No, that's a houseboat.

you see that piano Stevie Wonder got? no?

Copied from BGSFans:

Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

What a Coincidence...

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. ''This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized Eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different [censored],' he replied.The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'

The Genie
A man named Tom walked into a bar that he had never been to before. He looked around and noticed a twelve-inch tall man playing the piano. Astounded by this, Tom went to speak to the owner of the bar.

"Where did you get a twelve-inch tall man that can play the piano?" Tom asked.

The owner of the bar smiled. "There's a genie in the back room. Would you like to make a wish?"

"Sure!" Tom said, quite enthused. Tom proceeded to follow the owner of the bar to the back room.

"Just rub the lamp and make a wish." The bar owner said.

Tom rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared.

"I am the magic genie. You may make one, and only one, wish."

Tom made no hesitation at all. "I wish for a million bucks!" Tom said. But instead, he was presented with one million ducks.

"What the hell?" Tom asked "I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The owner of the bar looked over at Tom.

"Do you really think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

There once was a man from Venus
Who had an unusually large...nose.

I think you mean "Rooster"

Ha, reminds me of Gran Torino... If you haven't heard it, go watch the movie.

A local bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Over time, many people tried, from truckers, to bodybuilders, to karate masters, but not one of them succeeded.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter subsided, the bartender decided to humor him. He grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered and the flabbergasted bartender paid the $1000, he asked the little man, "What's your secret? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

:whistling:



When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."
From my dad.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh that slaps me on the knee.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

How many college kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I heard those Bieber songs the other day...
...totally got into it.

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

:rofl: That is amazing!

Nothing wrong with a bit of dark pitch black "Oh dear god!" humor. :whistling:

The cartoon was creepy as hell! Hahaha, I liked it, but it was just like. What the [censored]?

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

:rofl: Oh god! I need a shower..

I don't get it. :confused:

There's a gentleman's club for joke-tellers, where they all gather every week to share their favorite jokes. Having heard all the jokes in the world, however, they only refer to them by number. Throughout the evening, amidst much drinking and mingling, the occasional number is shouted out. "42!" someone cries, and everyone bursts into laughter. "76! Remember that one?" More laughter. Finally someone screams out, "101! 101! Ahahahahaa!" and the entire room erupts into fits and gales. One guy stands out from the crowd, though, laughing harder than all the rest, carrying on long after everyone else has stopped. His friend nudges him and asks, "Hey, what's the big idea? What's so funny?" He replies, tears streaming down his face, "I haven't heard that one before!"



Heh, yeah. Great movie!

Seven days without a pun makes one weak

Think of it as sort of a spray-on Viagra.