Oh I love the positive comments, but I need to hear the critique if I am to ever improve, that was an absolute failure to not describe him (even as you pointed out, everyone here knows what he looks like) because she had never seen him before, so she would have been startled by his appearance. Thank you so much Acadian, you are a gem!

Chapter 11: The Uderfryke Matron


I checked over the camp for anything I had missed in the dark last night, and then emptied out my pack. I re-packed everything carefully, taking stock of what I had. Between the two camps I had plenty of food to last a while. The armor of the bandits was better than my own, so I removed it from their bodies; donning one and folding the other into my pack along with the armor I had on. I would need money, and these could be sold.

Lucien Lachance had headed west when he left me, so I headed east. It was late in the day when I spotted another camp down below the ridge I stood on. I could not tell if the camp was abandoned, but there was no one around, so I headed down to it. It was a beautiful camp! It sat on top of a huge rock that jutted out from the side of the mountain, and almost appeared to be pointing at the spires of Imperial City, which could clearly be seen from here.

"Oh what a gorgeous spot!" I said, then instantly wished I had not spoken. Voices carry on the wind drawing enemy attention to you. Your scent will draw them in as well, so it's best not to increase your chances of being attacked by making noise. There are some pretty big beasts up in these mountains, some only talked about as legends in the textbooks at the Arcane.

A satchel of food that was preserved very well by the icy temperature this high up in the mountains lay near the tent. Beside the satchel was a journal. "Oh no, this camp is not abandoned!" I thought. I sat down to wait for the camp's owner, and read through his journal as I waited. By the dates in the journal I realized that the owner of this camp would not be returning. I laid claim to the camp by placing my pack inside the tent.

I needed a place to think, and this was the perfect spot. I sat down with my legs dangling over the edge of the rock and stared down at the spires of the Imperial City, trying to go over everything that had happened to me this past year.

How could I make so many mistakes in such a short time? It was like a snowball rolling down a hill, it started with that bandit robbing me, and ended here, with me a murderer about to join the Dark Brotherhood! Why had my life taken all these turns?

For the second time I wondered if the Daedric Gods were toying with my life for their own enjoyment and entertainment, or maybe the Gods we prayed to hate white Khajiit like the rest of the world did.

With my very soul I wished and prayed that I could take back this last year. I stayed sitting like that most of the night, just watching over Cyrodiil till the light of the day had gone, and then just staring into the vastness of the night sky.

It must have been around a month I spent at that camp, although I didn't count the days; a month spent just thinking, and allowing the beauty and solitude of the mountains to bathe me in their healing. I rarely left my camp other than to walk to the ridge above it and sit atop the icy peak. That was the closest place I could find to the heavens, and it was totally untouched by man. I could look down from there and see my camp, of course, and the Imperial City; but if I worked my way around to the other side of that peak, I could see Skyrim, so wild and untouched. It was said beasts that were centuries old lived there.

Looking down at Skyrim I thought so many times about leaving Cyrodiil for good, just climb down the opposite side into Skyrim. How freeing it would be to put my life here in Cyrodiil behind me forever, and just start afresh in a new land.

It was terribly cold on that peak, the wind would roar and howl through the valleys below and sweep up with powerful force, threatening to send me down the side; and that wind would blow right through armor as if it wasn't there at all. Your inhaled breath would shock your lungs with the chill it brought inside you; and yet the air was so clean to breathe that you welcomed each breath of it and knew it was cleansing your very blood. I felt like I was one with the elements, one with nature, and that the Gods may have made their peace with me on that peak. When the suns began to lower in the sky I would return to my camp and snuggle in my tent by the fire, letting it warm my bones that had turned to ice on the chill of that peak.

Sometimes I brought the journal I had found with me up to the peak, and would scrawl my thoughts down as I sat up there, or sometimes read again the words of the original journal. It spoke of a beast that was stalking them, a beast only known in legends. The man and his wife had tried every enchantment available to them, but all had failed. The man had discovered fire would harm the beast, but his wife never returned for him to warn her. I prayed the beast had made its way back to Skyrim.

Eventually I ran out of food, and food is not plentiful that high up in the mountains. I would have to either cut back to the bandit camp or head down into the lowlands. I chose the lowlands. I had seen what appeared to be a campsite below me, but it was a sheer drop. The slope was much easier to the east, so I loaded my pack and began the trek down.

I heard the sound of the creature before it struck me but never saw it, even after the attack. Within seconds it had my armor in shreds till it gave me no more protection than a dress would have. I couldn't fight something I couldn't see, instead had to listen for the sounds of it's feet on the snow or it's snorting breaths, then aim at nothing and hope it would hit something.

The creature was immune to my only blade, and I tried several different spells that the creature never took notice of. Then suddenly I remembered what the man had written in that journal. This had to be the same creature the man had written about, and he had mentioned fire.

The creature circled back around to run at me again. The sound of its weight on the snow told me it was larger than an Orc or bear. Oh how I wish I could see it to aim, but I could take no chance, it could be mauling me again any second! I cast the first fire spell I could find, a flare. The creature backed off with a scream. Thank Akatosh!

After that I cast Fireballs and Weakness to Fire spells till I was running low on magicka. I had to run and hide till I could get some magicka back. I could see no creature, but if I listened I could hear it searching for me. I crouched to make myself less visible, and as soon as I had the magicka I was pelting it with the fireballs again.

How I wish I had my full strength of magic like I had when I left the Arcane; this was a time for the Enemies Explode, but I could no longer cast it!

I could not chance changing armor for one not shredded; the creature would hear my movements, so there I was in tattered armor that would give me no protection. I had to stay so still for so long that my legs began to cramp; and the chill wind sweeping up the side of the mountain was turning my exposed skin to ice.

After what seemed an eternity the creature finally fell. Although the creature was still invisible, I could see its indentation in the snow. Feeling around, I cut it open hoping its meat would be edible. The beast was enormous and would feed me well for a long time.

"Ugh!" The creature contained the body of some woman it had devoured. There was no way I was going to eat it now! That could have been me next inside that being, if I had not gotten to the fire spell in time. As I was pulling my hands out, something hard brushed against my hand and a dim light glowed off it. I touched it again and it glowed again, so I tugged on it. It was an enchanted bow! The poor girl had tried (like I had) to use frost against the beast, it hadn't even phased it. I cleaned off the bow with the snow, I may need it.

As the life force drained out of the beast, its invisibility edged away, and soon it could be seen clearly. What I saw nearly caused me to faint on the spot, it was the Uderfryke Matron! At the Arcane we had learned of this creature, yet it was said to be just a legend. I was very lucky to be alive. I hurriedly scavenged it's lair, finding bodies strewn, some still with armor on that was in better shape than my own, which was now broken and I could not repair without hammers. I donned the other armor and then headed down the trail. My legs were like jelly, but I was not sticking around to find out if there were more of those beasts!

Skirting back over to the west I found the camp I had seen, and readied myself for a fight. To my surprise, it was a friendly face that greeted me. He said the camp belonged to a trainer in acrobatics named Aeron, but that Aeron had not been seen in a long time; I was welcome to join him for a meal, and I did. I told him about the creature I had encountered over the dinner he cooked. The meal wasn't tasty, but it was hearty and filling. When you are hungry, you can't ask for more than that.

Before I left his camp, he filled my pack with food, so I headed back up the mountain. I didn't go back to my camp though; instead I started walking east, and then continued on, going south to the Valus Mountains.

For the next month or so I stayed up in either the Jerall or Valus Mountains, just walking the ridges, sometimes cutting down to the lowlands to gather some food. I slept when I found a bed, and ate whatever I found to eat. I lost track of the days up there, one day seemed to just fold into the next.

At first I did a lot of thinking about everything; then I reached a point where I stopped thinking about anything. I only knew I never wanted to go back to the pain of facing people again. I know I smelled bad; there was no water up here to bathe in. My hair was in a tangled knot from not having been brushed out in so long. If anyone saw me now, I doubt they would recognize me.

The armor I scavenged off the lair of the Uderfryke was made of fur, and covered every inch of me except my face in its delicious warmth. It didn't give as much protection for fighting as the leather had, but up here in the icy peaks it gave protection against the cold, and blended in with the terrain a lot better. From a distance, someone may think they just saw an animal. Looking back on that time in the mountains, I am not sure they wouldn't be far from wrong about that. I lived quite as an animal, and know I smelled the equal of any beast that I shared these mountains with.

One night as I sat by my fire to warm, I pulled out that journal I had found so long ago at that campsite on the rock, and began reading it. At the end of the man's writing in the journal I read the words I had added my first few days up on that peak above the beautiful camp. The words I'd written were a poem not of my writing; but one I had learned it at the Arcane by the famous poet Linkin Park.

The author had described so closely my own feelings over my life, 'twas as if he had been watching my life as he wrote the words. I sat reading the poem again, although I knew it by heart; mouthing the words as I read.*

"It starts with one thing, I don't know why;
it doesn't even matter how hard you try.

Time is a valuable thing.
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings;
Watch it count down to the end of the day
the clock ticks life away.

I Didn't look out below;
Watched the time go right out the window.
Tried to hold on, I didn't even know;
I wasted it all just to watch you go.

I kept everything inside, and even though I tried it all fell apart.
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time
when I tried so hard and got so far,
but in the end it doesn't even matter.
I had to fall to lose it all,
but in the end it doesn't even matter

One thing I don't know why,
It doesn't even matter how hard you try.
In spite of the way you were mocking me;
acting like I was part of your property;
remembering all the times you fought with me,
I'm surprised that it got so far

Things aren't the way they were before;
you wouldn't even recognize me anymore.
Not that you knew me back then,
but it all comes back to me in the end.

I kept everything inside and even though I tried,
it all fell apart.
What it meant to me will eventually be
a memory of a time when I tried so hard.

I've put my trust in you,
pushed as far as I can go.
For all this
there's only one thing you should know;
I tried so hard."

The poem spoke so clearly of my feelings, and I wondered if the author had suffered the same fates; had he found any answer? Would I find answers? I folded the journal up and laid my head back against the mat; keeping my feet close to the campfire.

Laying there that night, I decided to go home. No conclusions had been reached, no answers found. I was just tired and lonely, and I wanted to go home.


* (In The End by Linkin Park - abridged)







* (In The End by Linkin Park - abridged)

:read: Wonderful! A time of reflection - interrupeted! This is settling into a lovely, long storyline. I like Maxical very much.

***Um? lets start with a couple minor things that we might improve a bit - getting harder to find now. Remember, I'm trying to be picky because I like your writing so much. Work on it, but dwell more on the positive comments.

Magicka, not magica. 3 times in the middle of the story.


Whew! This mega sentence needs to be broken up. Perhaps: 'Although the creature was still invisible, I could see its {its, not it's} indentation in the snow. Feeling around, I was able to cut it open, hoping the meat would be edible. 'Twas an enormous beast and would feed me well for a long time!' {its = possessive; it's = contraction for it is}


May be just me, but I found the use of 'equally' awkward here.

***Now the great stuff.


This creates a nice image. (You have an extra 'the' in the first part though.)


I liked this very much.


This is one example, but your story is replete with descriptions that made me want to reach for a coat. You brought the cold to life throughout the story. Well done!


I thought about that for a moment. I concluded you mean the Faregyl Inn and S'Jirra. If I'm right, all is good. If I am wrong, then I have missed reading something or you have missed writing something.

I hope you have fun with this and keep the updates coming.

Edit: Oops. I posted my critique as you edited the story adding the nice poem and such. Oh well.

Yes, she is missing her Mama.

I would like to thank you. You have given me a reason to play The Elder Scrolls Oblivion again. Your story has rekindled my love for creating the lives for my characters. I may lack the courage to present their stories on these fourms but you! You have delivered a wonderful tale known as the life of Maxical. I have followed the lives of many characters in these fourms, but Maxical's story has pulled emotion from me, something I did not think possible after reading many horrid stories.

The only problems that I have with the story itself would be word choice, a matter of preferance really. Any other problems have been hammered out by fellow writers, leaving behind an absolute gem of a story. Please continue this fantastic tale soon.

Thank you so very much! If there is a word choice which is bad I hope you will share it with me; the critiques really help, as you can probably tell in reading the subsequent chapters!

Ok, I reviewed the tail end of the story after you did your big edit. The addition of the poem flowed right in to the story as if it belonged there - well done.

And a lovely poem at that.

I just read this all today and I loved it! Seriously, this is my favourite fan fiction on the Elder Scrolls. It's easy to understand and the description helped me picture the words. I know you want criticism but I no good at that. All I can say really is that you don't rush and take in the criticism that the others have gave you
Have fun.

Thanks, I was wondering if you would critique the edit I had done. I cut out a good portion of that poem, which was made into a song, by the way.

Thank you very much, I appreciate that a lot!

Chapter 12: Rumors of Murder


During the two months that followed the Grand Championship bout; all Cyrodiil was in an uproar; not just over the defeat of the Gray Prince, but the subsequent disappearance of the new Grand Champion, the Divine Avenger.

The theory that she had thrown herself upon the Gray Prince's blade in her anguish over his death; and that Owyn had carried her lifeless body from the Arena held strongly amongst the citizens of Cyrodiil, especially those that had witnessed the bout. The fact that the new Grand Champion was never seen again supported this theory; and it was widely believed. The problem of course being that no body was ever reported, nor ever turned up.

The order for an investigation into the disappearance came down from Chancellor Ocato himself, and an investigative team was formed consisting of the elder and more experienced guards. Everyone who had been seen in the Arena district that night was to be questioned. Of course, it being the Grand Championship bout and the Arena filled to beyond its capacity this would be an almost impossible task; so they began at the Arena itself and began working their way out from there in an ever-widening symmetrical pattern.

A buff young son of one of the investigative team was recruited to work undercover within the Bloodworks itself posing as a hopeful contender; his real purpose of course was to try to find information or a body.

The first thing he discovered was Maxical's sack of winnings and the two letters inside Owyn's cabinet. Nearby where Owyn usually stood he found a crumpled letter from someone called Branwen which read:

"Owyn,
I know you don't believe me. I know you think I'm just some stupid kid who doesn't know what she's talking about. But the truth is the truth -- you ARE my father.
One night with a scullery maid is all it takes. Or maybe your father deserted you, too, and never taught you the basic lessons of life? Anyway, the past is long forgotten. What matters now is that you come to terms with the truth. I am your daughter, and I will join the Arena as a combatant. Maybe someday, when I'm Grand Champion, you'll see that we have the same blood, the same tenacity. Until then day comes, I'll train every moment of every day. All I want, all I ever wanted, was to make you proud.
Your loving daughter,

Branwen"

He left both the winnings and the letters where they lay, but made note of where he had spotted them, and the contents of all three letters.

The gossip the recruit picked up from the Pit Dogs was that Owyn had chased everyone out of the Bloodworks right after copious amounts of blood was seen pouring from the Grand Champion's lifeless body.

The Pit Dogs had been shocked that Owyn had also demanded Andronicus leave the Bloodworks that evening; since he was supposedly in love with her and had asked her to marry him (although she had turned him down). Owyn had been heard by many to have threatened to kill anyone who was rude to Andronicus.

Andronicus herself had been very angry when Owyn had thrown her out that night, especially angry that he had stayed behind alone with the Grand Champion, it being a she.

The recruit's lack of training in investigative work can be blamed for his not taking into account the extreme youth of the Pit Dogs; and so the exaggerations in their telling were believed to be fact.

He next gleaned the information that Maxical had been healed prior to this blood being seen spouting from her; meaning that she had to have been mortally wounded inside the Bloodworks itself. Everyone said that Owyn had been bending over her, blocking their view of what he was doing with his large bulk.

The information the other members of the team gathered showed that Owyn had been seen leaving the Arena Bloodworks quite a while after he had chased everyone out, not just by the guards themselves, but by a young blonde lad who was seen standing outside the gates to the Arena and questioned.

Andronicus was cleared in the investigation, as she had become quite drunk and made a public spectacle of herself at the Feed Bag, ending up being taken in by the watch that night.

Only one person claimed to have seen Maxical outside of the Arena grounds after that fight, and that was a guard. He claimed he saw her heading out the gate to the west, and that she had turned off and headed down toward the water.

His claim that she left the Arena grounds was hotly disputed by that young lad who was hanging outside the Arena gates that night (and every night since) hoping to catch a glimpse of the Grand Champion; who swore under oath that she never left out of that gate, or he would have seen her.

When questioned further the lad went on to say that some time after Owyn had left the Bloodworks; first a man came asking about the Grand Champion, and he had gone inside and come back out in less than a minute. Shortly after that a Mage had crashed into the Bloodworks. The Mage had stayed in there a while, and upon exiting had questioned him about the Divine Avenger; his questioning being after he had been inside the Bloodworks itself.

The guards had no doubt as to the identity of the Mage, and by the lad's description correctly guessed the man to be Alix Lencolia.

The young lad's story was confirmed by other guards who had seen Fathis exit the Arena and soon leave the Imperial City, followed some time later by Alix Lencolia, but some time thereafter Fathis had returned.

Some of the Imperial Legion mounted force were called in and verified seeing Fathis Aren riding hell-bent down the road toward his tower, and then shortly returning in the same fashion. Guards had seen him re-enter the Imperial City, and all verified he had questioned them about whether they had seen Maxical.

The guard who claimed to have seen Maxical outside the Arena grounds was re-questioned based on this new information; and he recounted his experience with Fathis Aren that night, and how after being given the information Fathis expression had changed to that of a "cat in the cream jar." Other guards confirmed that the guard had told them this same information the night of the Grand Championship bout.

As both versions of what happened that night were confirmed by witnesses, the investigative team was hard put to come up with one solid theory. On the one hand the witness was a guard, a very credible witness. The lad may not be credible, but his story had been backed by guards as well, making his version also credible.

At this point the buff youth that had been working undercover in the Bloodworks was called in to tell what he had found out.

After reviewing all the information they had gathered, and based mainly on the information brought in by the undercover operative in the Bloodworks, the investigation aim was changed over from missing person to homicide. Owyn was the prime suspect; his possible motives being either the winnings from the Grand Championship bout, love, or both.

The theory floated was that Owyn had succumbed to the charms of the white Khajiit, she being known to have a powerful effect over men based on what the guards had already from the gossip that had centered around her since she came to the Imperial City. The rumors of her affair with Fathis and the Orc were common knowledge to everyone.

It was possible Owyn had sent her into the ring believing she could not beat the Gray Prince; and had wagered his all on the Gray Prince beating her, thereby sweetening the revenge for his broken heart that she had chosen the Orc over himself. When she had beaten the Gray Prince, Owyn had slain her in a fit of jealousy after seeing her tears over the Orc; and from anger at the loss of his Septims he had wagered.

Had Owyn reported her death, her wounds would have been attributed to the bout itself, but as he didn't, the investigation had uncovered the fact that she had been healed after the fight; and that the blood shed in the Bloodworks were from wounds inflicted on her in there.

Why would Owyn have disposed of the body instead of reporting it? The Grand Champion's winnings which sat inside his cabinet. Had he reported her death, the winnings would have been sent to S'Jirra and Alix, they being considered Maxical's family. He must have wagered on a different outcome, and needed those Septims badly to re-coup his losses.

The guards set up surveillance on Owyn at this point. His every step outside the Bloodworks was to be recorded. This netted little information, however; as Owyn rarely left the Bloodworks.

They determined the Khajiit's body had to either be in the Bloodworks, or Owyn had somehow managed to secret her body out, possibly in little pieces, since on the night in question he had left the Bloodworks, a thing he rarely did.

Another change in the investigation took place at this time. The guard who claimed to have seen Maxical that night was put under investigation as a possible accomplice.

Owyn was not seen leaving the Imperial City that night, only the Arena grounds. No one else but this guard claimed to have seen Maxical outside the Arena grounds. The possibility that Owyn had bribed the guard's silence while he slipped down to the Rumare and disposed of the body was beginning to dawn on the investigative team.

This theory seemed to be panning out due to the fact that the guard seemed to come into some money that night. The fact that the Septims could have come from selling information about Fathis Aren was discounted; in fact it was believed he had done this to cover up his bribe earnings.

Suspicions were rampant, but without a body they were hard-pressed to proceed with their investigation. They decided the Rumare and any waters or wood in the surrounding area must be dragged for a body.

All the searching in the area produced was a lot of guards in the sick bay from slaughter fish bites and the rotting corpse of a zombified Nath Dyer, an apparent suicide over a lost love.







Chapter 12B: Pray To The Dragon


It was early the next morning when Alix returned home after the Grand Championship bout. S'Jirra was waiting up for him, frantic.

"What happened? What is going on? Fathis came by here looking for Maxical, but he left shortly after, where is she?" S'Jirra wasn't giving Alix time to answer one question before she asked the next.

"I think Fathis came and got her to bring her to his 'Tower of Love.' I guess this is it then, Fathis is to be our new son." Alix said in a reserved voice.

"Oh no." S'Jirra said.

Alix wasn't going to tell S'Jirra about what he saw on Maxical's face last night before the match. He had done a lot of thinking about what he had witnessed between Maxical and the Gray Prince last night, sitting beside that dead Orc for so long.

Maybe there were worse things than her being with Fathis. Alix would rather have her alive and living with someone like Fathis who would make her miserable than see her dead.

Alix didn't know the reason why, but he knew as sure as he lived that Maxical and that Gray Prince had a pact between them to end each other's lives. Alix just knew it by the expressions on both their faces.

But why would Maxical want to die? Why? Was it because she loved the Orc and didn't want to fight him?

Alix had seen them salute swords and then Maxical had counted to three and shut her eyes. She didn't want to see the Orc's face when she hit him, or didn't want to see his blade coming, or both.

But then she had swung her blade. Why? Unless they had a pact to go together, and the big Orc couldn't do it to her. Were they in love?

Alix didn't have any prejudice about mixing races, he would have been glad to welcome the big blue Orc into his family as long as he loved Maxical and treated her well. Could Maxical possibly have thought he wouldn't? And maybe she would rather die than be without him? Why wouldn't she have asked first?

S'Jirra interrupted his chain of thought. "Fathis told me Maxical won, does that mean she is the new Grand Champion?"

"Yes, that is what it means. S'Jirra, where are the letters we've gotten from Maxical?" Alix asked bluntly. He had to think, and didn't want to talk.

S'Jirra picked up on the tone of his voice and went and got the letters from their room. She poured him a glass of wine and hugged him.

"Is it anything I can help you with? Do you want to tell me what is wrong? Is it about Maxical?" S'Jirra was getting frightened.

"No, it is just that I didn't get a chance to talk to her, and I miss her badly. Do you mind?" It wasn't a lie, Alix hated to lie.

S'Jirra hugged him and went on to bed, leaving the letters with Alix.

Alix poured over each of the three letters they had received from Maxical carefully, looking for any hidden clues. Maxical had mentioned the Gray Prince, Agronak a lot, but she spoke of him in terms of a dear friend only. She wrote of looking for Fathis and wondering if he would be at the fights. She spoke of her love for Fathis. Other than that the letters spoke mainly of Owyn and life in the Bloodworks; that and asking how he and S'Jirra did. Alix was stumped. Maxical did not sound lovelorn over the Orc.

Alix went to Maxical's room and looked around. Her silver dagger lay shining on the dresser, the one she had brought with her as a baby. That dagger meant so much to her. The memories of her back then overwhelmed him. He could see her staggering into the inn, all dirty and matted, carrying that dagger and nothing else and looking like a wild cat. He remembered the day she bragged to him about the fighting moves the guard had taught her and proudly showing them to him. His little warrior.

Alix dropped to his knees still clutching the letters and the dagger and prayed to Akatosh to protect his kit as the sobs racked his body so he could hardly say the words. Pulling the letters and dagger close to his heart he stayed there on the floor of her room and cried till the daylight began coming through the curtains.

***

S'Jirra sat in bed listening. She heard Alix get up and go into Maxical's room. What she heard after that sent chills down her spine. What in the world had happened? Was Alix that upset that she was going to marry Fathis? No, it couldn't be that. Alix had even invited the man to stay here. Then what?

S'Jirra would never press Alix to talk when he was in one of these moods. It meant he had to think, but think about what? It obviously had to do with Maxical.

S'Jirra knew that when Alix went silent to think, something was very serious. Something serious about Maxical? What?

S'Jirra pushed her face into the pillow so Alix wouldn't hear her crying. In fear for her kit she did something she never did, she prayed to Akatosh. Whatever was going on that Alix knew about, it had to be bad if he wouldn't tell her, and it had to be about Maxical.

***





Chapter 12C: The Official Visit



When two Imperials from the investigative team showed up on the doorstep of the Faregyl Inn; they pretended to be just stopping in for some potato bread and a pint of ale.

Alix busied himself with his boots while he looked them over. They were not wearing the same uniform as the normal guards that stopped in. Their boots were not worn out. They were clean and well fed. Clean fingernails. Decent haircuts.

Alix glanced over at S'Jirra. She caught the glance. Whoever these were, they were not guards. But they were definitely official.

The Imperials tried to ease out information about Maxical, Owyn, Fathis Aren, and the Gray Prince by way of talking about the Grand Championship fight itself.

"Boy, no one thought that Orc could be beat; but that white Khajiit sure showed 'em!"

S'Jirra and Alix glanced at each other, then they looked back at the guards without speaking, trying to draw them out into revealing what they were really there for. Abhuki just continued to wipe down her counter, staring at the men.

The guards tried again. "I say, did you get to see the Grand Championship fight? That was really somethin' what?" Dead silence.

Alix continued to work on his boot and S'Jirra busied herself with her jumbo potatoes.

"Say, that white Khajiit used to live at this Inn, didn't she? I'd sure like to see where the New Grand Champion grew up"

Abhuki brought their tab for their meal over and slammed it down on the table. "Pay at the counter." Abhuki said in her snarliest Khajiit voice.

The two Imperials shared a glance. They had already planned what to do in this event, and so both requested rooms for the night when they brought the tab up to the counter.

"Sorry, we only have one room available, unless you care to double up" Abhuki said, her tone of voice negating the 'sorry' at the beginning of her speech.

"We don't mind, that will be fine."

Abhuki glanced over at Alix. He gave the slightest nod. Abhuki rented the room to the men. "Top of the stairs to the right, and you share what is in there. I'm not making any special trips to bring you extra soap and towels. And keep your boots off the bed"

The fact that the men didn't complain about the lousy treatment to paying customers spoke volumes to Alix. Something was up, and it was serious. Was his kit in trouble? What kind of trouble?

S'Jirra glanced at Alix and saw he was concentrating on a spot on his boot, appeared to be obsessed with polishing it to a glossy shine, which would definitely not have matched the rest of the boot.

"Uh oh." S'Jirra thought. She waited till the Innkeeper brought the men up to their room and whispered to Alix, "Why are those men asking about my kit?" Where is she? What has happened to her?"

S'Jirra and Alix had not worried when they hadn't heard from Maxical in a few weeks. She had no more fights scheduled and had left the Arena. They both assumed Maxical was with Fathis at her tower, 'honeymooning,' especially since Fathis had not been seen once during this period..

But to have high ranking Imperials questioning about Maxical, and in such a contrived way! Something was terribly wrong.

Alix took S'Jirra by the shoulders in a firm but comforting grip. "I will find out, don't worry. She is my kit too. You keep to our room and lock the door. Have Abhuki sleep in there with you tonight."

"Goodnight Abhuki, thanks for the dinner." Alix said and walked out the door.

S'Jirra had every faith in Alix, but she was still worried. She and Abhuki grabbed everything that looked like it might possibly be used as a weapon in the room with them. They bolted the door behind them. Neither could sleep.

Alix didn't know what those two Imperials were up to, but he planned to find out. He was not comfortable at all with them asking questions. Was Maxical in some kind of trouble? If so, why had they not come out and said so? Something was terribly wrong.

Alix pretended to leave the Inn, but then looped back around through the woods and crept back in through the basemant window. He had a tiny room down there he slept in when guests came. He crept upstairs where he could see the whole corridor and waited. He didn't have to wait long before the guards tiptoed out of their room and began searching the Inn.

Alix confronted them as they were about to enter Maxical's private bedroom. "And where do you think you are going? These are the private quarters!" Alix said, blocking their way into Maxical's room.

"Stand aside, sir!" the older guard said, "This is an investigation!"

"An investigation for what?" Alix asked, his tone clearly stating the anger that was rising in him. Alix was more scared than angry.

"This is a murder investigation sir! Now stand back!"

S'Jirra's door burst open at this, and she came barreling out. "You won't be coming in here accusing my kit of murder!" she said, her fur standing out like a lion's mane in her rage.

"We're not, she didn't, she is the victim, don' ya' know?" stuttered the younger of the two.

S'Jirra's scream of agony split the night before she crumpled to a heap on the floor. Alix scooped her up into his arms and laid her on Maxical's bed, then pulled the door to the room shut, pushing the two guards out of the room. Alix stood in front of the door so the men couldn't go back in it without going through him.

Abhuki was standing behind the men with a spatula raised in one hand and a broom in the other.

"You better tell me if something has happened to our kit!" he demanded. "What was with all these games, why would you not come right out and tell us if our kit was hurt! You better tell me right now what is going on!" Alix was shouting by the last words, his temper rising rapidly from the pain and fear that gripped his heart.

"We can't tell you anything, already said too much with the investigation being ongoing.." the guards words got no further as he saw that his own death would be imminent should he not divulge what he knew. Back here in these woods there would be no witnesses that would tell; these types of people stuck together.

"I'm not at liberty to say, but seeing as how you are attached to the Grand Champion; well, I can't see how you couldn't help but notice she has been missing. Since no reports of her absence had come from her family, we thought we'd come and have a look-see, we did"

"You think we would hurt our kit?" Alix demanded, incredulous.

"Not you sir, not the missus either. We know who done it, we thought there must be a reason you folks had not talked of her disappearance, when the rest of the town talks of nothing else!"

"We thought she was with Fathis!" S'Jirra broke in. She had come to and had been listening at the door to Maxical's room. "Has that Fathis hurt my kit?" she demanded.

"Not Fathis Ma'am. He's been cleared. We can't say who we think did it, not with the investigation ongoing. We need to see if there is anything in her room that she may have left, or letters she's written that might be used as evidence against the man, or clear him."
"She's not been here since long before she even joined the Arena." Alix said, "You won't find anything in her room. I'll show you her letters when you show me some proof of who you are."

"Maxical is really dead? Where is she! I don't believe she could be dead!" S'Jirra was getting hysterical again, and Alix pulled her close to him and held her as she sobbed. Inside he felt like doing the same thing, but was holding on to his emotions as strongly as he could, for S'Jirra's sake. Abhuki started yowling at the top of her lungs, gripping onto S'Jirra's back.

***




Chapter 12D: Fathis Comes To Court


Two weeks had passed since the night of the Grand Championship bout. Fathis had spent these two weeks in his tower to avoid the nosy guards over at the Castle Bravil. For some reason lately they had seemed to be at his elbows every step he took. He had caught them listening at his door several more times, each time with an inane excuse for their presence. Because of his isolation in the tower, Fathis had not heard the rumors of the disappearance of Maxical.

He was sure S'Jirra would tell Maxical that he had been there the night of the fight, and that these past two weeks would have been spent with Maxical anxiously awaiting his return. His plan was to sweep her off her feet, then sweep her off to the tower to consummate their love. He would carry her there personally on his own steed. Tonight would be the night he would take her!

Fathis knew they would have to spend the night at an Inn on the way to the tower, and had already planned on stopping in Aleswell for the night. It was only a short trip from the Faregyl Inn, but it was the cleanest and best Inn along the roads they would be traveling, and there would be no over-protective parents in the next room.

Fathis made his way back to his castle quarters and drew himself a luxurious bath and lavishly doused the bathwater with the scent he liked to wear. When he had air dried after stepping out of the bath, he once again took the bottle of scent and dabbed it in several places on his body.

The sound of choking came from his door, so he cast a spell against the door to scare away the guards that were obviously eavesdropping there. What was wrong with the guards in the castle lately? Had they all gone insane?

Fathis looked through his wardrobe and chose his finest velvet robe; one of the deepest purple, the opening and collar draqed with a thick white fur and gold tassels hanging off the shoulders; a robe that (in his opinion) looked as elegant as any the Emperor owned.

When Fathis arrived at the Faregyl Inn that day; all that lacked from it being a royal entrance would have been outriders. He entered the Inn floating across the floorboards of the Inn as if his feet were not even touching the ground. He was here for his bride!

His grand entrance was interrupted by S'Jirra, who threw herself on his chest crying. "They said Maxical is murdered, she hasn't been seen since the night you were here last; they think someone has murdered her!" she cried. "Please find her and bring her home to me!" S'Jirra cried.

Fathis was in shock, and had a hard time getting the details from S'Jirra, she was crying too hard to be understood. Abhuki was bawling too, and was even harder to understand.

"Where is Alix?" Fathis asked, hoping someone could tell him what was going on that was not sobbing so hard.

"Alix and the Forrester have both gone to find Maxical." S'Jirra sobbed out. Abhuki tried to throw herself on the other side of Fathis' chest to cry.

"I'll find her!" said Fathis hurriedly, removing himself from the Inn quickly.

Fathis went straight from the Inn to the Imperial City, still in his glorious robe. His first stop was the Bloodworks.

Andronicus ogled him in his purple robe. "You look finer than a golden Septim!" she declared loudly. " Mmmm, you smell good enough to draw the rats all the way from Leyawiin!" She raised her eyebrows at him several times, and then attempted a wink.

Fathis drew himself up. "Not on your best day!" he thought to himself curling his lip at her.

When Fathis talked to Owyn he found him to be very concerned that no one had heard from Maxical, but when Fathis informed Owyn that the guards had been to S'Jirra saying Maxical was dead; Owyn's concern turned to shock.

"Dead? Dead? Who could kill her, she beat the Gray Prince!" Owyn was sickened by the news. He told Fathis how he had come to the Bloodworks the day after the Grand Championship bout and found Maxical gone, her money up on his cabinet, the door splintered like someone had kicked it in. No one had seen or heard from her since, what could have happened?

Fathis face flushed, but otherwise he gave no indication he knew anything about the kicked in door.

Neither Owyn or Fathis noticed the young Pit Dog watching them from the corner of the wall, drinking in everything that was said between them.

Fathis then went to the Market District to see if the Golden Armor had been picked up. Maro fell on the floor laughing when he saw Fathis (in what he later termed as "his royal highnesses marital robes"); Varnado just stared bug eyed at the spectacle. The Golden Armor still hung in the shop, and neither had seen Maxical.

"The armor is not for sale till we hear from her" they both said at the same time.

For the next month Fathis had traveled around looking for her, but was never able to find a soul who had seen her. He began popping up in the cities throughout Cyrodiil, hoping to find even word of anyone who had seen her, no one had.

On numerous occasions Fathis stopped by the Faregyl Inn to see if S'Jirra had heard anything. She never had, and she was frantic for news of her kit.

When Fathis checked out the Wizard's Tower, as soon as he walked in the door he sensed she had been there; although there was nothing tangible to prove it.

"Is it my mind playing tricks on me? Was she here or is it my imagination?" he searched every inch of the tower, but could find no trace, only a feeling when he stood by the Atronach altar.

"She must be alive!" he thought with relief. The fear had been great in him that she had drowned herself in grief over the loss of the Gray Prince.

As Fathis left the tower, he noticed a familiar figure walking the path that wound along the top of the ridge the tower sat on. "Alix Lencolia!" Fathis declared surprised. It was unheard of for Alix to be seen outside the Faregyl Inn, for all he declared himself an adventurer. Everyone knew the only adventures he had experienced in years were in the bedroom of S'Jirra. Fathis knew Alix was looking for Maxical, but assumed he would look in the cities, and was shocked to see him up here in the wilds of the Jerall Mountains.

Alix approached and they exchanged greetings. Alix filled Fathis in on all he knew of Maxical's disappearance, which wasn't much, or near enough information for the family that loved her. Fathis was aghast, although he could not help but feel relief that his name had been cleared from any suspicions. Alix told him that the Imperial Legion Forrester that stayed at the Inn had contacted all the Forestry department and they were searching for Maxical as well. "We all must hope she is alive!" Alix said. Fathis agreed.

"Fathis, you have connections in the Mages Guild which none of us could ever dream to have. Would it be an imposition to ask you to speak to Arch Mage Traven, maybe the Mages Guild could help find her?" Alix did not like to be humble, but in his concern for Maxical did not care if he had to be humble to a mud crab.

"I will!" said Fathis, kicking himself for not having thought of it himself. They parted ways; Fathis went straight to the Mages Guild and spoke to Arch Mage Traven. Traven agreed, and he was sorry to hear all this had occurred. A contingency of Battle Mages was sent out to aid in the search for Maxical.

Alix continued the way he had been heading. He came to a small camp shortly and looked around. As he did he saw the spires for the Tower Fathis had just left. Then he looked back at the campsite. It was devoid of any supplies. Alix continued heading east. He soon found a bandit camp with two rotting corpses in it. They had been dead quite some time. They were killed by a Mage. Alix started crying and thanking Akatosh.

***



None of the Imperial Legion Mounted patrols had seen Maxical, but the sight of Fathis in his "royal robes" was seen frequently by all the guards that patrolled the roads.

The theory that Fathis killed Maxical, and afterwards had gone completely mad, dressing up in royal robes and riding all over Cyrodiil was fast becoming the gossip of the hour amongst the citizens.



Then the day came when the recruit who was working undercover in the Bloodworks found a small hip bone in Pork Chop's mouth. Pork Chop was Owyn's pet boar.

That was the day Owyn was arrested for the murder of Maxical. The guards took the hip bone for evidence, Maxical's sack of winnings, and all three letters that were found, even the letter from the person called Branwen.

Owyn was hauled off and placed in the Imperial Prison. A short time later the guard that had claimed to see Maxical leave the city was stripped of his rank and uniform and thrown into the cell beside Owyn. The charges on him were impeding a murder investigation and accessory to murder.

Very nice, superb in fact. Unlike before, I would not change a single word. I do not see any mistakes, however in my condition im not sure of my judgement. I have contracted some form of Swine Ful so my heads kinda swimming, but I still stand by my praise. Also I would again like to thank you for turning my interests away from Fallout 3 and back to Oblivion. Please continue to shed light on the unfortunate life of Maxical.

Thank you so very much, and I do hope you feel better soon! That flu is sweeping through our area too.

Thank you for you concern, I do hope that you can escape this illness.

Firstly, congratulations. This was wonderful!

This is not the first time you have switched to third person for a particular story. Seamlessly done.

The whole concept of reporting on a murder investigation is a clever, creative approach.

At over 3800 words, this is by far your longest story. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but it might dissuade some less dedicated readers. I can think of at least one writer here who routinely posts updates that long - and with great success. By providing clear breaks via ***********, you minimized the potential problems for those who might be daunted by its length. Also, when it's as darn good as this is, it makes it easy to read. So the length is fine here. I like 1500-2000 words when possible, but sometimes stories are as long as they are. Early in your drafting is the time to consider whether to morph something like this into two stories. No worries, just a thought for the future.


I think I know what you mean here, but I struggled a bit with it. Normally I would think of raising my voice as a result of my temper overriding my pain. Maybe just me though?.
:whisper: By the way, this is the only thing I could find to even attempt to nitpick about - and as you know, I have been relentlessly picky with your writing.







These are just three of countless passages, where I was struck by your creatively effective use of words. Although I have barely mentioned it previously, your choice of words has sometimes been odd, occasionally awkward, not matching the situation or 'over the top'. I hoped that your use of words would evolve on its own as you wrote more, and read the work of others. It has indeed! That aspect of your writing has transformed to a real plus at this point.

mALX, this is your best effort. :trophy:
Just marvelous. I look forward to your next update!

Thank you so much Acadian, that means a lot to me!

I almost went back and changed "sunny day" to "your best day" - it was bothering me badly.

Also, on the pain over-riding the anger - I saw that too, and had edited the text so many times that the forum kicked me off. I will definately fix it.

After I posted and began proofreading it I realized how long it was, my apologies everyone, and I will try to keep it shorter in the future.

Thank you, I do to.

Hoo.

Just back from recovering from the 24 hour flu.

Max, in addition to being a good storyteller of the basic plot, you can branch out and seamlessly insert a detective investigation as well?

I AM IMPRESSED!!!

Will post more later when I have more strength...

I am so sorry to hear you are ill! Well it is getting around, and I hope you get better soon! Thanks for the kind words!

Chapter 13: A Knife in the Dark


When I finally climbed down the mountainside to rejoin civilization the first thing I did was to bathe in the Topal Bay. The water felt good, being clean felt glorious after so long living in my own filth.

I followed the shore till I could see a town ahead, and knew it must be Leyawiin. I had never been here before, but knew its proximity to the Black Marsh, which I had been able to see clearly from the ridge of the Valus Mountain where I had stood for almost an hour finding the courage to once again enter civilization.

Even the thought that I would face only strangers could not give me the courage needed to walk into that town. The only people I could cope with seeing at this moment were my own, ?my own.

I felt like soldiers must feel coming home after a long battle; alienated from the world and only wanting the comfort of the few people that knew every flaw and misdemeanor but loved me in spite of them. My Alix and S'Jirra, the only two people in this world that could make things right again.

A vision of Alix face brought an overwhelming feeling of homesickness. Tears flooded my face, and still I could not find the courage to face the strangers in and around that town.

Finally I made the decision to swim the channel across the mouth of the Topal Bay and cut up through the heavy wooded area; avoiding all human contact until I could reach home.

The swim was easy enough; only a couple bites from a slaughter fish. The woods were filled with brambles, each filled with barbs that pierced my flesh even through the fur armor, catching it and tearing it. I had to move in closer to the roads to avoid them.

My head was beginning to swim and my leg ached where the slaughter fish had bitten. I was sure I had caught some disease from the creature but had no way to cure it.

There was no cover on this side of the road, so when I heard the "Clop-clop" of an Imperial legionnaire patrolling the roads I darted across the road to the other side where the woods would hide my presence from the sharp eyes of the mounted guard. I was trying to walk north through the woods but could not concentrate. My head began spinning badly now and a weakness was taking over.

Suddenly I heard a sound like a howling wind being svcked into the mouth of a cave and I was blasted dead in the face by a bolt of lightning. I couldn't see the enemy, my sight was blinded by the blast and I was reeling and staggering in circles.

The blurred vision cleared a bit and I saw a bear. That was a conjured bear, so where was the conjuror?

It was a Spriggan! I saw her drawing herself up again for another blast at me and quickly threw a fireball at her before she could finish drawing in her breath.

The bear was charging now, bellowing. I was too weak for acrobatics and ended up just staggering as I cast the second fireball before she could heal completely.

The bear's teeth sunk into my side and I felt myself being thrown to the ground by the impact. I tried to get up and cast another fireball at the Spriggan but missed her entirely and still was not completely on my feet when the bear struck again.

The Spriggan was drawing in her breath to heal, if she healed entirely I would be facing an enemy in full health while I was ready to collapse. It was do or die at this point. I cast three fireballs in a row and two hit her. She collapsed to the ground.

My magicka was gone now, so was my strength. I collapsed on my back to gather my strength up. After a few minutes I pulled myself over to a huge rock to use as cover till I could find the strength to get out of here.

As I was leaned against the rock I saw a large opening. "Uh Oh." I thought. The rock was a cave. Lying on the ground in front of the gaping mouth of the cave was an old beaten up sign that said "Mingo Cave."

The Arcane had taught us about Mingo cave, enemies like this world has never seen; Spriggans and glowing balls of gas -what were they called? I couldn't remember. But they stayed together in these caves along with other strange creatures. That meant more would be coming, I had to get out of here.

There was blackness around the edges of my vision and a haziness covered what I could see. I couldn't stand or heal, or even tell what direction I was crawling in, but crawl I did.

Not being able to fight is no time to be in an unknown wood, so when I finally found the road I clung to it and tried to figure out which way was north.

Trying to get my bearings was impossible. It felt like I was on a tiny boat in a rough sea with the dizziness. I couldn't even judge the grounds distance and with every few paces my face would plow into the hard dirt of the road. There was no way to stand up.

I thought I could see what appeared to be a building with a thatched roof ahead - home! The relief gave me the strength to force my hands and legs to keep moving till I reached the door and pushed it open. I just collapsed then, right inside the door.

When I awoke it was not to the familiar sights of my bedroom. I could barely move my head to either side it hurt so badly, but what I could see was not familiar. Then someone's face swam into view, a man I had never seen before. He cradled my head up and I felt water going down my throat. I choked, but as he started to pull the glass away I reached for it, and once again felt the glass on my lips. I drank it all down like a dying fish. The man lowered me back down.

"You just rest little lady. I'm just going to make you comfortable here now. Manheim will fix you right up. I'll have to leave in a little while and go to the Imperial City. I don't have any 'cure disease' or healing potions here, and that's what you need little lady. Manheim will take care of you, don't you worry. Now I'm locking this door so you aren't disturbed, but I'll be back for you, I promise."

The words seemed to be echoing around me, and the room was dipping and swaying.

"Where am I?" I tried to say. A clicking sound was the only answer.

"Who was that man? Where am I?" the thoughts kept whirling through my head and then the blackness once again closed in on me.

It felt like I lay like that, in and out of consciousness for days, but it could have been hours or minutes, I couldn't tell. It seemed just like my time in the mountains where the days and nights blended together and you could no longer judge time.

Whenever I would wake I would try to heal, but could not, nor cure the disease which was robbing me of my magicka and strength.

I woke up to the sound of someone moving around outside my room, then fiddling with the door lock. I felt around for my blade and found nothing - Nothing! I was naked! I tried to look around for my blade and armor but could not see anything but blurry shapes. The room looked like a painting that had been left in the rain and all the colors ran into each other.

The door was opened and I could hear someone moving around inside my room.

"Manny, Man?hiem? Is that you?" I detected movement in the haze that obscured my vision and could hear the sound of something heavy being moved.

"Manhiem ain't here. It's just you an' me." The blur left the room carrying something large - my pack?

I did not like the sound of his voice at all. The smell of stale body odor and over-use of alcohol was overwhelming. I felt my dizziness returning and the room began to spin. I must have passed out again.

When I awoke it was to the feel of someone pulling back the sheet that covered me and the body odor smell was filling my nose again. I tried to ready a spell but couldn't see to set one. Trying to gauge by feel, I hoped I set a fire spell. When I tried to cast it nothing happened, my magicka was too low for that spell, and there was no time to keep fiddling with it, the man was touching me! I unsheathed my claws and swiped with all my strength. I heard a bellow and the hand was removed. The roar was followed by cursing. Through a haze I saw him leaving through a doorway. My sheet felt wet and sticky and I lifted it up and saw red contrasting the white of the sheet.

"Blood, good." I thought.

I had to find my stuff and get out of here! Instead of using my magicka to heal I started testing spells, trying to find at least a flare. It was no good, my magicka was too low to keep trying. I needed my blade.

I pulled myself off the bed and crawled, feeling around for anything that could be used as a weapon. Nothing. Clinging to the wall I felt my way toward the door, my ears straining for every sound. The slurred cursing stopped. I waited. I heard what sounded like a growl, then heard it again. The third time I heard it I realized it was snoring.

I kept crawling toward the direction I had seen that man carry my pack. There was a short corridor with light coming into it on one side at the end. That had to be an open doorway.

I had to stop to rest, but was afraid to wait too long. As silently as I could I crawled toward that light. When I got to the room I could hear a man's snore coming from somewhere in the back.

As soon as I crossed the threshold the snoring stopped. I could not see the other end of the room that lay in darkness. I didn't move waiting for the snoring to start again. It didn't. I wished I could see whether the man had awoken.

The weakness was beginning to creep back over me, I had to do something. I cast my Night Eye. The man was still asleep but his face was turned toward me. One eye flicker and I would be seen, I couldn't take any chances.

While the blue light from my Night Eye glowed I glanced around the room. There was a mound on a nearby table, that had to be my pack. I started toward it, staring at the table instead of where I was going and crawled right into a stool.

The man stirred and sat up. I lunged toward the table and saw the flicker of light on steel.

"A blade! Thank Akatosh!" I thought as I grabbed it and turned quickly around to face the direction he would be coming from.

"You've come naked into my room, and now you won't be leaving it fur-licker. There's none to stop me!" the man said, I could hear by his sound that he was coming across the room. I heard the door slam shut. A terror I have never known gripped me then.

The room was beginning to sway and dip again. I clutched the blade with all my strength, keeping it close to my chest so he couldn't take it from me easily.

"That blade won't stop what I've a mind to do; don't fight me now, the last girl that did, she is as dead as a stone from it. Don't fight me now!"

His hand was reaching for the knife or my briast, and I didn't know which. "Stand back!" I tried to say it with authority, but the weakness that was sweeping over me gave me away and he was encouraged by it.

He was close enough that I could see the deep gashes my claws had left on his head. A leer came across his face. I could see he was breathing hard now, ragged breathing as if he was excited by my weakness. The look in his eyes was one I had never seen on a man. I was terrified! The fear or sickness was making me feel faint. I knew now what was going to happen, and I would rather die first. I started to turn the knife into my own chest and he grabbed my arm, jerking it hard but not hard enough to dislodge the blade.

Still holding my arm tightly he began to move in toward me, using my arm as a wedge to tip me backwards. I could not slash with the arm that held the blade for he had hold of that arm. Gathering all my strength I lunged up and grabbed the blade to my other hand.

An angry sound rose from his throat as he tried to grab the blade from me. I don't have strength in my left hand as I do my right and feared he'd be able to take the blade. With all my remaining strength I kicked upward as he was standing over me, unsheathing my claws as I did. The kick caught him where I wanted it to and he staggered back away from me doubled over, tiny drops of blood dotting the front of his pants.

"You'll die this day!" he roared; the pain he was in from my kick and claws was evident in his voice.

I could not stand, but I clutched the blade to me again and passed it back to my right hand. My breath was coming in ragged gasps as I fought to stay conscious. The blade was close enough to my face that through the haze in my vision I could see the words etched into the blade, "Blade of Woe" and the picture flashed in my mind of Lucien Lachance. Then suddenly I understood.

In that split second everything I had not listened to or pushed back from my mind that Lucien had said were revealed to me. This man was the one I was supposed to kill. And now I knew why the man was marked for death.

What was the girl's name he had tried to [censored] and ended up killing? I could not remember; all I remembered was that she was around my age and her father was Claudius Arcadia who was rotting in jail for praying to the night mother for this man's death. Then this man is Rufio, the man that no one could find!

I looked again at the blade in my hand but my decision was already made. I stayed where I was, gathering my strength and tried to look as weak and meek as possible.

When next he staggered up to me I looked up into that leering face and screamed "For Claudius Arcadia!" as I plunged the Blade of Woe into his groin and twisted it. If the man lived he would never [censored] again. His eyes had registered surprise right before they glazed over in death. I collapsed.




*** Rufio:


http://www.uesp.net/w/images/images.new/5/5b/OB-Rufio.jpg

This is an interesting addition to Maxical's story. I do indeed like how Maxical's initiation is unfolding, and would like to ask you, as a bit of a fanatic of the Dark Brotherhood storyline, is that the correct story for Rufio's marking?

(yes) You can visit Claudius Arcadia in the Imperial Prison and he will tell you some of the information. Break into his house and find his journal for some more information. Then there is a back issue of the Black Horse Courier called "Night Mother Rituals" you can get that tells about Claudius Arcadia admitting to praying to the Night Mother. Then when you talk to Rufio, and he denies doing anything wrong, say "Oh, but I think you have" and he will tell you that he was trying to [censored] "her" and she struggled so he had to kill her.


It is listed as "unsure if it was Claudius Arcadia's wife or daughter" that Rufio was trying to [censored]; when she struggled he killed her. (I felt it made more sense if the victim was the daughter)

Very nice! The bottom line is that it leaves the reader thirsty for more. Please remember that as I wade through a few minor areas that you may want to review.

I have given you many detailed critiques that have been quite picky. Your writing has improved dramatically. In the off chance that there may be a connection here, I will offer you another tough critique. As always, let me disclaim that if I didn't love your writing, I would not be so hard on you.

Semicolons. Suddenly, you have picked up a habit of overusing semicolons. Do some research and get comfortable with exactly when they should be used and for what purpose. Then, in your proofreading, every time you see a semicolon make yourself justify it. That should fix it.

Long sentences. Although not unknown to you, long complex sentences emerge in this story as a problem. Some examples:




Breaking the semicolon addiction will do much to fix this. Again, in your proofreading, look for long sentences. Reading your draft aloud will probably help.

***


The Imperial Legion is an organization, not an individual on patrol. I would use 'Imperial Legionnaire' or 'Imperial Legion Rider' or such.



This is a beautiful sentence, but you need to use 'pushed it open', not push.



I must confess I am not a grammar expert, but this does not sound right to me. I did some basic research, but could not clarify it. From the seat of my pants, I would suggest '?the man had awoken!' I will happily yield to any grammar experts.

***

How you presented the situation regarding Rufio is a matter of what you are trying to do and the degree of license you intend to take with the game. On one hand, it is quite creative. On the other hand, one could argue it has removed the essential element of the quest: Will you or will you not kill a weak, defenseless man? He is laying there helplessly asleep. Even if you wake him, Lucien has told you he is old , weak and easy to kill. Will you murder him or not? That is the quest.

Maxical is sick and weakened. Both her life and virtue are under attack. Of course she does her best to defend herself, and luckily succeeds. That is, Maxical emerges a vindicated, justified hero from this encounter. The reader shouts "You go, girl!" as the villain Rufio falls. Was that your intent?

***

Whew! Now, that said, this was a wonderful story. Your use of words and description is great. You continue to use slightly quirky wording on occasion, but you do it very well now and it perfectly suits your character. She is still a young troubled Khajiit (sometimes 'with tears flooding down my face').

Your research is superb! Your accurate terminology and location descriptions bring your scenes to life. Which mountains, which river, which cave, which direction she is heading. For those of us who count their Oblivion hours in the thousands, we know exactly where she is, and it sparks the memories of our own travels. Your quest research is also superb. Despite my comment about your intent with the Knife in the Dark quest, there is no doubt you have brought your reader into the basemant of the Inn of Ill Omen and why. You know the details of this quest cold.

Although this story did not lend itself to much dialogue, you present the dialogue well.

Those of us who write in first person learn to check during our proofreading for how our sentences start. Specifically, avoiding I?I?I?I?I?. You have no problem here.

I hope you will work on the tiny problems mentioned above. Much more importantly I hope you will accept my humble congratulations on another wonderful story.

I anxiously await your next update.

Yes. 'Had awoken' is the correct conjugation for past perfect tense.

This one I blame on the word processor, lol. I put in a comma; and it corrects it to a semi-colon! The rest are all my fault.

I am ashamed at the length of those sentences! In the story they didn't look so blatent, but when pulled out they look obnoxious! - Thank you VERY much on this one!

Imperial Legionnaire - perfect! That one I didn't pick up on at all, but was struggling with what to call them. Thank you!

I really must have been tired when I proof-read this, the pushed - yes, absolutely right. Thank you again!

I think the spell check told me to use "awoken" so you are right on that. My bad! <3 (Thank you again!)



** I never got that aspect out of the quest because it was a contract that someone had prayed to the Night Mother to have fulfilled - like all the other contracts.

Unlike most of the other contracts, the game has given you his crime and who prayed to have him killed so you are able to make a judgement on whether he deserves to die if you so choose. Would they have given you this info if there was only one way they wanted you to view this quest?

I always felt that whatever murder you committed that brought Lucien to you - you did it for yourself. So Lucien's test would be then (in my eyes) - now will you kill for us?

The weakness of the man - that is a debatable issue because the character is a young girl. If the character was a big burly Orc or Redguard, or a man - then the weak old man part would be an important aspect of the quest. For a young teen girl, killing any grown man (weak, old, etc) no matter what his condition - it is going to be scary, and she will feel herself at a disadvantage unless she is angry. Then her anger will over-ride her fear.
(EX: Buffy was having an inner struggle with killing the man till she got angry because she felt he was blaming the victim). For a female character, I don't agree that the quest must be about the man's physical condition. I think Bethesda put the clues into the game about Rufio's crime for the female characters; who would want to know if his crimes justified killing him. - (the first time I ever disagreed with you - where is that hug emoticon when you need it?)

Acadian my writing has improved from your critiques; you are a tremendous help to me! I can't thank you enough for all the help you give me! You are Awesome!

P.S. - I fixed the parts you and Sojourner pointed out