Narimae Ashtir


1. Narimae

The Dunmer stepped out of his bed and jumped as his feet hit the cold, wooden floor. He trudged drearily downstairs and sat at the small, round table he ate at.
His name is Narimae Ashtir, he looks like your typical day to day Dunmer. Deep red eyes, bluey black skin and snow white hair in the windswept fasion. Narimae shivered and walked tiredly upstairs to fetch his coat. After he had retrieved it he stepped outside into the foggy, winter morning.
The snow had piled thick upon the roofs of Skingrad, and hardly a soul wandered the streets.

Narimae made his way towards The West Weald Inn for breakfast.
Narimae was greeted by the friendly warmth of a crackling fire and the smell of freshly baked bread. He ordered a bread loaf and an apple and sat down at the centre table. He looked at each of the inhabitants of the inn carefully. The innkeeper, Erina Jeranus was standing behind the counter with a tired look on her face. An angry looking Nord woman was glaring at the wall, a Bosmer wearing iron armour, and a Dunmer woman with dark red hair. Narimae watched as she stood up, glanced at him briefly and walked out.

Narimae was confused with her actions, as she had had a steaming hot plate of venison in front of her on the table. His food arrived and Narimae ate quickly. He was satisfied with the meal and left the appropriate amount of Septims on the table before he left, plus a tip.
Narimae made his way outside and saw out of the corner of his eye the Dunmer woman he had seen earlier walk down one of the cities many dark alleyways, of course he followed her.

2. Elendale

Narimae followed the Dunmer girl down the alleyway, stopping and acting casually as she looked over her shoulder. Halfway down the long alleyway a gang of muggers burst from behind some barrels, clubs drawn, poised to strike. The girl screamed and Narimae stepped out of the shadows, saluted against the late rising sun.

“Hey!” He yelled and walked forwardly confidently. The muggers each turned simultaneously towards him, teeth bared and eyebrows furrowed.

“Stay outta this boy,” One of them growled in a deep, threatening voice, but Narimae wasn’t scared, he could take on a few thugs with both hands tied behind his back, or so he thought.

Narimae stepped forward and the thugs rushed forward. It seemed like it all happened in slow motion, one of the thugs tripped over Narimae’s extended leg. Another got a fist to the nose but the third was lucky and managed to hit Narimae on the side of the head with his club. Narimae fell to the ground, unconscious as the mugger ran away.

Narimae woke up with Dunmer girl standing over him; her eyes were filled with tears and her dark red hair hung loosely about her face.

“W-what happened?” Narimae asked painfully.

“Y-you saved me,” She replied and went into a fit of sobbing.
Narimae sat up and put his arms around the girl, but she pulled back and leant against the wall.

“What’s your name?” She asked after a few minutes.

“Narimae,” The Dunmer stated, “Yours?”

“Elendale.”

Okay, nice to see you making fan-fics now, Vum. Never thought you did, and for a first time, it's pretty good. I'm not a great critic, but I'll try my best.

Okay the first and biggest problem I have is that throughout the entire chapter you are telling us, not showing. There are people who can explain this better, but you are just telling us what the character is doing, what he orders for breakfast, and what the inn looks like. That way there is no way we can use our minds to picture the scene, instead it is told straight to us. If you were to show us in a more subtle way we'd be able to paint the picture ourselves, which is more fun for the reader. It's hard for me to explain, and will be hard for you to get your head around, but is is worth doing so.

So basically the bulk of the story felt more like a list of events, I'm afraid to say. Nonetheless the description in some places was good, so kudos on that note.

I think I should mention that you shouldn't start off your fan-fiction by describing characters, especially in such an organized fashion. Without sounding too harsh, it is kind of boring to read. Us readers want something to attract us in the introduction, maybe a fight or something similar. I know you did have a fight but it was later in the chapter. With a beginning like this, casual readers would soon get bored, and not want to read on after it.

So my advice is to start with action, and explain the characters later, because now we know exactly what they are like already. But that may just be personal preference, I'm not 100% if others will feel the exact same.

About these two characters; I have a bad feeling already. See it works like this: Man saves girl, they marry, and then they live happily ever after. Now I am not saying this is going to happen in your story, but it seems like it might. This is more of a warning that anything else, but make them have a realistic relationship (if the girl is a main character that is, which I'm assuming she is). That means they might argue, fall out etc etc. Just make sure they don't agree with each other on everything and that they do have problems sometimes. It will be boring as hell to read about otherwise.

Oh and be careful that your character doesn't become uber. I know he got knocked out, but at first you said something along the lines of, "He knew he could take them out with his hands behind his back." That instantly gave off the impression that he is uber, which nobody wants to read about. Thankfully though, he did get beaten, which was actually more fun to read about. And I liked it because it gave off a vague impression that he is quite cocky (that was showing, well done there), so kudos mostly.

Now we move onto timeskips. It is evident in the name, timeskips are when you skip the time (obviously) and in my opinion are not good, not good at all. They feel odd in the story and completely destroy the flow of everything. I hate to say it, but I spotted two timeskips in your story, and both very close together too. I think in the time between when the skip occurs, you should describe the characters feelings or something, and then say how they were interuppted by a voice or something. I can't be bothered to give an example, but I hope you get the jist of what I am saying.

I do understand that timeskipping may be part of a writing style, and can be difficult to change, but I really recommend you try your best to avoid them. It may be a personal feeling of mine, but I think a few others might feel the same.

I did spot a few spelling and grammar mistakes, and a few typos, but I've never been much of a 'grammar-nazi' (ugh, I hate saying that) so I won't bring it up. I'll leave that fun little job for BSparrow or Darkom, lucky people

I also think the dialogue could be improved; to me, it felt kind of flat and generic, and I didn't get much feeling. Sure you described how she cried (good) but you didn't convey that in the dialogue much. So yeah I think that needs to be touched upon. I know it's hard because I had the same problem too when I started writing and RPing, but it's much better when there is interesting dialogue; it brings the story alive more.

Anyway, there may be a few things I've missed out on, so sorry if there is. Anyway, good stuff. Keep it up PM me if you want help with anything else too.

Thanks for the CC Chriso, I will be sure to take heed of your advice.

I edited it a bit, hopefully it's a bit better.

Narimae Ashtir


1. Narimae

The Dunmer stepped out of his bed and jumped as his feet hit the cold, wooden floor. He trudged drearily downstairs and sat at the small, round table he ate at.
His name is Narimae Ashtir, he looks like your typical day to day Dunmer. Deep red eyes, bluey black skin and snow white hair in the windswept fasion. Narimae shivered and walked tiredly upstairs to fetch his coat. After he had retrieved it he stepped outside into the foggy, winter morning.
The snow had piled thick upon the roofs of Skingrad, and hardly a soul wandered the streets.

Narimae made his way towards The West Weald Inn for breakfast.
Narimae was greeted by the friendly warmth of a crackling fire and the smell of freshly baked bread. He ordered a bread loaf and an apple and sat down at the centre table. He looked at each of the inhabitants of the inn carefully. The innkeeper, Erina Jeranus was standing behind the counter with a tired look on her face. An angry looking Nord woman was glaring at the wall, a Bosmer wearing iron armour, and a Dunmer woman with dark red hair. Narimae watched as she stood up, glanced at him briefly and walked out.

Narimae was confused with her actions, as she had had a steaming hot plate of venison in front of her on the table. His food arrived and Narimae ate quickly. He was satisfied with the meal and left the appropriate amount of Septims on the table before he left, plus a tip.
Narimae made his way outside and saw out of the corner of his eye the Dunmer woman he had seen earlier walk down one of the cities many dark alleyways, of course he followed her.

2. Elendale

Narimae followed the Dunmer girl down the alleyway, stopping and acting casually as she looked over her shoulder. Halfway down the long alleyway a gang of muggers burst from behind some barrels, clubs drawn, poised to strike. The girl screamed and Narimae stepped out of the shadows, saluted against the late rising sun.

"Hey!" He yelled and walked forwardly confidently. The muggers each turned simultaneously towards him, teeth bared and eyebrows furrowed.

"Stay outta this boy," One of them growled in a deep, threatening voice, but Narimae wasn't scared, he could take on a few thugs with both hands tied behind his back, or so he thought.

Narimae stepped forward and the thugs rushed forward. It seemed like it all happened in slow motion, one of the thugs tripped over Narimae's extended leg. Another got a fist to the nose but the third was lucky and managed to hit Narimae on the side of the head with his club. Narimae fell to the ground, unconscious as the mugger ran away.

Narimae woke up with Dunmer girl standing over him; her eyes were filled with tears and her dark red hair hung loosely about her face.

"W-what happened?" Narimae asked painfully.

"Y-you saved me," She replied and went into a fit of sobbing.
Narimae sat up and put his arms around the girl, but she pulled back and leant against the wall.

"What's your name?" She asked after a few minutes.

"Narimae," The Dunmer stated, "Yours?"

"Elendale."

Writing is such a hard thing to do. It is far better to say one thing extremely well than a hundred things that are just rushed over.
Focus on what is happening at that 'moment' than just making it seem like a list of events.

Over time you will settle on a style that you are comfortable with. The main thing is to keep writing until you do this.
Good luck and i hope to read more.

^^
Thanks Winter Wolf.

Yaaaaaay story. :twirl:

Like Winter Wolf said: the most important thing about this is that you are having fun writing it. All critics (including myself!) are just that, and are therefore no huge authorities to be taken at face value. We like what we like, and you like what you like. Do this to please yourself, not us.

Already, I can see the makings of two characters that are almost certain to be romantic interests. Make them both deep, interesting characters, and it's likely to be a blast to read about. I'm a huge svcker for character interaction of any kind; it's why I love RPing so much.

I don't really believe in laying into relatively new writers unless they ask for it, so I won't nitpick your grammar like Chriso expects me to.

But I will mention one thing: try to keep your tenses consistant. This line, in particular, should be in past tense:



...that is, if you were to keep it in at all. I agree that it is a bit blunt as a description, but don't worry too much about that. It takes a while to develop the skills to convey such things subtly.

The main thing you should take out of Chriso's critique (in my own opinion, anyway) is the principle of "show, don't tell." This is a very difficult concept to get a grip on, but once you do, it's worth it. I can see you trying by expanding your desciptions, but it still reads more like a summary than a story.

Here's an example of how your first paragraph might be rewritten by "showing, not telling":



Once again, this can be a very difficult concept to grasp, but it's worth it when you finally do. The key is to tell how something is done, instead of just what. The above rewrite, for example, focuses on setting the scene, establishing a mood, and characterizing Narimae. Without actually having to say it, I've conveyed that Narimae is poor, is tired and resigned about his lot in life, is a little messy (the discarded coat), and is probably not a morning person. These are things that do not need to be said (and are in fact better left unsaid) but are nonetheless interesting to learn. Such things make the character easier to relate to. In addition to all that, it also sets up a proto-conflict (something to hook the reader until the actual conflict is revealed... yeah, I think I just made up that word ): the main character is poor and a little depressed, and the reader wants to see him change his lot in life. This keeps the reader curious long enough for some real conflict to reel them in.

Again, this is pretty advanced stuff to keep in mind, but hopefully it helps illustrate what Chriso was trying to get at about the whole "letting the reader paint their own picture" thing.

Oh, and don't worry about rewriting what you've already done, unless you really want to. We don't expect people to rewrite their posts after a critique, just to consider implementing them in the future. Unless you think rewriting would help... just don't think it's expected that you do.

Good luck with this. It's good to see new fanfictions popping up. And remember: have fun with it.

Thank you heaps BSparrow.


I will, oh I will...

Wow, Sparrow, your reviews are quite something aren't they? But yeah definitely listen to what she has to say; it appears she explains everything I mention but much better <_<

But yes as those two above said just have fun with it. To be honest I like the story anyway, but everything can be improved, no matter how good.