Maxical's Journey

Post » Tue May 17, 2011 2:38 pm

I feel privileged being the first to comment on the new chapter. I liked it.


Thank you Bobg. I am going to re-proof read it after I get a little sleep, but if you see something lacking please feel free to let me know. I appreciate your help more than I can say!
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Sherry Speakman
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 2:43 am

So far everything Alix had found said Maxical still lived, he would not allow the fear to have it's head.

The rock he had leaned against was behind him as he faced Skyrim and deflected the wind off.


STILL LIVED: he would not allow the fear to have ITS head.

See how the correction smooths out the mildly annoying mistakes?

As he faced Skyrim, the rock he had leaned against was behind him and deflected the wind AWAY.

This is the correct version of the sentence. Otherwise, your original sentence would be construed to mean that ALIX was deflecting the wind away!


Otherwise, a welcome POV change. I do have ONE Quibble, though. I really don't think that Alix could have deducted the whole story of the Gray Prince from just those observations, but that's just me, I'm sure.

Keep the story up, my dear but remember what I said to you in the PM...


YOUR. HEALTH. COMES. FIRST!!!!
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Wane Peters
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 2:36 am

[ I do have ONE Quibble, though. I really don't think that Alix could have deducted the whole story of the Gray Prince from just those observations, but that's just me, I'm sure.

Keep the story up, my dear but remember what I said to you in the PM...


YOUR. HEALTH. COMES. FIRST!!!!


Thank you so much for the help with the grammer! I appreciate it to no end! And you are right, I stayed up all night writing it after being sick, so yeah. I had a lot of mistakes in it. You ROCK D.Foxy!

*The reason I post it here to do the final edits is because I can see the print a lot better on the dark screen with the white lettering. For some reason the white page with black lettering burns my eyes.

On your last sentence, I was referencing a past posting about Alix and his powers of ferreting out information:

"They were like private inspectors and ferreted out what was really going on whether you told them or not. If S'Jirra didn't read it in your eyes, Alix would investigate and find out. He could have worked for the blades protecting the Emperor he was that good. You could have one hair turned out of place and Alix would see it and find out how it got turned." Alix doesn't talk much, but he is always thinking.


Most of his deduction on that came from remembering gossip and putting 2+2 together. However, after your suggestion I added the fact that her letters about Agronak mentioned he was the son of a Lord.
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Sunny Under
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 11:43 am

Now if I could just find them before you have to point them out to me, Master Po! - Thank you so much, I re-read it after the changes you suggested and it is so much better. You ROCK Bobg!


The method I have found most helpful is to read my installments out loud to the patient and talented Mrs. Treydog. This works because a narrative is just that- a story. And spoken word came long before written word. That read-through is the way I spot most of my typos, but it also allows me to find places where the words go "clunk." A story should never clunk. And there is a difference between reading on the page (or screen) versus "performing" the story by reading it aloud. It gives a sense of pacing, of the flow, of the sound....

Even if you have to read to your dog or cat, I highly recommend the method.
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Big mike
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 2:25 am

The method I have found most helpful is to read my installments out loud to the patient and talented Mrs. Treydog. This works because a narrative is just that- a story. And spoken word came long before written word. That read-through is the way I spot most of my typos, but it also allows me to find places where the words go "clunk." A story should never clunk. And there is a difference between reading on the page (or screen) versus "performing" the story by reading it aloud. It gives a sense of pacing, of the flow, of the sound....

Even if you have to read to your dog or cat, I highly recommend the method.


That is a great idea! I always did that with speeches and business proposals, I don't know why I didn't think of doing it with the story! Thank you, this may help me a lot! Brilliant!
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lilmissparty
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 5:28 am

Well. I believe you are done editing. My comments are based after several reads. The latest is after your 7:23 AM edit of Oct 12. I think you are done fiddling with it? :lmao:

A couple minor tweaks here and there from our PMs and the advice of others have been incorporated into a final result.

I think the story is wonderful. It adds depth (quite a bit) to one of your supporting characters and is nicely told. We can feel the cold up there with Alix and cold air in his lungs.

You have taken the time to provide various perspectives on what is happening to Maxical - and very well I might add. You are quite adept at switching from first to third pov to suit your story. Not only does it work well for you, it enhances your ability to write from the different perspectives.

Editing. The advice offered by the wonderful Treydog has certainly helped me. Not that I would every impose upon Mrs Treydog of course, but you understand what I mean. Yes, things look different on the forums than in 'word'. Consider as part of your later edits popping the story up in the forum in the 'preview' mode. Edit as desired. Copy it back to word. I find that very helpful.

Just make sure you are using the 'preview post' button instead of the 'add reply' button. :whistle:

Nice job again mALX! :foodndrink:
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Marion Geneste
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 9:55 am

I have returned! Malx forgive me for my lack of posts. As stated in my PM I have been merely observing. I have enjoyed reading over this chapter but regret not being able to help in the perfecting of it.
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Anthony Santillan
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 1:10 pm

I have returned! Malx forgive me for my lack of posts. As stated in my PM I have been merely observing. I have enjoyed reading over this chapter but regret not being able to help in the perfecting of it.


I'm just glad to know you are still enjoying it, I was worried. I don't have the expertise to help another either. I just read what I like and don't read what I don't. I have been humbled by the talents I admire so much for their own stories gracing Maxical's page.
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michael flanigan
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 4:16 am

D. Foxy has graciously agreed to co-write this chapter, employing his character Damien "Foxy" Reynard to assist Maxical. D.Foxy has written all the parts for Damien Reynard and his cutout. I hope you enjoy it as much as we have writing it.



Chapter 20: The Assassin



Vicente knew he was sending Maxical into a contract too early. She was not ready, but he must have time. He had acted out of desperation to remove her while he regained his powers. She must not see him again until he got his strength back, and then he would get her under his spell once more. This time there would be no mistakes.

A thought occurred to Vicente, he remembered from the adventures of long ago the name of a man that may help him with this situation. Acting quickly, Vicente scribbled a note and called Antoinetta Marie to him. Antoinetta's loyalty to him was such that she questioned no task he sent her on. He sealed the note and handed it to her.

"Get this to the Tiber Septim with great haste. When you get there deliver it into the hands of the man living in the first room at the top of the back stairwell. Do not speak to anyone but him, and then return to me."

"She will not escape me twice." Vicente said under his breath as he watched Antoinetta run to the well exit.


************************************************************************

He stood at the window, watching the girl cross the street.

Pretty, a quick and lithe mover, but utterly unaware of either surveillance or counter-surveillance. She had not looked back once or doubled back to check if she was being followed. If she had been one of his operatives, in the old days, punishment would have come that very evening...

Damien sighed, and even gave the ghost of a smile. The 'old days' were gone, now. Although perhaps the saying that 'assassins never die of old age' might yet still be true in his case - certainly the news that all was not well with the Emperor had stirred the old blood in him, and made him send out a tentacle in that direction...perhaps the complications from that would make the rumors of his death come true. Ironic, if Damien 'Foxy' Reynard would die from his own curiosity in his retirement!

But that was another case in another dimension - right now the problem was that which was in the letter contained in his hand, the letter which had been carefully slid under his door by the Hotel Owner. Money and a certain reputation had brought him certain privileges at the Tiber Septim hotel, one of which was the privilege of never seeing anyone who had not been cleared beforehand to see him. The girl's letter had been quietly but firmly taken in hand by the owner, and sent up to him. She had not seen his face or heard his voice.

Shadows are where the Assassin lives, and sunlight is where he dies. Damien's mind flashed back to the training mantras of his youth. Yes, it was best to always be in shadow...not unlike the author of the letter he was holding in his hand.

"You have forgotten, Vicente, that I know you too well" Damien whispered to the room as he slowly walked to the chair at his writing desk and sat down, pulling a quill out of the inkpot and reaching for a parchment.

He began to write to one of his cut-outs. As a single drop in ink smudged the end of a sentence, he looked at it in irritation.

A sudden thought struck him. His lips twisted.

Better a drop of Assassin's ink than one of vampire's blood, he thought, as he finished and sealed his missive.

************************************************************************

I was still feeling tired when I awoke that evening. The sun was almost gone; its rays leaving a horizontal pattern across the bridge I could see from where I lay. I struggled to rise from the mat I had usurped, the weakness was making me clumsy. What was wrong with me? Was I ill?

As I got up I saw a man winding his way toward the mat, it must be his.

"I'm sorry, I borrowed your mat. I hope you don't mind," I hailed to him when he drew near.

"Do you have a coin for an old beggar?" he whined.

"Sure, let me find one. Heard any good news lately?" I asked, just trying to be polite while I searched for my purse.

"They's caught a spy in the Imperial Palace! He was skulkin' round 'ta Emperor's quarters! They's hauled him down to 'ta prison for question'n!"

"What? Really?" I wasn't doubting him. These beggars knew a lot of things before anyone else.

I thanked him and gave him several Septims for the use of his bed and the conversation. Before it got dark I wanted to leave Cheydinhal. I grabbed my pack and headed down the road, using invisibility as a cloak. I did not want to be seen, not with what I was going there to do. Was I really going to assassinate someone? What was I doing with my life now?

As I made my way down the road those thoughts kept surfacing until my mind ached from it. Somehow it seemed as if this was the first time I had thought about what I was doing since that first day I entered that sanctuary. All that time training for what I was doing right now, I do not remember once really thinking about it. Suddenly it was all I could think of.

An Imperial Legionnaire was riding up the road toward me at a leisurely pace, so I cut off into the woods to avoid him. The trees were not dense, but provided well enough cover. When the Legionnaire had passed I started to make my way back to the roads when I noticed the shape of a cabin in the woods. Surprised, I went over to inspect it. It was obviously not in use, but not abandoned either.

On the spur of the moment I made a decision to break in. I needed time to think, I needed a bath and a bed. The lock was relatively easy to pick, even though I really did not know what I was doing.

The cabin was clean and charming, it reminded me of home.

"Home." I whispered aloud, wondering if I would ever see mine again. I know Alix would not stop loving me even if I was an assassin. But how would it make him feel to know it? Would he cry?

"S'Jirra would ground me if she found out." I said aloud, and then laughed. Then I cried.

"How is it that this is the first time I have thought of any of these things? Did Vicente's spell over me have something to do with it? Or was that just a product of my own mind as well?" I was trying to think but exhaustion was taking over, even though I had slept all day. I drew a bath and just let myself soak in it for a long time before soaping up and rinsing off. I had almost gone to sleep in the tub.

The bed felt glorious, not like the flat mats I had been sleeping on for so long. I stretched out and pulled the fluffy pillow up under my head.

"A pillow! I forgot how good it feels to sleep with a pillow!" I cried out, punching it into an even fluffier state. It was like heaven to sleep in that bed.

The next day I set back out again toward the Waterfront. I cut over between that old Ayeleid ruin Vilverin and Ft. Urasek and swam across the channel to the grounds around the Imperial Prison.

Thinking about what I was about to do was beginning to make me feel scared, thinking "What if I am caught?"

I was jumping at every bush thinking it may be a guard, and felt like I was being watched even though I had used an invisibility spell. I was supposed to be a 'trained assassin' but couldn't remember a single lesson I was supposed to have gotten from Vicente. How does an assassin act?

"Maybe I should be more sneaky or peer around or something," I thought.

I cut up to the prison itself and pressed myself against the wall of it, creeping from alcove to alcove with my back to the wall. Acting sneaky must have been correct, because I found myself getting scared and jumpy, my nerves all on edge.

"This must be how assassins do it I guess." It was giving me the creeps.

Suddenly I saw a shadowy figure move against the sidewall of the prison! I screamed! A man in a dark cloak stepped out just a hair from the alcove along the prison wall.

"Sshhh! Come here! I got what you need. You need something?special? Check out my wares, you won't find this stuff in your local general store, that's for damn sure."

"You almost scared me to death!" I said, my heart almost jumping from my chest.

I looked at his wares, he had mostly poisons and lock picks, but I noticed he was wearing a nice hood.

"I could use a nice hood like that one you are wearing," I said, thinking how helpful it would be to have a hood that obscured my face like that.

He would not sell it. I bought several lock picks from him though, and sold him the extra armors I was still toting around. That would lighten my load a lot. His name was "Shady Sam" but other than the hood and the fact he was creeping around popping out of alcoves in the wall, he seemed nice.

"Come and see me anytime friend." Shady Sam said as I was leaving.

"Next time I'll bring some health potion along, or a change of clothes." I thought. He had scared me so badly that I had almost wet myself when he popped out of that wall.

I worked my way around a large rock and could see the stables on my left. There would be guards there, so I cut down the hill to the shore and crept along it toward the Waterfront. I swam across to it and pressed myself against the end of the building.

"What am I supposed to do now?" I wondered. If Vicente taught me anything about how to assassinate someone I couldn't remember it.

Keeping my back to the wall I edged over toward the dock area. I leaned my head out and peered around the corner. I could see the boat, and there were pirates walking around the dock area in front of it. Was I supposed to kill everyone on this end of the dock to cover all my tracks? Vicente didn't tell me anything about what to do if there were others around.

My legs were trembling and my heart was racing. My hands were shaking against my armor and with the gauntlets on it was making a lot of noise! I backed away and ran around the other corner of the building and kept running till I reached the abandoned shack I had stayed in before. I was terrified about what I was about to do, and I needed time to think.

I was barely across the room in the shack when the door opened and a man followed me in. I screamed!


*********************************************************************

My hand went instantly to my sword hilt and I was lining up spells when he spoke.

"Are you Maxical?" The man asked.

He knew my name? I was still shaken from the sudden shock of the man's appearance in the shack, but now I was wary. Who was this man?

He was standing in a straight, rigid posture; his hands folded over each other on his belly.

He was surely not here to kill me, he was making no moves to attack me. Was he hiding a weapon beneath his hands? I saw no sword at his side, and he was not in an attack stance, but I knew well that could change quickly.

Keeping my hand on my sword hilt, and in the best commanding voice I could muster while shaking inside I said, "State your business!" A good offense is the best defense when you don't know what is going on.

"I come as an agent for a friend. I am to deliver this letter only to Maxical. Are you she?" the man said.

"Who? What friend? Identify yourself and this friend!" I demanded. The thought suddenly came that this man was sent by Vicente.

I had come to a realization in that little cabin about Vicente. He had used some form of magic to brainwash me and make me ill. I had escaped, had he now sent this man to bring me back into his clutches?

"Who was your sponsor into the Academy of Magic?" The man asked.

My mind reeled, was he sent by Fathis? Fathis was sending me a message? Oh, is it possible he is no longer angry with me? I felt a weight begin to lift off my heart.

"Is Fathis the one who sent you? Fathis has a letter for me? Please, let me have it!" My hands were trembling now from excitement. Fathis had contacted me!

The man stared at me, impassively, then slowly nodded. With slow-motion movements he withdrew a letter written on a parchment from his blouse pocket, and a small bottle from his trouser pocket. He lay the letter on the table and spread it out.

"What trickery is this, it is nothing but a merchants invoice!" I said getting angry.

Then he carefully smeared the oil from the bottle onto it evenly, then took out a candle, stuck it onto the table, and lit it.

I was ready to burn him with that candle if he did not hurry up and produce Fathis letter!

"Why did you pour oil on that invoice? Where is Fathis letter!" I demanded. I was ready to snatch every hair from his head in a second if he did not produce it!

He ignored me and held the letter near the flame.

Then suddenly I noticed words beginning to appear on the parchment that had not been there before. I watched in fascination as more emerged between the lines of the Merchant's invoice. It was as if the words were conjured there! I was straining to read it even before the messenger gave the letter to me.

"Only Fathis would know such magic, this is a sign it is he!" I thought, feeling animation come to my heart that had lay dormant for so long. "Imagine him disguising his letter, he was always one to make something interesting out of the ordinary!"

"This letter has been sent by a friend who wishes to warn you of one who wishes to bring harm to you. The one who wishes you harm is Vicente. He plans to turn you into a vampire. While you slept he fed on you, that is how you were able to escape his spell. His powers were weakened by feeding. But now he is again starving himself to regain his powers of mental domination. Do not return lest he once again cast his spell over you. "

I gasped when I read that, my skin felt like it crawled and I almost vomited at the thought. But I continued reading.

"You may trust the agent I have sent this letter with to escort you to me. I will meet you at the Tiber Septim. If you are with my agent, he will give a sign that will allow you access. D."

I looked up at the man and he took the letter from me and burned it in the candles flame. It instantly incinerated into a puff of smoke

"Oh Fathis, this is a sign it is you." I thought smiling, trying to figure out in my mind what the 'D' stood for.

"Danger? Dire? Has he been made a Duke?" I mused. Although I always just signed my letters to him 'M,' Fathis always signed his letters with his full name; a large flourished 'F' at the beginning. This 'D' was rigid, did that mean he had not forgiven me yet?

"Please, will you take me to him?" I asked. I could hear the excitement in my own voice.

"I will make him forgive me!" I thought to myself.

Without a word he turned, and I hurriedly followed him to the Tiber Septim Hotel. When we arrived the man gave no discernable signals that I noticed, but he was waived to proceed upstairs.

*****




*** The little cabin in the woods:


http://www.uesp.net/w/images/images.new/6/61/OB-Roland_Jenseric%27s_Cabin.jpg
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Dragonz Dancer
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 1:58 pm

My goodness! I am almost speechless... but not quite.

Depth, intrigue, contrast, a mysteriously smooth master assassin, the bumblingly lovable 'try to be an assassin'.

Twists and turns galore, yet all interwoven and connected beautifully.

Surely your best effort yet. Congratulations on such a fabulous read!

The masterful touches of friend Foxy are evident, but so are your own.

Maxical and her efforts at skulking that are so... well, Maxical; That is the extra something special that makes this story sing.

Let me issue you another one of these: :trophy:
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Roberta Obrien
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 2:38 pm

My goodness! I am almost speechless... but not quite.

Depth, intrigue, contrast, a mysteriously smooth master assassin, the bumblingly lovable 'try to be an assassin'.

Twists and turns galore, yet all interwoven and connected beautifully.

Surely your best effort yet. Congratulations on such a fabulous read!

The masterful touches of friend Foxy are evident, but so are your own.

Maxical and her efforts at skulking that are so... well, Maxical; That is the extra something special that makes this story sing.

Let me issue you another one of these: :trophy:



Thanks Acadian, you keep me inspired with your encouragement, and the story wouldn't be half as good without your "nit picking" as you call it. I love and need the reminders and critiques!
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Richard
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 3:41 am

This story was absolutely magnificent. You and D.Foxy are a very potent team. Well done to both. :goodjob:
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Naomi Ward
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 3:31 am

Well, MalX1, our joint efforts seem to have borne fruit...

I would like to point out to the forum and all readers thereof, that MalX1 has done 80% or more of the writing and editing on these particular passages, so if any praise there be, it should go to her!

Some more collaborations a-coming up, as soon as we two finish our PM spamfest...

:lol:
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Kelsey Anna Farley
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 11:31 am

This story was absolutely magnificent. You and D.Foxy are a very potent team. Well done to both. :goodjob:


Thanks Winter Wolf - D.Foxy and I have found that we think alike on a lot of things, when we were going over the final edits it was hard to tell where his ended and mine began. Oh, and I've seen D.Foxy's comment below yours, don't let him fool you. I just laid a problem in his lap and he came up with this brilliant solution that you will see play out as the sequal to this chapter unfolds. (not to mention he wrote the part of Damien and the Cut-Out). When we originally talked of collaberating on a story he had written out the most intense exciting spy thrilling storyline you could ever imagine and it still fit with TES. At the last minute I told him I had hit a snag with that plan, and he came up in a few hours with this one mapped out and it couldn't be any more perfect. I bow down to D.Foxy any day for his brilliant mind, quick thinking, and detail orientation. He is Awesome!


@ D.Foxy - you ROCK! I would have never thought this up or been able to pull off the details without you, don't be putting all the credit on me.
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Jerry Cox
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 12:05 am

Hi mALX1,

I just finished chapter 19, and I liked it. A week or so ago I tried reading it from the first page, but I found that your writing style there did not do anything for me. I think the shift from 1st to 3rd person really works well for you, as the difference was dramatic. I like you new stuff very much, and will continue on to chapter 20 once I get some more time. Nicely done! :twirl:
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BlackaneseB
 
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Post » Mon May 16, 2011 11:56 pm

Hi mALX1,

I just finished chapter 19, and I liked it. A week or so ago I tried reading it from the first page, but I found that your writing style there did not do anything for me. I think the shift from 1st to 3rd person really works well for you, as the difference was dramatic. I like you new stuff very much, and will continue on to chapter 20 once I get some more time. Nicely done! :twirl:


I agree totally with you. After being helped by all these critiques I would go back to chapter 1 and want to cry, but just couldn't figure out what would help it. Thanks to your comment I have totally re-written it. Will anyone with some time please critique it? I will appreciate it greatly.


SubRosa thank you so much for helping me on this, you went above and beyond!
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Tamara Primo
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 12:09 am

Per your request, I have re read chapter one. It has previously been rewritten and improved before your latest effort.

It is dramatically improved, even from the last rewrite. Most noticeable is the first third or so. That was the weakest area. No longer. It imediately draws the reader into an interesting tale.

I think you have a winner there. A fitting introduction to a great story. :goodjob:
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Liii BLATES
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 2:48 pm

Wonderful rewrite of the begining Malx. Anyone that reads the new begining should be ensnared.
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teeny
 
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Post » Mon May 16, 2011 11:35 pm

Just caught up on the last few chapters... the whole oily, creepy aspect of Vicente luring Maxical on is nicely done, it's creepy and yet you convey her infatuation as she understands it, and her confusion because she doesn't realize his hold on her very well. I look forward to seeing what happens in the Tiber Septim.
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Craig Martin
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 1:55 am

Wonderful rewrite of the begining Malx. Anyone that reads the new begining should be ensnared.


Thank you so much! I like it much better, that first chapter always bugged me. I appreciate you so much Arcry!

@ Acadian - I know you aren't here to read this, but thank you so much for taking the time to do that, and since you left I have re-edited it so the last two thirds should equal the first, lol. No, you don't have to go re-read it, lol.

@ Leydenne - I always want to faint when I see you have read this and like it. I highly value your opinion! Thank you so much!
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benjamin corsini
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 10:51 am

Some time ago I tried reading that first chapter and frankly quit before I finished it. Tonight I went back and was delighted by a charming tale. My, how you have grown grasshopper.
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Dona BlackHeart
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 7:08 am

Some time ago I tried reading that first chapter and frankly quit before I finished it. Tonight I went back and was delighted by a charming tale. My, how you have grown grasshopper.


Thank you Master Po, (Bobg) I first re-edited it when you set me on fire to re-do the whole story a while back. On completion of the edit I was still very unhappy with that chapter, but couldn't seem to figure out how to fix it. SubRosa lit another fire under me and I decided to re-write it from scratch. I feel much better about that chapter now. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your help.
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Harry Leon
 
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Post » Tue May 17, 2011 1:09 pm

Zalphon's character (Zalphon) has agreed to do a cameo appearance in this chapter, along with an honorable mention of Zalphon's wife Raven.

Chapter 21: Fathis, the Reward, and the Paladin


When Fathis Aren trudged into the Castle Bravil the guards at the doorway would not have recognized him if it hadn't been for the purple robe, which now hung in tatters and over a months worth of road dust. Even with the robes they found it hard to believe it was the same person they had last seen over a month before.

Fathis' hauteur had been replaced by a haggard, hopeless visage; his long hair fell in tangles covered in layers of dust, and his eyes reflected nothing but exhaustion. The skin was pulled tightly across his cheekbones revealing the extent of weight loss he had endured since last seen. Rather than the brisk pace he normally employed his feet dragged with each step, and he appeared quite a bit shorter than he normally was, his robe dragged the ground.

Torn between feeling sorry for Fathis and the possibility of gleaning some information, one guard stepped forward and helped Fathis to his quarters. Once there however, Fathis dismissed him without the benefit of any details he could carry down to the local pub.

Fathis stripped his robe off and tossed it into the fireplace. He was almost too tired to bathe, but the aching muscles in his legs cried out for some relief, even more so than the thick layer of dust on his skin and hair. Fathis waddled crab-like to draw his bath, his legs bowed from being in the saddle for over a month. The soreness in his legs and buttocks was excruciating.

Soaking in the tub would have brought that relief, but once he submerged himself the water took on a brown hue as the road dust mixed with the water of his bath. He could not sit in that, so instead he bathed and washed his hair, then stood up to rinse and stepped out of the tub. He had to warm himself in front of the fireplace to dry rather than his usual habit of stretching out on his bed. The weight loss was so pronounced that he could no longer tolerate the slightest draft.

Fathis had given up searching for Maxical, he could go no further. A depression had set in for the last few weeks of his search. How could she just disappear that way? She had to be somewhere, but where? That was his last thought before going to sleep.

For three days Fathis rested, bathing when he awoke, barely eating; but an idea had occurred to him that may bring Maxical back to him. He opened his door to call a guard to him, but didn't have far to look, the guard fell in the door when he opened it. Fathis didn't react, instead he slipped 200 Septims and a sealed note into the man's hand and asked him to deliver the note to the Black Horse Courier on his behalf.

Stunned, the guard gobbled a few unintelligible words while Fathis closed the door in his face.

***

The news spread like wildfire when the copy of the Black Horse Courier hit the streets, and even prior to that amongst the guards in Bravil, as the guard charged with carrying the note to the Black Horse Courier had taken a peek at the contents prior to delivering it and then re-heated the wax seal to close it back.




_____________________________________________________________________


The Black Horse Courier


50,000 SEPTIM REWARD OFFERED!

SPECIAL EDITION!
REWARD OFFERED FOR THE DIVINE AVENGER, THE GRAND CHAMPION!

50,000S For return or information that leads to the return of the Grand Champion



The Black Horse Courier was contacted by Fathis Aren, Court Mage of Castle Bravil this morning by special messenger to offer a reward in the case of the missing Grand Champion.

The reward will be paid to the person responsible for either finding the Grand Champion and bringing her (alive) to Fathis Aren personally, or for any information brought to Fathis Aren that leads to her return.

As you know, the Divine Avenger won the Grand Championship only to disappear that same night.

Thirty days later an arrest warrant for her murder was issued and Owyn, the Redguard who is the Blademaster in charge of the Arena Bloodworks was taken into custody along with his accomplice, the Imperial Guard.

There has been a rumor circulating that Owyn and his accomplice have since escaped the prison, however at this time The Black Horse Courier has been unable to confirm this, although many attempts have been made to interview the guards at the prison.

The Imperial Guard arrested with Owyn was stripped of his rank, however if indeed the rumors are true it is possible that he may have had help in the escape by the guards at the prison. It is well known that these guards consider themselves a brotherhood.

Is it a possibility that the Divine Avenger, the Grand Champion still lives? It is well known that Fathis Aren, along with the members of the Grand Champion's family have refused to believe she is deceased and have continued to search for her. Fathis Aren himself has been seen regularly riding the roads from city to city in his search.
_______________________________________________________________________




There was a sudden influx of guards requesting transfers to mounted patrols, and before the paper came off the presses several guards in Bravil had been given permission to transfer. It was not that they had the riding experience needed for the post, so it was not uncommon to see an Imperial mounted guard struggling with his horse on the roads of Cyrodiil after that, or a rider-less horse running from an angry guard.

Chaos ensued after the issue posted. Every citizen in Cyrodiil wanted that reward, and suddenly towns were emptied out as citizens began combing the forests looking for Maxical.

Fights ensued, of course. Someone may think they spotted her and see another citizen approach the spot, leading to a bout of fisticuffs or worse. Citizens that were unequipped were facing the wild beasts and bandits that hide in the forests, and not fairing well against them. Groups of friends would gather to form a posse with the promise to split the reward. Many guards that were not granted the mounted status began taking ill suddenly, not appearing at their posts, but were mysteriously absent of their homes during their illness.


***

The beggar stood at the Cheydinhal gate, which was devoid of any guards. There had been nobody spotted in town for too many days, and he needed some food, but was no thief. Clinging to the gates he hoped to catch someone coming in and plead for the Septims to purchase a bit of food. He had information that may bring in some extra Septims as well, and hoped someone with large pockets would enter and be willing to pay well for it.

When the gate did open, the beggar was disappointed to see it was naught but a paladin, there would not be many Septims in his pockets.

"Got a coin for an old beggar?" he whined at the paladin.

The knight reached in his pocket. "Say old man, what news have you had recently, anything good?"

The beggar hesitated. This knight could not bring him as much as another may, but then again, it may be days before another came. He decided to tell what he knew.

"I's spotted that white Khajiit everyone seeks, saw her with my own eyes I did! She were good to me, spoke real nice and gave me some extra Septims for the latest rumors, she did!" The beggar cast a hopeful look up at the paladin.

***

Zalphon reached back in his pocket again. The man did look hungry. "Where was she?" he asked.

"She 'twere sleepin' on my mat, looked ill to me. She thanked me kindly she did. 'Twere real polite to me. She went out that gate right there not a week ago." The beggar pointed.

Zalphon thanked him. He had heard about the reward offered. It was a lot of Septims, he and Raven could use it. But in his heart he knew this beggar could use it too, and the information really belonged to the beggar.

On the spur of the moment Zalphon decided to carry that information to Fathis Aren, but act as emissary for the beggar. What a surprise that beggar would have if he was to suddenly be the recipient of 50,000 Septims!

***

Fathis Aren was pacing his room. It had been over two weeks since he posted that reward, and still no news. If nothing was heard by the end of the week he was going to double the reward offered. Even as that thought entered his mind there came a tap on his door. Fathis ran to the door and swept it open.

"Sir, there be a paladin below, says he needs to talk to you." The guard said. Some of the guards had become sympathetic to Fathis since his posting of the reward.

"Send him up here to me immediately," Fathis said anxiously. "Please to the Gods be it news of Maxical!" he thought as the guard hurried off.

Zalphon was escorted up in short order. Fathis shook his hand, looking into the dark Elven knight's eyes. What he saw gave him hope for the first time since he had stood at the Atronach altar in the Wizard's Tower that day.

"I have news of the white Khajiit," Zalphon said. "She was spotted by a beggar in Cheydinhal a week ago, leaving out the west gate. The beggar said she was ill and slept the day on his mat."

Fathis heart leapt in his chest and for the first time in months his eyes began to shine with renewed hope. "Thank you, paladin. If I find her from this information, you will have your reward. In the meantime, please take this. I can't thank you enough for carrying this information to me!" Fathis tried to press 200 Septims in the paladin's hand, but it was refused.

"Please give the reward to the beggar, the information came from him." Zalphon said.

Fathis thanked him again. The paladin exited and Fathis dropped down to his knees and sobbed. She was alive!




*** The Black Horse Courier:

http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/43/l_675d77e5b30a4f47b0bc159f939b0930.jpg
User avatar
Abi Emily
 
Posts: 3435
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 7:59 am

Post » Tue May 17, 2011 9:37 am

If anyone has trouble reading the print on the Black Horse Courier above (because I am having trouble reading it) let me know and I will use a different font on it.
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Jennifer Munroe
 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 12:57 am

Post » Tue May 17, 2011 2:17 am

I finally had the time to read through all of your edited first post. Very well done! Quite a bit of difference between now and before. It really shows how much your writing has come since then.

There are a few little things that could be fixed however.


That is where I met the woman who raised me.


This makes it sounds like Maxical is meeting the woman who has raised her since she was born. Perhaps you should say something like: That is where I met the woman who would raise me from now on.



Alix is an adventurer traveling around, but he never leaves us. I never once came in that he wasn't home.


If Alix is traveling around, how can he never leave? Maybe you should say he was formerly a traveling adventurer who has settled down?



I bragged, "bring me a mud crab or rat and I will show you a good fight!"


This would probably go better if you start with the dialogue. "Bring me a mud crab or rat and I will show you a good fight!" I bragged.



"gift from the Gods,"


I do not think you really need the quotation marks at all.


Other than those little nitpicks, I think it looks astounding. Now on to reading the next 9 pages... :twirl:
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Donald Richards
 
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