I want to thank everyone that has been reading Maxical's Journey, ( and A New Sun Rises - Maxical's Journey II ). The help you have given me to improve it, I could never thank you all enough for that. For every one of you that has encouraged me or lit a fire under my tail to make me go back and fix things - You ROCK !!!!


* Special thanks to Acadian, Bobg, and Arwen for the inspiration to write Maxical's Journey, (and downright pushing from Acadian!).


This thread is the continuation of Maxical's Journey, ( and A New Sun Rises - Maxical's Journey II ). For those who have not read the earlier chapters and would like to, follow the links below:


*

Maxical's entire journey has been captured in the picture albums of her Myspace page, if you would like to visit it:

http://www.myspace.com/oblivion_khajiit




For convenience the whole story is posted on FanFiction, here is a link to the story there:

http://www.fanfiction.net/~malx





If you prefer to stay on the forum, here are the links to all previous chapters:


Maxical's Journey - A New Sun Rises - (Chapters 1 - 23)

http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1038084-maxicals-journey/




A New Sun Rises - Maxical's Journey II - (Chapters 24 - 36)

http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1050778-a-new-sun-rises-maxicals-journey-ii/




A New Sun Rises - Maxical's Journey III - (Chapters 37 - 50)

http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1056626-a-new-sun-rises-maxicals-journey-iii/




A New Sun Rises - Maxical's Journey IV - (Chapters 51 - 65)

http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1065146-a-new-sun-rises-maxicals-journey-iv/




A New Sun Rises - Maxical's Journey V - (Chapters 66 - 85)

http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1071522-a-new-sun-rises-maxicals-journey-v/




A New Sun Rises - Maxical's Journey VI - (Chapters 86 - ??)


http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1080421-a-new-sun-rises-maxicals-journey-vi/













* Special thanks to Rumpleteasza for the idea of putting separate links for the chapters - I know my parents will appreciate that!






For a little background:

As I am writing the story while playing the character in the game, the story has been subject to a glitch that occurred early on in game that caused some hilarious consequences. Rather than restart the game, I stuck by my character and wrote these changes in. The result has turned out to be one of my most interesting games yet, (barring the first game of course).

This character is the youngest I have ever played, so it took some doing to get her into jail, and the changes the game glitch caused took the story through some twists and turns I never would have expected.


My character's name is Maxical, and she is an albino Khajiit. This is Maxical's story, I love it and hope you will too. Thank you for reading!






*

What's better than one? Why, TWO!
And what after that salivates me and you?
Why, THREE!! Each of your threads makes us go WHEE,
and fill our hearts with drama, laughter, and glee
and thus we gloat, that free we're in the boat
of imagination that launches us into a dream of fiction
write on, my Malx, or we condemn you to perdition!!!

:thumbsup:

I was finally able to read the last chapter. It was much fun! I must say you have a real talent for writing comedy, along with that excellent knack you have for running multiple plotlines alongside one another without breaking the continuity of any of them. \

Fathis really takes it on the chin in this one. First he slips in urine and falls down the stairs, then he is doused with bathwater, and finally he steps in a bear trap! I must say, I cannot think of anyone more deserving, save perhaps Mehrunes Dagon. I loved his deduction that the rotgut must be urine! That was pure brilliance in response to so many of us saying that is what we first imagined it must be.

The only thing missing was a dance battle between Fathis and Manheim, ala American Pie 3!

With all that it was great, a few little grammar nitpicks did stand out, all cases of overusing adjectives:

he saw Maxical entering a hotel room with an ugly little troll looking fellow.

This would read better somewhat like this:

he saw Maxical entering a hotel room with an ugly little fellow who looked like a troll.

Another example is:

He would kill that ugly randy swine

Might read better like:

He would kill that ugly swine

or:

He would kill that randy swine

*** There is a special mention of D.Foxy's character "Foxy" in this chapter




Chapter 37: Finding The Thieves Guild



It was the middle of the night when I felt the illness come over me, waves of nausea becoming more demanding till I knew I must get up. Struggling to push back the headache and stand seemed impossible, but I finally made it outside. I rounded the corner of the abandoned house by the big rock and emptied my stomach. I had not eaten, so there was naught to vomit, but I did anyway.

Disjointed voices floated over the garden wall next to me; and a yellowed light flickered off the tree branches and played on the large rock I was leaning on. I was sure the people had heard me, and embarrassment flooded me. I climbed atop the rock and lay on my back till the shakiness that was the aftermath of the illness had passed. The light breeze coming off the Rumare was soothing, tinged with the faintest hint of the forest that lay on the other shore. The sky above me was clear, stars in layers of varying depths dotted each tier as the colors merged from deep blue to an inky black void. The Gods had that enormous playground to enjoy, a place more beautiful than words could describe, yet continued in their cruel manipulations of my life as if I was a thorn in their side.

A man's voice roused me from my reverie, his deep and resonating tones marring the peace that should be expected at this hour. I could not make out the words, so stood up on the rock and looked over the garden wall. There was a group of people standing in front of a man holding a torch, and he was speaking to them. Maybe he was a prophet of the Gods, one that would tell me why they continually sought to play against my happiness with their machinations, or tell me what I had done to incur their displeasure and enmity.

The white shaft of my arm gleaming up at me in the darkness seemed a mocking answer to that thought. The curse of being born albino. The Gods see fit to make a game of me in the midst of others who are blessed with normal, happy lives; while every time I seek the same for myself it is dangled before me, only to be yanked from me before I can grasp it. I crave the joy of friends and love, but am destined for lonliness and pain because I had the audacity to be born less than...just less than. Those feelings had been long since buried, but they reared up again now, taunting. I would always be thus. I had thought the taint of being an albino had died in my childhood, but it seems the Gods will never forget, even if the people I meet no longer seem to notice.

I would hear this prophet then, and ask him why. I walked around the corner and stood with the others, listening to the man speaking.

He spoke, not on the Gods or destiny; other than that which led us to find the garden that night. The man was no prophet, my appeal to the Gods would go unanswered here.

As I turned to leave though, something he said caught my attention. He was planning a race of sorts. A certain journal hidden somewhere in the Imperial City, that of a man named Amantius Allectus. We were to break into the man's house and steal this diary, the first one to arrive with it in our possession would be the winner.

To run at that moment was just what I needed, to escape the morbid depression that threatened to overwhelm me.

Foxy and I had combed every inch of the Imperial City during my training with him, I knew exactly where the house lay, and had already broken into it once while learning the art of lockpicking. I accepted the challenge.

I had the diary and was on my way back to the man with the torch before the others hit the district gates. Foxy had trained me well for this exact scenario, always timing me against myself. I discovered there is a greater feeling of accomplishment in racing against others for the same goal. It seems I stood well, thanks to my training from Foxy. Unlike breaking prisoners out of jail - which I had no experience at, this was a piece of cake.

When I returned with the journal the man introduced himself, his name was Armand Christophe. He explained that this was the Thieves Guild, and their master was the Gray Fox!

"The Gray Fox? I thought he was just legend?" I guess I should not have been shocked, but I was.

Armand glared at me. But he explained that I must steal some things of great value, and sell them to the Thieves Guild fences in order to earn enough for the Guild to keep it in operation. When I had performed well I would be given a contract.

"Armand, what happens if you steal something you really would like to have, can you purchase it back from the fence?" I had something come to mind suddenly.

"Yes, if you purchase it back right away, but if you leave and come back it may be sold. The fence will not hold an item for you." Armand explained.

"Would it not be still considered stolen?" Armand was getting irritated with my questions, but I must know!

"No, once you purchase it back you will be given a bill of sale, and all identifying markers will have been removed by the fence before selling it back to you. You can then wear it in front of Ocato himself and no one will know it was once stolen." Armand's voice indicated he was getting short with me.

"Even if it is a very unique item?" I pressed on anyway.

"Yes, now are you going to ask questions all night or get to work?" Armand released his ire.

"Where do I find this fence?" I pressed my luck further.

"Ongar The World-Weary. He lives up in Bruma. Now get off my back and get to work!"

"Yes sir!" I said with a grin, this could not have come at a better time!

I was going to need every bit of Foxy's lessons to pull this off!


***


When Maxical stormed out of the Best Defense, Fathis stood in shock, staying in the same stance for an extended minute. Maxical had always worshipped him as a god, had never shown anger against him since that first day he brought her to the Arcane. His cheek stung from the slap, it had that much force behind it. Had he gone too far? Had his jealousy caused him to kill forever the love Maxical had for him? He resisted an urge to touch the burning imprint on his cheek.

Well, if he would lose her, then he would see that she never got the armor; or she would have to come back to him if she wanted it! Spinning around Fathis found Maro and Varnado standing like statues, gawking at him.

"Put your eyes back in your heads and get me that armor. I will buy it." Fathis demanded.

"The lady has the first call on the armor" they both said together.

"But she just walked out!" Fathis fumed.

"You chased her off," Varnado said, "she was ready to buy it till you came in and upset her!"

"I'll pay you double that ridiculous price you have on it, and you know that is way over the value of it!" Fathis pulled out his purse, making a show of jingling the septims loudly.

Maro and Varnodo just shook their heads no.

"Double what you are asking for it, did you hear me you fools? How do you stay in business?" Fathis was beginning to turn purple again.

Fathis tried bribes and threats, none worked. Steam began to rise off him as his rage took over. His shouting could be heard easily from the street by now; and people began crowding into the shop to watch the excitement, ogling Fathis as the purpling took over his face.

Fathis was livid! What were these people doing in the shop staring at him? His shouting began to shake the rafters, causing whisps of dust to float down on the heads of those beneath them. Fathis then stormed out, pushing people out of his way to reach the door.

A guard making his way up the steps into the shop to witness the excitement nearly collided with Fathis on his way out.

"Watch where you're going!" Fathis snarled.

***

The guard immediately ran into the shop. "What happened here?"

"It's on again!" Maro and Varnado said in unison. Oh how they wished they could speak Khajiit, think how much they would have to tell!

"Fathis and that white Khajiit? You mean IT is on? They are both going after that Golden Armor again?" The guard asked, his excitement growing as he watched Maro and Varnado nodding their heads yes to all his questions.

"I'll pick up your ale tonight at the Feed Bag, I want details!" The guard shouted as he barreled out the door.

The guard shot out of the shop and down to his barracks shouting to every guard he passed, "It's on again! Fathis and the Khajiit!"

The people crowding the store pushed out behind the guard and began running from shop to shop, popping their heads in the door yelling, "Fathis and the Khajiit - it's on again!"


***




*** http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/20/l_dfa96e464c2342908b9342765a5e3c13.jpg






*** Finding The Thieves Guild


http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/54/l_14d6a3a3bdbb4961aa07cd898ce45ac4.jpg



http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/21/l_3541542aadd643a5ad1b0c8ecf316dfe.jpg



http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/10/l_a96dafb5dad24c43880e1bd3fcb04866.jpg


http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/61/l_44bb06c4f8ce4ef99d364a2b1233f87a.jpg

Now I see where things are going! That was fun, but it seemed a little quick given how much happened in it.

One big nitpic, You hopped heads three times during the section on Fathis. You started out telling it from Fathis' pov, then switched to Varnado when he wished he could speak Khajiit, then jumped back to Fathis again where he is wondering why everyone is staring at him. You need to keep in a single pov, otherwise it is extremely jarring. If you want to show the same scene from Varnado's pov, then you have to break out an entirely new section of text to do it in. So tell it all from Fathis' pov, make a break *** so we know we are changing scenes, then tell it from Varnado's pov. Check down at the bottom of that article I sent you on Viewpoints, there is a whole section there on this.

Thank you so much SubRosa! I think it is fixed now. (Plus I fixed the errors on that last chapter you pointed out) - I appreciate that help a lot!

:read: I read this early, then again after you made some edits.

This was great fun to read. I was proud of myself that I readily figured out the reason for all of Maxical's fencing related questions. What a wonderful way to introduce the Thieves Guild - Maxical has a purpose for them!

Nice brisk pace, yet I didn't feel rushed. Plenty of variety. Another winner mALX!

I didn't want to spam your thread, so let me take this oportunity to say a couple things not related to this story:
- Congrats on your new thread!
- Thanks for the kind words in your opening post. We have helped and dragged each other along quite a bit!

Edit: Oh, I almost forgot, since you added them during edit - your screenshots are great! :goodjob:

Thank you very much Acadian, you are very appreciated!


@ EVERYONE!! - BTW, if anyone wants to, I have a bunch of screenshots up on Maxical's Myspace (the link is in my signature) - some hot scenes and cool scenes, lol.

Speaking of screenshots, I was going to mention that if you open the console and type tm, it will turn the menus off. That allows you to take screenshots like http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/subrosa_florens/oblivion/Oblivion172.jpg. If you also type in tfc, it will free the camera from your character, allowing you to take a picture from any angle or distance you desire.

Oh, I have to write that down! I had the camera free when possible, but people kept walking away from her that she was supposed to be doing the photo with, lol. SubRosa, that pic is Awesome!

Type in tai to stop people. What it does is toggle the AI. If you select one target it stops that individual. If you have nothing targeted it shuts down every AI.

Oh you are kidding! I have never found that one, and I spent the last few days chasing NPC's around !!!!

Thread no. 3 Yippee :twirl:
Was it my imagination or did thread no.2 charge by faster than M'aiq the liar ?? :lmao:

I do hope that this story NEVER ends. Where else can I get my daily fix of laughter and pure writing magic ??

Maxical and the thieves guild.
Now this should be good.
Just hold on a sec while I edge my chair a bit closer....

The new makeup is just lovely. All that beauty and totally wacky too. What a combination.

Yes - I loved her before, of course - but I have totally fallen in love with her again with this makeover. I have never played in 3rd person before, always in first person. I found out that there was so much I have been missing that happens in the game by playing first person. See, I have been writing this story based on how other NPC's reacted to my character, never knowing she was having reactions of her own because I couldn't see what she was doing. Because I did the makeover, I wanted to see what she looked like doing the different things for screenshots (and getting used to the 3rd person camera control has been a bit awkward)

What I have witnessed is her reactions to what is going on around her. It has been a huge revelation to me, I have seen her refuse to look at one man no matter how I pushed her close to him - would not look at him! But other men she would positively stare at, and as I pulled her away she would still be turning back around to look at them! Also (In the folder titled "Manheim" ) There is a pic of Maxical looking up at the ceiling, and she kept doing that !! I tried to aim the camera up there, could see nothing, even with Life Detect on!

Getting her makeover has been an unbelievable experience and education for me.







Thank you Winter Wolf !! I appreciate so much your staying with Maxical through three threads !! You, and everyone on here - have been Awesome about helping me improve. Reading back on this chapter, I felt like I was slipping back to "telling" - like I used to do before everyone on here helped me to write better. I was not happy with it as an opening thread post, we needed a good Foxy to open the thread off, lol.

*** With the above thought in mind, I have re-written the chapter, I hope those that have already read it will re-read, see if that is a little better. I know it is an imposition to ask - but will greatly appreciate anyone who can - Thank you.

I hope everyone on here knows how much I appreciate you all !!!

I play most of the game in 3rd person, as I have an easier time seeing the world around me, especially things beside and behind me, which you cannot see in 1st person unless you turn. I only switch to 1st person when I am using a ranged attack, since targeting in 3rd person is just about impossible.

It is funny you mention Maxical's reactions. Are you going to change any of your future plot ideas based on how she is acting in the game? For example, http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/subrosa_florens/oblivion/Oblivion127.jpg reaction by both characters in the game wound up having a profound effect on the Teresa fiction.

It's a female Fathis! Who is that? Oh, and standing in the Mage's Guild, just like Maxical's screenshots of Fathis on the Myspace album! I believe that Mage's guild puts off vibes of romance or something, lol.

In answer to your question, I don't know. I have to get the screen shots off this PC game, and it is totally different than the glitched game on the 360 - Maxical is different, or I am seeing sides of her I never witnessed before. I wondered the same thing as I was getting those screenshots. I think the first thing I need to do is start playing the 360 game in 3rd person to see what I have been missing on it - then decide if changes need to be made.

By the way, SubRosa - I hate to ask, but I have just re-written the chapter above, would you mind taking another look at it for me? I know it is an imposition, but I did not like the chapter as posted at all, and fretted over it all night. This morning I started the re-write.

:read: I reread your story after your big edits to the beginning portions. Paragraphs 2-4 are the most creatively beautiful descriptions I have ever seen you write. They fit the serious scene you paint. :trophy:

I look forward, in future stories, to seeing you incorporate that newfound descriptive beauty into Maxical's light, 'bumbling' and humorous scenes as well!

That is Tadrose Helas, and the pic is in the Bravil Fighter's Guild. It looks like the Mages Guild because they are both in Bravil, and so have the same-looking interior.


The added descriptions are wonderful! This is a big improvement from before. I especially liked how you described Maxical's anguish at being born an outsider. You really capture the resentment for the 'beautiful people' that those not born so lucky can easily feel.


I found a few nitpicks:

I had not eaten, there was naught to vomit, but I did anyway.

I think you might have wanted a word in there:

I had not eaten, so there was naught to vomit, but I did anyway.


You really should put a divider between these to lines, as they mark a change in pov:


"Watch where you're going!" Fathis snarled.

***

The guard immediately ran into the shop. "What happened here?"

The original version was rather like an old, creaky bus- it got the story where it needed to go, with many fits and starts. The revision is a luxury car, with all those little touches that make the ride almost more important than the destination. And now to drop my metaphor before I drive it into the ditch....

The descriptive touches show your genius and your love for your character- they allow us to inhabit her world, her skin, where before I felt more like a spectator.

Wonderful. The lesson for today is: "Do not rush yourself. It is worth taking the time to say it beautifully."

I know we are all addicted and want new Maxical adventures hourly- but I also know we will wait for them when we must.

I love the rewrite mALX.
Reading it I felt a very important door had been opened in your writing journey.
Depth, feelings, description and discovery are now flooding through.

Awesome.

Let me also add that it's a LOT smoother and ... deeper ... as well with the rewrite.

Revision is my weak point, so every time I see someone do it - and do it well - I salute!

:bowdown:

Well done grasshopper. The rewrite adds rich harmonies to the story's melody.

The first time I switched to 3rd person, as Angel trotted along the road to Chorrol, my heart just melted. So small and vulnerable, she epitomized pluck and determination. She tends to smile at everyone she meets and always looks them in the eyes.

@ Acadian, Winter Wolf, D.Foxy, Treydog, and SubRosa - Thank you so much for re-reading and giving me an opportunity to redeem myself! You all are Awesome to do that for me, and I appreciate it so much!


SubRosa - done! Thank you very much!
Treydog - I love your metaphor! Lol




Getting on the PC to do the screenshots has me a bit messed up temporarily. The PC Maxical will have nothing to do with Manheim, not even to look at him! Every pic looks like they are fighting, and in several her eyes are glittering! Manheim looks a little interested, but not like he is on that 360 game. - it must be part of that weird glitch, or the 360 Maxical has a whopping personality, lol. I know it isn't her figure drawing the attention, lol.

PC Maxical does seem to like Fathis (and every other Dunmer in the game), but Fathis is not as interested in her as the Fathis on the 360 game is, lol.

Also, Alix on my PC game appears to be enamoured with Maxical, lol.

PC Maxical seems to be drawn like a fly toward every guard she sees, which actually fits in a bit with the story, since she has never stopped looking for the guard that saved her life.

PC Maxical also couldn't stop staring at Owyn, even turning around to stare as she walked away from him! I am quite afraid those briasts went to her head, lol.

However - both Maxical's got a huge response from Count Hassildor! In both games he is all over them like candy! I got some great pics of him, and did not have to toggle his AI in the slightest to get them! (however, I did have to do the guard to keep from being arrested, lol) - Of course, that story is coming up with Foxy's next chapters.

Thank you Master Po. It really means a lot to me that everyone took the time to re-read it - it was just like that darn Chapter one, I hated it till I re-wrote it. I could not sleep last night for fretting about this chapter, I would have yanked it off here if I could have, to keep anyone from reading it. I felt miserable, but I like it much better now.

How cute Angel must have looked!

This is the first time I have played in third, and it was shocking to me all the little things my character did that I never saw because I was in first person! This is my 18th game, and I feel like I missed out on so much!