[censored] the stranger shouted bullets whizzing past his head as he ran through the dark alley "[censored] im all outta bullets" he kept running until he ran straight into a brick wall "argh damn that hurt."

"Hey micky"

Micky jumped he spun around too see three men in black and white pinstripe suits "you bastards i havent done anything you lying [censored]s i thought we were in on this together Aldo."

"Sorry Micky but its best if the family dont know about what ive done its best if we just blame it all on you what the boss doesnt know wont hurt him right? hahaha go on boys finish the bastard ".

The other two suited men lifted their tommy guns and let it rip micky fell blood everywhere he had so many bullet holes he lie on the ground the men pick up the brief case micky was carrying and walk away he slowly closed his eyes.

so guys do you like it should i continue

Only if you plan on editing this to be easier to read.... Seperate lines for each speaker, paragraphs for the bulk of the text... you know, the same stuff they taught you in school.

yeah i am i just didnt have much time last night

You don't really have a whole lot so far, so yeah, by all means continue.

Just take a bit more time going over your writing before posting and try to post bigger chunks.

I usually write a small bit like you have, a few paragraphs, and then hold on to that until I can write a few more paragraphs.

You have a pretty cool opening though. I'd like to find out why Micky was betrayed, it's kind of similar to the New Vegas opening although I assume Micky is actually dead.


Ahhh..


P.S. Don't write **** with the first letter of the swear word it is supposed to be replacing in front (example: f*** or s***) as that can be considered censor bypassing and can get you in trouble. Just use **** or write it out so the censor will get it. We should be able to tell what the word would have been just through the context of where you have placed it.


P.P.S. Keep writing! It's always great to see a new poster, you'll only get better with time.

P.P.P.S. Look up goristhescholar's Of Your Shadow for an example of some great writing. You can find his Enclave story here then find one of his posts, he has a link to Of Your Shadows in his signature.

ok thanks for the advice