Introduction

*inhales*..Life...*exhales* wasnt easy to say the least, growing up on a farm i guess i learned how to take care of responsibilities earlier then others my age I was taught how to chop wood, direct all the animals, occasionally catch an animal trying to escape every now and then, wash down Milli and Vanilli, you know the usual, no complaints on my end. It didnt start off like that though, I was born in the city lived there for the first few years of my life with moms and grandma. too young to remember but we stayed until grandma got tired of the "city life", guess she wanted to escape and get away to a more peaceful less worrisome place, why she chose this, i never thought bout it, i always did what i was told and stayed in my place. As i got older i started to do my own thing, leave for hours hell even days upon end without coming home, go to the city, have a couple drinks at the inn but i made sure i never came back home drunk, ha, first things first always be on your toes around grandma, lil worries here and there never hurt nobody right? right.

Life was chill until one night i'm getting drunk at the inn "Heads Up" a well built auburn haired man round my age came busting in through the door knocking down everybody in sight trying to get away from something, or, someone. Out of everybody in the inn he grabbed onto me begging for help, for me to take him and hide him so i acted without much thought, wrapped his arm around my shoulder, (now mind you back then i was just a measly 145 pounds and he had to be atleast 200), and proceeded to run towards one of the back rooms-. I watched for the door as i spoke to him "I need you to tell me whats your name and what the hell is goin on?" "My name?" "My name is..." He started coughing out his name "Johnny" He frantically stated for me to make sure the door was locked, i did what he said. "I dont know if i can trust you enough to tell you whats happening." "Trust telling me! If i brought you back here that should be trust enough." "You trusted me enough to tell me your name." He eyeballed me up and down "Yea, but i didnt get yours." "Va.." *BANG*

A loud kick connected with the door, i hurried up and flipped the light switch. "Town guard open up!" I remained silent and heard another kick, as soon as i opened the guard stumbled in, he caught himself. "There have been reports of an assassin on the loose, have you seen this man?" He stepped back into the light and presented a well detailed sketch. Sure enough it was Johhny, i shook my head. "Dont lie to me, im goin to ask you again have you seen this man?" I shook my head slower this time, he grabbed me by my shirt. "I know your lying, stop lying to me!" His co officer grabbed him. "Barry the man says he aint seen nothing then he aint seen em." He held on a bit longer then let go. "Ive got my eyes on you." They left, i slammed the door shut & flicked the lights. "Johnny"..."Johnny!" He came from out the closet "Trust me now?" "Maybe you can take me to a safer place, then, we'll see.

I'm sure your story is nice, but it's got no paragraph separation, so it's impossible to read. Can you please separate the paragraphs so it's more readable? I do want to read it, but it's a big block of text right now.

Light switch? I don't think so.

sooo the town hall is gonna be lit by candles?

Infact yes...

pics

Dude, they'd be lit by WINDOWS and TORCHES.

Such loverly people here on the bethesda forums arent there.

Try not to get TOO upset about a candle mate, theres worse things....

I think its a good start to a story It's written like a monolouge (I cant spell ) for the stage, I think, or a film script

Yeah, don't worry about the whole light switch thing. While it's not historically accurate, it's your story, so write it the way you feel comfortable writing it. And tho' it was hard to read without paragraph separation, I think you have a good start to a good story.

As a rule, I don't give the effort to read something if the writer can't give the effort to use at least the most basic of grammar skills. Capitalize your "I"'s dammit!!

Is this story finished or?

Well, of course we all want it to be as grammatically accurate as possible, and it will get more readers that way, but there's no reason to be unkind to the author. What good does it do for you to put someone down and even possibly hurt their feelings? There are nice ways to correct someone's writing, without getting all bent out of shape about it!

:rolleyes:

Once again the over-sensitiveness of people on these forums astounds me. I never meant it to be mean. I suppose since people here can't stand to hear even one thing bad about them, I should have put multiple "jks" and ":P" but I figured most people here were mature enough to handle a post without one. Apparently not though.

@OP: I said it mostly as a joke that was supposed to come off as being serious but only at first. I thought the "dammit" would have tipped everyone off but people here are so whiny that I suppose it didn't. There was no jab at you, and I'm sure you are a fine writer, but personally, I dislike reading stories with "I"'s not capitalized among other things

Edit: save your vigilante act for when you're in your cape, Syl.

Well, it's not my story, so I didn't take it personally...

And it really wasn't you I was talking about specifically--I have seen a large amount of very disappointing posts from people throughout these forums today, and i think some people tend to be hyper-critical of others when they don't need to be. I'm not trying to upset anyone--I'm just saying, the tone of some people's posts is rather unkind, and while I'm not that sensitive, I know that some people are. It's not about maturity--some people are just more sensitive than others.

When you get beat down verbally your whole life, a small seemingly innocent comment can do a lot of damage to someone's psyche...

I'm not trying to jump down your throat (or anyone's) about it--I'm just trying to let people know that we should try to remain friendly and objective. I'm sorry that I missed the joking part in your post, but it's only funny if the person you directed it at takes it the right way. I don't know if they will or not, and I'm just trying to keep the peace. That's all. I meant to encourage the author, in case they take some of the criticism too harshly.

Peace. B)

It's okay. As the others have said, it needs to be far better grammatically, paragraphs, capitalization of I's and commas & fullstops. As for the light switch thing, TES is set in a medieval time, before electricity and chances are, there wouldn't be any lights in Skyrim. Just a helpful hint.

my feelings arent hurt and "I" accept all feedback and no Lith the story isnt finished im making it up as "I" go along

Chapter1

Now if grandma knew the circumstances surrounding what I had currently gotten into, and that I was bringing Johnny back to our peaceful home on the range, boy would she have raised all types of hell, claiming that all I was doing was going to the city to see those fast lil broads & cause trouble, but, she didn't, and I wasn't. I took Johnny to our outhouse in the back that was rarely used. "This is the best I can do for you Johnny, there goes your bed and a desk if your the writing type." He nodded. "Now whats this assassin stuff that the guards were talking about?" He sat on the bed, back pressed against the wall. "Well.. A couple months back I murdered a man in my old town called Riften, he was the Counts' nephew or son, something I dont really remember." "So you are an assassin?" Johnny shook his head. "No, he was endangering my life, he would follow me around, write down where I went, what I ate, descriptions of the people I associated with." "Why didn't you handle it on the spot when you saw him doing it?" "I never knew he was doing all this until after I killed him." I tried to piece what he was telling me together. "So lemme get this straight, the counts son did all of this, why?" "I guess he viewed me as a political threat, seeing as how I used to engage in those types of affairs." "So where does this assassin nonsense add up." Johnny layed his hand on my shoulder. "Your guess is as good as mine kid." I began to question him. "You've been on the run this whole time?" I observed as Johnnny fickled with his fingers. "Occasional inn here & there, paying gold to sleep at somebodies house got me by just fine." "How did those guards find you." "They had been trailing me for the past month now, guess they finally caught up."

I looked out the window to see what the commotion was. "I'll be right back, one of the animals is trying to break loose." I ran out the house only to see that a bit further down the road there was a caravan that the animals where going towards. "What the.." I ran down towards the caravan. "Hey damnit!" "Quit trying to steal my animals!" The man turned around and faced my direction. "Country boy I suggest you get back on that farm if you know whats good for you!" He shouted my way. I proceeded to speed up from a light run to a ground stomping one. "No, I suggest you give my back my damn Cattle!" I stopped infront of him and proceeded to throw a couple straights but he dodged them and backed up. "Now look what you done started." A menacing smile came over his face. "Oden get him!" I quickly turnt my head but didn't see anyone. "Enough of this kid shyt!" I ran a coupled steps forward and *BAM* landed flat on my back. "Aa..aah.." A huge brute was towering over me reaching out to grab me, I quickly rolled out the way and got back up to my feet. I hooked him two times in his side before I noticed his armor. "Aah!" A feeling came over my wrist as i shouted out in pain. "Hehe." He let out a slow laugh before he swung on me and connected, I almost dropped but didn't. He charged me and bear hugged the life outta me, all I could do was gasp. "Throw him in the back boy!" The brute lifted open this small spot in the rear of the caravan, threw me in and slammed it shut, total darkness.

I could feel us moving along the rocky road. "What have I gotten into?" I thought to myself, there was no room to try to bang my way out so I stayed stuck in a fetus position. "Let me out!" "Aye!" "I know you hear me!" I yelled to no avail for about five minutes straight. I heard the horses scream wildly, something startled them. We picked up speed at a bumpier pace. "What now?" I thought. *BOOM* The caravan flipped, and rolled for what seemed like a horrible eternity. I didn't get knocked out yet I was still stuck. "Capture him now boy!" I could hear being yelled at Dum-Dum. Pure silence followed. "Get me outta here!" A couple more minuted passed, then, all of a sudden my fetal room space was being opened. I crawled out and tried to get up but instantly collapsed to my knees. "Here, lemme help you." The voice was familiar but I couldn't quite make out whose it was. They put their hand out and I reached for it. "Get on my back." I looked up and to my surprise it was Johnny. "Johnny!" I pulled myself onto his back and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Ha.. your lighter then I thought you'd be." He walked to the front of the caravan, reached inside, grabbed a piece of paper and put it in his pocket, I looked to the side and saw that both of the horses front legs had been cut off, which is what caused the flip.

We proceeded back on the long trek to grandmas' farm. Once we made it to the outhouse I unlatched from his back and layed out on the bed. "Ha looks like your going to be needing that more then me." "Might be needing more then that too, turn over and lemme see your back." I was bleeding from the accident or the knockdown Dum-Dum gave me. Johnny pulled a long piece of cloth outta his backpocket and wrapped it around me to try and stop the bleeding. "Medic now eh?" "Ahh I know a little something from traveling around, gotta be able to take care of yourself." I sat up right. "How did you know I was kidnapped." "I watched you out the window and figured when you weren't coming back something wasn't right." "How did you catch up to us?" Johnny chuckled. "I have my ways." "Good looking on saving me, who knows what would've happened." I went to stretch but the pain made me remember. "I think I sprained my wrist." I rotated it and pain ensued. "Yup, I think I did." "Well look kid, you just chill, get some rest and we'll find a solution." I layed back and watched as Johnny pulled a bag of peanuts out his pocket, he offered me some, I ate my share and proceeded to dose off.

This was much better written! It held my attention far better than the last entry.
Although there is one thing that you should fix, just to make it easier to read. You need to separate the dialogue as different people talk. E.g.

What Ni said, but you caouls also space it out even more. So, whenever someone else speaks, you have spacing in between, like so:

This is the best I can do for you Johnny, there goes your bed and a desk if your the writing type."

He nodded.

"Now whats this assassin stuff that the guards were talking about?"

He sat on the bed, back pressed against the wall. "Well.. A couple months back I murdered a man in my old town called Riften, he was the Counts' nephew or son, something I dont really remember."

"So you are an assassin?"

It makes it even easier to read and...prettier.

Actually, yes. We'll probably torches and big windows... They don't have electricity. Unless when you flip the switch a magical orb of light flies to the center of the room...

step ya grammar up kid step yo sentence game up make sure u got all yo shyt in dere befo u try to criticize da next person wait matter fact how bout u make a story and let us see how well u pull yo shyt off

:huh: Whatchu' talkin' 'bout, Willis?