A short paragraph of story idea I just thought of now.


United States of America, Eastern Commonwealth, Pennsylvania, The Pitt, Haven
Marie stood out on the balcony of her father's "estate" overlooking Uptown. The slaves or workers as her father called them were busy working repairing barricades and constantly they were goaded on by the raiders.
Marie hated how the slaves were treated but most of all she hated the Pitt, although she loved her parents she couldn't stand to live in the Pitt any longer.

"Beautiful isn't it"

Marie turned around to see her father, he was clad in his power armour that he always wore when awake.

"How can you stand for this father, these slaves don't deserve this" said Marie.

Her father walked up to stand next to Marie on the balcony.

"I didn't just become the ruler of this city to be nice with workers, if I treat them kindly what do think that would do" said her father.

Marie looked at her father's eyes, there was anger as well as sadness and love locked inside them.

"They just don't deserve it father what your doing is wrong" said Marie tears flowing down her cheeks.

Marie ran off towards her room.

"Run away to your room but no matter what you say or do I'm not changing" yelled her father.

Just as Marie ran away someone came out of the shadows.

"Ishmael your to hard on the girl" said Ishmael's wife Sandra.

Ishmael Ashur turned around to face his wife.

"She just doesn't understand I'm doing this for her" said Ishmael.




That's it hope you like comments are welcome.

Were you inspired by Queen of the Pitt? That was also has Marie as the main character, maybe you would like to check it out.

At any rate, this is a pretty short opening, and pretty good.

But.

You need detail. I've said it before on your other fanfic and I am saying it again, detail ya need it. Right now you just have mostly dialogue, which is fine if your writing a script, but you shouldn't have more dialogue than detail when your writing a story. It doesn't make sense, we need to get an image in our heads, and how can we do that if you don't even show us an inkling on what the scene looks like. Most of us have imagination so you don't have to be super descriptive, but you need to give us direction.

These my thoughts at any rate.

Good Luck.

Thanks Yttrium for the advise, yeah I'll defiantly add to it not right now but I will. And no I haven't read Queen of the Pitt, might have to get a link. But thanks for the advise.

Okay I've edited the paragraph a bit.

The Pitt. What is the Pitt? Some say a slaver town others a raider haunt but Ishmael Ashur says its town of survivors. Although its riddled with mutation and worse Ashur has tried his hardest to fix it. Would he even use his own daughter as a cure?

United States of America, Eastern Commonwealth, Pennsylvania, The Pitt, Haven

Marie buried herself in the blankets of her bed. She was sad and miserable, what her father did was beyond her.
I have to leave there's nothing here for me any more thought Marie.
She waited for her parents to go to sleep when she fled, the only things she took were a bunch of holodisks her father gave her a few months ago.
Before she left Marie left a note in her father's office then she left, Marie managed to slip past the raider guards she made her way to Downtown where the slaves were housed, she kept to the shadows and made her way to the gate. She pulled out a key that she took from her father's office. The gate silently opened and Marie left Downtown.

Marie had arrived to the Train Tunnel, the train station looked ominous hanged up on the cliff side and some of the railings were the mutilated bodies of slaves and trespassers. Marie walked towards the train tunnel, she turned around to look at the Pitt. The sky was covered in Smog and the great bridge of the Pitt was visible. Marie started to cry although the Pitt was a place of horror it was Marie's home.
No I need to leave, I'll be worse off if I stay thought Marie.

Great story. You give your characters...character and personality, and not a bland colour of gray (grey?). The second chapter was better with the description added. I look forward to the next installment, and keep up the good work!;)

Thanks Schmuty.

United States of America, Eastern Commonwealth, Pennsylvania, The Pitt, Haven

Ishmael woke up that morning bright and early his guards saluted as he walked past them towards his office. He sat down and he discovered a letter on the desk. He opened it and read it. The note read:

Dear Father,
I love you very much, but what your doing to this slaves is cruel. I've decided to leave the Pitt, I'll probably never see you again.
Your loving daughter Marie.

Ishmael was in shock he couldn't believe it, he quickly got out of his chair and ran to Marie's room. The door to his daughter's room was open, he went in there was know one inside.

"Krenshaw" yelled Ishmael.

One of the guards came running towards Ishmael.

"Yes lord Ashur" said Krenshaw.

Ishmael looked at Krenshaw.

"Its my daughter she's missing" said Ishmael.

Ooo, the daughter runs away :toughninja:

Yep, she makes a new life for herself in the Capital Wasteland.

When you going to add to it?

I see a lot of potential in this, you just need to flesh out your story a little more.

Probably today some time.

United States of America, Columbia Commonwealth, Virginia, The Capital Wasteland, Train Tunnel

Marie stumbled out of the Train Tunnel, she had to cover her eyes from the blinding light. She didn't know it but she had come to the Capital Wasteland. It was barren and dry but unlike the Pitt the sky wasn't full of smog. Marie made her way downhill when she came across a barrel with a fire inside, she went over to it and allowed the heat of the fire to warm her up.

"Your welcome to stay here for the night"

Marie suddenly turned around to see a man standing there.

"Don't be afraid I'm John" said the man pointing to himself.

"And this is Betsy" he said pointing at a brahmin.

"My name is Marie its nice to meet you" said Marie.

Suddenly something nudged her from behind, Marie turned around to see a large bear-like creature looking at her.

"What is that thing" screamed Marie.

John started to laugh.

"That's Winnie his my pet Yao Guai" said John still laughing.

Marie reached out and put her hand on the Yao Guai's head, it grunted in satisfaction.

(Author's Note: The famous bear Winnie the Pooh was in real life a black bear and as a Yao Guai is a mutated black bear you can put two and two together)

Haha, Winnie the Pooh

Keep going on with the fan-fic!

Great Fan Fiction....


United States of America, Columbia Commonwealth, Virginia, The Capital Wasteland, Train Tunnel

You don't need all that. You can just say "Capital Wasteland, Train Tunnel" and so forth.

I know but I like the longer version

This will be a bit short really short.

United States of America, Columbia Commonwealth, Virginia, The Capital Wasteland

Marie laughed as Winnie rolled over onto his back.

"He wants you to rub his belly I used to it to him when he was a cub" said John.

Winne started to grunt as Marie rubbed his belly, he quickly got up and licked Marie in the face.

"Wow, I think he likes me" said Marie.

Winne seemed to agree and licked her again.