Thank you so much! I will go fix it, and I appreciate the help tremendously!

mALX, thank you for graciously accepting the critique. I am delighted that you take a detailed critique as a valued complement to your talent and potential. You are a marvelous writer and have been a staunch supporter of my efforts. I owe you no less than my best effort to assist and support you.

Regarding Rufio's quest. You are the author, you make the decisions and you are crafting a wonderful story! I know of no one who can weave a plot better than you. I was bringing up a point for you to consider, since it occured to me as I read the story. Thank you for considering my point. Your counter is valid and your point well taken. It is well within the concept of artisic license methinks.

To say that Buffy used a gimmick to justify killing Rufio is 100% true. After all, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, right?
Oh, here's your well-deserved emoticon - :hugs:

I didn't think it was a gimmick when Buffy did that, I felt it was exactly how a girl would have reacted! You did extremely well at thinking like a teen girl would think in that one. What Buffy heard that pushed her anger button is the same thing Maxical heard that pushed hers. (it's how a female mind thinks).

I can see how a man would have viewed that quest like that. A woman, though - the crime he committed - well lets just say it tops the list for what makes females angry and want to do some slicing and dicing! lol.

Okay, only up to chapter nine right now, but I wanted to take a quick break to reply, since I'll probably end up heading to bed soon:

I.

Am.

LOVING this!

Even though we've all pretty much done the same things with our characters, I enjoy reading about the adventures from other perspectives. There've been a couple little nit-pickies I've seen with the writing, which I may or may not address in a later reply, but overall, I'm thoroughly hooked, and eager to find out what the next well-woven twist will be!

One thing I do want to mention now: writing a story from multiple points of view can be tricky, but I like how you've done it. Like Acadian, it took me a while into chapter eight before I realized you'd written it in third person. Guess it just felt natural, since the story is from Maxical's viewpoint, so only the sections she's retelling would be in first person.

I'm going to continue with chapter nine, but having taken a break, I've realized that it's 2am and I should get to bed soon.

Thank you very much, and please if you don't mind; please critique it - the only way I have been improving is from the critical feedbacks. There is too much I don't know, forget, or just plain don't see; so I can use all the help I can get. Thanks again for reading, and your comments!

Oh, I probably will, count on that It's just that I'd spent quite a while reading, and was only on the second page when I took a break. I'd like to get caught up first, then I'll go back over it and make some notes (and read the responses between chapters).

However, one thing that really stuck out for me was the mention of a loudspeaker in the Arena. Just a small detail, but the reference to something modern was enough to jar me from the moment. Sometimes those slip in, and if we catch them, we can think of a plausible alternative. For instance, being a loud person in general would probably be one of the job requirements for Arena announcer, so something like "his booming voice" should suffice.

And by the way, as I woke up this morning I was thinking about how appropriate Fathis' character has been. Not only is he a possessive guy who's not very good with relationships, he's also a Dunmer, so he has reasons to believe in owning someone else, regardless of how literal the ownership is. Whether or not you'd consciously included it, it's a subtle detail that makes fan fiction all the more enjoyable for the fans (Then again, the counterpoint is that readers who aren't already familiar with Dunmer won't catch that characteristic, so a bit of explanation may need to be worked in. In can definitely turn into a fence issue, figuring out just how important something like that is.)

Also, a thought I had early on was this: don't worry too much about posting here, just get the story out of your head. That's the most important part. I know all too well how easy it is to get excited about a project, start writing, then lose interest part of the way through, and over time end up with dozens of starts, and maybe one complete story. The vast expanse between beginning and end is notoriously the hardest part of a story, so just get the ideas out of your head first

After reading your own work I would be so grateful for any critique you could give that would help me to improve! I agree about the loudspeaker. I knew the announcer used something to enhance his voice, but couldn't think what it could be, so settled on using that word. On the posting - I have a rough draft of my storyline, but as the critiques have come in I have been re-writing each chapter, trying to better the original draft as much as possible. Fathis personality traits were intentional, I wanted the reader to discern the flaws on their own - but you have a good point that I should give some background on the traits, that might be an idea for a later chapter. Thank you for these tips! And by the way, does anyone know what the announcer uses to enhance his voice in that Arena? If so, please either post or PM me!

It is not clear what, if anything the announcer uses. Given the size of the Arena, a man with a trained command voice could announce with no assistance. Commanders of Troops and Sergeants Major do this routinely today, in front troops numbering 1000 or more. Admittedly those troops are not cheering loudly, but still I believe the unassisted trained command voice could announce the Arena fine.

It is for you to decide on assistance for the announcer, but consider the following in evaluating historical accuracy:
"Though some instrument of the kind appears to have been in earlier use, the origin of the megaphone, or speaking trumpet as it was called, is connected with the name of Athanasius Kircher and that of Sir Samuel Morland, who in 1670 proposed to the Royal Society of London the question of the best form for a speaking trumpet. Johann Heinrich Lambert, in the Berlin Memoirs for 1763, seems to have been the first to give a theory of the action of this instrument, based on an altogether imaginary anology with the behaviour of light."

A megaphone improves projection forward at the expense of listeners to the sides. I don't believe it would be overly effective in the circular Arena.

I would go with the 'booming voice' approach.

Ok, I changed it to "Booming Voice" as Drewbster suggested thanks to Acadians determining that the megaphone had not been invented yet - Thanks to you both!

Forgive me. I had ment to address that when I had first read through, however I forgot about the problem as I had read further into Maxical's story.

Thanks for continuing the story! I will be posting the next chapter this weekend.

Chapter 14: The Inn of Ill Omen



It seemed like I lay on that floor for a long time; every time I woke it was to see that horrible man's face looking like a mask in its stiff dead pose. I must have gone delirious for a while, I thought Agronak was there and I kept talking to him. I just can't recall what I said or if he answered.

I had never been enclosed in a room with a dead body before. I felt as if his soul was watching me, haunting me, malevolent. Then all that was left was the odor of him. The old body odor and alcohol smell that was beginning to mix with the smell of death. I thought I could hear flies beginning to buzz.

The smell was beginning to choke me and caused my stomach to rebel against every breath as it tried to heave the taint of Rufio's stench back out.

How long I stayed in that place with Rufio's death surrounding me like a smothering blanket, I don't know. I just knew the clean air I craved was beyond reach. I stayed until the very thought of living could no longer be of as much importance as escaping this tomb and Rufio's decaying corpse.

With that thought I began to push myself up, forcing my body to move. The thought of one breath of clean air before dying giving me the strength to do whatever it took to get out of here. I reached up and pulled my gear down from the table. I would not dress in here. Should I black out again I did not want it to be in this room!

Opening the door was hard, it opened in toward me, and my body blocked pulling it inward. I wanted to rest but wouldn't let myself. I finally managed to open it enough, and then moved out of the way and pushed it wide. I dragged my pack behind me to the end of the corridor and to the steps before I passed out again. When I came to again it was to smell Rufio's stench wafting toward me from the open door of his room. I could not take the energy to dress, I had to get out of here! I pulled myself and dragged my pack up the steps to the ladder that led up to the main floor. I could not pull my pack up the ladder, so left it behind. Stark naked I climbed out the trap door and collapsed on the floor.

When I came to it was with a choke, some liquid being forced down my throat. I opened my eyes to see a handsome Nord smiling down at me.

"Just drink this, little lady" he said in a deep tender voice. He lifted my head and poured some more of the liquid into my mouth.

I recognized the taste from my Anvil experience, it was 'cure disease.' He followed it up with a strong healing potion and another potion that seemed to boost my magicka. I drank it gladly.

"I'm Manheim, you just take it easy there, little lady." the Nord said, his voice was soft, gentle - both unusual for a Nord.

I felt down to cover my nakedness, and found I had been covered in a sheet.

"I saw you were sick and ran to Imperial City to get you some 'cure disease, and some good healing potions as well. I ran all the way, I was afraid you weren't going to make it." he said, turning his head away as he spoke so as not to catch my eye.

He had seen me feeling for my nakedness and did not want to embarrass me. He must have been the one who had covered me with the sheet.

"Fresh air?" I choked out. That was all I had to say, he tucked the sheet around me and carried me outside into the sun. He just stood there holding me, and didn't say a word while I gulped in the fresh air. I kept breathing and breathing until I thought I would hyperventilate; the air smelled so clean and good. I could smell the green foliage and the moisture of a recent rain in the air. It was heavenly! I filled my lungs with it and then leaned my head back on his chest.

"Thank you." I said. "Manheim, Manheim, I, I?.I killed a man in your rooms downstairs; I had to. I'm so sorry."

Manheim was still holding me in his arms, but was strong enough to let go with one hand and gently chuck me under the chin. "Don't you worry, little lady, Manheim knows how to clean things up so no one will ever know. I'll take you in when you're ready, and we'll see about finding some clothes for you, and some food."

"Is there a bath?" I asked, I could still smell Rufio's stench on me.

"Don't you fret, I'll fix you right up."

Manheim was very nice. His voice was friendly and jovial sounding. He drew a bath in his own quarters and pulled the door to so I could have my privacy.

While I was bathing he went to the basemant and found my pack. He brought it up and cleaned the pack. He wiped the blood from the blade and repaired it. Then he pulled all my armors out, and cleaned and repaired them all. When he was done they all smelled of fresh glycerin, any trace of Rufio's odor was gone.

I put on one of Manheim's enormous shirts and a pair of his long underwear; both were clean and smelled fresh.

I had to hold the waist of the long john pants up in a bunch to keep from them dropping down around my ankles.

"He is certainly a lot taller than Alix." I thought, Alix being the only other man I had borrowed long underwear pants from.

I felt very awkward trying to hold them up to go down the steps. I looked up and saw Manheim watching me.

Manheim smiled at me and pointed at my pack. "I found this, is it yours, little lady?"

I nodded, and gave him a little smile. "You cleaned it all and repaired it, just like?" I hesitated. I mean I had just come here and murdered his tenant. Then I looked in his eyes, and knew he could be trusted no matter what I had done. "Just like Alix. He always does that for me when I come home. My name is Maxical."

Manheim beamed, I think because I chose to trust him.

"Manheim, I have to know something. That man, he isn't the one that?took my armor off?" The look on my face had to have reflected the horror I felt at just the thought.

Manheim's face turned every available shade of red, but he looked me straight in the eye. "No, little lady. I took them off. You were burning up with the fever. I would never take advantage, not like that one." Manheim spat on his own floor. "I locked you in that room so he couldn't get in there, and I ran as fast as I could both ways. Little lady, I'm sorry for what he tried to do, it would have never happened if I had been here. I would have killed him myself."

Tears started rolling down my face, and in my relief my legs started to buckle. Manheim swooped me up and brought me to a chair. I just cried then, and Manheim held me while I cried.

"Thank you Manheim. I needed to know that."

I had told Manheim my name by now, but he had said that names were not as important as the people who wore them and continued to call me "little lady." I liked that.

I looked over at the counter nearest me and my eye rested on a tray of sweetcakes he had on display. I looked over at Manheim and he smiled and nodded his head, so I took one. I was afraid I would devour it, I was starving, but I managed to contain myself and make a show of eating it with some manners.

Manheim washed up and fixed dinner. We were joined by Minerva, but her sustenance seemed to be only in the form of wine. The more she drank the heavier she flirted with Manheim. I wasn't sure if I should go, I had no idea if Minerva was his girlfriend and maybe I was in the way. I must have looked uncomfortable because Manheim winked at me across the table.

I smiled. Alix used to wink at me across the table to make me laugh. Being around Manheim for too long would make me homesick. He did too many things just like Alix.

When I finished eating I got my armor and went to Manheim's room to dress. I thanked Manheim for everything, "especially you know what." I said, reaching up to kiss his cheek. He just smiled, and refused the Septims I tried to press into his hands.

"I don't take money from ladies, you just come back here any time, little lady," he said with his easy smile. I smiled back. "You ever find yourself in a fix, you come to Manheim. I will make everything right for you again.

As I walked out the door I turned around to wave goodbye to him, and saw the name of the Inn, it was the Inn of Ill Omen! "My kind of place, I guess." I said.


The Inn of Ill Omen was just a hop from the Faregyl, I was close to home and probably would have run the rest of the way if it hadn't been for the sudden realization that I would be getting another visit from Lucien Lachance the minute I went to sleep.

I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn't have him visit me in my home, or around S'Jirra and Alix. That and there was the fact that I had just murdered someone in the Inn almost right next door.

It's not that I thought Manheim would ever tell anyone. But S'Jirra and Alix had a way of sensing when you had done something wrong. They were like private inspectors and ferreted out what was really going on whether you told them or not. If S'Jirra didn't read it in your eyes, Alix would investigate and find out. He could have worked for the blades protecting the Emperor he was that good. You could have one hair turned out of place and Alix would see it and find out how it got turned.

Making a quick decision, I cut through the woods to that old abandoned house I had lived in till I was 5 years old. There were no markings for it on any map, but Alix had shown me where it could be found on a map years ago. I think after I came to them Alix went and gave those bandits a taste of his sword.

I found it easily enough, and while daylight held I re-explored the Priory nearby and the surrounding area, trying to spark some memory of that time, but none came. I wondered if I had been happy there, or if the girl and that guard had loved me like Alix and S'Jirra did. I knew the girl died because she was out there in the wilderness watching me; but I never knew if that guard had ever returned to search for me, and I had always wondered about that.

I watched the bandits coming in to roost from the hill above the house. There were only two, that was an easy fight for me by now. I sneaked in to the house and caught the first one on the second floor in the bedroom. The sound of the fight brought the other down from the third floor, but it was all over quickly.

Those months in the mountains and all that time in the Arena, I was good with a blade, very good. I had Alix's expertise and that of my good friend Agronak for all the tricks needed to win in a sword fight; and the mountains, well let's just say they made me very strong, and very agile. And after the potions Manheim had given me I was in full health again.

It seemed like ages ago I had graduated from the Arcane, all set to start a wonderful life, and here I was instead, a murderer bragging about how good I was in a fight! I guess the next step would be to become a thief and rob all those people that helped me! "I chuckled at that; then prepared myself for what lay ahead.



*** My New Friend Manheim:

http://www.uesp.net/w/images/images.new/5/51/OB-npc-Manheim_Maulhand.jpg

:read: What a pleasure to read! It just keeps getting better.

I normally would not really recommend editing your work after readers begin to comment; However, in this case I would make an exception and simply add 'Chapter 14' to the top of this story.

An unpleasant subject. You make no less than five references to the smell and decay of Rufio's rotting body. I wrestled with that. On one hand, was it your intent for Maxical to be delirious in that fairly cool room with Rufio for the five days (minimum) required to produce the effects you describe? If so, I struggle with Maxical surviving the lengthy stay in that room without water or treatment, in her weakened, diseased and dehydrated state. If your intent was that Maxical be stuck in there for a more survivable 2 days or so, then dealing with the corpse's stiffness and bugs would have been appropriate. http://www.deathonline.net/decomposition/decomposition/putrefaction.htm.


I found the first sentence not quite right. Instead of a comma, perhaps connecting by a different means (new sentence, but, and, however?)? Just a thought.
Capitalize 'the' to begin your last sentence.


'There', instead of 'their'.
'Gulping in the fresh air' is so delightfully Maxical! :goodjob:

As always, please forgive my pickiness. Do not let it distract from the wonderful writing that now supports a great story. There are so many things you are doing so well now!

The distractions of typos, grammar and basic structure are all but gone.

Your descriptions continue to be crisp and steeped in the perceptions and quirks or your character. It's easy to feel what Maxical feels and become quite attached to her.

Your development of Manheim is good. Not only have you brought a flat character to life, you have shown us his character through his actions and words, instead of simply having Macical tell us about him. Nicely done!

You introduce some self confidence into Maxical towards the end of the story. Cyrodiil is a dangerous place. I suspect she'll need it.

Finally you have hooks at the end. I am curious about her next encounter with Lucien. I am also wondering if her reference to thieves is an 'ill omen'?. :lmao:

Take your time and don't rush, but I anxiously await your next installment. :clap:

- hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmmm............ . (Thieves/Ill Omen)

Oh thank you for the fixes! I appreciate that a lot!

On the odor, she was in and out of consciousness, so would have been struck by the odor each time she awoke. The lapse would have been counted in minutes or hours between waking.

I think a body gives off a very unpleasant odor before the third day, though. My cat catches a mouse and the long before next day I am smelling it and having to hunt through the house for it, gacking the whole time.

Also, when a man died in an apartment complex I lived in when I was in my twenties; he wasn't seen for just under two days. On the 3rd day the odor was so strong coming from his apartment that we called the landlord. The odor permeated the walkway around his apartment even though his doors and windows were all shut. It was an extremely gross odor, and I can't count how many times I puked just thinking about that smell.

I think being trapped inside that small room with him, she would have smelled it strongly; especially being a Khajiit as her senses are more that of a cat than a human.

Where I find fault with the realism is that there is no mention of her needing to use the bathroom at any time. I struggled with putting this in and chose not to for one reason. I don't mind discussing my Khajiit wetting herself at all - but if I bring that into the picture, then it glaringly points to the missing Khajiit bowel movements; and I refuse to touch that subject, Lol !!

I'm sure it was just me. :lmao:


:whisper: I think that is a wise policy.

Again mALX, wonderful job.

You know I always bow to your much better judgement in these things, so if you think it is hurting the realism of the story, I will change it.

I wouldn't change a thing. Our experience and research simply doesn't perfectly align. You should stay with your own experience. Your judgment is wonderful, and your plotweaving superb.

Dwell on the nice things I said! ^_^

A wonderful installment to Maxical's story. I eagerly await your next chapter. And on the subject of realism you should trust your own judgement. Your story has been one of my best reads, from this forum, in a long time.

Thank you very much Arcry!

mALX, you've been busy! I noted you have done some heavy editing, starting with ch 1. Not the story, just the style to reflect your growing skill. And does it ever!

Wow! I would never have suggested such a thing, but I think it served you well. It seems clear that the exercise of rewriting has honed your skill even further.

Your story sings now, right from the first words of the first chapter. Beauty, grace, all the words in the right place for solid effect.... :twirl:

I am so impressed!

Here, you deserve this: :trophy:

Thanks Acadian. I really needed to fix those chapters, they might scare off new readers, lol.

Thats not true i read them not so long ago and they were what drew me in. But dont get me wrong you see a steeep line of improvement from your stories and that was one of your best

Thank you so much for that Slitherine! That means a lot! I have re-edited chapters 1-6 so far, I'm working on chapter 7 right now.

I know I already posted on this thread, but I must post again! I read the edits that you had made and it fixed the story up a lot better (I still loved it in the first place ). This is my favourite type of story, first person because you tell us exactly what he feels, sees, hears. And you do a great job of that! Keep writing the way you always do and enjoy yourself!

Still my favourite fan fiction, and there's a lot of good ones out there too .

Thank you so much! I appreciate that so much! I have been re-doing the first chapters (based on the critiques) but will still be posting the new ones as well. There should be a new chapter out this evening, hope you like it!