This story is about my RP character Alisa from http://www.gamesas.com/bgsforums/index.php?showtopic=1045598
It will focus on how she was as a young woman still living in Chorrol, and how she met Astien of the Ashfield clan.



Heart & Arrow
Prologue





-The young girl-

The wind was brushing gently through the leaves of the Great Oak, and the sun was setting slowly in the evening sky.

Young Alisa walked joyfully down the street from the Mages Guild, clutching a big book to her chest. It was a book about alteration.
It was useless to most mages, because it consisted mostly of just basic, and outdated, knowledge and spells. Something every mage had learned their first years of studying.
But Alisa was happier than ever before. The book has been given to her by Isiriil, one of the more advanced mages of Chorrol. He was the most kind and caring man she knew, and a good friend.
Despite his old age, he always found the time and energy to educate her in the ways of the mages. Alisa wished to one day become a skilled alteration-mage just like him.

Unfortunately, she couldn't afford to take official classes, or attend to a university because of her family's financial situation. They weren't poor, but they still could not afford such expences.
Her magical studies had to stay a hobby for the time being.

Alisa stopped by the statue at the south gate and sat down. She eagerly opened her precious book and flipped through the pages, looking at the headings and illustrations.

I cannot believe they were going to throw this treasure away! It is pure gold!

As she sat there enjoying the rough feeling of old and grainy book pages between her fingers, she heard a group of footsteps approaching her.

"Excuse me, miss. Could you by any chance direct us to the town smithy?"

Alisa looked up at the man that had spoken to her. He was a dunmer. He appeared to be in his mid 50's, yet he was muscular and unusually fit for a man his age. He was dressed in typical hunter's apparel and had a bow strapped to his back. The other men that were with him were dressed in the same style.

They were a group of eight in total. Mostly in between mid 30's to the oldest that had addressed her. They were all dirty and covered in blood.
Some of them had dead mountain grouses strapped to their belts, and one of them was carrying? A DEAD WOLF!

Alisa stared in horror at the man as he hoisted the dead predator further up on his shoulders. The blood hadn't been completely drained from its body at first, so there were small traces of blood slowly running down his upper body.

"Uuuhm? the smithy is just up that road. It's the first building on the opposite side of the road that leads up to the castle. The shop sign is pretty big, so it's almost impossible to miss it. But it's closed right now?" Alisa said while forcing herself to look away from the man and his dead wolf.

"Hmm? a pity. Then could you tell me where the cheapest inn is?" the old man replied.

"The Gray Mare is just down that road on the right. Don't expect more than you pay for, though."

The man thanked her and walked away. His group followed obediently, except for the man with the wolf. He looked at her and smiled the innocent smile of a young boy, which, combined with the large creature draqed around his shoulders and blood and dirt smeared across his face just seemed extremely creepy. Chills ran down her back as her eyes moved from the man, to the wolf, and back to the man again.

"Uuuuuhmmm? I? I got to go now?" she muttered as she hastily got to her feet and started to walk away, increasing the pace of her feet until she nearly ran up the chapel street.

Well, well, Ayumi Fan, you have come to offer us your own talent at last!

I shall reserve a deeper critique until you are about ten posts in. For now, however, I can say that I do like one thing in particular - the strange man with a boy's smile, with a wolf on his shoulders, who is following a hunter's group led by an older man.... who can he be?

Characters that picque the reader's interest should be introduced early on. You have done it!

Oooh, the almighty fox graces my post with its presence :bowdown:
Thank you for the kind words
Yeah, it was that image of the 'wolfboy' that inspired me to write this little tale. He occupied my mind until I started writing it down.
It happens a lot, actually. When I get an idea it won't leave me alone before I write it down

AyumiFan this is riveting! I became very curious about the wolfboy after Foxy's comment and searched the Mad World for a reference but couldn't find one, lol. I love this, and that you are writing a fanfic - I know you are talented, and am excited about reading!

Hi Ayu! :wave:

Is this your first fiction story (as opposed to an RP)? I am guessing so, because I did not see your name starting any other posts in the Fan Fic forum. If it is, then you are off to a good start. You have some roughness to your writing, but that is natural for a new author. Everyone starts out that way and slowly improves over time. Like anything else, the more you do it, the better you become.

Some things I noticed that could use some work:

You have several paragraphs at the beginning that I believe the formatting did not come out how you intended. Here is the largest example:



I am not sure if that was meant to be just two paragraphs, or three, or if every line was meant to be separate. My guess is that you wrote your story out in something like Word or Works and pasted it here. Things do not always come out the same way they were originally formatted when you do that, so it is best to always look your story over after you post it.

I saw a few misspellings and grammatical errors. For example:



That should be: The other men that were

The way to keep was/were straight is that 'was' refers to a singular subject, and 'were' refers to a plural subject. http://webster.commnet.edu/sensen/part2/twelve/was.html are some examples.

The second thing in that sentence is that where should be were, you just made a typo.

A general observation is that you use a lot of telling instead of showing in those first few paragraphs. For example, rather than tell us that Isiriil is a nice guy helping Alisa, show us that by putting him in a scene with her, either in real time or in a brief flashback. Later in the story you are doing a very good job of showing us things rather than telling, so I do not think it is a major problem.

The other thing I notice is that you often use contractions in your descriptions. There is no rule that you cannot, but it is better to be sparing with them, and try to only use them in dialogue for characters who would naturally use them. Please note that this is mostly just personal opinion here, you will see many sources that swear that using contractions even in business writing is just fine. You will also see many that state they should never be used at all. The bottom line is that your writing will look more polished and professional if you do, and more informal if you do not (which in some cases may be exactly what you want).

Now to the the good stuff.

First off one post in and I like the character already. She is not Uber, but a very down-to-Nirn person that one can easily emphasize with. She has a shine to her personality that shows through in your writing of her. "Nature's first green is gold" and Alisa shines with it as she joyfully clutches her book, which for her is a portal to another world.

Then we have A Dead Wolf! You portrayed her horror at seeing the corpse so casually displayed quite well, and told us a great deal about Alisa at the same time. A very good use of showing rather than telling. Keep doing this!

Finally as D Foxy noted, you have this:



Another excellent job of showing us this boy, whom I suspect is to an important person in Alisa's future (I did not read the RP). You create a superb juxtaposition between his innocent smile and wolf's corpse and attendant blood and dirt. You might want to use a word other than creepy, as it is rather informal. Perhaps disturbing?

All in all I like it, and I will definitely be keeping up with this topic! :goodjob:

There are no spelling errors :ninja:
JK Thanks for pointing it out. I'm giving my inner grammar nazi a swift kick in the rear. How could I miss that?

Thank you so much for reading




Thank youuuuu!!!

And yeah, wolfboy isn't in the uni yet. But soon...


Oh, and I just wanted to demonstrate the last scene from chapter 1:

Wolfboy: :3
Alisa: O___O
Dead wolf: X__X
Alisa: O___O
Wolfboy: :3
Alisa: ................................................ O___O ?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Thank you again for reading, everyone that bothered =3
(Honestly, I didn't think anyone would give a guar's... ahem... )

What a nice start and a pleasure to read. You have gotten plenty of positve and helpful feedback, so all I can offer is that it was enjoyable and I am looking forward to reading more.

I'm really enjoying this story, I'm going to start my TES Fan-Fiction career pretty soon. I must say this was a great opening, I have a good understanding of Alisa so far and I'm looking forward to the next part.

There is a rich texture to your first post that immediately drew me into the setting. Just as I was settling into the familiar world of Chorrol, I was jarred by the sight of a hunter carrying the bloody corpse of a wolf; I never saw that before. Again, this is the kind of thing that draws me in because it colors outside the lines.

To keep me interested, you will need to start filling in more of the blanks in developing your character.

On a side note, I have become a fan of Japanese pop music after looking at some of the Pangya Fantasy Golf trailers and Fan videos.

Because of all the nice comments yesterday, I decided to post the next chapter. Enjoy


-Baked ransom-


*twack*

Alisa swung the hoe, jamming it deep into the rich soil. "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid?" she whispered with an angry voice.
When she had woken up that morning, she had noticed that she had forgotten the book Isiriil had given her at the statue by the gate the day before.
When she ran by the statue on her way to work, she had taken a few minutes to look for it, but to no use. It was gone.

She bent down and started yanking the potatoes free from their safe haven and tossed them fiercely into the basket next to her.

It was all that stupid hunter-boy's fault. If it wasn't for him and that stupid wolf-corpse of his, she would have been practicing her spell casting by now. But nooo, he had to stand there and smile at her like some retard, creeping her out so that she forgot to bring the book with her.

"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" the potatoes hit the bottom of the basket more and more violently.

She shuddered as the image of the dead wolf snuck up on her from the back of her mind. The blood smeared fur, the open wounds, the blank, lifeless eyes? and all the blood that just kept dripping off?


Another potato hit the basket. "Yuck! Repulsive."

"Really? I thought the crops were rather successful this year?"

She stopped torturing the vegetables and turned to look at the old man standing beside her.

"I'm not talking about your crops, Jorn. The potatoes are just fine? It's just?" she fell silent.

"The usual frustrations of a young maiden's heart?" he teased with a smile on his face.

She turned her face downwards and continued her fierce potato-abuse. "How's your leg? Feeling any better? You know you're not allowed to move around so soon."

"Changing subject so bluntly, eh? Hehe, guess you don't want to talk about it then." Jorn limped over to the side of the field and sank down on the low fence.

"What are you doing out here? And without your crutches, too. If you fall and break your other leg, I won't carry you back to your house!" she frowned.

He laughed and stroked his beard. "Oh, I just felt like taking a small stroll. Or a very long one, for that matter. The missus got heaps of yarn that she needs to wind up and she wants me to sit there and help her.
'That ain't proper work for a sturdy fellow like myself' I thought, so the moment I had a chance I was out the door faster than a scoomacat on his way to his dealer."

Alisa dug up the last cluster of potatoes, shook the dirt off, and then put them in the nearly full basket. She rose to her feet and straightened her back.


"Seems like I'm finally finished here. I was supposed to finish it yesterday, but I had an appointment with Isiriil." She picked up the basket and took the hoe under her arm.

Jorn stopped stroking his beard, and instead proceeded to scratch his balding head.
"Oh, I'm in no right to complain about your work pace, with you doing this for free and all? I'd say you're? well stupid, in all honesty, to refuse any payment for it."

She smiled at him. "Well money isn't everything, you know. And hard work like this is good once in a while."
She started walking in the direction of Jorn's farmhouse, but stopped when he spoke;

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell the missus I'm out here, ya know..."

"I won't tell, but if she treats me to a sweetroll or two? Well, then my tongue just might slip." She laughed. "See you later, Jorn."

:read: Delightful. In quite a few ways, actually.

Some very imaginatively enjoyable descriptions.

Wonderful how you described Jorn via dialogue. You didn't tell us he had a bum leg, balding head and beard - you let him show through his actions and dialogue. Well done!

Finally, nice light touches of humor, especially the very end.

Two tiny things to consider:
"Alisa dug up the last cluster of potatoes, shook the dirt of, and then put them in the nearly full basket. She rose to her feet and straightened her back." - I think you mean 'off'.
"She picked up the basket and took the hoe under the arm." You might consider changing the last 'the' to perhaps 'her'. I think doing so would read more correctly and less redundantly.

This is fun to read. Thanks for providing it to us!

I can see already that I am going to like your character, your writing style, detail, all - Impeccable! Loving it, Loving it, More More!!!

Gah, 3 am is not proofreading time D:
I always try to sneak around using the words him, her, he, she etc. For some reason my sentences always end up having one of those words in it, and it ends up sounding so repetitive...

But thanks for pointing it out And thanks for reading



No more for you, yet
Gotta let the two first chapters settle down before I post the next one.


Look forward to chapter 3. That's when the real fun starts :3

Another good addition. Like Acadian said, your description of Jorn was done very well, flowing from the story like a stream. You have talent for this, and it shows in things like that.

Part of me is dying to ask if Jorn is an alchemist though, since I cannot imagine what someone in Tamriel would do with potatoes except to make Shield potions...

W00T! 1002 words this time! MAN, I love energy drinks! >:3
Hope this chapter catches your fancy ;D

I'm gonna go run a few laps around the neighbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
*AyumiFan fell asleep on the keyboard*





-What's your name?-


She walked down one of the many animal tracks in the forest, savoring the heavenly taste of the freshly baked sweetroll she got as her 'reward'.
But sadly, sweet baked goods were not enough to keep her mind from wandering back to her little problem.

What should I do? There's no need to go search for it again. It's not there. And what if Isiriil sees me and asks me what I'm doing? I can not lie to him, he is my friend? maybe if I went to the book store? no, that book is too old to be sold in any store now.

"Damn it, what should I do?!" She kicked a pebble, making it bounce away, and out of sight.

"Jump on one leg and cluck like a chicken" a voice said.

"And what would that be? Hey, who's there?! Where are you?!" she looked around, frenetically searching for the owner of the mysterious voice. "Show yourself!"

Something small hit her head and fell to the ground. She looked down at it.

A blackberry?

"I'm up here."

She raised her head and looked around. There, up in a tree, sat a person hidden behind the leaves.

"What do you want?" she said.

"What's your name?"

"Don't answer my question with another question. What do you want?" she scowled up at the person.

"What's your name?"

For a moment she just stood there, still scowling. Then she sighed and continued her little walk.
"Have it your way?" she muttered.

"Hey, wait up!" she heard the person move around and jump down to the ground. She just kept walking as she heard the person close in on her.
She continued for a while hoping that the person would grow tired and leave her alone, but it was still there, following her.

She stopped and turned around to face her follower. "Why are you following me? What do you want? I don't feel like playing games with you!"

"Wow. Are all the citizens here as friendly as you?" The person that had been following her was a young dunmer man. His skin was grey and a little light compared to the average dark elf. His eyes were a strong crimson, deep and rich in color. His hair was layered down his face in raven black locks, and in between there were some streaks of honey blonde giving him a rather peculiar look. His face had a strong yet kind expression.

He was about four inches taller than her and he had a well toned, athletic body. His outfit was composed of a white shirt with long sleeves, dark brown wide pants tucked into a pair of leather boots, and a black belt on his waist with a dagger fastened to it. He seemed oddly familiar?


Alisa blinked her eyes in surprise as she recognized the man.
"Hey, you are the one from yesterday! The creepy one? Errmh, I mean, the one with the wolf!" she eyed him quickly up and down. "You look? clean."

The man looked at her with a confused expression. "Uh? 'Thank you' I suppose? Is that a local greeting or something?"

"No, I? I?" she felt her face redden. "I mean compared to yesterday? you know; dead wolf, blood, dirt? all that stuff?" she stuttered.
She was kicking herself mentally for making such a fool out of herself.

The book! She suddenly remembered; maybe he knows where my book is!

"Hey, do you know where my book is? The one I was reading yesterday by the statue?" she looked at him with a hopeful expression.

"Hmm? A book, you say?" he stroked his chin in an over exaggerating manner. "Yes, I did see your book yesterday. You did not bother to bring it with you when you left so I took it. I understand why you left it, though. I did not understand a squat of that gibberish."

Her face brightened when she realized her book was safe. Or fairly safe, at least? "Great! Give it back, it belongs to me."

"Give it back? I didn't think you wanted it since you just left it lying around." He smiled at her. "Finders keepers, you know."

"What? No, you're misunderstanding! I did not just leave it there; I forgot it because of you!"

He raised his eyebrows. "Really? Am I so handsome that you get awestruck when you look at me?"

What?! Alisa stared at him in disbelief. By Stendarr! Is he a complete idiot? She gave him a serious glare; "I demand that you give me my book back this instant!"

"You know what?" he took one of the blackberries in his left hand and ate it. When he reached out his hand to offer one to Alisa she just gave him a cold glare, so he pulled his hand back and continued; "You are not a nice person."


She was shocked. No one had ever said something like that to her. He could not possibly mean that! But then again? she WAS being kind of rude...

"You are right?" she blushed and looked at the ground. "I'm being rude with you for no good reason. It is good that you took care of my book. I thank you for that? I'm sorry for snapping at you."

He chuckled. "Aw come on, don't be like that. I was just teasing you. Of course I will give you your book back."
He looked thoughtful for a moment before he said; "Let's just start over, okay?"

Alisa raised her head and saw that he had turned and walked a few steps away from her.

What is he doing?

He stood still for a moment before he turned and walked back to her again. When he reached her, he looked at her with a puzzled expression.

"Hey, aren't you that girl from yesterday? The one by the statue? You forgot your book when you left so I took care of it." He reached out his hand to her. "My name is Astien."

1. Just how tall is this guy?

2. Loved the banter between the two!

3. Is forgetting things a thing you do often? **looks at Ayumi Fan's Sig**

1. 1.77 meters tall. But don't you think 'he was about 1-77 meters tall' seems a little weird?

2. :goodjob:

3. only important stuff

I love it! This is wonderfully clever, different and fun fun fun to read!

Well, if he's 1.77 meters (5 foot 10 or so) and...

He was about four feet taller than her and he had a well toned, athletic body :blink:


...then just how short is your heroine?

I'm wrapped up in this! First, I love your writing style - you have the ability to immerse the readers from the first word to the last - (Your writing is perfection, that goes without saying) - You ROCK!!

I just thought I'd say, I love your story AyumiFan. It's easy to read but somehow you manage to convey a lot of detail with very few words and thats not easy to do.
I really like Alisa, she's so naive and innocent and kind of adorable I just want to hug her. Also I find Astein very intruiging, please keep writing : )

Clever and quirky, very fun.

The only nitpicky observations I can make is that in the beginning when our gigantic Dunmer was throwing blackberries you might also have added into your description that his voice was male.

Also, as D.Fox said, how huge is this guy? If Alisa is your standard 5.5 feet, then this guy must be over 9 feet tall?

Holy stinkcheese! I just discovered a major typo!



Hahaha, I just have to clarify that Astien is four INCHES taller than Alisa, not four FEET!

Sorry 'bout that

I have to remember that one. Holy Stinkcheese Batman! :lmao:

*makes valiant effort at self control*

must not say...must not say..must not say it...

*loses it*

Dear Ayumi, if you mistake inches for feet, then -

*self censored*