Grey Rogue

Post » Wed Dec 30, 2009 9:30 pm

Okay,this is my first fanfic,so dont be too harsh,though constructive criticism would be nice.I'll try to stick with the oblivion plotline in the very beginning,then branch off.

The midday sun burned into my retinas as I burst out of the gate....The first time I has seen the sky in three years...
Allow me to start in the beginning.I have been in the imperial prison for the last three years for a crime I never commited,not that I havent commited a crime,but nothing severe as murder.My name is Kieran.Ranger, Traveler,Rouge,and wanderer.Before today,I was in for life, no retrial,no bail,possibly facing execution.Three years ago a woman had been found dead near my home in cheydinhall,It doesnt matter that I was arrested only three days later in chorrol,halfway across cyrodiil,a twenty day journey even on the fastest horse.No,it still had to be me,no matter how much evidence pointed in every other direction.It doesnt matter.

Im a grey,a bastard cross breed between bosmer and dunmer,born of [censored],dispised by every elven race in tamriel and feared by most of the others.Standing about 5'2" with dusky grey skin and eyes the color of flame,they think im some kind of damned demon.The pursecuting judge,an altmer, never even reviewed the case,he just said three words "Convicted for life".Ive been in lockup since then,I had no hope until this morning.

I was standing in my pitiful cell,taking the last bite of the hard bread they considered a meal meal here when I heard him."Your going to die here." It came from the cell beside my own.Great,a new inmate,they come,they go... I moved closer to the bars and examined the male no more than ten feet away,in a cell identical to my own.He was a dark elf,with hazy purple skin and unkempt white hair,wearing the same ratty prison clothes I was."You....yes,you.Your going to die in here,in this prison....alone." He let out a psychotic laugh.It was then that a thin ray of moonlight streaked out of a crack in the wall,illuminating my face. "Hehe..good riddance,too..filthy half breed" I said nothing,trying to ignore the words of this psychopath.

Slowly,I began to hear the sound of plated metal feet coming down the stairs and moved to the back of my cell,ignoring the dunmers final comments,something about the guards coming to execute me.It wasnt half as important as what happened next.There were three guards,two seemed to be imperials,a male and a female,the other was a redguard.The redguards was in front,the two imperials behind him.Between the three guards was an elderly imperial,finely dressed,with a short silver sword hanging at his side.The redguard approached the door to my cell,retrieving a ring of keys from his belt.The male imperial shouted at him "Baurus,what in the seven planes of oblivion is this prisoner doing in this cell?".
"Just a standard mix-up of the watch,im sure.You,prisoner,stay in the back of your cell,I wont hesitate to kill you" The redguard responded.

The redguard,baurus opened the door to my cell and pointed his weapon at my throat.It had a curved blade of the akavir style,and his armor was ornate,and carved with strange symbols I couldnt decipher.Behind him came the old man and the two imperial guards.Instead of passing me,the old man stopped right in front of me,looking into my eyes he said "I know you....your the one from my dreams" suddenly,I recognised the face.I hadnt seen the painting in three years,but I knew it instantly.

"Emperor Uriel Septim"I gasped,blinking a few times to make sure I wasnt hallicinating."Yes,my child,you are correct,I am the emperor of cyrodiil,and you are one of its citizens"He responded slowly,quietly.His eyes were strange,as if he saw more than what was really there. "But you..you will more important to history than I would be in a thousand lifetimes" he spoke as if everything he said had been carved in stone at the chapel of akatosh. "And why would that be?From my point of view,my only renown will be to either die in prison or become just another notch in the executioners axe" At that I let out a sardonic laugh, dry and devoid of humor.Face it,three years in prison can make you the slightest but insane.

"Not likely" he responded "The nine have much greater plans for you" For some reason,I could bear no resentment for this old man,and I removed the scowl from my lips.I was about to ask why in the seven planes of oblivion the emporer of tamriel was doing in a lowly prison when I was cut of by the grating of stone as the wall of my cell slid to the side,revealing a narrow downward passage. "Emporer septim, we must keep going" baurus called back as he,the emporer,and the two guards entered the narrow tunnel.I noticed that their attention was no longer aimed at myself and slipped into the shadows,following after them.After a few minutes,we came to a small atrium,the guards all drew their weapons and stood quietly.

Almost out of nowhere, a trio of crimson robed men appeared from behind the pillars.All three summoned strange armor and maces and charged the blades,making no noise at all.The first assasin was impaled on baurus's sword before he took three steps.The female imperial went down first as the second assasins mack struck her in the left shoulder.There was the cland of metal as her weapon struck the ground and the crunch of bone as the second blow shattered her skull.The male imperial charged at assailan,beheading him before her body even hit the floor.
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His Bella
 
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Post » Wed Dec 30, 2009 10:35 pm

Alright, good to see another author join us. I'll be more than happy to critique your Fan Fiction, but first I must get all the grammar out of the way :P

Ahh!!! No spaces after periods!!! Please try to use the space key immediately following a period. Like so. It makes it much easier to read. No spaces after periods are almost as bad as no enters between paragraphs :) Ah, same for commas too, capitalizing the names of countries and cities, and using apostrophes. Other than that, though:

commited -> committed
Kieran. Ranger -> Kieran: ranger
Cheydinhal (One L; that one is hard to remember)
dispised -> despised
pursecuting -> persecuting
You said meal twice
Your -> You're
dunmers -> Dunmer's
redguards -> Redguard
im -> I'm
recognised -> recognized
emporer -> emperor
hallicinating -> hallucinating
assasin -> assassin
mack -> mace
cland -> clang
assailan -> the assailant

There were a few more, but really minor things like semi-colons.

Ok, all grammar aside, there is little plot to review. You tell us your protagonist was falsely accused of murder, and the reason is because he was a half breed of a Bosmer and a Dunmer. I'm not entirely sure whether that would happen like that, I know the child takes all the traits of the mother, but that isn't a problem. After that, you just describe the beginning of the game in the same fashion as always. Sure, you change the dialogue and the like, but the principal is the same. Too many Fan Fics start that way, but so long as you change the plot later, I don't care.

Moving away from plot, I regret to inform you that your writing is incredibly average. Nothing truly exemplary about it, but it's in no way poor. You have good word choice, and good attention to detail. However, sometimes you put in a little too much information. Don't worry, that is a common mistake, we all do it. So long as you keep practicing; you will be a top notch author in no time ;)

Don't worry about anything I said. Just run your stuff through a spell checker before you post, and you'll do fine. Plot draws me to a story far more than the prose.

Thanks for writing, and keep it up, I'll critique as many chapters as I can :goodjob: Welcome to the Elder Scrolls.
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Jay Baby
 
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Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:43 pm

Post » Wed Dec 30, 2009 2:23 pm

Thank you for your criticism,as I said,im fairly new to this.I have wrote countless short stories,but none of them have been particularly interesting.Im hoping to use this as a sort of "Testing ground" for new ideas.Im working on it,I got cut off by a storm before I could finish the first chapter,so you'll have to re-read it after I put in the rest of chapter one.Again,thanks for your advice,i'll work on it.A major chunk of the plot after his escape will be him running from the guards(I never got why all the guards didnt try to catch you,shouldnt you be in even worse trouble for the jail break?)and trying to figure out who is pulling the strings behind his conviction.
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Betsy Humpledink
 
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