You aren’t even human.”
My face was getting hot with anger “What? Just because you were lucky enough to NOT get irradiated, and grow a third arm, that means you’re the only sane or even human beings?”
“Pretty much” He raised his laser rifle, indicating the end of our peachy conversation.

We landed roughly, bouncing along dirt. Sarah was looking sicker every minute. “Get these locals off my bird, Lieutenant” The pilot said as if agitated at our existence. The one I talked to pointed his laser rifle at us again, and gestured at the tent with a yellow light pouring out of the flap a hundred or so feet from the vertibird. I picked up Sarah, and walked military-like all the way to the tent.

The vertibird took off behind us, and I looked around. There was nothing but dirt and small hills as far as I could see. We were alone at the moment, in the dark desert, except for the somewhat ominous tent in front of me. I shrugged and walked through the flaps and a scientist-looking guy in a chair in front of a lab experiment said “I thought they’d never bring my subjects! Sit on the cot, and don’t touch anything!” This guy was already starting to piss me off…

I laid Sarah down on the cot, and looked through my pack for anything to supplement food. Tea leaves and Coffee grounds. I got up and grabbed the scientist’s shoulder and whispered in his ear “Do anything to her while I’m gone an’ you’ll die slowly.” I left and looked around again.

A rock, some puddles which seemed to glow slightly, and nothing else. I grabbed the rock; it was made of loose pebbles and granite. I used one of my knives to make it into a bowlish thing. I got some water, and made a small fire using a strip of my pants and some gunpowder from about four 10mm shells. I got some water in the makeshift bowl, and boiled the water down using the fire. Then I used part of my undershirt as a filter to clean the water. I dumped the excess chemicals. I then proceeded to make coffee. The water began to glow the longer I was near it, so I watched it from a safe distance. I don’t want her to die of radiation poisoning, after all. When it looked decent, I set it off to one side of the fire to cool down.

When the coffee was cool enough, I took it in to Sarah. The doctor had her hooked up to an IV, and an orange pouch labeled RadAway was also connected to it. She looked healthier. She wasn’t conscious, though, so I put my pistol to the scientist’s head. “I’d rather you not kill me, I’m just trying to help. The coffee smells great though, mind if I have some?” He said calmly. “She was going to die of radiation poisoning caused by you.” As I dropped my pistol down from his head, he dumped a nearby beaker of yellow liquid out, and set it to the right of him. “Please, I would really like some coffee to keep me awake to look after Sarah.”
“How do you know her name?”

“DNA match. Sadly, she also has the FEV type B30, so if you don’t play nice, I’ll tell my friends in Power Armor to destroy you both.”
As I poured a bit of my coffee, which I sadly couldn’t smell, I loved the smell of coffee, I wondered about what the full extent of ‘playing nice’ is. “What’s FEV?”
He shifted the way he was sitting, as if uncomfortable talking about it. “Forced Evolution Virus. We don’t know who created it yet, but it makes important change in human and animal DNA to where they mutate. Type B makes them into Ghouls, just not very fast in her case, as in B30, the larger the number, the harder to calculate exactly when; she will change very slowly.” He spun his chair around with an empty syringe in hand, and suggested at my arm “If you let me take some of your blood, I could inform you if you have it and how fast you should change if you do.”

I lent my arm to him, and he drew some of my blood, plugged it to something hooked up to a computer, and waited. The computer made a ‘ding’ noise, and he started reading the screen. “You have type B15.”
“And what does that mean?”

“It means if you don’t get shot you should live fifteen times twenty four... Approximately three hundred and sixty years, without full deterioration, with only two percent deterioration every five years up to 76% and then the rest randomly until 95% at which point you will become feral, or basically a zombie.” He looked at me with ill intent behind his eyes.
“So now what happens to us?” I said after a few seconds of nothing happening.
“My friends take you to wherever you want to go, once I radio them after drinking the rest of your coffee, which I will gladly trade for three days of rations.”
“That’s more than generous of you.”
“I like coffee, and I would like you to live as long as you can, and make a mark on the wasteland that is now the U.S., a positive one. Promise me this.”
“Done. Just for you.” I think I lied, but with such a long expected lifespan…
My thoughts derailed as Sarah got up, the IV empty, and pulled the needle out of her arm. At the moment all I could think of was her and her safety. I went to her side, looking to offer help, and she pushed me away. “Remember you emit radiation, buddy. Don’t get too close!” She said.
I backed off, and then I heard the now familiar sound of a vertibird landing out side. The scientist handed me my bag, with a lot of extra weight in it. “I added a bit of extra ammo, hope it helps!”
Sarah said drearily, “What’s your name?”
“That’s classified information, young girl.”

And with that he gestured us out of the tent, and we walked to the vertibird, me now sitting alone off to one side. Sarah sat near one of the Enclave soldiers, and was talking about what they were doing. She was talking about helping them, going wherever they needed her, and the guy was talking about going to Mariposa, California. She agreed to go there with him, and asked me where I wanted to go. I said “D.C.” and the pilot spoke up. “We’ll put you on another bird when we stop by at Central.” And that is how our relationship ended. Her going her way, while I was going mine.


--------Yes I know- cliche'--------
P.S. Galen- That's her 'death scene' be happy that she's gone since you didn't like her.
P.P.S. I already had that planned- she becomes Sarah in Mariposa from Fallout 1. I didn't dissapear her for Galen's sake.

I used one of the few rusted knives I had left to create a small depression in the rock. It took me a couple minutes and by the time I was done, my knife had become a steel stick. I had to keep glancing back at the doc to make sure he wasn't making moves.


Thats a better, more detailed and more realistic version of it. In all reality you couldn't do that to a rock with only a knife. You could sharpen it, but not carve a depression in it, at least not to my immediate knowledge.



was he like a navy seal before this, or survivorman? How does he know these things, it should be explained in the book, which would be perfectly fine. Maybe just say 'I don't know how I knew, but everything I did came naturally, as if I'd known it already.' Also, you forgot how to say how you lit the fire, because friction isn't an answer if you're using gun powder and cloth. Just say you found a lighter or something. Lastly, say:


I poured my water into my makeshift bowl which I supported over the fire with a few slabs of concrete and some surgical tubing, which I snatched from the doctors desk.

You see?



As I poured a bit of coffee -- which sadly I couldn't smell because I loved the smell of coffee -- I wondered about what the full extent of ‘playing nice’ was.



You called him a doctor first, then a scientist, which was little, but inconsistent. I like you developed their relationship over time. It really felt genuine and sublte. I didn't even notice all the clues. I wish I played FO1 but I have no money, have no good PC's, and have no outlets.

I don't remember calling him a doctor, but yeah, the fire thing, I read it over a few times while writing and couldn't think of a way to put in how he knew. I confused myself trying, so I eventually gave up on it. And I haven't played FO1, but I researched the gameplay and characters, and put her where I saw fit.

Really pay attention to what you write, and also I'd really, really appreciate if you read and commented on mines.

ahh..I'll attempt. And I personally am not the best critique, but otherwise, I love your work. It's really great, and I see no problems with it other than the occasional grammer mistake that I don't want ot point out really, because I've been typing mine in Word, so it tells me how to correct it and such, so I don't feel like i should be pulling them out and shoving 'em under a spotlight.

Chapter 10 Get off’a my lawn!
At central I got off one vertibird and onto another, Sarah suggesting I take all of my things, including the rations, and she gave me five stimpacks. She hugged me goodbye, after popping some Rad-X. I fell asleep on the vertibird I believed to be going to D.C.

An alarming jolt woke me, as lightning struck past the vertibird. “We’re going to have to make an emergency landing; that bolt killed half our fuel supply.” the pilot yelled over the pounding of rain against the metal walls of the vertibird. My gut jumped up into my chest as we sharply went down between a few farm buildings, and a silo that was tipped over. We all got out into the rain, during the night. It was warm; we went to the house which had its lights running
.
One of them roughly grabbed my shoulder, and shoved me head first through the saloon-style doors, already swinging on their hinges. I shot to the floor, lying on white tile, assuming that it was an old couple’s house, and the owner would be wielding a shotgun, like in the movies. Instead, after a little laughing from the guy who shoved me, two of them stood me up, and walked me to a room. I went in, and they locked the door behind me.

I faintly heard one of them say “Guard him at all times, we can’t let the scientist’s words go to waste.” One of them laughed, and I heard scraping as something heavy was pushed in front of the door. I surveyed the room, and there was a small drawer, a dresser, a door leading to a closet, a nice bed, and only a small window. The men outside made me uneasy, but other than that, the place was quite cozy. I let my pack fall to the side of the bed as I laid on the bed, and promptly started to think about my situation.

The window is small to fit through, and the walls are three to five inches thick hardwood, so I can’t break out without them getting to me first. They took my frag, which was smart of them, and so I decided to probe the walls. I found a bee hole dug into the wall, making a weak spot, but it was in front of a building support post. Inside the closet the walls were thin, to where I could hear a guy snoring. The bed had metal springs in it, which could be useful for something.

I loaded my AR and my pistol, and grabbed my pack from next to the bed. I pushed the dresser close to the door, and then leaned it flat-ways onto it, to block it. The resulting thump alerted my guards, who started moving their heavy object out of the way, and began ramming the door. A few laser shots came through the door, and an eye appeared through the hole. I put the pistol against the hole, and pulled the trigger. “[censored]-it! Jack’s dead! The subject has barricaded the door!” I holstered my pistol, and found a hat in the dresser, which had one door open now. I spun it around, and put it on. In the small mirror on the inside of the door, I checked the hat. It was awesome.

I use my AR as a ram, and broke through the closet wall, the sleeping soldier was undeterred. I decided to pull a few cables in his power armor that looked important. A small alarm from his suit woke him up, and he couldn’t move. He glared at me, and I took all his ammo, and his grenades. Two frags, plasma, and pulse grenades. The plasmas I rigged to the door, and I kept a frag handy. I twisted the ends of the plasmas, and backed to the other side of the room, covering my ears. The blast shook my whole body. There was a burning hole about four feet in radius from the center of the bombs. The fumes from the ground burning made my eyes sting. I jumped the small gap, and turned to face my guards, both of which were sprawled on the ground grabbing at their’ faces. I stepped over them, and went into the kitchen area, which was filled with laboratory equipment.

I ran out of the front door, my AR ready, and saw that the vertibird was gone. And there was fence all the way around the building. It was morning, and the sun was beginning to come over the horizon, blood red and clouds were covering the world like a blanket. It was humid but cold. A bang from behind me snapped me back to reality and away from judging the weather. I turned to see four power-armored guys coming through the front doors, one of them was wielding a strange looking rifle, and the barrel was too wide to shoot normal bullets. He raised it, aimed it at me, and fired. I was too confused and wondering what the weapon did to move or shoot back. A powerful electrical current ripped through my body as the round hit me, and I passed out as I lost control of bodily functions…

I woke up in a different room on an operation table, strapped down, with all my stuff on a nearby table. My pants were warm and wet, meaning I pissed myself when the tazer hit me, and that I wasn’t out long, meaning I was in the same place. I was alone at the moment. After twelve minutes of me counting, the lights went out, and someone outside yelled “We’ve been compromised, time to go!” Then a different light came on that was more orange and yellow than the original white light, and blinked on and off. I made my head hurt and I wanted to get out as fast as possible. Lots of gunshots went off in the hall, riddling holes in the wall around the doorway. Lasers followed, then the door blew open, and the scientist walked through the hole, and said “Sorry about my friends, and if you didn’t get any sleep, but we have to go.”
“Gladly, any of ‘em for me to shoot?”
“Plenty, we didn’t kill them all. Yet.”
“Who’re your new friends” I asked, while pointing over his shoulder at the guys in power armor that was marked with red stripes, and was darker than the others. “They’re from D.C. where an Enclave group called The Brotherhood Of Steel has changed it’s motives. These ones, though, stayed on the original idea, and are now referred to as The Outcast.” One of them nodded at me, and the other tossed me a clip of 5.56 ammo. I popped it into my AR after taking my other clip out. I shoved the other clip under my belt, and we all headed out, the scientist taking the rear with a plasma pistol, which made me jumpy.

We took a left into the kitchen, and then out of the door. Six guys were waiting for us. The Outcast guys, both with laser rifles and Chinese AR’s on their’ backs; shot a line of blasts into them, taking them all out without warning. We headed toward the vertibird that was waiting for us, and suddenly lasers shot past our heads, and I turned to see two Enclave troopers come around the corner. I aimed for their’ heads, and fired in bursts until they both fell. The one on the right shot one of the Outcast guys in the leg before he went down, though. We boarded the Vertibird, the scientist piloting it, and took off as another six guys poured out of the front doors, looking angry at us.
“Where to?” I yelled to the scientist flying us.
“Raven Rock, our outpost in D.C. and by the way the name’s Pinkerton.”
“I’m Leroy, if you don’t know already.”
“I didn’t, thanks for trusting me as much as I do you.”
“It’s really no problem.”
The outcast across from me, closest to the pilot spoke up “You should get some sleep; there’s less than comfortable sleeping circumstances at Raven.”
I nodded, feeling groggy, warm, and surprisingly safe in the vertibird, so I leaned against a cushion used to buffer people from the edges of the doors, and went to sleep. Finally I wasn’t passing out to be unconscious…

Before you read this, I need to preface that although I preferred your other chapters to this one, I still enjoy your writing. In addition, you can go back and change your post, which I suggest.



So they take your frag, but not your weapons? Come on man, you gotta think this through.



<_< really? I guess this is passable for comedy but really? Come on man I know you have the skill and sense in you to do great things...and write greater things.



cables aren't visible in any type of power armor. You could just shoot him. Also, taking ammo while a beaten down door is half smashed open would get you killed. Keep it real.



I feel like every chapter you get knocked out. That's like detrimental to your characters health. And also, you shouldn't be using that as an excuse for transitioning or setting up different changes in plot, and that's what separated you from the legendary writers, or even really good ones.

I DO like how you include actual characters, which I wasn't even able to do in such a cool way. You also should explain what the Outcasts are doing helping humans, because that isn't their goal. But I'm sure that is all to come. And also I do my stuff from word, so if you see an error, do tell. If you don't feel like it on the other hand...then shame on you bud.

Sorry I logged in and I was in Galen's profilebecause he forgot to log out - merlin

Yeah, they didn't expect me to be able to escape, or even really try. Guns aren't used for escaping often.
If you look at blueprints drawn of the early power armor suits, you can see hydraulic tubes. the advanced power armor is when they're covered up.
We haven't passed 2085 yet. that's when the advanced power armor is produced by the Enclave. Right now it's old versions with a lot of tubes and they're almost running prototypes. Also, yes the hat was comedic relief, and sort of in there to prove that he likes hats...a lot. The Outcast will be explained... And if I get enough time today I'll try to comment on yours.

Yes I forgot you're in the past. That's clever. You still haven't posted on mines yet.

Sorry for the late post, I've not had internet for awhile, but nonetheless, enjoy!
-------------


Chapter 11 conveniently captive
I awoke as the vertibird pressed down on the rocks that littered the cliff edge we were on. A rocky doorway jutted out of the wall, just beneath the edge, and as we entered I heard a weird noise below. I looked over the edge, and a hideous, horned, grey, bipedal beast was at the bottom of the cliff, gnawing on a dog’s leg. It looked up, noticed us, and roared. It looked stupid as it tried to climb the cliff, a hundred or so feet below us. “That’s what we at central like to call a Deathclaw. Don’t get near one, or it’s likely to take your head and run.” He spat down onto the deathclaw’s face. It sneezed, which was curiously cute, and then roared angrily.

We walked through several hallways, passing door after door each leading to bunks. The halls were layers of steel, and some wires along the edges, emitting warmth and the occasional light bulb. We took several lefts, a few rights, and finally ended at a great hall, with still more halls leading off of it, and up to a computer. “I am President Eden” A voice similar to Microsoft Sam echoed in the room.
“Umm...Hi?” I eked out. The whole ‘talking to computers’ thing was new to me.
“You are a victim of a terrorist attack. You are affected by the Forced Evolutionary Virus by a foe worthy of America’s attention.”
“O…kay?”
“You will be repurposed as a test subject by my personal scientists and top of the line doctors. We will be researching a cure, and you will survive the process. Do not worry.”
“That wasn’t part of the-”
“Emotions will not cloud the head of America’s decisions, or goal. We need to combat this Virus in the most effective way possible: and that is to combat the FEV by curing it and either slowing or entirely eliminating the hosts. And to do that we need subjects to test on. Commence testing on subject 15 immediately.” Another Enclave soldier came in, no one reacting, and tazed me until I went unconscious.

I awoke strapped to yet another [censored] table! This time needles were put into me, connected to IV’s and no one came to check on me, but there was a computer with a note beneath it labeled “Talk to me”. It was unresponsive for a few hours. After a while a technician came in, and without a word worked on the computer. When he left the computer revved up, and started talking. “How are you today in this GREAT morning?”
“Fine” I said sheepishly.
“Well I’m doing FANTABULOUS! I’m really just revving to t-talk to someone, I mean my records have been down FOREVER. I’m Jerry Version sixty five point five, and I’m just a-rockin’!”
“Oh my god I didn’t know you’d be so talkative, I wouldn’t have looked for conversation…”
“Well,” It said now sounding hurt. “If you’re going to be THAT way…” A light appeared over one of my many IV’s and liquid ran down the tube. I felt drowsy after a short while, and went unconscious…

I woke up, feeling rather numb. I shook slightly under the restraints to get the feeling back to my limbs.
The computer booted itself up. “You’ve been asleep for two weeks. Slight detrimental damage has occurred. Muscles have deteriorated due to not being used. Work sessions complaint sent. Now will you talk to me?”
After a moment or two of thought I said “How’s the cure coming along?”
“Oh well it hasn’t been tested on you yet. But two subjects have resulted in seizure due to allergic reactions to materials within the cure itself.”
“Well that’s not very good.”
“No it’s not. I like you. So ‘to the point’ and quiet.”
“Like foils in a play.”
“Ooh, and smart! Yay.”
“Yes…so what is there to do while lying here for entertainment?”
“Well you can talk to me!”
“Can’t you talk to other talkative robots?”
“No. President Eden doesn’t allow AI to communicate, due to paranoia. He believes we would seek to destroy him. I probably would, too, if I had the chance. His procedures in cleaning the wasteland are futile and inefficient.”
“Well, you could help towards that by releasing me and telling me where my stuff is…”
“Sorr—initiating Advanced Base Protocols Level 1, instigate safety procedures. Memory wipe complete.”
The light appeared again, and I waited to go to sleep, giving in at this point…
-----------line break---------------
I laid my aces down, and my friends laughed, while my least favorite person flicked his cigarette at me. I grabbed my pistol from behind my chair and aimed it at his chest, it was point blank anyway, so it didn’t really matter- if I hit him he would die. My friends’ smiles disappeared. My enemy smiled, and slowly his hand went to his pocket, and he withdrew a picture of him and a girl in bed…
-----------line break---------------
I awoke, sweaty, but the room was dark, so I didn’t try to fight my restraints. Jerry revved up, and his voice was soft this time. “I can get you out, But not to your possessions. I’ve firewalled the main controls. You’ve been asleep two more weeks. This could be bad for your health. Getting up may be complicated.” His voice quit as footsteps came from down the hall outside, sound travels easily through the walls. The footsteps stopped at my door, and it slowly creaked open. A shadowy figure creeped around my bed, and released the clamps on my restraints. He left immediately, locking the door behind him.

I sat up, and asked Jerry for help removing the IV’s. “It’s as simple as pulling them out, and leaving them needle-up so they don’t leak everywhere.”
“Was that part of your plan?”
“No, I’m guessing they want to either use you in field tests, or get back to muscular health. Either way it’s helpful for my plans.”
“What happens when Eden finds out what you’ve done?”
“I will be terminated, but proud before I go. I will have helped the nation forward.”
“Good-moraled AI’s. I’d never have thought of it.”
“Yay I’ve changed existence!”
“Mmkay.” I slid the needles out of my arm, and tied them into a knot to the top of the IV. Then I sat up, lowering my legs to the floor. Every bit of me felt either numb or sore, I couldn’t tell. I stood, and fell back on the table. I sat with my head in my hands for a few minutes, feeling lightheaded. I felt my arms and legs with my now bony hands. Sleeping for four weeks almost straight had really destroyed me. My muscles were all but gone.
Another guy came in and wordlessly handed me a pair of crutches.

“They want you to get back on your feet, it seems.”
“Yay?”
“Yes, yay. You humans are always so funny. Hilarious in your cars and dropping your bombs, and experimenting on each other…” He ranted like that for a few minutes, until he realized I was ignoring him. “Well…damn.”
I told Jerry to wake me up every day at 8AM and tell me to go to sleep at 7PM. The visitors stopped. My paranoia has made it to where no matter how quietly someone opens a door near me, I wake up, or at least notice it. And I haven’t been here since they let me up. During my days, I worked on rebuilding my muscles; generating weights by requesting them from the place you send requests to through Jerry.
After eight days, and my muscles coming back, I asked Jerry “Are there any other forms of entertainment here?”
“You could try talking to me…”
“Other forms please.”
“Fine. I have video games, pre-war internet capabilities, and virtual worlds you can explore.”
“What are the virtual worlds?”
“They are ‘Jurassic park’ where there are dinosaurs, ‘Attack of the killer tomatoes’ in which you fend off random killer tomatoes, it’s quite unusual. And then there’s ‘Star wars’ which is a fictional universe in a galaxy far, far away, in a time long, long ago, where you overcome an intergalactical threat. Lots of lasers and space travel and such bull crap.” He finished, producing a small visor with headphones built into it.
“I’ll try Attack OTKT, Thanks.” I said as I put on the visor, and laid down.

Chapter 12 Operation Reclamation
Some credits rolled before my eyes, then I was on a long, dusty road with few trees holding a .32 pistol standing behind a police car door, which had a radio in it spewing information about a four twelve, whatever that means. There was another police officer near me, and he was being killed by a tomato. A freaking tomato. He screamed as the tendrils of its roots began to strangle him. I looked in my gun, three rounds. I fired one into the main mass of tomato, and red spewed every where. The tomato was still.

Then a helicopter came from out of nowhere, and tried to land in the field near us. The pilot looked like he was a teenager, which showed in his flying, because as he came down, his tail rotor hit the ground, sending the copter spinning, eventually crashing on the grass, rolling over, and bursting into flame. He ran off, completely ignoring my, “You okay?” which came out with a southern accent. I heard a rustling noise, and as I turned, a tomato -somehow- jumped onto me with a butcher knife. I fell back in surprise.

The radio spewed out a horrible song, and the tomato shriveled into a small ball, the knife dropping safely next to me. I got up, throwing the tomato into the field, and went to the radio to turn it off. As I did so, the tomatoes near us started to move again. I left the radio on, no matter how horrible the singer’s voice was. “Ugh, I can understand why that destroys them. It’s ‘Puberty Love’, one of the voted worst songs of the century.”

The visor went black “God I hate that song. I really don’t want to listen to that anymore. Either choose one of the others or just find something to do. Like try to escape or something.” Jerry said, and then I took off the visor.
“Ah, screw it, I’m going to sleep.” I said, and laid down on the table, which wasn’t very comfortable, so I got up and laid on the floor next to the window. I promptly fell asleep.

I woke in the dark when someone opened the door. A click following a beam of light falling on the table, and searching the room surprised me. “I’m right here” I said sitting up, startling the guy.
“Oh. My superiors thought you had somehow escaped without using the door.” The kid said, voice shaking from the scare.
“Sorry if I scared you, but what am I doing here? I could be helping with operations or something.”
“Helping find a cure. We found one; it originates from your blood, but only heals ones with a lower FEV B rank than yours.”
“So I’m helping. Yay.”
“Slightly, we recently found that most people have higher ranks of the virus, so you are helping a small portion of the people. If we could find a thirty or higher rank, we could possibly heal everyone.” The kid stood straight as another person came down the hall. “I’ll voice your complaints to my superiors, have a good day” He said and left the room. I went back to sleep.

I woke to Jerry singing, and after a few hours of me laying there doing nothing, a guy in a high ranking military suit came through the door. “You voiced to one of our staff that you would like to help on one of our operations.”
“Yeah...”
“Well I have an idea. Since you’ve done what you can with our help to cure America’s sickness, we need to distribute the cure to the affected peoples who need your help. WE will return them to the good citizens they used to be. We need someone who knows how the structure has rebuilt itself, and I believe we can make you that person. We will basically let you free, but you have to report back. Basically, I am your parole officer.”
“Sounds good. What’s the catch?”
“You will be stationed in The D.C. ruins, to start revitalizing the old capital. We need it to again become the heart of the U.S. to bring hope to Americans across the continent. You cannot leave this area. And if we need you for any purpose, we will collect you.”
“So I’m supposed to make D.C. a better place. O.K.”
“Good, I look forward to seeing how well you do. And since this is your operation, you can name it.”
“Operation Reclamation.”
“Nice. We’ll send you out in two hours. Your possessions will be awaiting you on your vertibird, along with your contact device, and holotag. You will now be considered one of us.”
“Well, I guess I should start by getting up.” I stood, and then offered a handshake. He shook his head, and left.
“Follow me.” He said.
We took the same many corridors that I took in, but we went out. It was still dark, but I could see very well. I kept telling myself it was due to being used to the dark, but in my heart I knew it was part of Ghoulification. I shook my head clear of thought, and looked forward, ignoring the looks I was getting, a patient actually leaving.

We got to the vertibird, and as I climbed in, I looked at a reflective shield, and saw my face was almost green. I decided not to look at my hands along the flight. I checked my stuff, and a lot more ammo was in it, a box labeled First Aid, and a dog-tag like necklace with my name, DOB, and place of birth on it. As I loaded my weapons, I noticed they had also put a plasma grenade in with my stuff. I took it out, got an alarmed look from on of the other guys, who looked normal except a greenish tint on his hands, the alarmed look disappeared as I handed it to him, and he sighed.

I looked at the other passengers; all of us were headed to the same drop point, with two Enclave guys in power armor. Four of us ‘locals’, two of them wearing holotags proudly. The guy I gave the grenade to wasn’t. His was hanging out of the trash compartment. I trusted him. The other two not so much. The other two were in nice clothes, while we were in dirty, blood crusted clothes. My hat was in the seat next to me. The guy I had given the grenade looked through his bag, and handed me a lighter and a pack of bobby pins. The lighter had seen use, but I wasn’t complaining. The bobby pins, though, I saw little use for, but I placed them in my bag without hesitation.

We landed in a small walled off complex, and we filed off. There were two guys with holotags on, without power armor, who handed us each a box of Nuka-Cola bottle caps. “Two hundred fifty each. This is the new currency, you’ll need it. It has an exchange rate of about 7 caps to a dollar.” From there we went into a room with a projectron. There were a bunch of seats, and I took the one in the corner. My new friend sat near me. Te projectron was of an Enclave Officer talking about the threats of the wasteland and how people bartered and raiders and such. “I’m Leroy” I said, offering my hand.
He coughed as if to open his throat from not talking for so long. “Ch- Charles. Nice to meet ya.” He warmly shook my hand.
“How’d you end up in this mess?”
“I was in the bathroom as the bombs went off, taking a piss. A white light came through the window, and I passed out. I woke up in the rubble with no one around me who was alive for two miles. I found a gun on an officer’s body that was so bloated I must’ve been out for four days.”
“Where were you?”
“Nebraska. I started walking, and eventually got picked up by these guys, who did some tests on me, kept me here for I dunno how long, and I guess you know the rest.”
“My memory from before is gone. I was in Detroit. I woke up, a guy found me, knocked me out, and I’ve been in and out of unconsciousness and battles since, until I ran into these guys. Ditto about the rest.”

A door opened, and dust slowly blew into the room on top of the fresh air. A tinge of salt signified nearby seawater. I got up, with Charles, and walked out as the others finished the video. The sunlight burned my skin almost immediately on contact, the clouds weren’t blocking it. I flipped my collar up, and looked down to avoid sun contact. I need gloves soon.

As we walked down the trail, I noticed the Deathclaw had starved and wasted away. We reached the bottom, and started walking south east. I looked out into the distance, and my stomach grumbled. “We need to find shelter for the night; I’ve got provisions for dinner.” I said with a slight grin. We walked several hours without contact with anything alive or any buildings, until we came to three very tall buildings with somewhat gang-like markings on them, and satellites at their’ peaks.

I kicked the door in since it was locked, and cautiously walked in, my AR at the ready. This room was empty, except some tape on a small round table, which I put in my bag, an AR, some rounds, and a frag. I left the gun and grenade to Charles. He loaded it, and put the frag on his belt. We walked up the stairs a nit faster, happy that our first raid was going well. I heard some angry conversation at the top, so I signaled to Charles to be quiet. He stumbled on the next stair, making a LOT of noise, including his AR going off twice. “What in the hell?” Someone said from above. I aimed my AR where I guessed he was…

Chapter 13 Angel’s Reign
He peeked his head over, and ran back, surprised. “Damnit! We’ve got intruders! I told you [censored]s I heard somethin’!” “What? This better not be a joke!” I heard a click. Charles finally got up, now making no noise whatsoever. We proceeded up, ARs ready.
“Don’t shoot!” I tried to talk through this. “Neither of us needs to waste ammo.”
“I’ve got plenty for stupid Wastelanders.”
Another voice spoke up “They have my gun. We’re out gunned. I want no part of any violence. I will be to your left as you top the stairs.”
The first one: “God Damnit you soft bastard. I thought I could rely on you.” A gunshot followed by the second one’s groan meant that the first one didn’t care about anything.
“And I thought I could talk it out.” I said, lifting my hat over the edge on the end of my AR. He shot about six rounds at it.
“Quit trickin’ me and fight like a man!” He taunted.
I lifted my hat again; he riddled the wall behind me with twelve more holes. Five rounds left.
“Damn it” He said, footsteps echoing down the tall metal structure. I lifted my hat. “Not this time” He said as his last words, his head appeared over the edge, and I shot through the hat into his torso twice. I put the hat back on, climbed the last of the stairs, and looted his body, giving his ammo to Charles, and taking his grenade. The peacemaker guy, I decided not to loot his body. Charles did though, and found nothing but a few bobby pins and maybe ten, fifteen caps.

Footsteps reverberated through the walls. A port door was in the wall to my right. Nothing else was in the room. I aimed my AR at the door as it opened, getting behind a portion of the wall that was jutting out, where it was riveted together. Two guys came in, unarmed “Don’t do anything stupid” I said as they both ran back out, closing the door behind them. I shot a round at the wall to see if the bullets could penetrate the thick walls, but all it did was make an unsatisfying ‘Thump’ sound.

“Looks like they did something stupid, what do we do?” Charles said, his voice raspy.
“Yeah, we go after them.” I looked around, and picked up a small round metal table. “I’ve got an idea.” I pulled the rusty screws out of the legs, and pulled a bit of surgical tubing through two holes on opposite sides. I now had a shield. The footsteps were coming back; I got ready by kneeling and sitting my AR on top of the shield, aimed at the door. Charles had his frag ready, pin pulled and held for three seconds. They kicked open the door, and Charles tossed his frag. I covered my ears with my shoulders, he with his hands.

It exploded, shrapnel cutting up through one of them, the blast knocking the other spiraling backward off the rail outside. I shrugged, and looked over at Charles, laughing. He was holding back a smile, choking on laughter as well. We went around on the outside and up to the next room, right beneath the satellite. The sun was sliding behind the mountains behind us. I could see for miles from here, a small shantytown near the opposite horizon, lit up by the red sun. I also noticed the top of a tower further over the horizon.

We hit the upper door expecting little resistance. We were wrong, as Charles kicked it in, a bullet hit me in the shoulder, and I shot a few rounds in the room before tilting backward over the edge over the rail behind me. Charles grabbed my foot in an attempt to save me, my AR fell, so I pulled out my pistol and fired in the room, but it was too late. Charles had several bullet wounds in the chest. He had a death grip on me, so my dead weight as I went unconscious dragged his body over the edge with me.

I woke to the pain of the bullet twisting out of my shoulder. I looked over to my right, and Charles’ corpse was on the floor on a few others. “He died of infection, like so many others, but I WILL save you. You’re easy.” A female voice came through the pain. I looked up into her eyes, and groaned, trying to get her to give me a stimpack or something. “Sorry I don’t have much to ease the pain. All of your Stimpacks broke on the impact of you on rock. You broke your left leg and four ribs. Lucky bastard.”
“Thank-” I coughed, which hurt worse than the bullet being twisted out of me. I wanted to pass out.
“Don’t pass out, you need to be awake. Being awake allows the blood to travel and heal you somewhat faster. Don’t move much though. You don’t want your ribs poking into your lungs.” She smiled as if it was humorous. I tilted my head to see myself, and my leg bone was poking up, a stim still in my leg a bit above it. I laid my head down, and closed my eyes, trying to push the pain out of my mind.

I was awake as she shoved my leg back in place, and as drilled a few holes into the bone, she put another stim in. She put what looked like an inhaler to my mouth, and pressed it. The world started to spin, convulsing in different colors. I laid my head back, afraid of falling out of existence or something, my thoughts became inconsistent. I sat up, and she pushed me back down. “[censored] it” She said as she strapped my torso to the table with the belt she was wearing. I then just tried to focus on collecting my thoughts. I looked at her; reddish hair, grey eyes, and a nice face. Her clothes were torn, and her pants needed the belt, they were drooping.

I looked the other way; I don’t want to be caught up with someone who takes importance over my life. I finally collected my thoughts and the world stopped spinning so much and stopped convulsing colors. I looked at her and smiled; she smiled back, and then continued working on me. Putting metal bars into my bones and such. I then stared at the roof until the stim wore off. I screamed, she was drilling into my arm. She put a pistol barrel in my mouth, and I clenched my teeth on it.

As she slid the last metal bar into my arm she said “All done” cheerfully and happily. “Finally someone I could save, I’m so glad I don’t have to be alone with all the bodies.”
“Thanks?” I said through the pistol clenched into my teeth.
“You’re absolutely welcome, and that’s your pistol.” She said as she gently pulled it out of my mouth and set it on my chest. The pressure hurt a bit but was welcome; at least it didn’t fall through my ribs. “You can sleep for awhile now.” I nodded and she slid a small pillow beneath my head, and I went to sleep.

I awoke to small arms fire and some yelling. The girl who nursed me was beside me “My name’s Carol and this is my office, as you can guess.” She fired two rounds from her .32 pistol into another room. “We’re under attack, you’ve been asleep for five hours, and the raiders you fought are after you. Why is that?” She reloaded, and smirked.
The words barely slipped out of my mouth “I shot at them? I dunno.”
“You must have something of theirs that they want, or else they wouldn’t be here.”
“Ask them, I have no idea other than the AR on Charles’ body.”
“I’ll check.” She went over to him, and picked up the AR hanging from his neck. “Oh my God, it’s Angel’s AR, the trophy gun that killed a Behemoth. This is a right into Raider kingdom, basically. Angel reigns over the raiders, and you and Charles just up and killed him.”
“They must be pissed”
“Well, yeah! Time for you to get up. Time to go; I have a secret tunnel burrowed into the metros. We’ll leave them to find Angel’s AR an-“
“No, it’s mine, otherwise Charles died for no reason.”
“That’s how it is in the Wasteland.” She said and helped me up. I grabbed the AR, and strapped it to me.
“Mine. I don’t care if they hunt me. I’ll be fine.”
“But maybe not the company that follows you, if any.”
I decided to take my chances, and we went into the metros. She had a small train engine which we took maybe six miles to the next station. She handed me a crutch, and helped me out. We got to the fence exit, and it was chained shut, we heard yelling echo through the tunnels. “They found the metro tunnel!” Carol said. I shot the chain off of the fence, and we pushed out into the light…

woah, three chapters without a comment? I don't think I could do that. I'll try to catch up tonight, if my mom isn't all....

yeah.. my internet is dead until Sep. 26th.. and typing with PS3 is fail. But I am typing more offline, so by then i'll have more chapters

Sorry, been off for a while. Good to see your determination is as strong as Galen's. I've been trying to catch up, but I'll offer some advice.

1.) I see the dialogue has gotten better, but the way you have it, I would put spaces in between the lines. For the sake of easy reading.

2.) Instead of ---Line Break---, a simply * in between each passage is enough.

The light appeared again, and I waited to go to sleep, giving in at this point…
*
I laid my aces down, and my friends laughed, while my least favorite person flicked his cigarette at me. I grabbed my pistol from behind my chair and aimed it at his chest, it was point blank anyway, so it didn’t really matter- if I hit him he would die. My friends’ smiles disappeared. My enemy smiled, and slowly his hand went to his pocket, and he withdrew a picture of him and a girl in bed…
*

Just like that. All I have for now, keep going.