Hard Days

Post » Sun Jul 31, 2011 7:27 pm

Hard Days
The Start of The End
Eli walked down the street of Megaton towards his spotter Will
Eli walked up to Will and said to him quietly "New job, 1,000 caps when we finsh it."
Will eyes lit up at the sound of a thousand caps and repiled silently and quickly "What's the job?"
Eli responed "Find a family that's been missing for 2 weeks. Hardest. Job. Yet."
Eli and Will both sighed and headed towards there apartment.

Eli woke with distaste in his mouth. Eli rubbed his mouth, he then got up quickly and ran to his frige, opened it up and drank they last Purifided Water. Eli put on his Talon Company armor with a sprayed-over emblem. Eli walked down to the second floor picked up his sniper rifle and shook Will awake.

Will woke up and said to Eli "Your such a dike."
Eli responed jokeingly "Yeah I know,now get up lazy ass."

Eli looked at will with his clean shaven and white skin. Eli also saw his hazel eyes and black hair. Eli was reminded to shave suddenly. Eli walked towards the bathroom and picked up his razor blade. Eli thought No I look better with it. Eli then looked in the mirror and saw his Black skin, His bearded face and no physical scars but plenty of Mental ones. Eli's blue eyes and deep brown hair. Eli ran his hand though his close cropped hair and stepped outside quickly and saw Will was ready to go and was streching.

Will said to Eli "Lets go find us a family, Eli."
They both walked out quickly and Began running once outside the gates.

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maddison
 
Posts: 3498
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2007 9:22 pm

Post » Mon Aug 01, 2011 7:07 am

Ok. You got a lot of work to do.

First off, you might find it best to change the don't to normal and size to normal.

Next, grammar, punctuation, and Paragraphing. Really gotta work on these.

Also, the story. You seem like you have a suspense going on. I like that, most do. But you gotta detail it so the reader can feel it.

Details are very important. Edit some of it or upcoming chapters and I can expect it to be very good. If you need help, ask away or read other fan fics.

Don't worry though, you'll get the hang of it if you haven't already. It was still a quick good read.
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cosmo valerga
 
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Joined: Sat Oct 13, 2007 10:21 am


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