» Sat Jan 04, 2014 7:25 am When I was a young kid I played a game with knights and heroes and dragons, the game asked me to pick a class, out of 24, I chose the knight, at the time they were super cool and badass to me, they still are, but I never realized what I chose defined my true self: the longsword, the shield, heavy armor, and battling alone.
No matter how complex I act, the one handed longsword was always my favorite, simple, but deadly, it was said that no matter how strong you are, a skilled enough warrior could take you down, naked, with this "basic" weapon, I used countless others, bludgeons, axes, flails and such, but swords define me: simple and easily thrown away, never easily repaired either, in games you throw away the sword for the next big thing, you break it down or sell it for the next best Zweihander or Daedric Sword of Amazingness, but what happened to that sword? Probably given to another new player of the game, and thrown just the same, no one knows this, but that sword is me...always thrown away, never wanted for long...never desired, never loved by anyone
After my mom left and I started getting beat up, I started to fight back but I was still a cry baby, so others still picked on me...I decided to convince everyone that I was strong,I would lock my heart away in a suit of armor, once I put it on, I've never taken it off, so no one could see my heart still broken and bleeding, still tormented and scared...still trying to act though, and be social and popular, and once I got those friends, I made them my everything, my life, my days and my hours and my minutes, I existed to make them happy, because I never was, but deep down I realized it wasn't about them, it was about me, because inside that armor, was me, the real me, a 7 year old who doesn't want another woman to come into his life and leave again...
I prefer to be alone, hard to believe now, huh? I'm social, have (had) over 30,000 followers on twitter and vine (each) , but the truth is I get nervous around other people, honestly, I do, I might act social and high and mighty and like I know what to do...but I'm scared, scared I'll say the wrong thing, scared I'll mess up, scared I'll let you down..so I shut myself out, up to the very most point of where I couldn't feel anything anymore, the finest point to where I couldn't feel the pain, but I came into a problem, this girl, this beautiful girl, struck me like an arrow, piercing my armor, penetrating my heart...my broken bleeding heart, I felt defenseless, I felt weak, I felt....love, I thought I would be best alone, so I shut her out, attempted to fill the hole with six and alcohol and an expensive lifestyle...but nothing worked, nothing fixed it, nothing would help besides her....she came back, another chance, another day, "I'd rather be alone", I would say and lie, but if I'm not alone, in company, I'd like it to be her, where I could cry in security
The shield, my second hand, my buddy, my scars, my marks, my personality. I used to always wear my heart on my sleeve telling girls how I felt, and beating up those that pissed me off, over heart breaks and broken bones...I realized, to be truly in love...to have something to really fight for...was that she knew exactly what it all meant...she can't read me and I can't read her, neither of us are ready to put down the shield, sheathe the sword or take off the armor...we don't want out hearts broken, and I'm sure she'll never have it happen from me, because the armor is about to come off, the shield is about to come down, and th the sword is about to be sheathed...
Lastly, I have something that in my arsenal that everyone uses, your strategy, as my play style became more developed, more mature I realized that I was very kind and generous, I always spared those that begged for mercy, always went out of my way to save others, I always gave more than needed, but I only did those things because I wanted someone to do it to me...for a while I was ruthless, I had six and drank and fought and stole, but that was when I tried to run from her, tried to escape what I really was, trying to make sure that the killing blow wouldn't be landed, but I couldn't, she scared me, five foot one and a half, 106 pounds intimidated me, me, ME, Christian Kirkley, ask any one, I had been known for showing no fear, acting in hilarious and courageous things, I was shocked to see how myself six foot two, at 140 pounds was deathly afraid, at the beginning of the marching season when I saw her, i didn't want anything to do with her, I rejected all contact...trying to deny and form of her liking me, I thought to myself getting suited up one morning for a show "I wish she's reject me already" but no, she typically said hi and on that day, she gave me a hug...I thought myself damned by god...when I thought of quitting band, she was the first to get pissed, later into my junior year, when my spot was taken away, she was the first to try and help, I never thought she'd even like me...but there she was loving me at every turn...that's my class, that's what The Knight means to me, like me, we're both much more complex than you think..
That's my story, my life, how I became the Knight and fell in love
