Joke from the funny jokes app for my Droid:


I almost fell on the ground because of this joke hahaha!

My girlfriend said I was an annoying git the other day.


I almost choked on my Vuvuzela






I got aroused last week whilst watching Countdown with Carol Vorderman.

Seven letters isn't too shabby, is it?



That's it now, I'm going to be trawling through jokes for hours.

That lucky woman... >_>

Me neither.

Lol that is what I thought too! And I wonder what her husband would feel like hahahaha

I know jokes are lame if you explain them... But... Explain?

Oh, another.

Me and my mate were arguing about which is the best vowel.
I won.

:rofl: You just made my morning!

...

Whaaat...???

Vowels are sounds, and a few are represented in English as letters: A, E, I, O and U.


"I" won.

Never mind.

:banghead: Of course. I couldn't tell a vowel from a consonant to be honest.

Can't decide who to support in the World Cup out of North & South?

Consult your local Korea Advisor...

I used to love all the 'What do you call a man' jokes, like:
What do you call a man in a pile of leaves?

Russell

What do you call a man floating in the sea?

Bob

Also, a long one here...I so want to try this:

A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver: Yes, mate.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, as well.

AHAHAHAHAHA!!! :rofl: Old but I'd forgotten how it ended

I think that's the point of the joke. I laughed at the bluntness. :shrug: If there is a clever pun in there, then it escapes me.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied: "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer, staring in horror at the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "Where's my Rolex?!"

Maybe the barking and chasing dog was all the mailman had to look forward to in his life? And...when the dog stopped doing it, he had nothing left. So he killed himself? I don't know.

:lol:



Thats what I thought to, it should have made me lol because it seemed like dark humor, but I just didnt understand.

How about some anti-humor?

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk.The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

So two men walk into a bar, one says to the other "I saw quite a few strange men going in and out of your wife's house last night."
The other man replies "Yes, my wife has taken up prostitution to make money for her current drug addiction."

Why did the blonde jump off the bridge?


So three blind mice walk into a bar, they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humor would be exploitive.

So a man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!"
The doctor replies, "That's fairly irrelevant now that you have less than 24 hours to live."

What do you call a seven foot tall blue Scotsman named Max?


A little boy is going to school when he is stopped by a stranger.

The stranger tells the little boy, when his teacher asks him why he is late, just say Willytop.

The boy looks at the stranger oddly, but proceeds to go to school.

He arrives 5 minutes late, and is teacher isn't that happy. His teacher asks him why he is late. All the boy says is Willytop. The teacher looks at him horrified, and sends him to the office.

Well, the boy arrives in the principals office, and the principal asks him why he was sent down. All the boy said was Willytop. [Yes sudden change to past tense; I didn't write this!] The Principal was so horrified that he expelled the boy from school.

Well, the boy went home to find his parents in the living room. They told the boy they knew he was expelled, but they wanted to know why. All the boy said was Willytop. The parents were so horrified by this that they kicked him out of the house.

Well, the boy is now walking to dark town streets, when he is stopped by a cop. The cop asks him why he is walking the streets alone. All the boy says is Willytop. The cop is so disgusted, that he kicks the boy out of town.

Well, the boy is now sitting in a bar, and the bartender asks him why he is alone. All the boy said was Willytop. The bartender looked at him horrified, but before the bartender could say anything, the boy says "Please sir, I was kicked out of school, my house and even my hometown because of Willytop. What does it mean sir?" The bartender nods, and tells the boy to come with him across the street, because if he tells him in the bar, the other people may get mad.

Well, the boy and the bartender are across the street from the bar. The bartender opens his mouth, but before he could speak, a drunk driver hits them both.

:rofl: Those are good!

British police officer walks down a street of suspicious bouncing cars

knocks on first door
oi oi whats going on in here?
Don't worry officer im just teaching my husband the waltz

knocks on second car
allo allo whats going on?
Oh don't worry officer im just teaching my boyfriend here salsa
oh right

knocks on third car
oi oi
I suppose your teaching the casanova?
no I'm doing the boss a favor

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

:rofl: That is amazing!! My abs hurt now from laughing!!!


what does Willytop mean?

One more long one.


Three men walk into a bar. Two go and find a seat while the other heads to the bar to buy the first round. As he approaches the barman, the barman can't help but notice how well-to-do this man looks. He is covered head to toe in the finest garments and jewelry, he is even wearing a crown, a monocle, and carrying a scepter. In short, all the trappings of a cartoon billionaire.

As the bar man is pulling the pints he remarks to the gentleman: "I hope you don't think I'm prying, but, I couldn't help but notice you seem pretty well off. How, may I ask did you come into such a fortune?"

The man replies: "Well, me and my friends over there found a genie in a beer bottle outside, and he granted us each a wish."

Barman: "So, I take it you wished to be the richest man in the world."

The man puts one finger on his nose, and points at the barman with the other hand, as you would in a game of charades.

Barman: "Not a bad choice at all if I do say so."

The man nods politely, pays for the round and goes over to his friends.

After a while, the second man goes up to the bar. This man is notable only insofar as he can barely be seen for all the beautiful women draqed around him, seemingly caressing every available inch of his body.

He orders another round, which the barman dutifully pulls. As he finishes off the last pint he can't help but comment: "I hope you don't mind me asking but, you are a friend of that wealthy gentlemen over there aren't you?"

"I am indeed," murmurs the man from beneath the pile of beauties.

"And you wished to be the most attractive man in the world?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Excellent choice sir, enjoy your round," says the barman with the kind of knowing smile you tend to see on people vicariously appreciating the implied sixual exploits of a stranger.

So he shuffles back to the table and he and his friends have their drinks. Not long later the third man approaches the bar and asks for another round. The barman cannot help but notice this man has an orange for a head. But he carries on pulling the pints in silence, until he cannot contain himself any longer and asks:

"You found the genie too, right?"

"That's correct," replies the man with an orange for a head.

"And what did you wish for, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I wished to have an orange for a head."

Did you know you can build a cabin using only math.

take the indefinite integral of 1/cabin dcabin...
:nerd:



....yeah :shifty: