Jokes

Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:08 pm

May be a little rude.

Spoiler
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgism in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

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Ria dell
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 6:00 pm

May be a little rude.

Spoiler
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgism in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"


:laugh: Nice one, even through its kinda gross :sb:
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Laura Richards
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 10:05 pm

a jew, a catholic, and a buddist monk are walking through a forest arguing about whose religion is better. the catholic proposes a game, if a representative of their religion can convert a bear, they win.

the catholic begins the game, finds a bear and gives it holy water, the bear drinks from it and immediately sings the praise of god.

the buddist monk goes forward and gives a bear a bowl of rice. the bear eats it and after hearing about the greatness of buddha, he believes.

the monk and the catholic are at a stalemate, and wait for several hours for the jew to return. after searching for him, they find him bleeding and with several broken bones, he says "Shouldnt have started with the circumcision."
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El Khatiri
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 10:36 pm

I found this funny.

Spoiler
Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers Bar. Tam turns to Shuie and says, “Ye ken fit? I’m tired o’ gan through life withoot an education. The morn, I think I’ll gang doon to the community college and sign up for some classes.”
Shuie thinks it’s a good idea and the two leave.
The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History and Logic.
“Logic?” Tam says. “Fit’s at?”
The Lecturer says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?”
“Aye”
“Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a garden?”
“That’s true, I dee huv a gerden.”
“I’m not done,” the Lecturer says.
“Because you have a garden, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Aye, I dee huv a hoose.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“I huv a femily.”
“I’m not done yet.
Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yer nae wrang!! I dee huv a wife!!”
“And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosixual?”
“I am a heterosixual. That’s amazin’!! You were able to find a’ that oot, jist ‘cos I huv a strimmer.”
Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturer’s hand and leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.
He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
“Logic?” Shuie says, “Fit’s at?”
Tam says, “I’ll tell ye. Di ye huv a strimmer?”
“No.”
“Well then, yer a poof.”


and another
Spoiler
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children..

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting..

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range..

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prosttute, but you’re not one, are you?

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Andrew Perry
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:08 pm

What's green and pear-shaped?

Spoiler
A pear...

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Danger Mouse
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 10:55 am

the dalai llama goes up to a hot dog vendor after a trip to new york city and says "Make me one with everything."

after he gets the hot dog, he gives the man five dollars and asks "wheres my change?"

the hot dog vendor replies with "Didnt you know? change comes form within!"
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Laura Mclean
 
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Post » Fri Jan 22, 2010 2:51 am

Why did the spy stay in bed all day? he needed to stay undercover
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Ilona Neumann
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 12:07 pm

http://j-walkblog.com/index.php?/weblog/posts/blond_joke/
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Tom Flanagan
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 6:22 pm

Spoiler
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children..

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting..

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range..

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prosttute, but you’re not one, are you?



:rofl:



A young man comes home late at night after a party and his father is still up waiting for him.
"Hi, dad. Guess what? I've had six for the first time"
"All-right. That's my boy. Sit down and I'll get you a whiskey"
"A whiskey will be fine but I don't think I can sit just yet"
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jessica sonny
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 10:04 pm

Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?

Spoiler
In case he got a hole in one.

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Czar Kahchi
 
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Post » Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:51 am

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:
1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women's deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're really, really ugly. Have a nice day :)
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Josee Leach
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 7:55 pm

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basemant, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

-----

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed six more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy six more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

------

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

-----

Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

-----

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"



Done for today. :)
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Imy Davies
 
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Post » Fri Jan 22, 2010 1:28 am

http://j-walkblog.com/index.php?/weblog/posts/blond_joke/

That one is great. Totally worth it.
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Marta Wolko
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 6:08 pm

A man says to a friend, "My wife is on a three-week diet."
"Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?"
"Two weeks."


Wandering around a fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-teller's tent for a laugh. "I see you're the father of two," says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball.
"Ha! That's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three."
"Ha!" says the fortune-teller. "That's what you think."


Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Stockholm takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird."
The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn."
"Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."
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Elea Rossi
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 4:06 pm

a man calls a psychic hotline and hears "Welcome to the psychic hotline, i'm cindy, whats on your mind?"
the man responds by saying "I figured you would know that!!!"
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alicia hillier
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 12:37 pm

This isn't a joke, but I it came to me suddenly yesterday and I think it's funny as hell.

Men like women who play medieval/fantasy games, because those women believe in mythical creatures, like: fairies, elves, orcs, decent men... :P
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Justin Bywater
 
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Post » Fri Jan 22, 2010 1:52 am

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
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Mrs Pooh
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 3:48 pm

A Priest, a Rabbi and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them incredulously and says "Is this a joke?"
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WYatt REed
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:17 pm

A Priest, a Rabbi and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them incredulously and says "Is this a joke?"

The priest said Opus Dei
The rabbi said Oy Vey
The horse said neigh
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tannis
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 11:33 pm

The priest said Opus Dei
The rabbi said Oy Vey
The horse said neigh

:rofl:
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Hairul Hafis
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 7:29 pm

So a Capitalist, Communist, Socialist, and Monarch, walk into a bar. Out of curiosity the bartender asks how it is that they get their drink.

The Capitalist says it comes from his own hard work
The Socialist says it is provided by the government
The Communist says it is shared by the neighbors
The Monarch says it is required as a tribute to the throne

Then a local says, drunk, "Are you guys crazy? The barkeep hands that [censored] out! Another whiskey my good man."

--------

During an entrance course at college, a philosophy professor starts talking to students about priorities.
To illustrate, he has a jar and some rocks, pebbles, and sand.
He says to his students that the larger rocks are important things like school, a job.
The pebbles are like family and friends.
The sand is day to day stuff like games and sports.

He then filled up the two jars.
With the first he poured in a bunch of sand, some pebbles, and could only fit in one rock.
"See, because this person filled up on pleasure, and then worried about relationships their life will have a hard time going anywhere.
Then, with the second, he placed the rocks in the jar, then poured in the pebbles, then filled the rest with sand.
"This person had a much better time with things and has a much brighter future"

Then the professor pulls out two cans of beer, opens them, and proceeds to pour them into the jars. And says:
"And let this be a lesson to you, no matter what you have going on in your life there is always room for beer!"

Cheers :foodndrink:
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Leonie Connor
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 3:00 pm

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching the 11:00 P.M. news. A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building, contemplating suicide.

The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps off that building and commits suicide."

The blonde thinks for a moment then replies: "OK, you're on!"

They watch for a few minutes and sure enough, the man jumps off the ledge. The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her, saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that I watched the 6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that the man would jump.

The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't think he'd do itagain!"
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louise tagg
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 11:39 am

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching the 11:00 P.M. news. A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building, contemplating suicide.

The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps off that building and commits suicide."

The blonde thinks for a moment then replies: "OK, you're on!"

They watch for a few minutes and sure enough, the man jumps off the ledge. The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her, saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that I watched the 6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that the man would jump.

The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't think he'd do itagain!"


:rofl: Oooohhhh that is great!
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Amelia Pritchard
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 7:21 pm

GUN SHOT SURVIVOR - How's this for a gunshot survivor...



Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.


Linda is a blonde, Moderator: No politics, not even in jest, but that could be just a coincidence.



:P
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Laura Elizabeth
 
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Post » Thu Jan 21, 2010 10:58 pm

-snip-

Mythbusters!
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Ymani Hood
 
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