» Wed Mar 13, 2013 9:05 am As commissioned by the Elder Council, I have gone to Skyrim and stayed for a year in order to study the health of its inhabitants. The results are nothing short of worrisome.
The root of the problem is probably the Nord diet. They put salt on everything. The people of Skyrim keep and measure their salt in bowls they refer to as "piles." They make no food without at least one of these piles included. Meat, vegetables, anything prepared is heavily salted, regardless of how it was cooked. I was quite shocked to discover that a common, simple dish of grilled leeks is made by infusing a single leek stalk with one of these so called salt piles, and only then grilling it.
The result of this behavior has lead to catastrophic rates of high blood pressure and heart disease.
The frequent deaths of Skyrim's inhabitants as a result of poor health choices has diminished the population of this once thriving province to only a little more than a few hundred or so advlts, with even less children.
Indeed, in my journeys I was shocked to discover from the province's barrows that there are more embalming tools present than there are people, likely owing to a thriving mortuary industry overseen by priests of Arkay.
To cope with the sorrow caused by this unfortunate epidemic, the Nords of Skyrim continuously ingest large amounts of alcohol. The few remaining citizens have set up breweries, providing much needed emotional relief for their customers. Each night, a town's population gathers at the local inn or tavern, and drinks, sometimes until dawn. Travelers to Skyrim may be shocked by the sheer amount of alcohol found not only in inns, but street stalls, homes, temples, and guard barracks.
Most troubling of all is without a doubt the widespread constipation in Skyrim. Perhaps due to their diet, or maybe as a consequence of some foul magic, nobody in the entirety of the province ever defecates. At first glance, a newcomer will notice that there are no outhouses or lavatories present anywhere. I inquired as to why this was, but the locals only brushed me off, and accused me of drinking milk (apparently a grave taboo to these people). My theory is that the large amounts of salt ingest by these folk daily has caused their stomach's humors to congeal, effectively halting the digestive process.
Immediate action is sorely needed to remedy these poor souls. Stendarr knows something must at least be done to assuage their pain.
In fact, in the "hold" (as the locals call subdivisions of Skyrim) of the Reach, a large group of people have been driven mad by their suffering, and have taken to calling themselves the Forsworn. They claim that their inability to properly void themselves is in fact a blessing (hence their name: they have forsworn pooping). They attack travelers and occasionally settlements for dubious reasons, likely spurred solely by their madness.
Chancellor, please send relief to Skyrim immediately. I know that I will be returning shortly after completing this report with a contingent of healers from the Arcane University that we may begin treatment as soon as possible.
Respectfully,
Biggus Diccus
Special Envoy of the Elder Council,
Dean of the College of Restoration
So, what do you think, guys? Is this gonna get included in the Imperial Library or what?
