I'm putting together an update for my book mod and I'm looking for Elder Scrolls related jokes, riddles and poems. I'm primarily looking for "naughty" jokes and poems because the author is Crassius Curio, but not too naughty. I've posted this in the MW modding forum, but I thought I'd ask here too. I've come up with a few already, but I was hoping others might have some to share.

Here's some of Ol' Uncle Crassius' limericks:

There once was an Argonian named Skeet
Who thought he could take any heat.
But one day a dark lady,
Who was really quite shady
Proved far too hot for his meat.

There once was a Bosmer named Ender,
Who decided to go on a bender.
He walked into a tavern,
And felt up a slattern
Who proved to be of the wrong gender.

There once was an old man from Khull,
Who had gonads the size of a bull.
And each night he'd wager
Though he's an old ager,
He'd not stop 'till the ladies were full.

And some jokes:

Q. How many wood elves does it take to light a fire?

A. That depends on how long you want them to burn for.


Q. What's the difference between an Argonian and a Sload?

A. You can't make soap out of an Argonian.


If anyone would like to contribute, I'll give due credit in my mod of course.

Q. Why do you use Bosmer?

A. Dunmer aren't flammable.

So, this mudcrab walks into a club and.....

Stop me if ya heard this one before.

:rofl: I love that.

VV This just gets better and better. Thanks Aphotic! :hehe:

Q. So why not use Dwemer?

A. We already ran out.

Q: Why was the Bosmer watching a foot race?

A: He was looking for a quick snack.

Q: How are Bosmer like mosquitoes?

A: They're everywhere.

Q: What do you call an Argonian Assassin?

A: Cold-blooded.

i had other ones but they were all crap like these 2 :toughninja:

So a Vampire and a Werewolf walk into an inn. The innkeeper says, "Is this some kind of joke?".

Love them all so far, but I have to add to this one!

Q. How are Bosmer like mosquitoes?

A. They're everywhere, they make a high-pitched whining sound, and you just want to slap them.

Q. What's blue, black, and red all over?

A. Anhaedra after I'm through with him.

Two Khajiits and an Argonian were walking down a beach. The Argonian tripped over a bottle and out pops Sheogorath!

"You have found me in a particularly good mood this day; And so I will grant you each one wish!" proclaimed Sheogorath.

The first Khajiit thought for one moment, and then said, "Oh great Skooma Cat! I wish for a mountain of moonsugar!"

"Granted!" said Sheogorath, and the Khajiit had as much moonsugar as he could ever eat.

The second Khajiit looked at the first Khajiit's mountain of moonsugar and exclaimed, "Oh great Skooma Cat, please bless me with a giant lake filled with skooma!"

"Granted!" said Sheogorath, and the second Khajiit had as much skooma as he could drink.

"And what do you wish for?" Sheogorath asked the Argonian.

"I wish the skooma lake and moonsugar mountain were both poisoned."

A silly play from Daggerfall: http://www.imperial-library.info/dfbooks/b074_complete_foolsebony.shtml

Q- Why do Bosmer always laugh when they run?

A- Because their balls are tickled by the grass.

Q: How do you stop a wood elf from crawling around on the floor?

A: Nail it's other hand to the floor.

Q: How many wood elves does it take to paint a wall?

A: It Depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: How do you get 100 wood elves into a bucket?

A: With a blender.

Q: How do you get them back out again?

A: With tortilla chips.

Q: What looks really good on a wood elf?

A: A warhammer.

note: these arent mine (wish they were, but they arent :ninja: )
just google wood elf jokes :foodndrink:

:D That made me laugh!

I can't get the images out of my head now...

I laughed out loud at this one.

Also, I changed the genie in the joke above to Sheogorath to make it more lore friendly.

There once was a Nord named Haggar Gordun,
Who's exploits were brave and very well sung.
He bedded many maids,
But just couldn't get laid,
For it turns out he wasn't too well hung.

Also, here's some http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Lore:Jokes.

A. Why did the Imperial Guard cross the road?

Q. To arrest a man for walking across the other side.

Anyone know any good Altmer jokes?

These are baby jokes, lol. But they aren't necessarily suited to the premise of the mod because neither blenders or tortilla chips are found in Nirn.

EDIT: How do Altmer roll?

A. They don't, they're always on top.

Hehe

Q. Why are Altmer so good at levitation.

A. Because they're stuck up.

fixed.

An imperial stared at a cow...

The cow mooed...

Day turned to night, and hte imperial took the cow to the stables...

5 months later...

The 1st minotaur was born!

being Racist against a powerful empire is a bad idea.

That's almost like how it really happened! Except the genders were switched for it was Morihaus getting his bull freak on with Alessia.

The empire which cannot laugh at itself is in a sorry state indeed.

Here's a classical joke originally about Caesar that I've modified (note, this joke was actually written down during the time of Augustus Caesar):


One day Tiber Septim was walking down a crowded avenue when he chanced upon a man who looked strikingly similar to himself.

Tiber approached the man and asked, "You look very familiar. Are you related? Did your mother perchance work as a maid in the palace?"

To which the peasant replied, "No, but my father worked there as the gardener."

A Bosmer walks into a bar. A Dunmer says to him: "Dude, this place is crazy! You can jump off the roof and float in the air!"

The Bosmer responded, "Cool!" And so the two made their way to the roof.

Upon their arrival, the Dunmer jumped off and began to float in the air.

"Woah!" The Bosmer cries, and jumps off. He falls to the ground and dies.

A patron inside the bar remarks, "That Dunmer is a jerk. Him and his levitation spells..."

Here's some more adapted from Roman classics:


A Hlaalu woman was set to marry a rich noble, but was hesitant about the arrangement:

"Why do you not want to marry him?" her father asked, "he comes from a good family, and is incredibly rich."

"He is old." She replied, "I would be more willing if he were older."


A Dunmer walks into the slave market and asks the slaver,

"I'm looking for two 15 year old slaves. Do you have any?"

"Even better!" the slaver replies, "I have one that's 30. She's two-for-one!"


One day, a Dunmer decided to complain to his local slaver,

"I bought an Argonian slave here last week, and he died the very next day!"

"Nonsense!" said the slaver, "I've had that slave in my pens for weeks and he never died once!"


An Altmer once decided to go for a swim and nearly drowned. He jumped out of the water and proclaimed, "I'll have to learn how to swim before I go in the water again!"


I need some good Breton and Nord jokes now...oh and Orc jokes! How could I forget the Orcs?!


Q. How do you hide money from an Orc?

A. Put it under the soap.

That was lame...lets try again.


Q. How do you address an Orc?

A. With an axe embedded in your skull.


Another modified joke:


During the war of Betony, a Sentinel outpost ran afoul of a mercenary company of Orcs. As the Sentinels lay in wait behind their fortifications, a solitary orc makes its way to the wall and yells, "Come out here, ya yella bellied girlie boys, and I'll give ya what for!"

The Sentinel commander orders, "I want 20 men to deal with that little pathetic orc!" and sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the orc. Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the orc appears again. "Ya Redguard panty wastes!", he yells. "Come on the rest of ya!!"

The Sentinel commander is somewhat annoyed. He sends 100 men this time to finish the job.
Ten minutes later, the orc appears once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a bit torn. "Ya human SCUM!", he yells. "I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, ya Redguard pansies!!"

The commander loses patience, and orders 500 men to take out the orc. They pour out of the fortress en masse and ride across the field of battle. Ten minutes later, the orc is back. His clothing is all torn and his face is covered in blood. "Is that the best ye can do??? You fight like wood elves!!! Come on!!", he yells.

The commander is non-plussed. "Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands. His second in command musters the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. "Commander!!" he yells. "It's a trap!!!
There's TWO of them!!!