Not that good, healthy, natural exhausted. The kind of exhausted that came from desperation of cause, mingled with gnawing fear, fear that is too great to cope with. The fear that, if faced fully, would simply shut down human mental faculties. So it gets pushed to the back of the mind. Where it can bite and gnaw for hours, draining the possesor of that terrible fear without utterly destroying him.
Well, The Brotherhood Of Steel wasn't the type to talk about their emotions, now were they?
So, Mack buried that fear, and that exhaustion, deep inside himself. It wouldn't serve him, not out here. One quickly-cobbled-together outpost 600 yards from the Washington monument. The monument. Where they had sandbags and metal walls, and more than two exhausted troops to watch eachother's backs. Yet another thought that would keep his fear and exhaustion company in the foggy recesses of his subconscious. Across from him in their tiny, pissant excuse for a sentry post, lay Knight Arthur Ferrig.
That might be the one thing that kept him alive, despite being within the range of those primitive slugthrowing rifles the muties use. Knight Ferrig. He was the kind of man that the Brotherhood didn't talk about, but the kind of man that the Brotherhood was built upon. He was the kind of man that shot weapons with an impassionate face. The kind of man who had lines in his face that indicated witnessing enough trauma for three men, but had the personality of a man whose only traumas were stubbing his toe on the way to pick up the paper. Well, that, or the personality of a brick. But it's pretty hard to make a good simile using a brick, so Initiate Mack decided to use the former, rather than the latter.
The truly great thing about being kept company by a man like Ferrig was that it gave the mind something to distract itself with. Himself. His eyes told sad stories with a tone that somehow remained monotone. His stance was that of a cowboy, but his tactics were that of a man who knew he was a mere mortal. He wore the armor of a man who fought wars, but held his rifle like a smith holds his hammer. Ferrig was no idiot, he knew he held an object that could take a life, but it was still merely a tool. A tool for a job. Before men in secure bunkers decided that men in secure bunkers on foreign soil were displeasing and unleashed a fury they did not even begin to comprehend, jobs were things that one had a choice in. A vocation swapped as easily as clothing. Now, jobs were simply fight, or hide in towns guarded by people who would.
Luckily, though, unlike so many who made it their business to fight monstrosities, Ferrig was not some comatose dreadnought, capable of functioning only when lethality was involved. He was a man who could speak, but simply did not do so frequently. He treated words like he treated gunshots. They had to be picked carefully, and only when necessary. Perhaps, though, in lieu of thinking about being stationed in a godforsaken shack in the middle of a warzone, he'd be willing to make smalltalk with Mack. Worth a shot, reasoned Ryan.
"Hey, Knight Ferrig."
"...
Arthur."
"Arthur?"
A simple, subtle nod from the senior soldier.
"Knight Arthur, or just Arthur, sir?"
"Just Arthur, son."
"Fair enough. Mind if I ask you a question?"
Knight Ferrig paused, then posed his response.
"You know when to stop talking?"
"When the muties are."
"Go ahead."
Genuine surprise flashed through Mack's head. This stonefaced old soldier knew that old Brotherhood joke? Terrible joke, but the fact that he knew it at all surprised the Initiate, much less that he used it in conversation. The most bizarre part was that even when telling that old soldier's joke his voice was the same. That same monotone that sounded like maybe once it had been strained with emotion that it simply couldn't keep producing for so many years. Well, if he was already using a joke, even in that voice of his, that was a green light to Ryan.
"We're an outfit dedicated to finding technology."
"Mm."
"Well, we've got power armor, and advanced weaponry."
"Mm."
"And we've got the training to stomp the hell out of any mutie that might prevent us from doing our job."
"The question?"
"Well, we're still basically scavengers."
"If you see it that way."
"No, listen to me, think about it. We're just trying to find the Pre-War goods that we might be able to use to rebuild society."
"You sure this is leading to a question, son?"
"Well, we're not manufacturing anything. We don't have any kind of factories."
"Mm."
"So, what happens when we scavenge all that we can?"
"We make factories."
"Out of what, our guns?"
"Take a look around, look at all the scrap metal and stone, son. Won't be too much of a concern finding our material. You don't worry about that, for right now, let's you and me focus on making it back to the Citadel with our holotags still around our necks. We've got a week and a half left here before they reassign us. I'll go where I need to, kid. Here's hoping you luck out and they put you on The Citadel's walls."
"Can't say I would mind them taking me out of the mutie sights."
"Don't worry. Lyons, he can't stand seeing kids out here. No one can, not really. But him, he's a father. Half the people out here are only doing minor shifts before the Elder'll pull 'em back. Send them somewhere cozy, give 'em a sniper rifle and tell them to observe any activity. You just worry about survivng."
He talked like he'd seen a hundred people like Ryan come and go. Probably had. Optimistically, half of them he probably saw go to a funeral pyre. But he sure could talk when he wanted to. Mack had to admit for the first couple days he'd secretly suspected that Ferrig either didn't like talking, or only knew a few words. Or maybe both. Maybe he even-
"Eyes up, Init. Muties incoming. Two at 10 o'clock, One at twelve."
Suddenly all that training that had been buried next to the fear, and the exhaustion sprang up, and quickly shoved everything else into the back of his head to replace it. He instinctively rose to a crouch, laser rifle now at the ready. Ferrig was now also crouched behind their makeshift cover, looking at Mack. He clenched his hand in a fist, extending his pointer and middle finger in the 10 o'clock direction, then reclenching the fist and bringing it down. Motioning with his fingers; One.. Two.. Three.
Both rose in unison, rifles levelled at 10 o'clock, opening up with a few shots of their rifles. One mutant down. The other two now alert began firing. As the initiate and knight were dropping back into cover, a sharp crack was heard as a round connected with Ferrig's helmet. A primal growl lurched from Ferrig.
"Stay down. Stay. Down." The knight growled. He tore off his helmet and tossed it aside, Ryan saw that it had taken a hit in the visor. Hunting rifle. Damn lucky that it only took a .32, something stronger would have torn through and done a lot worse.
"Fire in the hole!" Ryan barked, as he let loose a frag grenade. Arthur followed suit, and soon a roar of pain tore through the noise of the skirmish. Two down. The two were rising for another, hopefully final volley when, as they rose, shots were already ringing out. Instinctively they dropped back into cover. Another mutant had come to investigate the commotion.
Knight Ferrig reached for his discarded helmet, and tossed it into the air directly ahead and to the left of their position, silently hoping the mutants would subconsciously track it and be distracted for a moment, Ferrig rose and unloaded the last few shots of his laser rifle. Dropping down to reload, he managed to catch a glimpse of the targetted mutant's knees buckling and falling over.
One left. Ryan rose to attempt to fire while Ferrig reloaded to keep their firing hot. 5.56 rounds whizzed past him, one tagging his shoulder. He recoiled from the force, and in surprise and moderate pain fell prone. A horrible, guttural howling laughter rang out. Neither understood what had caused it, but Mack prayed that another mutant had not joined the fray. Their curiosity was answered in a second that took an eternity as a standard-issue US Army frag grenade landed with a tnk-tnk inside their outpost. Ryan looked at Ferrig, Ferrig looked back, and without a moment's hesitation threw himself over the grenade. It detonated thunderously. As it tore up the knight's torso, Mack couldn't function properly. What happened next was not Ryan Mack acting, but Ryan Mack watching a scene unfold. Wordlessly he rose, fired the last three shots of his microfusion cell, and kneeled down, looking down as the man who'd saved his life lay bleeding.
It wasn't anything out of an old action movie holo-reel, there was no heartfelt plea to tell his loved ones a message. Knight Ferrig coughed and sputtered as he lay bleeding out the last moments of his life in the arms of a man who'd he'd said less than 200 words to. Mack did not cry. Not then and there, at least. Nor did he wrecklessly charge into the heart of mutie territory guns blazing. He leaned over and took the holotags off Knight Ferrig- Arthur's neck. He moved the body out of the inside of the outpost, and quietly manned his post for the next week and a half, when a fellow brother stationed at the monument informed him he was being recalled to the Citadel. He did not tell other initiates of what he had experienced, nor did he tell Elder Lyons of the heroic deeds of one of his soldiers. He depositted the holotags with Scribe Jameson, then walked to his cot.
And he buried his sadness, his rage, his exhilaration, his tragedy, his epiphany, his triumph and his story next to his fear, and his exhaustion.