More than a motto

Post » Thu May 19, 2011 3:14 am

This is my first attempt at a fan fic even though I've been wanting to do one for awhile, any kind of criticism is more than welcome, I want to know exactly what people think and whether or not I should keep doing it.



Chapter one

A bead of sweat dropped down to the ground as Beck pulled off his gloves to wipe his forehead. Even though the Mojove had always been hot it seemed like today it was even worse than usual. Working at the sharecroppers farms wasn't exactly the best job the seventeen year old could think of, trying to grow anything worthwhile in the dried up soil south of New Vegas seemed almost impossible. He stood there with his gloves off looking north towards the fate going into Freeside, wondering what it must have been like to grow up in Vegas before the war. The bright lights of the city at night, brand new Cordovas zipping up and down the streets of the strip, actually being able to walk down the sidewalks in Freeside without having to worry about being shot at or stabbed by some junkie looking to steal what few caps you had to get his next fix. All of that seemed so far away right now, standing out in the middle of the desert trying to grow a few measly crops for no more than a handful of caps a day. He was jarred out of his daydreaming by a NCR trooper who was walking by.

"You know kid you not getting paid to stand there and fantasise about your girlfriend over there shaking her ass at the Wrangler.
"Hmm" he snorted "you pricks are barely paying me at all". He made sure that he put emphasis on the word paying.
"Whatever you little ingrate, just stop standing there holding your dike in your hand and actually get back to doing something before I haul your ass in to the supervisor and have him fire you."
"Whatever" he said in the most disgusted tone he could muster up, putting his gloves back on and picking his shovel up, digging it back down into the hard as rock ground, fully wishing he could get away with smashing it into the troopers skull.
The trooper just glared at him and turned to walk off, Beck could swear up and down he heard him say something about a nuclear winter under his breath but he couldn't quite make it out.

The day went by about as slowly as it possibly could, not seeming like it was ever going to end. Finally the project super cam out and yelled at all the workers that it was time to pack it in for the day. Beck was glad considering his familys house was a good mile to the north of the Freeside gate, plus he needed to stop by at Mick and Ralphs to pick up a few supplies before he went home. He knew it was going to be a long walk, sometimes wishing he could just sleep at the farms on some of the old mattresses they had set up like some of the other workers, but he also knew his family needed him there with them at night. Fiend attacks had gotten more recent lately and if anything happend to his parents or his sister while he was off sleeping somewhere, then that would probably be the last time he would ever be able to go to sleep again.
He looked towards the west to see how far the sun had sunk in the sky, realizing he only had a couple of hours left before it was dark he started the long walk back to his house.
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Sheeva
 
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Post » Thu May 19, 2011 1:42 am

Oh yeah I forgot to mention this is set in 2277 just a couple of months before the first battle at Hoover dam. And yeah im slightly dyslexic so if some of the word come spelled a little funky then...... yeah sorry about that. Thank you very very very much for your understanding and again critisism is welcome :)
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des lynam
 
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Post » Thu May 19, 2011 3:07 am

Good old sport, it actually made me laugh a little actually which has got to count for something. Not I get to be a Yytrium grammer cop :grad:

Missed a few comma's here like:

'Even though the Mojove had always been hot it seemed like today it was even worse than usual.'

'Even though the Mojove had always been hot, it seemed like today it was even worse than usual.'

And the same type of thing with the speeches:

'"Hmm" he snorted "you pricks are barely paying me at all". He made sure that he put emphasis on the word paying.'

'"Hmm," he snorted. "You pricks are barely paying me at all." He made sure that he put emphasis on the word paying.'

But yeah I enjoyed it and and would like to read more, thought you were all pro-NCR?
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Kelli Wolfe
 
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Post » Wed May 18, 2011 8:34 pm

Appreciate the feedback man, and yeah im still pro NCR but I hate it when people try to paint the NCR out to be white nights when their not, just trying to make it more realistic.

Im gonna try to do the next one in the next couple of days, I just did this in about thirty minutes last night since I was bored and dateless on a saturday night and I had the idea floating around in my head for the past few days. Im gonna try to space out the conversations in the next one a little bit better and make it longer to boot.
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Myles
 
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Post » Wed May 18, 2011 8:06 pm

Yeah If I'm lonley I just chill on here I'm kinda just chillen for the rest of the month stupid shouder poping out of place. Put yeah looks promishing.
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Tamara Dost
 
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