The Mundane Old Man

by Folswryn the Cryptic

There once was a warrior went through the Great Forest. This warrior had fought many a battle and was quite fatigued, his weapon near breaking point. He traveled East, reached the road, and followed it Southward. Off an unimpressive bend in the road lay a dull little cottage. The warrior approached the dull little cottage with its plain wooden door, mediocre wooden frame, and banol thatched roof. The warrior rapped upon the door with the hilt of his blade, producing a very ordinary sound. Answering the sound was a mundane old man with flat, grey hair and a pedestrian stare that seemed to look into some unseen void of mediocrity.

The warrior spoke, "Greetings, sir, might I stay the night so that I may rest my weary bones?"

The bland old man spoke, not so fast that he seemed eager, but not so slow that it seemed dramatic, "Yes."

And so the warrior was let to enter the dull little cottage. He proceeded up the trite stairs, through the vapid hall, and into the lifeless guest room, and laid upon the drab bed. He rolled onto his left side and fell asleep.

There happened the next day to be another warrior traveling through the Great Forest. This warrior had gone days without food or water. He traveled East, reached the road, and followed it Southward. Off an unimpressive bend in the road lay a dull little cottage. The warrior approached the dull little cottage with its plain wooden door, mediocre wooden frame, and banol thatched roof. The warrior rapped upon the door with the hilt of his blade, producing a very ordinary sound. Answering the sound was a mundane old man with flat, grey hair and a pedestrian stare that seemed to look into some unseen void of mediocrity.

The warrior spoke, "Hail, sire, might you have a bite which to eat and a bed which to rest?"

The bland old man spoke, not so fast that he seemed eager, but not so slow that it seemed dramatic, "Yes."

And so the warrior was made a meal of bland rat meat and uninteresting potatoes. Thereafter, he proceeded up the trite stairs, through the vapid hall, and into the lifeless guest room, and laid upon the drab bed. He rolled onto his left side and fell asleep.

On the third day a warrior traveled had lost his companions to raiders. This warrior was quite downtrodden and wandered in desparation. He traveled East, reached the road, and followed it Southward. Off an unimpressive bend in the road lay a dull little cottage. The warrior approached the dull little cottage with its plain wooden door, mediocre wooden frame, and banol thatched roof. The warrior rapped upon the door with the hilt of his blade, producing a very ordinary sound. Answering the sound was a mundane old man with flat, grey hair and a pedestrian stare that seemed to look into some unseen void of mediocrity.

The warrior spoke, "Sir, maybe I stay the night so that I might pray to the Nine and seek their council?"

The bland old man spoke, not so fast that he seemed eager, but not so slow that it seemed dramatic, "Yes."

And so the warrior made his was into the dull little cottage. he proceeded up the trite stairs, through the vapid hall, and into the lifeless guest room, and knelt upon the plain floor. He prayed to the Nine. Afterwards he clambered into the drab bed. He rolled onto his right side and fell asleep.

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What one should take out of this tale is that two out of three individuals are right-handed.

Lol, that one took me a moment. I'm going to have to make a series for comical stories now.

Now THAT is Dark Brotherhood right there! :foodndrink:

Oh... I still don't get it, would somebody please enlighten me?

Two of the three adventurers slept on their left side, indicating they were right handed. The last adventurer slept on his right side, indicating he was left handed. All the other parts of the story were set up to completely throw you off from this fact, by making you think about the ordinary old man.

:lmao:
Ok, you're previous ones were either every bit as disgusting as Crassius himself or obviously "revamped" to fit the background, but this one actually rocks and seems like made for TES:)

Hehe thanks! It's actually a revamped joke about the marines, or the french foreign legion, or...hehe take your pick. It's an old joke.

...so Redguards aren't funny, I take it?

....


heheh :shifty:

The Britony war joke is about Redgaurds. Other than that...well I'm stumped. I just can't think of a good joke about Redguards. Maybe they're just too damned awesome.

You can't joke about the Ra'Gada. They'd kill you!

WHy did the Redguard continent sink?

Someone farted!

Ha ha ha ha.... why arnt you laughing?

redguards got their name from all of THEIR blood on their hands... redguards dont like to **** with me, hahah...


not really a joke, but.....

The male breaton brought the female breaton back to his home, took off his clothes, and said, "I'd like you to meet my little friend."
She took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said, "Call me when it grows up."

Heeheehee, good one!

Q: Why did a Redguard cross the street?

A: 'Cause the chicken was picking a fight!



ok, that wasn't naughty in any way...how about this:


Q: Why do Redguards have almost red skin?

A: They fight so many wars, that their swords are sharp, but other stuff gets rusty...

Q: Why do Redguards have a hard time breeding?

A: They are learnt to pierce the heart with their swords, they just figure it's the best way with other stuff too.



Q: Why do Argonians breed so well?

A: They're so slick and slimy, they slide into eachother even when they just trip.



Q: How do Nords stay warm in harsh Skyrim winter?

A: They all have subscription of Crassius' books.

not all reptiles are slimy, and, besides, how would you know? :shifty:

:P

well the point of the joke was for it to be racist and imply that Argonians are slimy;P


another one:

An Argonian female has 50% chance of getting pregnant in an intercourse.

Why?

Because it depends on where went each of her partner's tails.

So, a Khajiit, a Dunmer, an Imperial and a Bosmer were all on a ship.

The Khajiit takes out some Skooma, drinks a little, then tosses the rest overboard. "We have enough back home."

The Dunmer takes out a bundle of Hackle-lo, tastes a leaf, then tosses the rest overboard. "We have enough back home."

The Imperial looks around, sees the Bosmer, and tosses him overboard.

an old one, but hits the bullseye;P

i wouldnt mind being on that boat, heheh

Hehe, sometimes the oldies revamped are the best ones. :hehe:

Alright! Time to show the fruits of our labors! Here's the books in game. I made unique covers for all of them. http://img43.imageshack.us/img43/8294/jokebooks.jpg The not so naughty jokes I put in another book that isn't one of Crassius' publications, so it has a distinctly different look to it. I'll be releasing all of these soon in the next installment of my book mod.

If you still have a joke, go ahead and share it though. I can always add more to the books.

I have a modified one that I posted in the Morrowind forums some years ago, but it's long gone now, so here it is.

There were in Vivec City two neighbors, a Khajiit and an Argonian that never got along and were constantly arguing. Gradually their arguments started to become more and more heated and often resulted to violence. One day Vivec looked down from his palace, and saw those two fighting and decided he should put a stop to it. He descented down between them, as they were almost near to killing each other, and attempted to make them stop. He threatened them and he pleaded with them but nothing seemed to make them forget their hatred for each other, but he didn't want to resort to violence. Finally he got an idea and he said: "I will grand each of you three wishes, you may wish for anything you want, but you have to stop fighting once and for all". The two looked at each other briefly and agreed.

First spoke the Argonian with a glint in his eyes: "I wish for all Argonians, except me, in Vivec City to become female"
"Done" said Vivec, and he turned to the Khajiit "Your first wish?"
The Khajiit thought about it for a while and eventually said: "Khajiit wishes for a ring of Constant Fortify Speed 100 pts on Self"
Hearing that the Argonian laughed "Ha ha that idiotic Khajiit giving away a wish for something so menial"
But Vivec simply said "Done" and, as the Khajiit was calmly putting on his new ring, he turned to the Argonian to hear his second wish.
With the glint in his eyes growing, the Argonian said "For my second wish I want all Argonians, except me, in Morrowind to become female!"
"Done" said Vivec.
Without hesitation the Khajiit said: "For Khajiit's second wish, Khajiit wants a ring of Constant Levitation on Self"
Hearing that the Argonian fell on the floor and started laughing manically at the stupid Khajiit who kept wasting such a great opportunity.
When he calmed down and with obvious excitement he said to Vivec: "For my last wish I want all Argonians, except me, in the entire world to become female"
"Done" said Vivec and turned to the Khajiit "And your final wish?".
The Khajiit, having put on both his new rings, he was now flying away in a great speed.
From the distance, he looked back and shouted with a clear loud voice:
"Khajiit wishes you make that dumb Argonian a homosixual"