SKELETON: Pull my finger...
DRAUGR: This wasn't funny 4000 years ago, or the last 27,000 times you did it...
SKELETON: Last time, I swear! Pull it...
DRAUGR: {Hesitates, then pulls his finger.}
SKELETON: {Lifts a leg... remains quiet.}
DRAUGR: Um, did you forget... {Eyes begin to water} OMG, What the...
SKELETON: Silent but deadly!
DRAUGR: If you weren't dead, I would kill you!
SKELETON: I wasn't the one who decided to adventure in here, 4000 years ago... How is that knee, by the way?

=========

DRAGON: "I can breath fire, breath ice, shout-blast, fly, guard word-walls, destroy villages..."
MUDCRAB: "... I pinch"

=========

DRAGON BORN: Here Lydia, hold this for me...
LYDIA: Yes my Thane, I am...
DRAGON BORN: Just hold the damn torch, so I can unlock this chest...
LYDIA: Hold this Lydia, hold that Lydia, follow me Lydia, go home Lydia...
DRAGON BORN: You know what... I am getting sick of your attitude woman... Why did you agree to be my house-carl if you were just going to complain?
LYDIA: Do you see a house out here? Is the world your house? You are out here killing everything, and having me help you... for what? I haven't seen the house in weeks!
DRAGON BORN: Ok, you are right... I will try to be a little more sympat....
LYDIA: ... Not to mention all the damn traps you keep inviting me into...
DRAGON BORN: Well, I see your....
LYDIA: ... Just one more adventure, you say... Just one more mile... Just one more...
DRAGON BORN: Ok, Ok, I get it. You can sto...
LYDIA: ... All I wanted was a normal damn life... Two kids... learn some cooking... clean some book-shelves... make the bed... But nooo... you had to go and...
DRAGON BORN: "I love you Lydia!"
LYDIA: ... go and... what?
DRAGON BORN: "I love you Lydia. Will you marry me?"
LYDIA: {Squints} It's about freaking time you opened your mouth to say something worth listening to...
DRAGON BORN: "FUS RO DA" {Lydia goes flying into the wall, and dies.} Sorry Lydia, this just wasn't working out... {Thinks to self, "Great, now I have to carry her crap home too."}

So, just for fun...

The other day my mother called me over, because she was having trouble with the game. She is one of those people who runs around picking flowers and mining all day... hording everything that is not nailed-down in the game. She was complaining about the new home she just purchased in Solitude. For some reason, her memory in a 3D world is not that great. This is made more difficult by the similar homes and lack of home markers on the map.

Being the kind person I am... I showed her how to place items in the world. We managed to get a kettle filled with lettuce placed outside her front door, where she would not kick it over.

When she went to sleep, before I left... I decided to make it REAL EASY to find her house... I ran around the town and gathered every pot, bucket, kettle, vase, plate, fruit, vegetable, cheese-wheel, and whatever-else could be taken without being a thief... Then I dropped it all, one at a time, outside her house. The whole street was filled with rolling foods and home-decor. Then I saved the game with her standing in the middle of the pile.

The next day, she calls me up... "What happened to my house?" lolz... Must be a bug...

She picked-up every single item, save for a few buckets, and placed them in her drawers in her house... OMG.

To pay me back, the other day... She stopped by to jump on to my game. I woke-up in Whiterun Prison, with a naked dead bandit spread on one of the beds. I am still not sure how she got us both in the cell. She must have dragged him in there, and picked the door open. Needless to say... I will never mess with her game again. JK, The war is on! Going to stop by her house tomorrow!

zing!

Dude I almost fell out of my chair. My wife didn`t think it was very funny when I woke her up because I was laughing so hard. I tried to tell it to her but she threw a shoe at me instead.

LMFAO...nice!

The skeleton said to the draugh that he's the one who adventured there 4000 years ago, but its the other way arround, the draugr was buried and the skeleton is the adventurer... But I laughed

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?
ANSWER: That was the first step of the witness relocation and protection program...

==========

QUESTION: Who stole your sweet-role?
ANSWER: I think it was the guard with the limp...

==========

Three chickens walk into a bar... The fourth one ducks...

==========

BARD: Our hero, our hero, claims a warrior’s heart
... I tell you, I tell you, the Dragonborn comes
... With a Voice wielding power of the ancient Nord art
... Believe, believe, the Dragonborn comes
... It’s an end to the evil, of all Skyrim’s foes
... Beware, beware, the Dragonborn comes
... For the darkness has passed, and the legend yet grows
... You’ll know, You’ll know the Dragonborn’s come
DRAGON BORN: {Smiles at the song}
DRUNK: {Hums the tune...} "You're so vain..."

There are DRAGONS.... in my basemant!

=========

SVEN's MOM: I think I heard a dragon...
SVEN: Dragon... there are no such things as...
{CRUNCH}
DRAGON: Did I just eat a lute?
SVEN's MOM: I did, I did, I did taw a dwagon!

=========

PORKY PIG: Ba-deeb a-deeb, did you say something?
CHICKEN: Bak, bak, bak...?
PORKY PIG: I thought you just sss-ss-said you saw a dd-dd-dd-dd-dd... Giant lizard that blows flames and has wings...
CHICKEN: {Crosses road}
{CRUNCH}
DRAGON: I love bacon!
CHICKEN: Told you it was better than chicken!

=========

GUARD: What did you say?
DOG: Woof, woof, bark, bark...
GUARD: OMG, where is he?
DOG: Woof, woof, bark, bark...
GUARD: {Yells in your direction} Stop there Dragon-born! You have violated the law! I have a witness who said that they saw you steal a sweet-roll, shoot another guard in the knee, and kill a chicken!
DOG: Woof, woof, bark, bark...
GUARD: Oh yea... and I almost forgot... you assaulted a horse too!
DRAGON BORN: I am the Jarl's Thane... Can't we forget all this?
GUARD: Well, OK... but I got my... {Gets shot in the knee by the Dragon-born, and dies.}
DOG: Yelp {Gets killed by Dragon-born}
MESSAGE: {Last witness killed, bounty removed}
DRAGON BORN: If it isn't Mr. Ed, or Lassie, or the chickens... It is another damn retired adventurer who has to play the hero...

I have a hard time trying to figure out why the first one is supposed to be funny...

Arrow to the knee joke... or something?

Skeleton... Fart... silent... (Rectum... damn near killed him!)
Trapped for 4000 years... waiting for another adventurer to enter... (As opposed to playing solitare with a partner? Or resting in piece.)
Draugr = "retired" adventurer... arrow in the knee... (Dead = retired) Rotting corpse, bothered by skeleton fart...

I said they were dry!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have a gun
get in the van

See about that lifting leg, I though he kicked the draugr or something... :/ That's where the whole joke went un-understandable.

Those were hilarious dude! My favorites are the skeleton and Dragur and the Dragonborn praising bard, too funny! Keep it up!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Lydia is a tool
And she knows it too

=======

Mary had a little lamb...
But I ate it!

=======

DRAGON: Tastes like chicken...
DRAUGR: Ok, I'll try it... {Licks the frog} Ewwww, you liar!
DRAGON: You did it wrong... Try it again...
DRAUGR: Fool me once... {Calls skeleton over...}

QUESTION: What is black and white, and red all over...
ANSWER: You! {STRUN BAH QO}, {LIZ SLEN NUS}, {YOL TOOR SHOL} = {Blasts you with lightning, turning you black. Then freezes you with ice-form, turning you white. Finally he sets you on fire, making you glow red.}

HAHAHA :rofl:

QUESTION: How many adventurers does it take to change a light-bulb...
ANSWER: What the hell is a light-bulb? ALT: Before or after the knee injury?

========

QUESTION: How many licks to get to the center of a dragon-born?
ANSWER: 1, 2, 3, {CRUNCH}... I guess we'll never know!
DRAGON: Where is the cream filling!

========

QUESTION: How are we able to kill the undead?
ANSWER: ... Seriously... how... they are already killed...

========

QUESTION: Why are foxes called foxes, rabbits called rabbits, bears called bears, and dragon-flies called dragon-flies... but... Fire-flies are called torch-bugs?
ANSWER: ... Seriously... why?... You had to make-up that one name for the creature... (Minecraft)

========

QUESTION: What clucks like a chicken, barks like a dog, neighs like a horse, and pinches...
ANSWER: Every damn witness in the game!

========

QUESTION: Dragon-born
ANSWER: 42

========

QUESTION: If a tree falls in Skyrim, and no-one is there to hear it fall... did it make a sound?
ANSWER: That's a stupid question. Ask the chicken!

DRAGON #1: {Eats a guard} "Tastes great, but I got an arrow stuck in my teeth!"
DRAGON #2: {Eats a skeleton} "Less filling, but tastes like a fart!"
DRAGON #3: {Eats Dragon-Born} "WTF!" {Flies backwards and crashes}

This is my most favorite thread ever of all time. Please post more.

QUESTION: Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
ANSWER: I am sure it was the rooster... (Not in this game)

The realism in this game svcks...
- The dragons fly backwards... (Everyone knows they fly forwards!)
- The skeletons hear you miles away... (Everyone knows skeletons have bad hearing without ears!)
- The time is all messed-up... (I played for 3 hours, and the game says I have been playing for 300 hours.. OMG... I have been playing for 300 hours!)

At first Saadia was like I have no option to marry you.

Then I was like sup baby ~ click Saadia, addtofaction 19809 1 and then player.setrelationshiprank player 4.

That's all it takes to make someone love you.

Thanks for the laugh, OP. Share more. :clap: :tops:

QUESTION: What do dragons and bunnies have in common?
ANSWER: Both take me about 40 arrows to kill them...

QUESTION: What is the difference between a dragon and a bunny?
ANSWER: Bears would never wipe with a dragon!

[censored] be hot. She's been a bad girl, you know.

LYDIA: You were right, High Hrothgar is beautiful... I think I can see Solitude from here.
DB: Yes... I'm yso happy to be with you here, you know?
LYDIA: So am I... Remember I said I was sworn to carry your burdens? Turns out I'm pregnant.
DB: Oh that's, that's...
LYDIA: That's what dear?
DB: That's FUS RO DAH!

(And then Lydia was no more).