I re-read Chapter 1. :read: It now reflects the polish you have developed through your many stories and tireless effort to improve. Ch 1 is a beautiful introduction and quickly displays the skill the reader is about to enjoy if they read further.

Yes, there is not much dialogue in this chapter and that is just fine (You display your ability to use dialogue beautifully later in your stories). You cover much ground in the intro chapter and it is necessary to do so; You are trying to effectively and fairly quickly endear your character to the reader so they will be intrigued enough to continue reading. While there are advantages of moving a story along by dialogue, it is not a short way of doing so. Showing is a bit faster and you do a fair amount of that. Telling is the fastest way to move things along. Telling can be less interesting, but when there is a good deal of ground to cover, it has an important role to keep things moving. Pacing decisions, how much ground you must cover and sometimes just the nature of the scene you are trying to create should influence the choices you make about balancing dialogue, showing and telling.

Given what you are trying to accomplish in your first chapter, I fully endorse the decisions you have made. Well done! Very well indeed.

Treydog, after being totally mesmerized by "Blood on the Moon" I am in awe of your abilities as a writer, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read Maxical's story. I am very open to any critique that will improve my story and make it more enjoyable to the reader. Thank you so very much, and I hope I got the re-write on chapter 1 in before you read it, lol. Thank you.




In the chapter 1 re-write, is there any places you saw that I could have "shown" something better but told instead? I better go re-read it, but you see a lot I don't, so if you know of any particular places that I lost a chance to show, would you mind pointing them out to me? (when you get time) - is there a pleading emoticon?

I see you have done a bit more editing to ch 1 since my last post. Light refinements it appears. I would actually move on mALX. It is quite good. First, it is almost 2500 words. That is a long chapter, but frankly I think it is nice that you present an entire intro in one chapter. You use break *** devices well, and that helps break up the length. It is as short as it can be without risking too much of a bullet approach. However? you certainly don't want to lengthen it. Here is what you have done and why I like it the way it is-

You started with a 'tell' style to control the verbosity. Yet you have spiced it up just enough with some interesting description to make it pleasing to read. The following two quotes are examples of this:

What could have been, 'He brought us some supplies.' Is instead:

What could have been, 'I was outside playing.' Is instead:


Once you leave the cabin, things become more active. Here you begin 'showing' more, which is good. For example:


Now you could go crazy exploding the large amount of material, but then it would not accomplish your purpose and have to become several chapters. The below paragraph could, in theory become almost a small stand alone story:

Doing so might be fun to read, all spruced up with active dialogue and vivid descriptions, but it would take 800 words and not advance your introduction very much for the price. Therefore, such a scene in this context is best kept fairly short, by telling.


So? after going through it again, I would urge you to bow and take credit for a very fine chapter. You have struck a nice and effective balance of controlling the length of your big intro, while still providing enough endearing, 'non-vanilla' touches to make it a pleasure to read.

If you want to have fun and practice exploring rich dialogue and descriptions, choose a story that has a very limited scope. Your big intro chapter has so much to present that a disciplined control is required. And again, you have done that well. :foodndrink:

So it is ok? better? still needs some refinement? Don't touch it again or you may scream? - Lol, well I am not going to do the Forester as a side story for one reason. I haven't developed a character for him, and I may have enough trouble keeping up with the characters I have already expanded. I brought Abhuki in this last edit, she is no longer just "the Innkeeper" and Tar-Meena now has an active personality. I totally re-re-wrote chapter 2 again based on your critiques from that page and Bobg's on the last two chapters. You will be shocked at how much dialogue I got into it!

Acadian, as usual you are too Awesome for words, thank you more than I can say for your help and critiques - I couldn't have done these re-writes without your help!

mALX, I am torn between cluttering your thread, and commenting on your new Ch 2. Obviously I have decided to clutter your thread. My reason is that I realize not everyone will go back and read your older chapters after the extensive revisions you have made. My intent then, is twofold: To provide feedback for you, and give readers a taste of what they miss if they do not review your older chapters.

Chapter 2 revised. Wonderful use of dialogue. You craft it in such a way as to exploit what dialogue can do for you: Clarify who is speaking, develop the character of both speaker and listener, advance your story and enthrall your reader.

"Blah, blah, blah," he said. - - That is dialogue that misses so many oportunities. You have missed no oportunities in the delightful excerpt below. To me, this is top quality and brilliantly done:

@ Acadian - I am so glad you read the re-write on that, that was in your honor for pushing me about dialogue and "SHOW" - you have not only been a constant supporter but more help than I could ever express enough thanks for.

@ Bobg - Bobg's last two critiques set me on fire to re-edit the old chapters, but this time I re-read the critiques below each and tried to incorporate all the tips. Before I knew it I was (again) re-writing the chapters, lol. (working on chapter 4 right now)

@ D.Foxy helped me tons with the fight scenes, weapon usage, (If anyone has read the re-write on chapter 5B they will recognize his influence) and is helping me on an upcoming scene I won't go into detail about. (did that sound a little Todd Howardish?)

@ Arcry and Iain Mc - you both ROCK! It means a lot to me that you have been with the story from the beginning and keep reading and encouraging me!

@ Leydenne, treydog, slitherine, Drewbster, Sojourner, RemkoNL, Arcry and Iain Mc, AyumiFan, redsrock, all - I know the talent I am surrounded with here and it means so much to me that you all have taken the time to help me improve my story, or even just given me a shout of encouragement.

I can never say how much I appreciate the help you all have given me. I love my own story much more now. Thank you!

Chapter 18: The Dream


Although I never slept in the Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary, I did go there daily for my training. I don't know if it was by Vicente's design or choice, but he became my trainer in the art of being an assassin, and as I progressed he was to begin training me for contracts.

The only way I could learn from Vicente would have to be through osmosis because when the man was by my side my senses were so heightened that I would scarce take in a thing he said. At least that is how it felt to me, yet Vicente said I was progressing well. Progressing well at what I am not sure.

I tried very hard to keep the memory of that horrible disease I caught in Crowhaven foremost in my mind whenever I was stepping in to that dark sanctuary, but could have beaten myself with that memory and it still would do me no good.

I would feel Vicente's movements in the sanctuary even when he was out of sight. My back could be turned and I could feel him approach by the pounding in my veins. It was as if my very blood called to him, baiting him, taunting him; or maybe he was calling to mine, I don't know which. He no longer needed to be near for my pulse to surge, he could cause it by a glance across the room; and yet I kept coming back to the sanctuary for training. Does his magic control my mind as well? I cannot say. I began to doubt my own good sense where he was concerned.

Vicente would begin talking to me in his soft voice, and I would be held spellbound as he trained me in the ways of an assassin. It seemed like every time we trained together I allowed him nearer me. He had a charm about him that bypassed the pale wrinkles and amber eyes that told of his vampirism. My soul warred between being repulsed and being drawn in to him daily, and daily it lost the battle. I was finding myself getting very close to Vicente, close enough that he read my thoughts more often than I wished him to.

One day in the sanctuary Vicente had come up from behind and stood beside me. I had felt his approach, and as my body came alive with his nearness he softly said, "One day I will tell you about a very special gift I have for you, little sister."

"A gift?" I heard my voice answering.

"Not today, one day."

Vicente knew I was offended by the 'family' talk, of calling each other 'brother' and 'sister' that everyone used in that sanctuary, and yet from him I tolerated it. I don't think I even flashed my eyes at him when he did it anymore, yet would if any of the others dared. Vicente must have noticed this and enjoyed that privilege and the intimacy it implied; his use of the terms increased as our days together progressed.

***



I woke to find the light of day already glimmering through the legs of the horses. I had overslept, a rare thing. I stretched and yawned several times to bring life to my limbs which seemed to be still clinging to sleep. I pulled myself up and stood, trying to shake off the feeling of drowsiness.

"Bedding down in the stables is getting old, I need to find a real bed." I thought as I hurried to the sanctuary.

I must really have been progressing well, because Vicente began talking to me immediately about the contracts when I finally arrived, still yawning.

"With some contracts I give you, I will give you a special test. If you perform well in the test I will give you a nice bonus." Vicente said, ignoring my late arrival.

"Test? What kind of test?" Thoughts of my days at the Arcane came unbidden to my mind. I hurriedly pushed them back.

"Certain?parameters. If you are able to perform your contract and meet these other guidelines as well?" Vicente's voice trailed off without finishing the thought.

"What kind of parameters?" I was struggling with a feeling of homesickness that followed the vision of my school days.

"We'll talk about it another time, your mind is otherwise engaged right now. Come, come to your brother." Vicente folded me into his arms and held me, I thought he must sense the sadness that had come over me.

For a second standing in his arms I thought I might cry, and for that brief second Vicente's power could not touch me. I had full control and suddenly I wondered, "What am I doing here? Am I really hugging a vampire? Why am I here still?" I pulled back and looked up at Vicente and for a split second the man I saw standing there was Vicente as the man he had once been, before he became a vampire. I had never seen a man as handsome in my lifetime.

"Vicente?" I whispered, and the man was gone, Vicente was standing before me as a vampire again.

"Maybe it would be best if you lay down, you look unwell." Vicente said.

"Not here! I will come back tomorrow, I don't feel well." I said turning. Quickly, before I lost the will to, I ran out.

I huddled in my straw bed in the stables outside the gates of Cheydinhal, not daring to sleep. I needed my faculties. For that split second I had been able to break free of Vicente's power over me. What had I done to cause the change? Had it been my own memories? My homesickness? I needed to leave while I was still free of Vicente.

Even as that thought was realized there was a familiar throb in my veins and I looked up. There stood the man. The man Vicente had been once, before vampirism had changed his appearance. The beauty of the man in his youth was astounding, I wanted to drink in every bit of his vision before it disappeared again.

The man knelt beside me and bent down, kissing me on my lips, his full mouth covering mine. Then he was gone. My lips tingled and I reached up and felt them. Then suddenly I woke and it was a new day.

I had overslept again, this time the sun was glinting off the horses backs, it was even later than it had been yesterday. I felt I could have slept the rest of the day easily and had to force myself up.


Had it all been a dream? Had I really just gotten my first kiss from the ghost of a vampire? I felt my lips again, but they felt normal. It felt like I had slept a whole day away, and yet I was still tired. To this day I don't know if all or any of it was just a dream.

Skirting by the stable workers that had long since begun their chores I hurried to the sanctuary. When I arrived I had to search for Vicente, the sense of awareness was no longer there.

I found Vicente laying on his slab in his quarters resting. I touched his arm to waken him and he rose at once. His manner toward me was stolid, there was no allure, no charm. I tried to catch his eye, yet he avoided mine. My pulses did not race. Was I free of him?

"Vicente, did you leave the sanctuary last night?" I asked tentatively, I wanted to know if it had all been a dream.

Vicente ignored my question, his voice was purely business, not the soft mesmerizing tones that wafted through my senses. "Here is a contract. I will know when you have completed it."

He did not call me "little sister." I was confused. Had I dreamed the seductive lure as well? Had it all been just a vision of my own mind's making? Or was yesterday the only dream? There had been no mention of any parameters, so at least yesterday could not have been real. I was too tired to sort it out today, and rather than set off immediately for the contract I found a bedroll along the city wall and slept the rest of the day.



****


Vicente watched Maxical as she walked in a confused fashion to the door. When the door closed behind her he stomped back to his quarters where he had been resting when she had come in to find him. He was angry with himself.

Vicente stretched out on his slab. His powers were gone, drained completely.

He had worked hard to build Maxical to where she would be his soon. It had been so long since he had fed that his powers had become extraordinary. The excitement and anticipation grew as each day brought him closer to the time he knew she would accept his gift. She had come along so nicely, was so responsive to his powers.

It would be soon, she was fully under his spell, and he was deliciously playing for time to enhance the anticipation. That was where he made his mistake. His power over another was great, but his own willpower failed him.

In not feeding for so long Vicente's full powers as a vampire had reached heights he had never even dreamed of. He had abstained from feeding deliberately to hone those powers and perfect them. It meant never leaving the sanctuary, for the chance of the light of day touching him at this stage would surely mean death.

Then he had allowed his anticipation to guide his feet that night. He had become over confident in his own willpower.

Vicente had always known where Maxical bedded down for the night, her blood spoke to him and called to him, singing out its presence. She could never get far enough away that he would not be able to find her as long as he could hear that song. It was almost comical that she felt safer sleeping in an outdoor stable than in the protection of the sanctuary.

That night he had been so confident in his own strength that he had followed that song to the stables. Vicente had stood over her watching her sleep in the straw, listening to the music of her. He sank to his knees beside her so the very scent of her would fill him as it did when she was near.

The move was too bold, he had gone too far. Vicente had gotten too close, he could feel the heat of temptation throbbing deep in her veins. The need to feed became overwhelming suddenly and he had not been able to stop himself, but thrown himself beside her and drank the sweetness of her virgin blood like a man stranded out in a desert may drink water when he finds it.

The next day when she came to the sanctuary his power over her had weakened drastically. Vicente knew he had to send her on a contract to give him time to rebuild his powers. He had hurried into the instructions, trying to get her out of the Sanctuary before she became aware that he no longer held her. But Vicente had found himself distracted by a straw clinging to her hair, reminding him of his own weakness the night before.

Maxical was not under his spell as she answered him, she was responding to her own thoughts. The fear that she would discover her freedom was great, he would lose her if she realized. In an act of desperation Vicente had tried drawing her into his arms to get her close enough that his powers would once again take hold over her. It had not worked, she became aware.

Vicente felt the realization come across her before she stepped back from him. To stop her from flight he had shown her what her mind had sought continuously since their first meeting, he showed her the man he had been. Yes, he had read her thoughts when his power was soaring, he knew how much she desired to see what he had once been. But in his weakened state he had been unable to stay in that form.

Vicente rested all day, and when night fell he had returned to Maxical in the stable. He once again showed her the man, hoping that the reaction she had shown at the beauty of what he once was would keep her near until his powers grew once again. He had fed just the night before and should have the strength to resist temptation. He still had some powers at this point.

But it had not been enough. The look in her eyes as she gazed on him in the beauty of what he once had been had caused him to kneel before her and kiss her lips. The second he tasted her he knew it was her first kiss. And when she fainted he had been overcome and once again fed on her. By morning his powers were so depleted that he could feel nothing, not even the sense of her as she entered the sanctuary. And Maxical no longer felt him. It was the weakest Vicente had been in years.

Lying on his slab, weak and powerless, Vicente vowed that when he got his strength back Maxical would be his, she would accept his gift.




*** Vicente, the man as I first saw him:


http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/21/l_1d5f56beb4204238811402688f12195b.jpg


*** Vicente as the vampire:


http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/6/l_66414cea51674ce89ce3d806f296d338.jpg

Very good...

The description of Vincente's power over the girl is heightened by the sudden switch in the POV: we now suddenly see both through the eyes of the prey and the eyes of the hunter. While this is an old device in fiction, the phrase "old is gold" didn't come into being by accident!

However, MalX1...

but over his own willpower had failed him.

Uh-huh. You mean "But when it came to himself, his own willpower had failed him". Grammar!!!

And one thing. Vincente has fed on the Khajit twice in a fairly short time. And fed WELL. Surely she should be feeling just a tad weak???

One other thing that popped into my head, Malx1.

If I remember my Vampire Lore correctly, A vampire turns others into vampires by allowing or forcing them to drink of vampire blood, not the other way around. Perhaps you will include that into your scene? I should have told you that when your first PM'd me, but at that time that fact did not float up to my memory.

I got stuck on this. Just before posting this, I noticed our friend D.Foxy got stuck on it also. I know exactly what you mean, but the wording of the last sentence is distracting. D.Foxy's suggestion would work well, or perhaps something like:
'His power over another was great, but when it came to his own will, that power had failed him.' Play with it. I bet you can up with something even better.

What I know of vampirism will not fill a matchbox, so I gratefully defer to the considerable wisdom of D.Foxy on that matter.

Now, don't get wrapped up in that bit of critique - Trivial matters. How about the chapter overall? I admit that because of our collaboration I have an inkling of where this may go, but nevertheless.... I was spellbound. I simply could not stop reading until finished. The intangibles of style, plot and craftsmanship are hard to describe but easy to see. This was wonderful! I question the pulse of anyone who is not anxiously awaiting what happens next.

Congratulations on a superb chapter! :trophy:

Really interesting! I didn't know that, but it will definately be added in before that chapter comes to post!

I will fix that line, and thank you so much for pointing it out. I agree on the weakness, definately. I was thinking about that in the writing, too. (I checked to make sure she would not have caught a disease from him feeding on her). But I felt it would have made her weak. I will edit this and re-post it today. Thanks so much D.Foxy!

@ Acadian - - coming from you that has to be the highest praise I could dream of getting, Thank You!

I read the whole story today, with the new chapter as well. I didn't have time to post because I had to go out, apologies.
Anyway, every chapter that I've read in this story was exciting and interesting, every time I read chapter one again I have to read the whole story just to satisfy myself! Your story is REALLY good, but I just hope it doesn't end soon .

That means a lot to me, especially since I have been re-writing the early chapters in order to improve them. Thank you so much for everything you said, your encouragement means the world to me!

There you go! Perfectly fixed. :goodjob:



Unless I'm mistaken this seems to be new as well. Your active use of description is great now. You are describing routine things in a captivating way that makes the scene easy to envision.

I have just finished going through the story and the improvement in writing from about chapter 9 was inspiring. So many people i read start out fast and then drop off the forums through self discipline, lack of creativity or criticism. The reason both you and Acadian are so good is because you share that core love for the writing and a desire to improve.
When i first started reading it felt a little like a sledgehammer between my eyes, but this was only because you had such a desire for what had to be said. Now, the presentation is a beautiful display of finely tuned writing, and it is good to see that each post doesnt contain too many words. I feel it is far better for it. :thumbsup:

Malx1, you have a tremendous ability to get inside your character's mind, something i wish i could learn how to do myself. And you write very well from 'all points of view'.
Open any novel of a professional author and you will see that the story is driven by a- the character's thoughts, and b- dialogue. Both of which you have captured perfectly.
Descriptive language (which iam a big svcka for) is always the icing on the cake.

Just work a little on your grammer and tense. It does tend to wander. Otherwise, brilliant.

Iam very keen to see how this turns out.

Thank you so much Winter Wolf! The tense - I've just been noticing as I've been doing these re-edits how bad I am for switching tenses. I may use the word "had" too much and have to really pay attention. Bobg has got me looking at how many times I use the same word in a thread now, which I found a lot of in the past chapters and have been trying to edit them out.

The grammer - I admit a problem with, and have been relying on the critiques to help me with so I can learn from them and improve. Also, I am trying to be more aware of the word count. In the earlier chapters where I had sledgehammered everyone, I went back and broke them down into mini - chapters within the same chapter - much easier on the eyes that way!

These suggestions are huge to me, and I thank you so much for taking the time to read and let me know where I need to improve. Thank You very much, you are very appreciated.

No problem mate. Acadian and Bobg are both writing today and i know the important role that you played.
You were the one who climbed the tree to the highest point and shouted out.
And that, my friend, is worth a million septims. :foodndrink:

Thank you, I'll head right over to the Market District for that Golden Armor now, lol. Thank you very much. It's funny right after I rode Acadian so hard to write Buffy so we all could enjoy her he started riding me back, so he is actually the one who pushed me to start writing my character's story. I'm so glad Bobg has taken up the pen again, he is a genius.

Just wanted to give you my impression of this last chapter.

I sense a desire to touch on sensuality. This is different from sixuality and is a worthy challenge for any writer as well as a worthy subject for a philosopher. I would say you did it well. I would also say you should explore it for what it is separately from the whole 'Vampirism' subject. As it was, I got that uncomfortable feeling seeing the word 'blood' pop up rather often.

Your enthusiasm and dedication is my greatest source of inspiration to keep going with my own writing.

Thank you for the suggestions, I edited several out. I was trying to show the seduction the vampire uses to lure their victims into accepting the "Dark Gift" and how the victim is effected. With your help I can (hopefully) begin noticing when I have used a heavy hand. If it is offensive I can edit it and lighten it, I appreciate your help so much and value your opinion.

Re-reading, it seems better now but; what's wrong with the following?

Power. I edited the story and changed it to this:


I huddled in my straw bed in the stables outside the gates of Cheydinhal, not daring to sleep. I needed my faculties. For that split second I had been able to break free of Vicente's power over me. What had I done to cause the change? Had it been my own memories? My homesickness? I needed to leave while I was still free of Vicente.

You show great wisdom grasshopper.

Now if I could just find them before you have to point them out to me, Master Po! - Thank you so much, I re-read it after the changes you suggested and it is so much better. You ROCK Bobg!

Chapter 19 - 43: Alix On The Trail



As Alix topped the ridge he could feel Maxical's presence strongly. There was one higher peak to climb, and it appeared flat on top. It would be a perfect spot for someone contemplating?what? That was what Alix still didn't know completely. He made the climb.

When he reached the top it appeared as if the Gods had decorated the peak with shattered crystals, each glint of the sun reflected off thousands of particles creating a pattern of dancing light along the small cap of the mountain. The altitude was so great that each of the particles of ice were cut with a precision and individual pattern that could be seen distinctly while standing at full height. Alix had never seen a place more beautiful, nor breathed air more pure; and yet the beauty came with its costs.

The wind and cold stung his eyes causing them to water and each breath brought a bolt of ice into his lungs, it seemed almost uninhabitable and Alix wondered how Maxical could have stayed long under these conditions, but knew she had.

A sudden gust of wind pushed up the side of the mountains with such tremendous force that Alix felt himself pushed almost to the edge by it, and it was bitingly cold. Alix dropped to the ground so as not to make such an easy target for that wind.

Alix could feel Maxical's presence here as strongly as if she stood in front of him. What more perfect spot for someone to heal from?he wished he knew.

"A tiny thing like her may have been blown off the peak if it could shove me with such force," Alix thought, his fears trying to take control of his senses.

Alix refused to allow the fear to have its head. His gut instinct told him that Maxical was still alive. He would not give up hope. He pressed himself against the only rock up there to give himself a brace against the wind. When the gust blew itself out Alix quickly crawled around to see if there was a better spot with more shelter. He climbed around till he found a spot that looked out over Skyrim.

The rock he had leaned against was behind him now, and was deflecting the wind away. From this side of the peak he could see down into the wilds of Skyrim. He noticed evidence that someone else had used the little spot under the ledge below him. The snow along one place against the rock was packed down, as if someone had used it frequently. It was too small for a bear and Alix doubted a wolf would have scaled the cliff. It had to be where Maxical spent a lot of time.

Alix was no Khajiit, even if he could make it down to that ledge he may not make it back up. Instead he pushed his back against the rock behind him and stared at that spot.

"Was she climbing down into Skyrim?" Alix suddenly wondered. He tried to get his bearings to determine what hours the sun would hit that spot, warming it. Maxical loved sunlight and warmth, though why she would be up in this icy mountain peak seeking it...

Alix started crawling again, trying to find where the sunlight was warming now. He found it. There was almost a trail of packed down snow still barely visible under the new snows that had fallen.

That meant it had been a while since she had been here. Alix crawled around again till he could see the spires of the Imperial City. Far down below him on a ledge he saw a camp.

Alix made his way zigzagging down till he almost fell into a bowl shaped place cut into the side of the mountain. In front of him was a large rock jutting out like a finger pointing at the Imperial City, on top of it a tent and the evidence that there had been a warming fire by the tent.

The drafts up the sides of the mountain didn't touch this place. It was as still as a church here. This was where she had lived, Alix was sure of it. There was an old satchel empty by the tent. Alix crawled into the tent and tried to warm up a bit.

"Oh what I would give for fur armor right now!" he said under his breath.

He lay his face down on the cold mattress and breathed in, hoping to find her sweet scent there. Her scent wasn't there, but still he knew she had been. Alix curled himself into a ball inside the tent trying to warm himself. He took off his gauntlets and pushed his hands up inside his armor hoping his chest would warm them. Instead it made his chest feel chilled.

"How did she survive up here?" Alix wondered. She wasn't covered in thick fur like S'Jirra was. Her fur was as thin and fine as a skin.

Alix considered himself a strong man, and he was freezing up here. The wind went straight through his armor. He tried to picture Maxical up here feeling like he was feeling right now, and it brought tears to his eyes.

"How she must have been suffering," Alix thought, feeling overwhelmed by the image.

For the millionth time Alix wished he had put his foot down about Maxical not going away to school. If he had stood firm S'Jirra would have had to drop the idea. In a way, Maxical leaving that day with Fathis had all led up to this moment. It had set off a chain of events that had disrupted all of their happiness and peace. It was the first time he and S'Jirra had ever had a really firm difference of opinion.

Alix's idea was to hire a tutor. The only arguments he could put forward were that he couldn't protect Maxical if she was so far away, and that he would miss her too badly if she were gone.

S'Jirra gave so many reasons it would be good for Maxical and they had all made sense, but that didn't change what his heart and gut told him. Alix may be a pretty smart man, but there is no arguing with a woman who has already made her mind up. Alix had been really angry with S'Jirra for the first time since they had met over how that played out.

The way it was done, S'Jirra telling him that night that Fathis had agreed; Fathis had spent the night that night meaning that Alix couldn't spend the night with S'Jirra talking her out of it. Social strictures on mixed couples be damned, he should have stormed her bedroom and said his piece, then none of this would be happening now.

In all the years of his life Alix couldn't remember shedding a tear till Maxical had come into his heart and wound herself around it. It frustrated Alix that lately he couldn't seem to control the tears. Alix had felt tricked into something he had been totally against from the start, and now this is where it had led. He didn't know what he would do if he lost Maxical.

Alix had found Crowhaven in his search for Maxical. There were the burned corpses of vampires and there were less decomposed vampire bodies that had been killed with a sword. In the end he had found Lord Lovidicus rotting corpse burned and cut to ribbons, Maxical's broken sword stuck in him. It had been shattered to pieces.

Alix tried to remember what he had heard about Lord Lovidicus in his past. Some rumors had gone around about him, but what were they? Wait! Hadn't he fallen in love with one of his servants? Alix bolted up. A servant who was an Orc! Maxical's letter had said Agronak was the son of a Lord! Then maybe the Gray Prince was the product of that union. There was no doubt Maxical had made two trips at two very different times to Crowhaven. And there was no doubt that Lord Lovidicus was a vampire. Maxical must have found out and killed Lord Lovidicus, but surely she wouldn't have told her good friend something like that. But somehow he found out, that would explain the Orc's side of the pact. And it would explain why Maxical came back through this place recently again and broke her sword off in Lord Lovidicus. But why would Maxical want to die? Unless she loved the Orc? Yet all she ever talked about was Fathis. Alix lay back down.

Then Alix sat up suddenly. He looked out the back of the tent and saw the Imperial City. She slept every night staring at that.

"But was it for Fathis or the Gray Prince? Would she have jumped off that ledge?" Once again the fear took hold.

Alix slid his gauntlets back on and climbed back out. He would rather know than not know. The likeliest place to descend was to the east, so he cut over and made his way down the slope where he stumbled upon the body of the Uderfryke. Alix didn't have schooling and had no idea what it was, other than the biggest damn troll he had ever seen! So she had come this way. He continued on till he caught the whiff of something cooking. Following the scent he found Aerin's Camp and a friendly Nord called Torbern.

Alix sat down in front of a warm fire and had the best meal he had eaten in over a month while listening to Torbern tell him about Maxical.

She was alive!




*** Torbern:

http://www.uesp.net/w/images/images.new/9/9c/OB-npc-Torbern.jpg


*** Crystal peak, campsite below:

http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/49/l_fb40dee389bd456b8a6674538064bf3b.jpg

I feel privileged being the first to comment on the new chapter. I liked it.