I've never wrote a beginning of a story, So I'm a beginner, What you think though?

Here we go.

Chapter one.

The Dream.


It was a strange night, a slight burning smell in the air, The cold shallow whispers in the night was calling Dovikea, The shadows emerged from the snowy ground, blood tapped against the wall, Like a rythem, The sound of a blade being sharpened, as if ready, ready for a kill, The sounds kept coming closer, Her heart was thumping right now, She could hear the panting, and the feeling of the icy breath that trembled upon her, The lights were flickering, surley she could escape now, But her body was froze, her feet chained to the ground, She couldnt move, As she felt the sharp piercing pain in her neck, Everything turned black.
"Dovikea!, Dovikea, get up! I need you to collect some mudcrab meat from the local merchant!" Her mother cried out.
Dovikea swept her long red hair back, She slowly sat up from her hammock, her muscles tense and ached, She stood up, and went towards the mirror, As she looked into it, A slight hiss frightened her, A quick look behind her, Nothing, She cried out as she looked in the mirror, Her ice blue eyes had turned black, Her pale blue skin, cracked, Scratches covered her body, Blood started to drip, Like the rhythm from the dream, they were coming from the two holes in her neck. That was the last thing she remembered.

Welcome Vao! Since this your first time I'll try to give some bits of advice I have. This being advice, you by no way have to take it. You could say screw you and ignore it if you wished, but I like to think that I can help.

1.) Get rid of the underline, there can be nothing more annoying then a block of text underlined.

2) Cause this is short, it may not matter yet, but spacing out your paragraph make it easier to read, a full space as a buffer works wonders on the eyes.

3.) Space out the dialouge much the same way you space paragraphs, with a line of space in between in it, like so:

"Hello," she said.

The man looked over his shoulder, he had no face.

"Hello."

4.) Re-read it for small grammatical errors like misspelling and missing commas.

5.) Re-read and look over your word choice.



:confused:

I guess it almost has a beat then?

You other confusing pieces that threw off the flow of the story and made me backtrack. But I just did one as an example.

Altogether your diction(they way you use words) was confusing, making the story a little hard to follow. Re-read it and see if it makes sense to you or if there is a way you can improve on your words.



Could be:

the wall, dripping to a gently cadence.

Over the top? Maybe, but it a little less confusing then the previous state.

6.) Not enough detail. In a span of two short paragraphs I haven't learned anything about the main character except that she is turning into a vampire. In fact, what is the setting? It was snowing in the dream, but where in Tamrial is she? Cyrodiil? Valenwood? A cottage in the woods? No, a market is nearby, Imperial City? Can't really say. Even the dream should have more detail on setting.

And you need internal thought or monologue. In order to connect when need to know here feelings and emotions, we can't do that if you don't reveal them to us. Show us how terrified she is and let her thoughts run across the page, show off her personality, and then she'll be a great character that I can grow attached too.

This is probably more like a prologue, it would work better. That way you can start us off with her becoming a vampire with little to no insight on her, and yet continue the story adding her conflicted emotions and feelings, maybe revealing us some of her past life so we begin to know who she is.

I'm just thinking ahead at this point.

Key Points: Diction, Detail, Dialogue, Monologue/Thoughts.

All this being said, I do not want to drive you away from writing, I encourage you to keep going. It will be a rewarding experience and you'll definitely improve, but if you quite now then nothing has changed. Keep it up

Hehe thanks:)