This here is a fan fic I orginally intended to enter the first feyfolken contest with but I have desided I won't enter it I don't think I write good enought. I want any critisim you all can give. please excuse any mispelling or other grammar mistakes this is my first fan fic I know there exist some and if you find them please point them out to me. thank you. It is not finished and I doubt that I ever will finish it but i thought I might as well post it. It is about the group of raiders and their deal with a necromancer to get the bow of shadow you may reconize it because its about an undocumented side story you can learn about by visiting several tombs around vvardenfell and collecting documents. This is my attempt to tell their story. I give you


Goris the maggot king


It was late into the night and Jone, one of the two moons, was reaching its peak. In the distance a nix-hound's howl echoed off of the Velothi Mountain tops as a party of three men, two imperials and a redguard, approached the Velothi arch that marked the entrance to the venim ancestral tomb.

"I'm telling you I don't trust this guy, Tyronius" murmured the redguard "we are just as much allies as experiments to necromancers"

The Imperial in netch armor opened the door. As the threesome stepped inside the tomb the smell of death and decay filled their lungs "You smell that, that's fresh I tell you." exclaimed the redguard.

"We're here already so shut it Jonis" ordered Tyronius "Luven light a torch."

Taking the torch off the wall, the imperial in netch armor casts a small flame. The torch lit up in a great blaze of fury lighting the passage ahead. With the flickering torchlight revealing the way, the threesome made their way into the tomb descending down stairs and moving through twisted passageways until they came to the great antechamber. The torchlight barely piercing the darkness as the party advanced slowly ascending a flight of stair. Out of the gloom the face of a dunmer appeared.

"Ah, I see you have accepted my proposal after all, outlander." The dunmer stated.

"We have. And the payment we agreed upon?" asked Tyronius.

"You'll receive your payment when I have the bow. I'll also be sending Calvario along with you." The dunmer instructed.

"I don't like this Tyronius, that wasn't part of the original deal." Jonis Challenged as he stepped forward his hand falling to his side ready to draw his steel long sword at the first sign of trouble.

"Jonis. It's alright." Tyronius assured him bringing out his arm to stop Jonis' advance. "Alright Goris we'll take him along as long as he doesn't become a hindrance."

"Calvario." As Goris summoned him a figure steps out of the gloom. The flickering of the torchlight revealed a sickly white faced Imperial with dead eyes which stared at the party as if to look straight through to their souls. A sudden chill began to grow in the threesomes chests.

"I expect you back within three days outlander." Goris instructed Tyronius. While turning to leave he ordered Calvario. "Make sure it gets done."

As Goris turned and disappeared into the darkness the group, now including Calvario, returned the way they came through the twisting corridors back to the entrance. Stepping outside the tomb all but Calvario take a deep breath, the fresh air was a relief from the smell of death that came from the tomb.

Making their way across the grazelands of vardenfell they arrived at a Velothi arch, the entrance to the Nerano ancestral tomb. Making their way inside they were greeted not by the smell of death and decay but by the sweet smell of cooked ash yams and guar meat. The sound of singing and laughter echoed through the well lit passageway as the group made their way down the narrow staircase and through the wooden door at the bottom. As the door opened the singing grew louder.

"...For the most of madness, not the least,
The wise debaucher heads out east.
Where your once steely reserve is now merely tinned,
You'll find it all in Morrowind?"

In the room there were two Imperial men and a woman wood elf all sitting around a small table in the middle of the room singing. Bottles of greif litter the floor along with ashes and shards of broken and overturned urns. Tyronius motions to the others to stay as he walks into the room.

Haha, two minutes is an even better record still ^_^ I am going to put some criticism here, but I just couldn't pass that up.


First of all, being humble is good, but there is a point where it is chastising yourself. And anyone can enter the contest with any writing, and we will all judge and critique it, as well as post it for more judging and critiquing. Lacking skill is nothing to be ashamed of, so long as you posses the desire to better yourself. As they say, even the best were once beginners. And a little hint, don't completely tell the plot at the beginning unless it is a long story

Well, you said fix grammar, so I'll point out every single error I see. Bare in mind that I am a native english speaking American, so my grammar might be different than your grammar, and there is no need to feel bad about that.

It'll probably be easier to show you all the errors:



It wasn't as bad as you said, really. Only a few really minor things, none of which disrupted the meaning of the story. Other than that, the only qualm I have is some slight flow issues, but that too fixes itself in time.

Your characters are a little flat, but at the same time decently realistic. One seems a little jumpy, but that adds to the effect of giving him personality. They didn't really stand out, but the differences were noted. You take much time to describe the scene, but few words mention the character's thoughts or feelings. Given the third person perspective, either are fine, but know the difference and stick to one style. There is the all knowing kind in which you can hear one character's thoughts and the like, and there is the kind that is more of an observer. Your story is the latter, which leads to less character development, but a better overall feel and more focus on the plot and writing. Not a bad thing, just keep it in mind.

The plot befits a short story, so there is little to complain about there. It doesn't have the same feeling of a novel, but very few writers can convey the feeling of over ten thousand words into only three or four. I myself am not among them, I am terrible at short stories. It is simple, a fitting place to start, and it will help you improve more than trying a really complicated one. So no problems there.

All in all, it isn't as bad as you make it sound. I'm telling you, you are much better than you give yourself credit for. I won't lie, you have much room to improve, but you aren't exactly at the bottom of the author mountain. Thanks for writing, and keep it up :goodjob: I'll look into the problems with the Feyfolken forum.

thanks for the advice I'll try to keep it in mind with my future writting.