There once was an Orc so ugly they had to tie Rat Meat around his next to get the Nix Hound to play with him.

Q. Why don't Orcs use soap?

A. Because then you could smell them.

Why did the dwarf fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.
Why did the second dwarf fall out of the tree? He was tied to the first.
Why did the third dwarf fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.
Why did the fourth dwarf fall out of the tree? He was hit by a horse.
Why did the fifth dwarf fall out of the tree? He was hit by the rider.
Why did the Clannfear standing underneath die? Ha, trick question! You can't kill a Daedroth!

Q. What did Anu say to Padomay?

A. "Are you done changing, yet?"

Q. Why do Dunmer live on Vvardenfell?

A. Well they need something to complain about.

A Khajiit, a Redguard, and an Altmer are sitting in a prison on Summerset Isle. Out of boredom, they began to discuss their circumstances.

The Altmer asks the Khajiit what his crime was.

"I snuck into the house of a wizard and tried to make off with his potions and scrolls" the Khajiit answered. "I needed to pay off my skooma dealer".

"And your sentence?" The Redguard asked.

"They will brand me with magicka-driven flames and exile me to Elsweyr. What are you in for?" the Khajiit answered, saddened by what the High Elves intended to do to his beautiful fur.

"I was overheard telling the tale of how I defeated an Altmer gladiator in the Arena in the Imperial City." the Redguard answered.

"What'll they do to you?" The Altmer asked.

"Just deport me. And you?" the Redguard answered.

"I'm condemned to death." the Altmer said quietly.

"By S'rendarr, what did you do?" the Khajiit exclaimed.

"I said that all races are equal before the gods." the Altmer said.

:lol: I laughed at that one!

Should be changed to:
A patron inside the bar remarks, "Another idiot from Cyrodiil bites the dust. Do none of them know Levitation?"

Crassius Curio said, "Drop your clothes, Pudding, if you want a promotion."

The Nerevarine replied, "Darn, six offenders in a video game! Wow!"

Crassius Curio questioned, "Whats a video game."

The Nerevarine told him, "A game that people in an alternate universe play..."

Crassius sighed, "Wow, my life is over..."

Nerevarine nods.

Crassius grins, "ROAR I WILL GET YOU PUDDING! I AM PROGRAMMED TOO!"

9 months later...

Crassius Nerevarine Jr. was born!

That really is very awkward. I hope you aren't considering comedian as your life profession.

Young Bosmer to his mother: "Mommy, I hate my sister's guts!"
Bosmer mother: "Shut up and keep eating!"

Why don't Orc bathe?
If they did their parents wouldn't recognize them.

The Dark Elf walks into a bar.
"Why so blue?" the bartender asks.

:rofl: Kind of lame but still funny!

On top of that, fourth wall breaking != lore friendly.

No Nord jokes yet? Ok, how about some naked Nord jokes!


Q. What did one naked Nord say to the other?

A. Do you feel a draft?


Q. How does a naked Nord climb a tree?

A. He pole-vaults it.


Q. How does a naked Nord tell the weather?

A. By the direction his nipbles are pointing.


Q. How does a naked Nord enter combat?

A. He brandishes his spear.


Q. How many naked Nords does it take to light a fire?

A. Two; so they have two sticks to rub together.

Looks like Vivec has something in common with naked nords

Oh, I just thought of one! It's not very good, though:

Hey diddle diddle
Khajiit did a piddle
The Sload jumped over the moons
The bosmer laughed when he saw Sheogorath
And Almalexia sang like a loon

"M'aiq thinks the reason nymphs dissapeared is because parents of young adventurers threatened Bethesda Softworks who programmed them, life is just a game you know, either that or M'iaq spent far too much time in the Shivering Isles."

Here's a good one.

Haha yes, but M'aiq is a special exception. He can get away with saying things that modders would get trounced on for.

Q. What's the difference between a Telvanni and a mudcrab?

A. A Telvanni is crabbier.

And only M'Aiq can get away with saying things that don't make an ounce of sense, and/or aren't funny at all.

Q. How many Imperials does it take to light a fire?

A. At least three: one to requisition the correct paperwork; one to sign as a witness on the forms; and one to stand guard and make sure no-one's lighting any illegal fires in the meantime.

You're killing me. Killing me.

I'm on a roll! Here's another limerick:

There once was a Bosmer named Rhyse,
Who's member went down past his knees.
When he got hard,
He rose up a yard
And could finally reach up to the trees.

Ewww

Haha, yeah. That one was dirty.

Q. How do you tell the difference between a male Dwemer and a female Dwemer?

A. Look under their beards.


Q. How do you tell the difference between a male Orc and a female Orc?

A. Kick them in the balls.


Q. How do you tell the difference between a male Nord and a female Nord?

A. That's not hard, since they like to run around naked all the time.

Ha. Those where pretty lame, but good.

Im trying to think of one involving Bretons...

Heh, lame can be good.

Q. How do you tell the difference between a male Altmer and a female Altmer?

A. Look up their skirts while they're levitating.


Q. How do you tell the difference between a male Argonian and a female Argonian?

A. You can't.


Q. How many Orcs does it take to light a fire?

A. First you have to introduce them to fire.

Q. How do you tell the gender of a Khajiit?

A. Just give them some Skooma, and wait until they do cartwheels.

Q. How do you tell the gender of an orc?

A. Whats the difference?



Q. Why does Uriel get so many hair changes?

A. He has connections to the devs.



Q. Why are you still reading these?

A. Geekism is the RL equivalent of Vampirism, you have had Geeky Phorphllyc for 3 days and slept. Welcome to being a geek.

Q. Why are young Breton males so high in demand in the Imperial army?

A. Someone has to be on the bottom.

*****

A handsome Dunmer man once died in his prime. A Dunmer necromancer named Niphera heard the news and decided to pay a visit to his tomb. She had lusted over this man for many years, but knew he could never love her in life. It was now finally her chance to have him. With her trusty slave in tow, she crept up to his body and began to saw away at his member.

"Mistress!" her slave exclaimed, "why ruin such perfectly good flesh?!"

"FOOL!" Niphera yelled as she struck the slave across the face, "What purpose would it serve me to re-animate the whole body?!"

*****

A man from Cyrodil was visiting High Rock and decided to stop at the inn in a local village. He sat down beside a very sombre looking Breton and asked, "what seems to be the trouble old man?"

"Buy me a drink young man," the Breton said, "and I'll tell you my story."

So the young man bought the old Breton a drink, and he then poured out his woes:

"I trecked through uncharted wilderness and many dangers to find the place to build this fine town, but do they call me 'Malcom the explorer'? No."

"And I built the beginnings and majority of this town. Eight out of ten homes were built by my hands,' he indicated towards the town, 'but do they call me 'Malcom the builder? No."

"And I farmed five thousand acres of land with no aid from anybody, with cattle, sheep, and a great deal of produce, but do they call me 'Malcom the farmer'? No."

"But you help one lousy goat over a fence..."