Life of Loss

Post » Wed Dec 07, 2011 11:29 am

This is my attempt at a several chapter long fan-fiction story. Updates will be on an as-I-complete-it basis. I am a student, so I won't have all that much time to work on this.
The point of English in high school is to improve your writing and I believe that by combining lore I am interested in (Fallout) and criticism from a community is one of the best ways to do so. I guess you could call this an extracurricular English. I have spaced carefully as I saw fit, if you would like to see it spaced more, please say so and I will listen.
Enjoy.


CHAPTER 1

The revolver carried three out of its maximum of six shots. Jacob knew he didn't have long, nor did he have much of a chance. Deep in this mine, there were thousands of ghouls. Before the war, the amount of jobs was falling rapidly, and many turned to harsh, underpaid labour. And here they were, zombified and naked in all their glory.

"How long do think she'll take?"

Grant, Jacob's closest friend and ally, stood beside him weilding a Thompson automatic rifle. Judging by the look on his face, Jacob could tell that he too, was low on ammunition. The woman that Grant was referring to was Sheila, Grant's soon-to-be wife, who was going to settle with him after this final expidition. As of right now, Sheila was headed for the machine bay, where all the diggers and mining mechanisms were kept. Her goal was to retrieve a large digger that was to break through a pile of rubble which was blocking the exit. On their way in, there was a tremor which caused a portion of the cieling to collapse. Roy, a settler they had paid to lead them to the mine, had been killed by the avalanche of stone.

They hadn't thought that they'd run out of ammunition so quickly.
Mrrooaaah!
Grant's head perked up.
"D'you hear that?" Jacob nodded in agreement.
"I think it came from the south exit." The two of them were standing in a small engine room, which had three exits. One on the east, one on the north, and one on the south. The west entrance had been sealed quite properly years back by the settlers from the neighbouring town. The room was well defended, luckily. The doors were of a mechanical form, like those seen in military bunkers, which meant they were protected, but the ghouls could still get to them if they hit hard enough.

Jacob turned to the south exit and opened it, and he was met by a large crowd of ghouls, all of which charged towards him screaming as they took notice of his presence.
[censored].
He quickly backed into their saferoom and spammed the door control before turning to Grant.

"We've got trouble, lots of it. Get to the radio and contact Sheila, she has to be close." Grant worked his way over to the chair and table with the ham radio sitting on it. Their hand radios had been used as weapons and were unuseable.

"Sheila, where are you? Are you almost at the machine room?" Static emitted from the radio. There was no response.

"Sheila, goddamnit, answer me!" Grant was now bent over the table, no longer in his chair, clutching the radio and its microphone.

"Please, Sheila..." He sat down again, his head in his hands. Jacob got up and walked toward Grant, putting his left hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, she's probably still alive, just...out of reach. C'mon, help me barricade the door." The two men grabbed the planks that were leaned against the wall beside the entrance and used a combination of chairs and planks and tables to block the way.

'We need to start heading back." Jacob said.

"No...we're going back for Sheila. I'd rather die fighting for her than to live my life without her." Grant said. His tone was serious, and as his friend, Jacob had no choice to comply.

"Alright. Do you still have the flashlight from earlier?" Grant nodded and produced the device. "Okay, let's see..." Jacob pulled out his floor map of the mine, which only had the first two levels. "We need to travel through the halls until we reach the branch, take a left, and continue through the mess hall and take the elevator, if it still works."

Grant looked worriedly at him. "Are you sure it'll work?" Jacob ran his fingers through his hair and exhaled.

"It might." As they spoke, the scratching of the door commenced. The screams of the ghouls was also present.

Grant wiped sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. "It better."
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lacy lake
 
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Post » Wed Dec 07, 2011 10:30 am

Good beginning, I did see some type-o's but I will leave the "red penning" to the punctuation Nazi's (they will be here momentarily).
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WYatt REed
 
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