Of Love and Blood

Prologue

Under the clear night sky, the shadows danced and swirled in the alley, finally morphing into a silhouette. It was a fragile-looking Breton woman struggling to hold up an atypically bulky Nord. Her chest throbbed and a cry escaped her lips, as she laid him on the ground gently. Grabbing a rough piece of wood from her side, she shakily brought it above his chest needing gripping it with two hands. She peered down at him while her body convulsed, each spasm a silent sob. His chest rose with effort and his shallow breathing was nearly silent. As the Breton's body shook wildy, she forced the wooden stake into his chest. An audible wail ripped itself from her throat, tears streamed down her face, and the Nord emitted a final deep growl. She twisted the stake with a crack, and uttered to him in a solemn whisper, "I'm sorry."

Leaving the still warm body with a wooden stake propped in it, she picked herself up and ran. The Breton burst out of the alleyway, tears flowing down her cheeks. She sprinted through the streets of Cheydinhal, getting odd glances from guards. Finally as her path neared the destination, the Chapel of Arkay, she slowed and hesitated. Gasping for breath, she tucked herself into the dark side of the Great Chapel. Hidden in the shadows of the architecture, her eyes poured tears down her dark skin. Finally realizing she had nowhere else to go, the Breton stopped crying, wiped the tears off her face on her moss green robe top. The woman brushed her brown wavy hair to side and headed towards the wooden entrance to the chapel.

Despite efforts at gingerly opening the door, it creaked nonetheless as the young Breton slipped inside. Thankful to be met by an empty chapel, she let the door shut with another creak and advanced towards the pews. The young woman entered an aisle and sat down on the uncomfortable wooden bench. Her head hung down, a soft sigh escaped her lips, and fresh tears began to form in her eyes.

"Back again Lielle?" the Chapel primate questioned in a mocking tone.

As soon as she heard the voice, her head snapped up and she peered familiarly at the woman. She rubbed the tears from her eyes as discreetly as possible. The primate, Gruiand Garrana, eyed Lielle up and down disapprovingly.

"Still haven't gotten rid of that tattered robe and leather chaps, I see? Tsk, tsk," she scolded in an overly playful manner.

Lielle however knew she was not just playing fun, but kept silent.

"You really ought to take care of yourself. You're such a mess. It looks like you just killed somebody." She said again in the same teasing manner.

The woman snapped, "Would you shut your little trap, you haughty [censored]!"

Guirand was taken aback and yelled in response, "How dare you! Get out of here! Get out I said!"

Lielle gathered herself and rushed towards the door, pushing the priestess out of her way. Opening both heavy wooden doors wide on her way out, the almost fragile looking woman slammed them with astounding impudence. The boom resounded through the stones of the chapel as Lielle briskly walked away. Despite thoughts running wild in her mind, she was set on going to the petite island located on the south side of town. The fair skinned woman broke into a sprint, ignoring everything around her. Lielle blew past guards, through bushes, even running into the shallow water at times. She blindly maneuvered herself down the rivers edge to the small island. Once again the tears started to flow; this time as fast as the river she was running alongside. As Lielle finally reached the island she collapsed in the long grass and sobbed. She cried until her eyes were red and sore. She cried until her nose was dripping with mucus. She cried until she fell into a more fitful sleep than she had ever experienced.

---

Any comments, criticism, and stuff is welcome.

It feels a little rushed, even for a prologue. You repeated the word sob quite a few times.
All I'm getting is a girl killing a guy, crying, running, stopping, arguing, running and crying again, and then... Nothing. You definitely hooked me with the mysterious murder, but it's important to remember; DETAIL, DETAIL, DETAIL.

Also, the name doesn't seem to original, Of Love and Blood - Of Blood and Quill. But it's nothing too concerning.

Edit:

I stand corrected.

Actually, aback is a word, generally meaning to be surprised by something.

ex. He was taken aback by her mean words.

An interesting prologue. I like the fact that it is set in my familiar province of Cyrodiil. I like emotional young women protagonists and it certainly sounds like you have one here. :nod:

I'm guessing she killed a vampire in the beginning, yet there is much beneath the surface to bring forth the response it did.

I look forward to seeing where this is going.

*

During your edits, I recommend you strive to wordsmith away from overuse of the word 'she'. It is easy to start every sentence the same way as you have done here if you are not careful:

'She gingerly opened the door but it creaked nonetheless. She slipped through the door and was met with an empty chapel. She was thankful for the deserted church. She let the door shut with another creak and advanced towards the pews.'

Just some simple tweaking results in something a touch better: 'Despite gingerly opening the door, it creaked nonetheless as the young Breton slipped inside. Thankful to be met by an empty chapel, she let the door shut with another creak and advanced towards the pews.'

Now that you have introduced the name Lielle, that gives you more flexibility. Just be careful not to overuse that as well.

I am intrigued. Lielle obviously didn't murder the Nord. I think a vampire beat her to it I'll keep further suspicions about the opening scene to myself.
As Acadian pointed out, it could do with some refinement.

Thanks for the reply. I'll work on length and details in the next chapter.


Thanks. That is really helpful.

Like the others, I am very intrigued with your story so far. My guess is that the vampire that our Lielle has just killed is someone close to her? Husband? Boyfriend? You pointed out that Lielle is a Breton and the man a Nord, so I am ruling out family relations, unless perhaps a step-brother?

In any case, you really embroil us deeply into Lielle's emotions right from the bat, which I like. You are showing us that this is a real, breathing person with feelings. Not some cardboard-cutout hero.

One sentence that stood out for me was this:

She cried until her nose was dripping with mucus.

That was very observant, because what many people do not know is that when people cry for real, they also expel mucus from their nostrils. You can always spot crocodile tears because the person is not blowing snot.

I do not think that the wooden stake is really needed to kill Oblivion vampires though, I never needed them in the game. Unless that is a point you wish to deviate from in your writing (which I have no problem with). On the other hand because you did show her use a stake to kill the Nord, I am sure all the readers will jump to the conclusion that he was a vampire, just because that is a lore we are all familiar with. I suspect that might be exactly what you are looking for?


Some grammar nits:

It was a fragile looking Breton woman struggling to hold up an atypical bulky Nord.

there ought to be a hypen between fragile and looking. Plus, did you mean to say an atypically bulky Nord? As was even more bulky than your average Nord? Or a typically bulky Nord?

like this:

It was a fragile-looking Breton woman struggling to hold up an atypically bulky Nord.



"Still haven't gotten rid of that tattered robe and leather chaps, I see? Tsk, tsk" She scolded, in an overly playful manner.

you missed the punctuation mark at the end of the dialogue, which in this case ought to be a comma, and should not have the 'she' capitalized, and finally the last comma is not needed. Like so:

"Still haven't gotten rid of that tattered robe and leather chaps, I see? Tsk, tsk," she scolded in an overly playful manner.

http://mrbraiman.home.att.net/page25.html is a good page on the usage of punctuation in dialogue.


You ran into the forum's swearing filter here:

The Breton snapped, "Would you shut your little trap, you haughty [censored]!"

You need to watch what you print, in case that happens. I am not exactly sure what words are filtered, but one can make some good guesses. I feel your pain here, because I have a scene coming up in my own fan fic with a screaming argument, and trying to find words that will not get censored was not easy. But watering down the words is still better than the censored tag, as seeing it completely breaks the reader's suspension of disbelief.


Finally in this sentence of dialogue, the repeated 'get out' seems like something a child would say in a tantrum. You might want to remove all the repeats.

"How dare you! Get out of here! Get out, get out, get out!"


All in all I am liking your story so far, and I will definitely be reading more! :twirl:

I am usually not the arguing kinda guy but I disagree with SubRosa about the repeated "get out". I think it adds to the hysterical way anyone would react with (falsely?) being called a wh... err... working girl.

Excellent page, SubRosa. I've been looking for something like that for a while. Now I can finally see what I'm doing wrong.

Female dog actually.

I'm coming along quite well with chapter 1 and am trying to incorporate your comments into it. I also am going to put up an edited prologue with chapter 1.

Working girl... female dog... same thing no?

Chapter 1:

One Week Earlier

*

Lielle's hair whipped through the air as her Nordic companion plucked her off her feet and swung her around him. The young woman's mouth broke into a smile, flashing her teeth for a moment. He stopped and pulled her close to his chest. Lielle giggled and playfully fought to break his grasp. The young Breton resorted to tickling the muscular man. A burst of hearty laughter followed and his grip loosened. Lielle maneuvered herself behind him and wrapped her arms around his neck. The Nord picked her up easily, naturally and she hung from his neck. Intertwining her legs around his waist, the couple shambled towards a couch across the room. A dark purple rug muffled his normally loud and clunky footsteps. As he reached the burgundy couch, he twisted his torso and Lielle slipped fluidly from his back onto the couch. The large Nord sat down next to Lielle, his shoulders even with her head even after sinking into the couch. The man suddenly became solemn and quiet.

"What's wrong?" Lielle asked, her smile slowing fading, "Vermund?" She questioned worriedly.

Lielle examined Vermund. He was pale, moreso than the average Nord, and his eyes were an irritated pink nearly all of the time. Vermund's dirty blonde closely shaved hair made him appear neat and formal. Muscularly built, at least a head taller than Lielle, he fit into the stereotypical brawny Nords category. However he was more than just a drunkard or laborer. Vermund was field scholar, a job that requires intelligence and the ability to tough it out in a dungeon. Vermund was proud of his vocation, and wouldn't stand people poking fun of it. Lielle loved the pride that he carried. She loved him.

Putting her hand on his black, woolen shirt clad back, Lielle asked again, her unease growing "What's wrong baby?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it. It's nothing," Vermund casually replied, blatantly lying.

Lielle nodded, knowing there was more to his sudden mood change than he would explain. An odd quiet had overcome the room and neither of them spoke. Vermund was uninterested in continuing the conversation and sat silently. Lielle began to trace intricate circles on his arm, causing him to look towards her. While turning his head, he couldn't help but notice the starry night sky. Suddenly stiffening when the realization hit him, Vermund stood up and started towards the door.

"I've got to meet the scholars at the Bridge Inn tonight. Back around midnight maybe," the Nord spoke sheepishly, "I meant to tell you, sweety. I really did."

"Fine. But next time lemme know," Lielle responded slightly annoyed, yet intrigued by this unusual unprecedented behavior.

"I'll probably be in bed by-" Lielle continued, but was cut off as Vermund bent down next to her and kissed her lips lovingly. Returning the kiss, Lielle began to blush. After a few seconds he pulled away and started towards the door, looking back and smiling sweetly.

"See ya later lovey," Vermund called out to the still blushing woman.

Lielle mumbled a response, overwhelmed and longing for more. The wooden door shut gently and the handle clicked back into place. Lielle's shadow wavered as the candle flames flickered. She was sitting with a smile on her face, thinking about the few minutes before. Also thinking that it was quite suspicious that he had been having mood swings all day combined with this late night pub visit, Lielle decided to follow Vermund. A bit uncertain on whether it was the right thing to do, she stayed back for a moment.

"Though he could just be going to the inn like he said," she blurted out, thinking aloud.

Shaking off the uneasiness, Lielle slipped on her soft leather boots and headed out the door. The streets were dark and calm. Shadows filled every nook and cranny they could find. There were lamps periodically which offered some light, but the cobblestone streets were mostly illuminated by the candles within the homes. The young Breton walked quickly, staying in the shadows. As she came closer to the Cheydinhal Bridge Inn, the less muffled the voices inside became. Nearly strutting into the inn, she caught herself and positioned herself out of view of the doorway. Lielle lurked in the shadows until footsteps echoed on the stones, the squeak of the door opening, and the noise of the tavern within. She made her move and caught the door with her foot, waited a moment for the people inside to look at the newcomer, and then quietly made her way into the bar.

The din of the tavern immediately entered her ears. The place was full that night, unusually so for a weeknight. Ignoring it Lielle searched for her fiance's voice. She could not hear it. Lielle scanned the room for his figure. She could not find it. Taking a second look over to be sure, Lielle's face became red with anger and worry. Turning on her heels, she jostled her way back towards the door. As she took her leave of the bar, the noise from the building slowly faded into nothingness. Fuming at the fact that the love of her life lied to her, thoughts ran through her head guessing where he was. The first was with another woman, but then Lielle's worry took over and that he could have been mugged became just as real of a possibility.

A cut off scream interrupted the angry woman's thoughts. It was no playful scream, but a fearful one instead. Looking up from the ground, Lielle searched for the origin of the noise. Something moved in the corner of her eye. Whipping her head around, she saw nothing but blackness. This made the realization that she was in pitch darkness hit her. Her heart pounding in her chest, she began to run back towards the inn. A figure materialized from the shadows and caught her in it's arms. At first fighting back against it's hold, Lielle began to recognize the familiar body and calmed herself down.

"Vermund!" she exclaimed happily, but soon her voice became angry, "Why would you scare me like that? And where were-"

Lielle's interrogation was cut short as Vermund leaned in. She had promised herself not to let him get off with just a kiss and no punishment, however Lielle couldn't resist it. Puckering her lips slightly, the woman awaited the touch of Vermunds lips. Instead Vermund forcefully shoved her jaw upwards and brushed back her long hair revealing her neck. He bared his teeth, revealing sharp teeth punctuated with two long fangs, and emitted a low guttural growl. Opening his mouth wide, he sunk his glistening teeth into her neck. Blood spurted from her throat, soaking her right shoulder. Vermund lapped up the red, viscous liquid, probing the wound again and again with his fangs. Lielle was frozen, staring into her lover's eyes as he drank her blood.

Lielle stared at Vermund's now yellow eyes. They spastically darted back and forth as he took his fill of the dark red substance, slowing down as he satisfied himself. As Vermund began to finish up, he licked the site clean leaving two swollen puncture wounds in her neck. Vermund finally met Lielle's gaze and returned with a quizzical look. He then proceeded to drop her on the ground. Lielle laid on the ground convulsing and silently weeping. After giving her the same look for several minutes, Vermund walked away. He didn't even look back.

---

Added the edited prologue as well.

Ah? So now we know a lot more about what happened. I'm hoping for some more of the why regarding Vermund the vampire. Will we know if he was simply a bad guy, or full of torment he was unable to resist?. Given your last sentence, I'm guessing the former.

I wondered where this chapter took place. I should have remembered, but I went back and determined Cheydinhal (prologue) and the Bridge Inn was the Cheydinhal Bridge Inn (UESP). You might consider subtly refreshing details that carry from previous chapters - sort of a casualty of delays between posts and many stories on the forum. Just a small thought. In this case something as simple as the full name of the inn would have done it for me.

I look forward to reading more of what happens to Lielle - that means you have created a character that makes me want to continue reading.

A couple minor edit type things to consider:

'Lielle examined the Vermund.' {probably left over from a previous edit that said the Nord}

'After a few seconds he pulled away and started towards the door, looking back and smiling sweet.' {you need the adverb 'sweetly' here}

'Lielle was frozen, staring into her lovers eyes as he drank her blood.' {lover's}

Putting her hand on his black, woolen shirt clad back,
Ahhh, interesting. So now we do see that yes indeed, Vermund was a vampire. Not only that, but Lielle was his victim! Nicely done. I enjoyed the way you described Vermund's behaviour as a vampire. He did not seem to even know who Lielle was. It was as if he were a different person altogether. Which I am sure is exactly what you were going for.



A few grammer nits to look at:

Opening his mouth wide, his teeth glistening, Vermund sunk his teeth into her neck

You used the word "teeth" twice in the same sentence. You might want to just say:

Opening his mouth wide, he sunk his glistening teeth into her neck


You missed a few commas in the following lines:

Blood spurted from her throat, soaking her right shoulder.

Vermund lapped up the red, viscous liquid


Take a look at the end of this sentence, I think you left something behind from a previous edit

They spastically darted back and forth as he took his fill of the dark red substance, slowing down as he slowed.

All in the next chapter.


Was the first sentence supposed to be in the grammar nitpicks or no?
And yeah that was what I was aiming for.

And geez, I need to get better at this editing business.

Hah! I made a grammar error in my grammar nitpick!

I did mean to mention that line. It seemed a bit... clunky. There is so much description in it, I was thinking it might read smoother if you left out the woolen shirt part, or maybe re-worded it to spread out the descriptives some. Hmm, let me give it a go:

Putting her hand on his back, her fingers slid across the thick wool of his black shirt. "What's wrong baby?" Lielle asked again, her unease growing.

Do not feel bad about making some grammar errors. We all do! All Acadian and Treydog ever do is point out grammar nits to me when they post in my writing (well, sometimes they say some nice things too.. ) Regular authors have an editor to fix up all their mistakes before they go to press. We do not have that luxury here, so we are all each others editors.

Now you're talking! Great write!