Natives

Post » Wed May 19, 2010 4:57 am

My last fanfic died pretty quickly so im taking a new approach to it.Dont let the intro fool you,the real action will start around chapther three.Please review.

Chapter One:Test


Jaensin's lungs were on fire as he strained to reach the next handhold on the cliff face.He had scaled the cliffs before, but never while on full battle dress, and with the ceremonial weights tied to his feet. The weights represented Fear and Emotion, the two elements that stood between a great warrior and hunter, or a shamed child. I am not a child.

With increased vigor, he took another handhold and lifted himself up nto another ledge. One more to go. Aching his back ajnd an uncomfortable angle, Jaensin caught hold of a handhold and using nothing but upper body strength, lifted the lower half of his body up to catch a foothold.He repeated the process until he reached the final ledge, protuding to a point where It was like a roof above him.

There was only one way to get up, and that was by swinging from a series of metal pegs driven into the stone.Nt every child had to take this test, but sucess meant a great honor and a very ceremonial entry into advlthood. With that as motivation, the slim, dark-haired young man grasped the first peg with one hand and pushed away from the cliff face with his legs, using the momentum to catch both the second and third pegs in quick sucesson.One more swing brought him directly below the ledges corner.

He twisted uncomfortably this way and that, but couldnt find away to get one hand on the ledge without letting go of the peg he was holding. It was time for a leap of faith. He twisted back and tossed himself forward, using the weights to increase his acceleration and catching the very corner of the ledge with one hand, and lifted himself up over the ledge with his other.Over the edge, he collapsed into the tall grass, sweting and exhausted.

When he awoke, he was back at the small blackfoot camp that was his home, beneath a stretched leather tent with no doors or walls. Around him stood about a dozen dark haired,blue eyed men in full hunters dress, their faces and chests covered with intricate markings and scars depicting their achievments. In the center of the group was an elderly man, his face worn with age and his leathery skin undistingushable from his many scars. In their native tongue he called for Jaensin to rise, and he did.

"Jaensin...you have done a remarkable thing this day..for few young men even attempt what you have achieved. Remove your weights, for their namesakes burdens spell no fear for a one of your valor." He paused to sllow Jaensin to remove the heavy stones tied around his ankles. "Return to your tent, rest,and then adorn youself in paint and armements.For tonight, you lead the hunt! Come to me on the eve of the moons rising to choose men to accompany you...for this will be a night to remember.
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kitten maciver
 
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Post » Wed May 19, 2010 5:19 am

A good start. Looking forward to more.
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David Chambers
 
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Post » Tue May 18, 2010 8:38 pm

I havent seen a native amarican fan fic before its looks good =)
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Marine x
 
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Post » Wed May 19, 2010 9:41 am

Thank you, next chapter will be up tomarrow or the next day.
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Tarka
 
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Post » Wed May 19, 2010 12:10 am

Interesting, very interesting. Will keep an eye on this on Sannes
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Mel E
 
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Post » Tue May 18, 2010 10:50 pm

Well the only things I can nit pick is the spacing after some punctuation, but again, nit picking
Over all, its a good little story, I would gladly like to read more.
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Christie Mitchell
 
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Post » Tue May 18, 2010 6:45 pm

Seems o.k. to me, I myself made a Tribal Fan Fic. But I failed to keep up with it after awhile. And my new one seems to be dying of posts? I'll have to get chapter 1 up soon.

Anyway, nice story, stick with it and all that jazz. You might have something here?
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Benji
 
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