I like it, Malx!

Mina.... I'm sure that name is deliberate.
Loved the explanation how Janus and his wife became a vampire.

Wow! This was yummy delicious! :liplick: I simply could not stop reading until done. Story, lore, vampirism, history of Skingrad?. All beautifully, realistically and poignantly presented. You have brought the undead Janus to life for us!

:read: My goodness I enjoy your writing!

*

Um? a couple insignificant pesky nits:

'The only disturbances to their privacy were the deer that came out of the wood on the far bank from them to drink from it's fresh waters.'
Now... remember that sign I made for you to tape to your monitor? The one that says:
its = possessive / it's = it is

'Janus and Rona slept in exhaustion, grateful to home and safe.' {?grateful to be home??}

*

You really deserve this: :trophy:

Wow mALX. I've just started dipping into your fanfic and I'm already enthralled. It's a shame I just started reading though. Just thought I'd return the favor for reading 'Fortuna!'. I'm glad I stopped by too, this was a great read.

@ Winter Wolf - You ROCK! Thank you very much! I would work for one free game, one T-shirt and a ball cap, ROFL!!

I thought it really odd that Bethesda gave us no story for why she was there! (except as an easter egg). I knew either Janus or Rona did it to her.

They had to have a healer when they were carried into the castle, she would notice their vampirism. They couldn't let her leave and tell others, so I made her the pale lady.

***

@ Destri Melarg - I think Bethesda took the name Mina from that Bram Stoker movie, and just threw it in there as an easter egg. I saw the movie, it was Awesome!

You really rocked that battle in your chapter today, I hope everyone caught that! I may come to you for tips on Maxical's upcoming melee fights if I can't find Foxy!

Thank you again for reading!

***

@ Zalphon - I appreciate your reading a lot Zalphon! Thank you so much!

***

@ RemkoNL - Oh, me too. Bethesda is always slipping little things like that in their games. Fallout 3 is loaded with them.

A lot of the story is from Lore, I just did a bit of sprucing to it; I knew they were attacked together.

I never believed (the game explanation) that she refused to feed and that is why she is catatonic, because a vampire gains strength by not feeding. It made no sense if you compare it to the other vampires in Cyrodiil. (or your own vampire character). That was why I had her go nuts and had Janus bribe Traven to log it in the records that she refused to feed, like he was protecting her reputation.

Thank you so much RemkoNL, I really appreciate you! - BTW, that love scene you wrote for Rales was great!

***

@ Acadian - (fixed, fixed, lol) - Thank you so much for that, I swear it is a mental block on the its/it's - because I know the right way, but keep typing it wrong, lol - and can't see it when I edit. I did run a "find" on the last two chapters, I should have on this one I see, lol. You are hugely appreciated Acadian !! (and thank you for the kind words)

***

@ Lord Dren - It means a lot to me that you read it and liked it! Your "Fortuna" is on my list of must reads, (I hope everyone gets a chance to read it, I was in tears on that last chapter, I did not see that coming at all, Awesome writing and story!

Chapter 47: The Price Of Freedom


Janus had not visited his wife in her secret crypt since Maxical came. He was frustrated at the interruption that morning, it was imperative he be there when Maxical awoke.

Just as he assumed, there were no changes in his wife's condition to merit the summons to her side, the duenna had just been desperate to relieve her own isolation. The woman droned on and on, complaining of his long absence.

Janus tried prodding her to get to the point. Finally he became almost rude to her in his anxiety to get back before Maxical awoke. She quit her prattling in a huff and Janus hurried out, calling instructions to her as he walked out the door.

He stepped out into the courtyard and felt a sudden sense of dread. He paused, trying to listen for thoughts, sounds, smells. His nose tingled, he smelled Maxical in the outside courtyard. He walked to the middle of the courtyard and scanned the borders and walkways, then began searching around, checking bushes and corners. It had absolutely been her scent, but now it was gone.

He looked up at the window to his suite. It was closed now, but maybe she had it opened prior. The bad premonition lingered. Janus took one last check through the courtyard and then started up the steps to his private entrance.

At the landing he looked down, then around on the rooftops. He was sure a twinge of her scent had just touched his nose again. He tried once more to catch it, but was unable. The sun was burning him. Turning slowly and still sniffing the air, he pulled the door open. He sensed something wasn't right, but found no trace of her as he made his way across the lower corridor.

As he reached the stairwell, once again Janus was sure he caught just a light touch of her fragrance. He climbed the stairwell slowly, but by the time he reached the landing the scent was gone again. At the top of the stairwell he turned toward his suite. The body guard stood in front of the doorway just as he had left him, standing with his back to the door; but as he neared the doorway Janus could see the door gapped behind him.

As the premonition of what he would find inside his suite seized his mind, his stomach began to twist in knots, agitating the panic that was rising in him. A pounding sounded in his ears, it was his own blood rushing as his pulse rapidly increased. The tension he was under released his fangs but not the fluids that usually flowed from them. He felt the adrenalin pumping into his system; he knew what he would find, yet hated to take the steps that would confirm it.

Finally, unable to stand not knowing any longer, Janus pushed past the bodyguard and into the room. Maxical and Alix were gone. He found her dress laying on the floor, and quickly ran to his desk. Her robe and other items were gone as well. She had left him.

Janus leaned his head back and roared, the isolation and loneliness closing back in around him like the steel bars of a cell that held him prisoner in his own life.

***

Just before my hand fell on the gate to open it I heard Janus's voice behind me. My heart lurched and I could hear its pounding in my ears. Fear held me frozen in place as I barely moved my head and strained my eyes in the direction of his voice. He was no more than fifteen feet from me, coming out of a strange crypt-like passage in the outer wall of the castle. He paused as if something startled him, then began moving toward me slowly. Within seconds he would be only feet away from me.

I heaved myself up and pushed through the gate, then dove over the side of the bridge, tumbling down the hill. I forced my feet to move, pushing my legs into a run, grabbing trees as I passed them to keep from falling. I felt disoriented, not recognizing where I was, not knowing which way to go, except to head away from the castle.

Castle Skingrad still loomed over me, yet it seemed I had been running long enough to have cleared it by now. I looked behind myself frequently to be sure I was not being chased; it seemed each time I looked the castle appeared closer than it had been at the last check.

Was I traveling in circles? I was afraid to bend so much as a twig to find out, it would leave a trail that led directly to me.

The fear that I may never get away took hold of my mind like a festering boil, eroding my ability to think clearly and poisoning the hope of freedom. That fear taunted and nagged till I cried, which made things worse. I found myself stopping, ready to give myself up; and may have given in to the helplessness had it not been for the fleeting thought that the Gods laughed at my puny attempt at freedom. I felt rage quicken in me at that thought, and forced myself to keep pushing on, running harder, faster. The fresh air began to clear my head, and the stiffness in my legs began to ease as I ran.

I was no where near the border of County Skingrad yet, and at a dead run when an overwhelming pain suddenly gripped my chest causing my legs to buckle beneath me. I plowed into the ground clutching at my heart with both hands, it felt like it was being crushed.

Fearing any noise would draw the guards down on me I bit down on my lip to keep from screaming out from the pain. I lay in agony, the blood from my lip trickling down the side of my face.

Then an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and loss washed over me. I knew then what was causing this. Janus had found me gone. I had condemned him to that empty existence he suffered before I came.

"Oh Janus, I am so sorry." I whispered, and felt tears rolling down the sides of my face.

Forcing myself to fight against the pain I crawled till I could stand, then walked till I could run. Eventually I got far enough away from Skingrad that Janus's suffering no longer reached me. I hated to be the one to condemn him to isolation again, but I was a prisoner, I must escape. I will remember my time in his prison the rest of my life though, and remember Janus.

Once I was able to run again I made record time to Bravil, cutting across the fields of the West Weald. S'Krivva was frantic when I burst in her door, nearly squishing Alix in her joy that I was safe. I did not have her book, but she was just relieved I was back.

"Did Amusei bring you word of what happened to me?"

"Yes, poor boy. He was distraught, thinking about what would happen to you, and it be on his head. I have taken him under my wing."

"I thought you would; S'Krivva, they tortured him. He would have been dead had I not gotten him from there."

When I told her about my experience as a prisoner she began to have romantic notions of me living in a castle, the Count deeply in love with me.

"Oh S'Krivva, he is in so much pain from the loneliness, it is not me he loves, but the companionship. He can find that with anyone, I am nothing special to him other than someone to talk to. Besides, are you forgetting about Fathis? Now let me show you this trick Janus taught Alix. Do you have some cheese? And I hope you have some bath fragrance, because Alix will no longer bathe without it."

S'Krivva snorted. "A prisoner's pet mouse getting bath fragrance? And you say he is not in love?"

***

My sleep was restless on my return. Janus haunted my dreams, a specter of anguish that sought my return to him. I could feel him reaching out to me as he had that night he held my hand. I tried to push him from my dream but was unable. His hand stretched out, open and empty before me. Finally I placed my hand into his and felt the relief come from him. When I awoke my eyes were puffy and tired looking.

It was still very early when I arrived at S'Krivva's house. The door was locked, but when I knocked she opened it.

"What in the world has happened to you Maxical? You look like you didn't sleep last night. Your eyes are swollen." Her voice of concern changed to one of intrigue.

"Did you?go out last night? Sit down now, and put your head back. I'm going to lay cucumber slices on your eyes to take the swelling down."

I sat at the table and tipped my head against the back of the chair. "It's Janus, S'Krivva. He won't let me sleep till I take hold of his hand."

"Are you sure it is his hand? ?Didn't you tell me he was in Skingrad?"

"He is in Skingrad?and what did you mean by that?" I started to sit up and turn around to face her but she pushed my head back down and began laying the slices of cucumber over my eyes.

"S'Krivva, the cucumbers are dripping on me!"

"Sit still then, and quit complaining!" She snapped, then continued trawling for details in a sweet voice. "It's no wonder you got no sleep, going all the way to Skingrad and back like that."

"I didn't go anywhere, I was right here."

"Then how could you hold his?hand? Did he come here last night? All this way to see you? The man is in love if he did."

I sat up and the cucumber slices rolled to the floor. "S'Krivva, why do you hesitate like that? You did that twice, what are you implying?"

"Nothing dear. Don't get your armor in knot" S'Krivva said nonchalantly before seeing the cucumbers on the floor.

"Look now, you have wasted two perfectly good cucumber slices! Put your head back again!"

She cut two more slices and placed them on my eyes, then schooled her voice down to sweetness again. "So tell me about these visits. What happens?"

"I told you he has very powerful magic. He comes to haunt my dreams with his pain, he misses me and wants me to return to him. If I take hold of his hand he lets me sleep. But his suffering is wearing me down."

"Well, what are you going to do about it. Are you going back to him?"

"You mean turn myself in? Do you forget I am an escaped prisoner? He will find another prisoner to talk to and be just as happy."

"I only have one more contract for you dear. After that you will have some free time to do whatever you want. Why don't you write him a nice letter and ask him to send you a pardon so you will feel safe coming to see him as a friend?"

"I did not think of that! I will do it!" I sat up again, losing the cucumber slices to the floor.

"Look what you have done! Did you come here today just to waste all my food?" S'krivva swooped down on the rolling cucumbers.

"S'Krivva, you were hardly going to eat them after I wore them. Give them to Alix. And would you get me something to write with?"

S'Krivva slammed the quill and parchment down, but when she banged the inkpot down some flew out the top, staining her table.

"Look what you've done S'Krivva!" I schooled an innocent look on my face and tried for the same in my voice. "Aren't you glad I'm back?" My voice didn't sound innocent even to my ears, so I gave up trying and gave her a wicked grin.

"Oh you!" S'Krivva said as if she was mad, and bopped me on the head on her way to the coffee pot.

"Will you make one for me and Alix? You know how we like it. OW! Look, you made me mess my letter! Now I need more parchment. I can't write if you addle my brain S'Krivva." She had popped me on my head from behind.

***

Dear Janus,

I want to thank you for the good treatment I received as a prisoner under your care.

I hope you understand that it is a prisoner's duty to escape. It had nothing to do with not being happy with you, because I could not imagine a more pleasant incarceration.

The thing I enjoyed most about my time with you was our talks, and I do miss them. I will never forget you, or my term in your facility.


I am so sorry you were hurt by my escape. I felt your pain when you discovered me gone, and I feel your suffering when I dream at night. I never meant to bring you pain, when you were all that was kind to me and Alix. I have been giving you my hand for comfort, just as you did for me that night. I hope it has helped some.


In my dreams you have asked that I return to you. I hope you realize that as an escaped prisoner I cannot come back, lest I face further charges added to the original ones.

I have concerns that Amusei will suffer as well, being as I escaped when I was serving his sentence for him. When this is no longer hanging over me, I hope we will be able to be friends, that I may come visit you when I am in the area; and we may talk once again.

If you wish to write me back, please send it to General Delivery in the Imperial City.

M.

PS - Alix is still doing the trick you taught him.


"I will mail this when I am in the Imperial City for this last contract. As an escaped prisoner I don't think I should give away my location, nor post a return address on here. I have asked for Amusei's pardon as well. The boy should not suffer because I escaped while serving his time."

Wow. The darkness and deep emotion of Janus' story showcases your incredible talent. And there were still the light "Maxical" touches that keep it from descending into melodrama.

As ever, a wonderful treat.

Yaay! Maxical is free! Your depiction of her harrowing escape was well done. One line that really stood out head and shoulders above the others for me was this:



Such excellent anologies, I especially liked the "festering boil", it gives one such a vivid impression.

Then we see the switch back to the amusing antics of our beloved catgirl, played out so lightly with S'krivva. The transition between the two was spotless.


p.s. Did you know that http://index.rpg.net/display-entry.phtml?mainid=5737 was a role playing game from back in the 80s? I played it for a bit back then, now whenever I hear that phrase I think of it.

Several distinct pieces woven together perfectly. Janus' perspective, Maxical's escape, and a lighter finish back in Bravil.

Well done!

Make sure you also read the novel mALX. It was first published in June 1897, and as a book it really had no precedent. Perhaps only Mrs Shelley's Frankenstein was able to kick butt on that level.
Francis Ford Coppola did do a fantastic job with the movie but only the book can truly capture the underlying psychology that makes up the Transylvanian Don Juan.


Yes, very true. The flee from the castle is harrowing and it does seem that the character is running forward but going nowhere.
Steep sides, guards, an invisible border nearby. Almost like Jonathan Harker trying to get back to London.


:rofl:

@ Everyone - due to an overdose of estrogen on this thread, and the patience of my readers that would prefer some testosterone - I sat down and wrote a (hopefully) good fight for the next chapter. I hope it will add some testosterone back into the thread. There is a storyline coming up with so much fighting in it, that I didn't want to wear all my fight moves out on you before it comes up, lol.

***

@ Treydog - you have been missed!! It was so good to see you update your story, we were all having withdrawals! Thank you so very much!

***

@ SubRosa - I was so worried about that line, I am glad it was ok. I just could not think of anything that had the same impact, so everytime I tried to edit it, it ended up not being cut.

I did not know about that RP game - I may have spent the 80's with Mario and Luigi, lol.

Your story is really developing; the characters have become powerful, tangible.

Thank you so much SubRosa!

***

@ Acadian - Thank you so much! - I really appreciate you!! I hope Koala1 is enjoying the forum! My idealistic vision is you getting her a copy of Oblivion for the laptop, Koala1 has a wonderful time playing Oblivon, and then starts a FanFic!!!

***

@ Winter Wolf - I have to get a copy and read it, We donated a copy of it to my son's highschool, but I haven't read it yet, only saw the movie - it was the first vampire movie I ever liked. I def want to read it!
*
It did feel just like you said. I brought my PC Maxical up into Janus's bedroom and took 50 screenshots of them together - I did not have to shut down his AI, either, even though she was tresspassing! He just kept smiling at her, staring at her, but never asked her to leave. -
*
anyway, when I left, I had her running to Bravil, but I somehow went the wrong way or something. I didn't want to look at the journal map, because that would be unfair help for her.

I kept seeing the same landscape, etc. It was very hard to find the way southeast for some reason.
*


Maxical somehow has mistaken the rules for a POW as applying to all prisoners, lol.

Thank you so much Winter Wolf, and in honor of your comment on my last chapter, I have written a fight for next chapter.

There aren't many who can effectively combine third and first person narration in a single chapter. The fact that you handle it so well speaks volumes.

Thank you very much Destri Melarg, I appreciate that a lot!

So will Count Dracula / Count Skingrad chase his "Mina"?
Nice psychological chapter!

Thank you very much RemkoNL - You knocked that chapter on your thread out of the park today - it was Awesome, I hope everyone sees it!

I really have no idea why I'm in this part of the forum, but this seems very good. Keep up the good work.

Thank you very much, I appreciate that!!

Why, thank you. :icecream:

I'd like to give credit to D. Foxy, first for the information, inspiration, and battle techniques I used to write the fight scene in this chapter. D. Foxy co-wrote the fight segment of this chapter, plus taught me everything I know about writing combat scenes with his own thread "Of Blades, Fights, and Assassins, Martial Arts techniques for Combat Writing" posted below. Please be sure to give him credit as the resident expert in combat !! Foxy, I hope I have interpreted your teaching correctly. Here is a link to that thread:


http://www.gamesas.com/bgsforums/index.php?showtopic=1037618&hl=




Chapter 48: Pardon My Escape


My last contract with S'Krivva was a complicated series of break-ins and forgery down in Anvil, then returning to the Imperial City and breaking into the Prison to get an official seal on the forged document. I was reminded of my mouse caper, almost laughing aloud and giving myself away. Afterwards I would have to return to Anvil with the sealed document.

While I was in the Imperial City I checked the General Delivery. I was surprised to find there was a fairly large box waiting for me. I peeped around to see if anyone was around, then tore it open like a child.

I gasped. Inside was a beautiful dress of thick velvet, like the one I had worn as a prisoner. My hands were shaking as I lifted it from the box ever so gently, as if it may break or vanish. My very first dress, and it was more beautiful than even the blue velvet dress of Delphine's. When I lifted it a small pouch fell, and a letter.


*

My dearest Maxical,

I cannot tell you how much it means to me when you give your hand in comfort. It has sustained me since you left. The isolation is overwhelming, worse now than it has ever been. I have signed pardons for both you and Amusei, so that you may feel free to come at will. I miss our talks too, and the sound of your laughter. I miss how you send your thoughts to me, and I miss Alix. Please come. - Janus

*

"I will Janus. I promise." I whispered, folding up the letter.

The sack contained several scrolls with Amusei's and my pardons on them. I was excited to get to Bravil and give Amusei his.

I carefully folded the dress and placed it in my pack with the letter tucked inside. The pardons I placed in the pouch Uriel had given me that hides important papers from bandits.

At the end of my mission I had to deliver a missive to the Countess of Anvil. She looked sad, lonely. She suffered the loss of her husband many years ago. I could tell it still pained her. I lost Fathis the week after my graduation almost two years ago, and it has taken me these two years just to even realize that. I don't know what to fill my heart up with if Fathis isn't in it.

There were several people ahead of me to speak to the Countess. Tired of standing after my long walk, I spotted a bench along the wall. Some others in the back of the line had the same idea, so I hurried up, plopping down beside a man that had been sitting there. I was surprised to see it was the forger! I wondered what business he would have here. He had a trick of not looking in your eyes when you spoke to him, I don't trust someone if they won't look a person in the eye, and I guess with his profession he must be shifty; but to be honest I didn't feel that off him in my dealings with him. Rude maybe.

"Have you been waiting long?" I tried to strike up a conversation with him. I was surprised when he turned around, he looked me straight in the eye this time. His eyes held a depth of sorrow that went beyond that which I have suffered from Fathis. The Countess, me, and the forger, all sitting within 20 feet from each other, each of us with our own pain that none of the other know of, yet we recognize each other as if it were a club one belongs to with a secret handshake.

He looked deeply in my eyes as well, and saw the pain that lay there. I allowed his inspection of my soul, for obviously the Gods played foul with him as well. We were kin, brethren, just for that moment, then the moment passed.

"You go ahead in front of me, I can wait." He said, and turned away, staring off in the direction of the ever-shortening line before the Countess.

"Are you sure you don't mind?" I asked him, but he never answered, nor turned his head my way again.

I was glad I was to go before him, nervous it would come out somehow that I had paid him to forge a document. When my business was concluded I intended to run like a banshee out of Anvil, and not stick to the roads.

I did; crossing golden fields and green meadows that the sun had warmed, thinking how beautiful a place Anvil County was.


************


I heard a harsh musical twang and was in the act of spinning toward the sound when the arrow struck me. My left shoulder began to sting and feel numb immediately, the arrow was poisoned. I had let out a yelp of pain and surprise when it first bit the skin; a very stupid move that draws others in to assist the attacker if they have allies. The bones in my shoulder were blocking me from driving the arrow through to remove it, I would have to wrench it out. There was no time to do it now, I could already hear someone running toward me from the opposite direction the arrow came from.

Keeping my side to the archer I turned my head to see what was charging me. It was a Khajiit armed with a huge axe. They had circled me, my mind had not been where it should to let that happen. If I turned to face the axe I would be struck in the back with the arrows. That is the trick, the arrows in the back are the ones that kill you, not those in your arms.

The axe was closer and more deadly, so I cast fireballs at him to slow him down. I was surprised by one of them actually hitting him. It struck his face, although I had been aiming for his body; but I took advantage of his temporary blindness and shot to the other side of him, putting him between myself and the archer and drawing my sword as I ran.

The archer saw my intention and was already on the move to set up a new position, but he was deliberately staying out of range of my fireballs.

The numbness from the arrow in my shoulder was now a burning pain, and each movement of my left arm seemed to shift the armor, causing the arrowhead to gouge in a new direction in the already inflamed wound. I had my teeth clenched to keep from screaming each time it did that, but the armor had pulled over the flange of the arrowhead blade somehow, making it impossible to remove it without lining up the hole it made going in. There would be no pulling it out, not with the attack still ongoing.

The cat with the axe was coming toward me again, his axe raised high over his head. He made a grunting noise with almost every step, the axe must weigh a lot. He was at a full charge, his arms stretched out as far as they could, taut from the weight of that axe. I could hear the loud thud of each footfall, see the clods of fresh dirt flying off his boots as he took each step. The dirt seemed to hover in the air, not falling to earth quickly. It was as if they were frozen like that temporarily.

Something happens to you in battle, adrenalin and cortisol flood your system; the cortisol thickens your blood to a gel instantly so you won't bleed to death, the adrenalin gives you the power and speed you need to escape or fight. When it hits everything seems to suddenly go into a slowed motion; your hearing becomes acute, your heart pumps harder to get the gelled blood through, and you can hear it over your own fear as you see an enemy charging you. I could almost count the droplets of spit and number each tooth as the Khajiit's mouth drew back in a snarl. It felt like I had an eternity to plan my defense, visualize it; yet it was within the space of seconds that he was upon me.

I raised my sword as if I would try to use it to parry that heavy axe and knock it to the side, knowing it would break my sword if I tried. It worked, he thought I was stupid and would be an easy kill. His snarl spread into a grin of jagged brown corn-teeth. Just before he was in reach of me with that huge axe I leapt to the side and spun, slashing his taut arm with the full force of my blade, nearly severing his arm. He would not be able to lift that axe with one hand, it must weight over 85 pounds.

When the pain hit him he turned, screaming and looking at his mangled arm in surprise. At the same time his axe began crashing down without the support of the second arm. I leapt back but was not quick enough; his axe crushed into my left shoulder, gouging down into the arrow that was still lodged there and dragging it. The arrowhead ripped a trench in my upper arm before being pulled out by the axe, and it tore the shoulder plate completely off my armor before splintering the shaft of the arrow. I heard bones breaking in my shoulder a second before I actually felt the pain.

People say the rush of adrenalin and cortisol keeps you from feeling pain in battle, that is not true. Shock kept the signal from reaching my brain for a blessed second, after that it hit, bringing me to my knees and nearly making me faint in its intensity. I screamed out every curse word I have ever known as a cloud of blackness edged around my vision. Tears flooded my eyes blinding me as I tried to crawl away from the cat but could not see where he was to get away. The truth is, you feel every pain - but you have to keep going or lay down and let them kill you.

Alix would have been killed if he had been in that pocket, but I had put him in my pack to talk to the Countess. The rage of knowing that was where Alix usually sat gave me my strength back more than anything else could have.

My left arm was useless, and trying to grip the shield was killing my shoulder. I would not be able to block with my shield, the pain would make me pass out. I pulled myself up and turned, the movement causing me to scream out curses again. Rather than give up the protection of the shield I ran my hand all the way through the grip and wedged it tightly onto my arm. It would only protect my left side, but was better than nothing.

Bending my knees and moving sideways like a crab was the only way to keep from jarring my shoulder, and it presented the shield to protect my vital organs as well as making me a smaller target to shoot at for that archer. I scouted for the enemies.

The archer had set up in a new position, camouflaged in a bush. I wouldn't have seen him but saw the movement of his bow as it came up. I quickly cast some fireballs hoping to catch the bush on fire.

The Khajiit was getting back into a fight stance with a dagger in his one usable hand. The arm I sliced looked like a bloody mangled mess.

It should have been a clean break shooting a pumping stream of blood, causing him to bleed to death quickly. I had used that move all the time in the Arena, it was a shock to realize how badly my skills had deteriorated in the two years since I left there. I had not practiced with my blade since then, and quit fitness training as well. I was slow, clumsy, and my timing was off. My pain tolerance was little or nothing, and I had no strength in my arms anymore. I always thought once you learned it, it became ingrained in you. Owyn always warned us not to ever stop practicing or we would lose it, he was right.

Unable to watch both at once in this position, I skirted to the left to put the cat between me and the archer, every movement of that arm bringing waves of pain that threatened to drop me. I had to fight my reflexes and not raise my shield when I saw an arrow singing toward me a second after hearing the twang. The archer had seen my slow awkward change of position and had already set up in a new location to attack. I was in his line of fire again. I edged back where I had been just as the Khajiit began advancing with his dagger. I could not afford to fight them both while injured, and my inability to heal properly was wearing down my magicka and giving no relief. Why had I never gone for training in healing these two years? For the first time in my life I wondered if I was facing my end.

The sun glinted off his dagger and I caught a faint green tint on the blade. It was poisoned. I hoped the archer would stay put while the cat attacked, I doubted I would see his movements in the fight I knew was coming, and couldn't afford to have him get behind me now.

Rage and pain could clearly be seen in the Khajiit's eyes and the grimace on his face. He was clenching his teeth so hard they may break as he advanced toward me. His lower left arm was dangling and swaying with his movements. I tried to cast a fireball at him and he dodged it, slapping against his own dangling arm and roaring with the pain of it.

I knew what he was feeling, but he started this, I didn't.


(To be continued)

Very exciting. Your rich use of description makes the scene really come alive. I can feel the dust in the air, hear the shouts of anger and pain. This part really stands out:



Nicely done! :celebration:

The only nit I see is that you left an extra quotation mark at the end of this sentence:

Thank you so much SubRosa! When I wrote that line, I was picturing horses in the field, if they are shod, they turn up clods that way, and they will just hang in the air as if suspended for an extended number of seconds, I don't know why. Thanks for the error report, I fixed it and a paragraph I saw some repeated words in. <3

Yes! Exciting.

Very nice with the package and letter from Janus. Poignant.


I got confused here. I thought I was in the Imperial City, then realized in between these two paragraphs that I had jumped to Anvil. I thought at first the Anvil stuff was just a flashback, but I couldn't figure out whether you were flashbacking, summarizing or warping around. I'm still not sure after reading it several times. Should there perhaps been a clear cut scene change between the IC and Anvil? Regardless, I needed a little help.


The fight. Plenty of action here. :toughninja:

:whisper: Back to training for you Maxical! Agronak (RIP) would be disappointed at the atrophy of your melee skills. If you're not careful, you'll end up in a puddle right in the very next chapter! Oh and girl, you really need to learn how to aim. I reluctantly accept that you are hopeless with a bow, but you simply MUST learn how to aim those fireballs!


Whew! My goodness, relook at this 5 clause run on. I bet you can easily smooth it out. Also, consider 'quickly' instead of 'quick'. Perhaps:
'I hopped back out of the way, but not quickly enough. The Khajiit spun towards his pain and screamed. His axe crushed into my left shoulder, driving into the arrow still wedged there. The force caused the arrowhead to excruciatingly trace a bloody trench, several inches down my upper arm.'

This is the first paragraph of the story, it tells that she has to go to Anvil, then go to the Imperial City, then go back to Anvil :

"My last contract with S'Krivva was a complicated series of break-ins and forgery down in Anvil, then returning to the Imperial City and breaking into the Prison to get an official seal on the forged document. I was reminded of my mouse caper, almost laughing aloud and giving myself away. Afterwards I would have to return to Anvil with the sealed document."


**

I will edit that fight paragraph tomorrow, I can't think tonight to do it. (up for 2 days/nights - first with the mod, then with the sick puppy)


Thank you so much for all your help!

I think Foxy would be proud. An excellent action scene! :toughninja:

This paragraph:


is just brilliant! :goodjob:

I AM proud MalX1 ...

Yes. You have interpreted my suggestions correctly, and the fight scene is a small gem of brilliance.

In any deep emotional experience your senses come alive, and I defy anyone to find an experience more emotional than fighting for your life. MalX1 has now discovered how to weave the fear, pain, anger, determination that you feel then, with the nitty-gritty of the sights, sounds, and smell of battle - and she has even managed to show us the thousand and one ever-changing tactical calculations that flow through your head when that happens.

Here. A brown belt from me, my dear. You've earned it.