ok, after reading the rp guide I've decided to create a character (I say chr for short, ok?) sheet to explain some background story, 1st, im going to answer my critasim:
1. I've never written a fan fic before
2. I'm not exactly the best writer, because im only 13 years old
3. On every FF site they've said "a fan fic must be based in the same world as the real game/book/movie", so my story DOES take place in cyrodil so I thought it would count as a fan fic, sue me 'cause no ones ever ACTULLY bothered to tell me what else makes a fan fiction story
4. to the guy who said they lost brain cells reading this, you either really mean it and have a serious medical condition or your too lazy to actully tell me whats wroung and how it could be improved
5. im british so english is my FIRST language
6. I said the suit did not need REPAIR, not that it was invinsable (but for those who think the owner can destroy anyone with the armor and that the story is gonna consist of boring one sided fights, count the number of pods in the "metal object"
7. its a CROSSOVER, wich as far as I know from reading ALOT of fan fics means two different serie's worlds get mixed up completly or just a few puns

now onto the chr sheet
Name: Harley
Race: Khajit (spelt right?)
background story?: rescued kvatch from being destroyed by daedra (completly), destroyed umaril with the crusaders relics (which currently reside at the priory undercroft), and stopped the greymarch in shivering isles, currently searching for a legandary suit of armor after hearing a rumor about it from a shopkeeper in bruma
class: spell knight (custom)
birth sign: warrior
major skills: blade, heavy armor, block, destruction, restoration, armorer, light armor
general apperance: light brown fur, yellow eyes (cats eyes but with round pupils), mane hairstyle
armor/clothing: amber set for travelling, madness set for fighting (for the time being)
weapons: dawnfang/duskfang (again, for the time being)

First: NO way you are british, if you are, you are extremely uneducated.

Second: It seems you have essentially taken whichever character you play in the game and copied a basic description of him.

No need to create a new thread for this, could simply have been done in the same thread.

On topic:
Khajiit has two i's, but no big deal, your equiptment is very uber, and you should attempt to go into 10 times more detail in everything, I know you won't get it but you need to put full effort into everything, don't tell us what happened, show us what happened. And you don't have to of written a fan fic before I've seen many great first tries, but I've also seen many drastic improvements.

Extremely? That's pushing it, British aren't some super race of humans.

Age isn't exactly an excuse. My class consists of 13-14 year old people (me being 14), and, constantly doing short mini-RPs during boring lessons, I can say confidentaly that many of them are excellent writers IMO.


Lulwut? That's not even a proper TES name, much less a proper Khajiit name... TES cultures have pretty well-rounded naming traditions, there was a Q&A thing in the Imperial Library that also covered Khajiiti names. I don't know where it was exactly, but I remember Jobasha was involved.


With such a backstory, I don't see how you can claim the fights won't be onesided. He's already the hero of heroes, there's not much development beyond that. Far more satisfying it would be to read about a common Legionnaire, stationed in, say, Solstheim, having something bizzare happen to him which'd force him into a role of a hero or whoever, that he wouldn't know how to act in. As a quick example, anyway, there's tons and tons of more interesting scenarios.

Have you ever considered the fact armor does not make for good travel clothes? And it's not exactly practical to carry around two sets of it, single-handedly, for no apparent reason.

No but, with the massive mis-spelling ..

I have only seen someone spell that bad when they have English as a second language.
And being 13 is no excuse for it.

I know people who learnt English within the past 1 - 3 years that spell better than this guy.

I have to agree with W00tz, good grammar is one of the various spices to be a good RPer. Remember, Spell Check is your friend!

Over all though, it doesn't sound that bad. Although, you could tone down on the Uber Weapons, Armor, and maybe the Background story. Also, use http://www.silgrad.com/oblivion/rangen/ if you need help with names. It's incredibly useful. Harley doesnt sound very Khajiit, Redguard maybe, but not Khajiit.



Don't matter, I'm 14, and frankly, I'm not the best writer either. But it won't stop me from improving. A little tip: Use Caps, as little as possible. I knew a guy on another forum who wrote stories, every other sentence was written in Caps and had a '!!!' after it.

I reccomend writing a few practice stories, and reading them aloud to a family member or a friend who you know to be a good writer. If they don't sound akward coming out of your mouth, pop them into the spell check and post them. Also, being thirteen is no excuse.

Finally, your character is SUPER UBER!111!!! People simply don't relate to super uber characters, and you should instead make your character an ordinary person, who through adversity becomes extraordinary. people eat it up.

You might want to ask a mod to merge your two threads if possible, it would make more sense.

I actually gave you some constructive criticism in my reply to your other thread, but I'll comment on the points you have raised here. Firstly, you're 13 and British. That's fine, and people could cut you some slack, seeing as it is your first go at writing. However, being 13 is no excuse for cutting corners. You should have done a lot of "creative writing" in school by now, would you write like this for a school project? Now, spelling is not everyone's strong point (I'm not that much good at it myself), but you can limit errors. For example, use Word to write up your story before posting it here. That means it'll do a spell check for you. Of if you prefer to write directly on the browser, FireFox has a plug-in spell checker that you can use.

Your capitalisation is a bit off. Ok, most may be typos, but seeing as this is a fanfic rather than a general section, people are going to comment on it more than they would in the other forums. Care and attention is the key. Proof read your chapter before posting.



Ok, that's fine, but I've never seen a cross over fanfic here (though I've only been in this sub-forum for a short while) which is why you may be taking a bit of a battering. Also, it may have helped if you had included an Authors Note (AN) at the beginning to try an explain a little bit about what you are writing. I see you have read the RP thread, so think of it as an Out-Of-Character (OOC) where you can tell your readers something. Just a few lines would have helped.



Well, I only voiced that it sounded like ubering. In the end it is your character, you can do what you like, but think of your target audience.

Right, onto your character sheet.



The name: Someone already pointed out it isn't very "Elderscrolls", and definitely not Khajiit, but I'm not as bothered by that, seeing as I named my fanfic character Jael, as it seemed 'right' to me, it just fit her. If you really think your character suits the name, keep it. If you aren't attached to it, maybe you could think about changing it.

Background story. Too vague. If you are going to write about it in subsequent chapters, that's fine, just a taster. However, if you are never going to write about it again, think about writing it into its own chapter, maybe as a prologue.

Skills etc we don't really need to know.

Appearance: Again short, but I expect you'll refer to this more in your fanfic anyway.

Armour/weapons: Someone else already commented on this. I agree with them regarding lugging around two sets of armour. Also, both armour and weapons are "strong", it's like your character popped out of the air with all brilliant gear and no explanation of how he got it. A back story would help.

However: Saying all that, I'm not really a fan of posting a character sheet for a fanfic, because all the details in it should come out in the story of your fanfic, through the descriptions of what is happening, and how they react etc. Making on for your own reference can be handy though.



Anyway, hope that helps. By the way, you might want to read some of the more established fan fics around here for a good idea of what makes one work. Eg. The King and I by Rumpleteaza.

My nicest possible commentary is that you should observe some veteran roleplayers for a while. Sit back and read through some of the longer lasting RPs. Observe, watch, and make mental notes.

Heya, Bart? I'm Illusionary. I'm an RPer here, but I'm also a writer. I don't believe age is an excuse for poor spelling, but then, I don't think some people can help that- particularly with names that aren't correctable in MS Word. In general, I'd find a spell-checker program like Word to make sure things are at least legible if you struggle with spelling in general.

Be careful with your punctuation and capitalisation. Take time and effort with what you write, to make it flow better, decide where to end/ separate sentences with commas and such. A piece of writing is a work of art: don't rush it.

As for watching Roleplayers- well. It could be helpful, but then it might very well not be. Most roleplayers can write pretty well, but we tend to (note, I do include myself in this) to make characters that are poor examples of balance and personality, or that are somehow generic. Instead, read books and translate what you learn there into the ES universe. You'll do better reading real writing than just a load of us forumers messing around. (Real writing includes other fanfics.)

But Roleplaying and Fan Fics are actually very different; don't bother making a character sheet for a fanfic, instead, write it into the story. Not just a huge block of description, but in places when it matters. But description matters a lot less than character: make personality the most important part of your story.

Don't be discouraged by what people say: we can be quite a harsh lot sometimes, but we mean well. If you are writing this because you enjoy it, then keep doing it. But if you want to post it in TES Fanfic, then make it for everyone; take time with it, don't just make it something everyone will complain about. Not fair to you or everyone else; it just creates a lot of bad feeling.

And finally, don't feel like you'll never get better: you will. Everyone does. But it takes practice, and most of all effort. The more effort you put in while you're learning, the more naturally writing will come to you.

If you ever need any assistance, feel free to PM myself or a fanfic writer around here that you might admire/enjoy the work of. People are a lot more willing to help than you might a first believe.

1. the name Harley is my chr name.
2. I figured ubering was along the lines of "MAH CHR IS DAH BEST HE I UNBEATABLE HE HASD DAH BEST ARMOR..." and so on and so on
3. who voted the bottom option on my second poll question? :flame:

Generally I believe the Champion of Cyrodiil could be considered uber, taking into account s/he is quite unbeatable (having beaten a God, saved the world from an otherworldly menace and having helped doing the same thing), has the best armor/weapons (what with all the 'phat lewt' being thrown at him/her) and so on and so on, and it doesn't even look like your character has aged sufficiently to have lost the physical strength and endurance, nor do you make any note of him having some serious weakness or character quirk, i.e. large alcoholism problems, mid-life crisis, a broken arm... If you're going to have a character sheet for your character, I'd suggest mentioning something that would denote that he was not 'uber', even if it was a lack of social skills from all that adventuring and cave-diving. But I'd say it's better to just introduce those things, without a character sheet, as you go, like esmerelde and Illusionary Nothing suggested.

And as a last note on this, carrying around two sets of armor is definately ubering. It suggests the character is so strong, he can carry around two sets of armor comfortably, and even more, travel in a huge pot.


Just my personal oppinion, but I'd disagree that only connection from the author with the name is required; while I see it as important, it would only make sense to also pay attention to the fact that the character doesn't give a name to himself/herself, his/her parents do (unless specified otherwise in the background), and I think that it'd do well to have at least something that resembles the Khajiiti names, considering they seem to have rather well-rounded naming system. When writting a story set in a specific world, wouldn't it make sense to stick to the basics of lore of that world? At very least, I'd say a Khajiit name should sound rather alien, unusual to our ear, not exactly a name like Harley, which makes me think of a bike and that fat guy from Lost.

1.Not very elder scrollzy for a cat humanoid.

2.It is! And its bad. People don't really relate all to well to uber character's, as they don't really have problems to overcome. Also, the COC, the incarnate, the eternal champion, Cyrus, the hero of daggerfall, and that guy from battlespire are all going to be naturally uber characters unless you make an effort to de-uberize and specifically write about them as a otherwise normal guy being thrusted into extraordianry circumstances.

Well, I don't watch Lost but I definitely agree about the bike, heh.

I do agree with you actually. Khajiit and Argonians (and to a lesser extend Orcs) have such...distinctive? styles of naming that Harley sticks out like a sore thumb. Maybe the other way to get around keeping the name would change the race, perhaps Imperial or Breton. However, OP, you are never going to get around to connotations of bikes and leather, and apparently Lost.

I wonder how many people reading my fanfic have half expected her to start killing people with tent pegs