Necromancy, vampires, flesh-rotten corpses!

The sun has really faded on Maxical's world hasn't it?

Like others have said, the recap of her exploits at the Arcane University was priceless.

I honestly have no idea where you are going to take us next, and I love it! :goodjob:

@ Hauteecole Rider - And I was worried I may gross out the readers! ROFL! - Thanks for easing my mind on that, I actually was worried I had offended. I try to edit out the really gross parts I write in...Just Kidding! Thank you so much, it means so much to me to hear from you, especially after reading some of your own work - can't wait till you start posting!

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@ SubRosa the Minx - I have to say SubRosa that no one can do an emotional scene like you can, You ROCK !!!

I fixed the nit, and it does read much better now (I think). I wasn't sure if you were serious about the exclamation point, but if you are I will fix it too. (As you know, I am more than ready to fill a page with them, and 99.999% of the time have to hold back from throwing them in there, lol.

I'll have you know that I was forced to do this filler or I would have spammed you to death to post! (little Minx !!!) I love what you did with the crossover! Awesome write, and you had me in tears again with it, it is touching no matter how many times I read it - your writing did that, you are never afraid to take that extra depth with a character. I can't thank you enough for your support!!!

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@ Acadian - Thank you so very much, and it does read a lot better that way, you were right! It really means a lot to hear the praise from you, I know it is not lightly given, so means that much more when I hear it !!!! You know how much your support means to me!

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@ Winter Wolf - Thank you, Thank You!!! I got a kick out of that too, and can't wait till he discovers it is going on with him a party to it!! I have pictured the scene, but haven't written it out yet. Lucky thing he is behind bars when he realizes he has participated in necromancy, ROFL !!! I think you know how much your support means to me, you follow the hidden trails through my story and keep me on my toes constantly - either making sure there are no loose ends, or hiding a clue because I know you will pick up on it! You are AWESOME !!!

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@ Rachel The Breton - Thank you so very much! As a huge fan of your ability to develop characters and maintain humor throughout - knowing Maxical was liked was huge to me. Knowing the rest of my characters came across as intended is Awesome!

The unbelievable talents that have chosen to read Maxical keep me trying to improve constantly, not just with their critiques; mostly knowing what they are capable of doing with the same group of words I have to choose from - it really hits home when I read their works and then go see what I posted. (Which is why you will see me re-writing my posted chapters for an hour after I post each time, lol.

I am really glad you mentioned Zima (and won't ask about the name * she says as she throws Zima bottle in receptacle *) - because in writing Maxical's personality I tried to use a combination of my children (all banshees) and one particular cat that created more havoc and mischief - almost than my children did. Between the children, the cat, and my rottweiler that I had at the same time - we were not a welcome sight anywhere we went, ROFL !!! (although the dog eventually became obedient - that is a story in itself)

It means a lot to me that you have read and liked the story, Thank you so much again!

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@ Leydenne - Thank you so much Leydenne, and it is so GOOD to have you back! I hope you enjoyed your vacation!

Er...shouldn't I be writing her INTO this situation? ROFL - Just kidding.

I blame SubRosa (the Minx) for this whole thing * ducks * - she told me to write six scenes for each of my characters to decide which deserved the chance to...er...I mean which would be the one to take her virginity. So when things went kaflooey, I grabbed up the scene created for Janus (since he lost the draw by being too...too...) and tried to re-write it. Was he mad about being cut from the draw and that is why he killed her? (AKA: "If I can't have her, no one can!") Possibly, lol. - Just Kidding!

I am so glad you are back, the forum just isn't the same without you! (and by the way, why didn't they have an "End of Year Vote For Your Fave Mod?" thing for us to do? We could have given you this: :trophy: (Acadian and I both discussed we would vote for you if they did)

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@ Destri Melarg - Thank you so very much Destri - Whew, I am still blown away by reading your chapter this morning, you left me speechless! I hope it is not too gory, I will tone it down if it is - well, too late. I think I already went through the worst parts as far as gore go. Hmmm, I wonder if there can be varying degrees of darkness? ...

There are still a few surprises that will be coming up in this storyline, some even surprised me and I was hesitant to write them in unless I could find a way to tie them to the story - (Winter Wolf can follow a trail through a story like you would not believe and always keeps me on my toes, I can not leave any loose ends) - and I found some Awesome ways to tie them in, so they will be coming to post soon. (SubRosa has already picked up on one of the clues).

Thank you so much again Destri, your support means more to me than I can say, and if you ever think about stopping writing your story I will have Maxical haunt you!

That is what Teresa said during her night with Nerussa... :hubbahubba:




I have been thinking about it, and to my mind what they are going to do (resurrect Maxical) really does not fall under the heading of what people typically refer to as Necromancy. It may use some tools and methods associated with necromancy, such as black soul gems, but the aim is completely different than we have seen from any necromancers in ES. Now if they were going to animate her body with no soul and use it as a sock-puppet it would be. Or if they were going to stick her soul back in her rotting, still-dead flesh and use her as a slave for eternity it would also be. But putting her soul back in her body and giving it life again, leaving her a living, breathing person again under no one else's magical domination, it really does sound more like Restoration then Necromancy. Because they are literally restoring her to her normal state, rather than perverting her deathly state. The latter thing seems to be what necromancy is all about. If necromancers were doing the former - bringing people back to life - then people would love them!

Your points are absolutely spot on SubRosa. But try telling that to Traven!!
That old coot is so caught up in his delusions that everything that involves the dead is classed as profanity.

@ Subrosa the Minx - The key words are "Because they are literally restoring her to her normal state" - but will she be? There is no way of knowing whether there will be residual repercussions from this, especially with the use of Janus's blood (but what alternative is there?).

As far as the tools go, when Falcar was discovered with black soul gems he was removed from the Mages Guild, and would probably have been prosecuted if he had not sealed himself into Silorn, (is that what the contingency of battlemages was sent there to do? I can't remember).

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@ Winter Wolf - Traven's stand against necromancy seemed to be a lot of vocalizations with very little real actions taken except by the player, if they chose. The most action I have seen out of Traven so far has been with Marie in my story, lol. In my games he is always in bed, I have to wake him constantly to further the questlines. I always wondered if anyone played a vampire if they ever fed on him, since he sleeps a good portion of the time. Also, I wanted to check his AI in the construction set to see if that is a discrepancy or conflict. (like Marie, whose AI conflicts with itself causing her to sleep when she is supposed to be upstairs healing people - just in case anyone ever wondered why it takes forever to get a healer in Skingrad).

In all of my games (Xbox here), Traven goes to bed late and sleeps late, much like Raminus Polus.

I don't go to the healer so much, so I haven't noticed Marie's hours. The few times I have gone into the Chapel, she has been there about half the times, and not the other half.

Could it be that Traven and Marie are more of an item than we suspected? :hubbahubba:

Muhahahahaha! :chaos: Then she can go on to rule the world from beyond the grave!!!! bliviongate:



The quest to go to Silorn was not aimed at Falcar specificially, but rather to get the Super-Sized black soul gem there needed for Traven's soul. Falcar being there was just an added bonus. Although clearly in this case Traven did not mind using a black soul gem, as he used it on himself!

I am not really positive on the legality of black soul gems in Tamriel. Falcar had to flee the Mages Guild because he sent Vidkun to his death, and then covered it up (remember his body was floating in the well when you did the recommendation quest). It was only after that revelation and his running away that you find the black soul gems in his stuff. That is not to say they would not get him prosecuted too, but it is not to say it would either. I know a character of mine found some black soul gems in a necromancer lair and had no trouble selling them to the Mages Guild.


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If you look at the game and the books you see in it, the people at the Mages Guild say Traven is the first to take a hard stance against necromancy. But that is the extent of it. If you look at http://www.imperial-library.info/obbooks/black_arts_on_trial.shtml (which documents how the decision to ban necromancy from the Mages Guild was made), it says that necromancy is reviled throughout Tamriel, and basically Traven and the council took a stance against it to avoid the bad public opinion against them. "To embrace it publicly, the Mages Guild would inspire fear and hostility in the populace at large.... We will certainly lose our charters in many places including, very likely, the whole of Morrowind," It also says that the Psijics banned it ages ago, and that when Galerion the Mystic founded the Mages Guild he also banned it then. The strictures against it in the Mages Guild were never lifted. It has always banned. But after a while some people in the guild started ignoring it. So really Traven did not ban necromancy, nor is he really even the first person to take a hard stance against it. He just enforced the ban that had been in place for over a thousand years. He is simply following a long line of precedent against necromancy.

Many fans of necromancy like to paint Traven as some frothing madman, but that is in no place represented in the game. That is just the opinion of some individual players who want to roleplay it that way is all. It is a single player game, so there is nothing wrong with doing that. You can view the Septims as evil tyrants and Mythic Dawn as liberating heroes if you want. But that is just a personal opinion on the part of the individual. I personally find that view very difficult to reconcile with his sacrifice at the end of the MG questline. Let alone the fact that every time I talked to him (and he was awake every time, even in the middle of the night, so his sleeping might be a symptom of your weird game mALX) he was always very kind and pleasant. In the game he always came across to me as sort of a kindly old uncle. But that of course is my own opinion there based on his always smiling and speaking in a pleasant tone, and never saying anything wild or viscous.

As this is mALX's story, she is of course free to present Traven in whatever light she wants to as well. If she wants him to be a megalomaniac driven to destroy necromancers because they animated his pet cat when he was five it is her call. Or she could make him a doddering old fool who is nothing more than a puppet being controlled by Chancellor Ocato. Or she could make him a six-crazed hedonist who cannot be bothered with the day-to-day running of the guild and leaves it all to Raminus Polus, etc... Look at how Rachel the Breton portrayed Jauffre as a bloodthirsty psychopath! Bethesda may have created the world and the characters, but we can do whatever we want to with them.

....Uh.... ROFL !!! - just kidding.

Oh, I couldn't remember whether he knew about the giant black soul gem before he sent the mages or what.

Actually, Traven does spend an inordinate amount of time sleeping in all my 360 games, but he is always nice when he is up, even when I go into his bedroom and wake him constantly. Like you said, like a kindly old uncle. (in my PC game he has lost 20 years, and his long silver hair is tied back in a pony tail, ROFL !!)

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@ Hauteecole Rider - I thought that was a good match, unless the player goes into either's bedroom they will never know if they are really in there by themselves, lol !!

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Chapter 56: Melisande and Janus


Janus pulled himself up and staggered to the doorway, the sound of shrieking was echoing from within and getting louder, coming closer. Just as the cement slab was sliding into place a clawed hand shot out and clutched his sleeve. There was the sound of crunching bones, and then a horrible scream was heard coming through the huge slab. He jerked back from the hand but it remained clinging to his sleeve, the arm dangling freely below, severed at the forearm.

With a roar Janus ripped the clawed hand from his arm. He backed away from the mangled arm that lay in a small puddle of its own blood and the spray of blood that painted one side of the cement slab doorway. Heaving, he staggered across the lawn of the courtyard and collapsed on the grass.

"Melisande, what happened in there? What was all that? I thought she may die, I was prepared for that. But that was?nothing like I expected. What was that?"

"Janus, your wife died long ago. Either in the attack itself, or thereabouts from the condition of her decomposition. Her soul was gone long ago. The only thing that kept her alive was the vampire. What you saw die happened over 50 years ago, but was held in time till we released the vampire from her body. You have been caring for a corpse all these years. You can rest easy that you did the right thing."

"But what about me? Did I die then as well? Is that all I am, a rotting, stinking mound of decomposition? How do I know that is not me too? For the first time since a few years after the attack I feel vile. And I am wanting to marry one of purity and innocence, will I taint her? When I put my blood in her will she be thus as well? We know she is dead now, will I only be bringing her to that?" The horror was evident in Janus's voice.

"You are immortal, so unless you want the cure, we will never know. Your wife had no soul, we would have seen it if she had. As long as she was alive there was no way to know, only in death is it revealed when one's soul has slipped before the body follows. It was a good thing you released yourself from that. It will be different with Maxical than it was with Rona. Remember, we have her soul."

"Are you sure we have Maxical's soul? It disappeared. Then we left. Where is it?" Janus's tone clearly showed his skepticism.

Melisande hesitated. "I have it. It is trapped in a soul gem. I will show you, but you cannot tell Traven about this."

"I thought soul gems were just for animals, how were you able to do it?" Janus sat up and leaned over, watching her remove a leather satchel from the front of her dress and untie it.

She held out her hand with a large black stone in it that seemed to gleam in the gathering dusk of the evening till he leaned in for a closer look. A thread of silver moved in its depths.

"What is that? I've never seen a soul gem that looked like that before. Why is it black?" Suspicion clouded Janus's voice.

"This is a black soul gem. It is used for mortal souls." Melisande said, the challenge clear in her tone.

"A black soul gem? Isn't that what necromancers use? Oh dear Gods what are we doing?" Janus pressed his thumb hard into his brow as if he was struggling against accepting what Melisande was telling him, creating a deep furrow in the cowl where his thumb creased into it.

"We are bringing Maxical back in the only way it can be done." Melisande used her words like a whip to cut across the hysteria she could hear rising in his voice. It had the desired effect; Janus visibly calmed, his shoulders slumped as if resigned to what they must do.

"Are you sure the soul is hers? Can I hold it? ? Please." Janus reached his hand out.

Melisande hesitated. "Do it no harm. It is her only chance."

"I won't?please." Janus pulled his cowl back, looking into her face as he asked.

Melisande looked deeply into his eyes, for once seeing them without the cowl there to obscure her reading of them. How important it was to him could be seen in those depths. She carefully placed the soul gem in Janus's outstretched hand.

"It feels warm?the warmth positively emanates from it!" Janus held the stone close to his face, his voice filled with awe. "What is that? It looks like smoke moves within the stone!"

"That is her soul. It lives in there, waiting for us to release it back into her body." Melisande said softly, watching him.

Tears began rolling down Janus's face as he watched the silvery movements within the soul gem.

"I am so sorry Maxical. I never meant to hurt you." He whispered to the gem in his hand.

His tears began dropping onto the gem, and he tried to wipe it dry again on his velvet robe.

He stopped suddenly, moving the stone away from his chest. "What was that?" He asked, sounding slightly stunned.

He moved the stone back to his chest and held it over his heart. "Just now when the stone was over my heart, it leapt. Not the stone, my heart. What caused that?"

Melisande was surprised, but not pleased that he had the same reaction she did to the soul gem being close to her heart. She wondered what it meant too.

"Give it to me! It may be stressful for her to be so close to the one who killed her! You have not wiped her soul's memory. Give it back to me now!" Melisande could not be sure why she felt such a strong anger over Janus feeling the same reaction she had, but suddenly she couldn't stand the thought of Janus holding Maxical's soul in his hands.

Janus kissed the stone and whispered "I'm so sorry," before gently placing it in Melisande's palm.

She carefully put it away in its pouch and tucked it against her heart again, wishing she had never let him hold it.

With an edge she couldn't keep from her voice Melisande prompted Janus. "The screaming has stopped in the crypt now, or the duenna has moved away from the door. You must end that Janus. It is the last vestige of the evil that overtook your wife. You have to end it."

"How did you know about the duenna? I never knew and I saw her regularly all these years, yet you knew in minutes with all that going on, How?" Janus had not moved to rise; instead he leaned back, watching as Melisande responded.

"Janus, did you never wonder how the duenna could have been your wife's childhood nanny, raise her; and yet still be caring for her over 50 years later, never aging? Did you never wonder why she didn't age?" Melisande asked, knowing the answer.

"I never really thought about it." That he knew his answer was inadequate was reflected in his voice.

"Janus, you have isolated yourself because of the vampirism, I understand that. But you have isolated much more than your body. You are so wrapped up in yourself that you see nothing that goes on around you. It does not seem to be ego, but rather a total neglect of thought towards anything that you don't perceive as being importantly related to you. It is an enormous flaw for one who is responsible for running a whole county full of citizens. It is also a terrible flaw to bring into a relationship. Unless you can change that about you I would not feel good regarding the child's future with you." Melisande kept her tone soft, but her words had an obvious impact on Janus.

"Do you not think all that has happened in the past week has created a change in me? I feel I will never be the same again after the things I have seen and done. Maybe because Rona and I didn't age normally, maybe I just never noticed the duenna didn't. You can't base how I would treat Maxical on my not noticing the duenna aging. Maxical was very happy with me." His tone was defensive.

"I think you would do whatever it took to have her with you forever whether it would be what she would want or not. If she comes back and decides she wants to leave, will you let her go without casting any spell over her? You are insisting on your blood, but what about when her supply cleans that out? Will you not burn for her to have your gift?" Melisande was unable to keep the anger or derision from her voice.

"I have not before, nor won't use the spell on her. I want her to come of her own free will. Of course I want her to spend eternity with me; but I will not press what she doesn't want on her. That I have vowed long before today."

That this was the truth was evident in his voice, but seemed to inflame Melisande even further.

"You talk high and mighty for one who murdered her because you could not stop yourself from drinking her blood. I would rather you have cast the spell and taken the virginity from her than kill her, but either would be taking from her something she did not willingly give you. She obviously trusted you, and you were not worthy of that trust. How then should I trust you at your word to help you bring her back?" She spat the words at him, her eyes burning into his cowl.

"Are you saying you will not help me because I didn't notice the duenna's age? I do not understand." A note of panic had crept into his voice. "You are my only hope to get Maxical back, I need you Melisande! I can't change what I did that day, don't you realize I think of what I should have done differently every second of each day?"

"My only real concern is the child. I am not saying I won't save her. I am saying the child will stay with me till I see how you act and how she feels about it. I won't bring her back just to throw her to the man who murdered her. You are paying me to bring her back to life, not give her to you." Melisande was struggling to control herself, still not understanding why she was fighting with him over the child instead of just accepting the Septims she could well use.

"Then you must stay here at the castle, for I don't want her over there at Drakelowe where I will never see her." His relief that she still intended to save Maxical was evident in his voice.

"I will agree to that. But she stays in my room, and if you call her to your suite I come as well." Melisande had her anger under control now, her tone was firm, but her voice had gone back to its usual soft lilt.

"The bodyguard is perfectly capable as a chaperone. Don't forget she lived with me for months and I never touched her. Also, she will be a vampire for some time afterward. You may be glad of my assistance. She cannot kill me, nor turn me like Rona did the duenna."

"We will make those arrangements as they arise. That crypt may be just the spot to keep her while the vampire blood runs in her. It will need to be thoroughly cleaned though." Melisande backed down, unsure why she had started the fight in the first place, it wasn't the first time she had helped someone she despised. There was something about Maxical's soul that was affecting her.

"I will see that it gets done. Hal-Liurz can make all the arrangements for Rona's burial and put the notice in the Black Horse Courier. That will keep me freed up so we can concentrate on getting Maxical back as soon as possible."

"You know if you get even a scratch from that duenna we will not be able to use any of your blood. We will be forced to use mine or Traven's. I would prefer mine, since Traven has been sixually active in recent days. No telling whether he contracted any germs. Especially with the filth inside that cell. You should have at least offered them an urn to relieve themselves, Janus. Or a clean mattress. Or have someone clean the cell. These are gentle people, not criminal scum. There is no excuse for how you have been treating them."

"Dear Gods, I had just never thought of any of that! I will see that all those things are taken care of as well." Janus shifted uncomfortably.

"Well you are a total idiot if you didn't. That is Arch Mage Traven, a highly respected official for the Arcane University, and that little Marie is a Priestess of Healing at the Chapel of Arkay. How can you be so insensitive to other people's needs? Do you even feed them? That is why I assumed you meant to kill them, for if you ever release them your little house of cards you spent your life building will be tumbling very rapidly. Not that I am suggesting you kill them at all. I suggest you start treating them with the respect their station in life should be shown, whether you continue to hold them prisoner or not."

"I'm sure my staff has been bringing them food, but I will see to it that they are given whatever meals I receive. I am sure the jailor cleans their cell."

"Not true. It was not clean when I arrived, and has not been cleaned since. Would you live in that? It is a testament to them that they have not made your lack of accommodations known to you themselves."

"Well if they had I would have put it to rights immediately."

"Have you no eyes? Doesn't that vampire nose give you a sensitivity to smell? Why should they need to complain to get the basics of comfort? Maybe they never complained because they assumed you meant to kill them when this was over." Melisande's eyes bored into the cowl.

"You act like you don't believe I will let them live when this is over. It's true, I never thought about these things. The situation with Maxical has consumed my mind?I assumed my staff?but I will take charge of this situation, their comfort will be a top priority. I am sorry."

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to them. I won't let you treat me badly enough that any apologies will ever need to be made to me." Melisande said, still staring directly into his cowl.

"No doubt." Janus muttered turning his head nervously as if her piercing eyes had unnerved him.



*

It's still a 'chick' story but I love it.

I love chick stories...

Wow, what to say? A very strong story using primarily dialogue to move it along and show us everything. I do not think I have seen you use dialogue to such an extent before. Bravo on stretching your writing skillz! :celebration:

I liked Melisande's jealous reaction to Janus holding Maxical's soul. You have been steadily implying more and more with her feelings for Maxical. Why am I thinking that our favorite white Khajiit's first time might not be with a sausage at all, but perhaps with a fish?


A few nits:
It will be different with Maxical than it was with Rona, remember we have her soul? "
I am not sure you want a question mark there. It seems more like a statement. In any case you left a space between the punctuation mark and the closing quotation.


Just an observation, which you should feel free to ignore, but the entire conversation between Melisande and Janus about Maxical in the soul gem looks kind of sparse with the lack of speech tags. Perhaps you could put a few speech tags in there, and maybe add some description of the people speaking. It might make the entire sequence seem more animated. Like this:

"I thought soul gems were just for animals?" Janus asked, his brow furrowing in thought. "How were you able to do it? What is that? Why is it black?"


I looked up http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Oblivion%3a%44rakelowe, and it says it is on the Reed River, not the Corbolo.


Marie is a Priest of Healing
Should not Marie be a Priestess, or is there something about her that we do not know (and that certainly puts an interesting spin on her relationship with Traven!)

I must completely agree with sage SubRosa! I also agree that a tiny bit more use of speech tags would be helpful, but not critical.

Yes, just a very well-written story. Loads of writing skill evident here.

Do you take requests? I want more Alix the mouse! Without Maxical around, he's my fave!

I bet when you started writing this you could never guess that one day a crying vampire would be holding her soul in a smelly crypt beneath Skingrad. :lmao:

The part where his heart jumped was very good. Especially the way you left it open as to what it really meant.
I like. I like. :twirl:

I love Melisande's firmness with Janus. He can be such an idiot sometimes. She manages to slap him upside the head with just the dialogue, but I love it!

Ditto to what everyone else said above! I think this is the best stretch of dialogue I've seen in a while, and very, very compelling.

Wonderful, mALX1! More, more, more!

@ Master Po - I am so glad you like it, because try as I might I cannot write like a guy, it just isn't in me I guess. It means the world to me when you stop by and read, and even more that you are writing again. Thank you so much Master Po, you are very appreciated. You ROCK and always will.

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@ SubRosa the Minx - ROFL !! You have kept me rolling tonight! Thank you so much for your tips, I don't think I fixed them correctly though. Somehow I get the feeling of head-hopping going on now. Gaaah! If you happen to check, will you see if it looks okay? Thank you, thank you so much SubRosa, you are Awesome!

PS: It could be turkey sausage or imitation crab meat.

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@ Acadian - Thank you very much Acadian! I only do requests for bribes in advance, Treydog sends me gorgeous artwork if he wants the story to head a certain direction!! Lol, just kidding! I have already PM'd you to beg for a re-check on my tags (hope, hope), I get a bad feeling I have head-hopped around here. I appreciate you a lot for all your help and support!

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@ Winter Wolf - Aaahh, I knew you would be one to pick up on it, SubRosa caught it as well - I did not add it till I could tie it to the story, I think you will like where it leads (I hope!) !!! Thank you so much Winter Wolf, it is that much more exciting to write knowing you are reading, because you never miss a trick!!

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@ Hauteecole Rider - Oh, I love how you put that! (slapping him upside the head with dialogue) Thank you very much, I shy away from dialogue because I invariably end up head-hopping when I write it, lol - hence no tags on it! Well, I am pretty sure I will have to spend tomorrow fixing the head-hopping now that I have added tags, lol. Thank you again, You ROCK !!

I hope you realize that you have thoroughly ruined Janus Hassildor for me!

Everytime I look at him I'll think of Melisande calling him a 'total idiot'.

One question and one small nit:



No telling whether he contracted any germs. Is that Melisande's way of calling Marie a 'ho? :hubbahubba:

The phrase 'use the bathroom' kind of breaks the spell that you so capably weave. Perhaps 'relieve themselves', or 'use the privy' might be better?

It was my pleasure to review the story again. You have indeed added some speech tags and they help make the story even better than it was.

Regarding head hopping. Yes. But that is one word for it. Another word for it is omniscient third person (I think?). I think perhaps some of your speech tags add an internal perspective. I'm not sure what your intent was regarding POV. I somehow suspect third person Melisande. If so, then numerous 'Janus' insights have crept in. Let me run a kaleidoscope of examples by you where you demonstrate the POV of Melisande or Janus. The bold parts are where you express a POV that could only reasonably be known by that char.



What to do? I'm certainly no expert. I kind of like it the way it is because: 1. I don't find it disruptive. 2. I enjoy hearing what the perspectives of both characters are. There is no doubt that you are changing perspectives though. If you insisted upon trying to use a strict limited perspective, it would seem easier to lock on to Melisande's POV for this story. Wow. We are getting pretty picky though - don't lose sight of the fact that it is a great story and told with much skill right out of the box!

When telling a story through dialogue, I think it can be hard to keep unintended POVs out of speech tags. Just something to watch for. I tend to do ok because I'm so locked into first person. Once I start using third person limited perspective for some stories, I just hope I can do as well as you do.

So is Maxical going to be a thrall or not? Find out in the next exciting episode of Maxical Journey..... :rofl:
Loved it mALX!

Acadian raises a very good point - it is difficult to write a limited third person POV. I've done it a couple of times, and it is hard to limit myself to what one character (and only one character) knows, without that character somehow becoming psychic. Not that there's something wrong with being a psychic, it's just, to me, a writer's crutch.

Still, the scene you just posted (and rewrote) flows well. I read through it and found myself immersed in it again, with little confusion about who was speaking what and when. It was enjoyable, and I felt like the story was moving forward, too, since they were addressing issues and solving them at the same time (what to do with the duenna, educating us about black soul gems, and providing for prisoners' basic needs).

Writing a limited third person POV is constricting at times. As I kept writing more and more stories, I started pushing myself to write strictly from this kind of POV. I've succeeded in sticking with it through an entire story very infrequently - many of my stories rotate between the POV of two or three characters. I find it easier to write one chapter from one POV, then write the next chapter from another POV - it also helps me to move things along plot-wise as well. Only once have I done the "head-hopping" throughout the story as you have done here, and that's in the one you read!

I know some people say it's important to decide how you're going to write the story from a POV perspective at the beginning - do you write this as first person (a la Acadian's Buffy), limited third person POV (a la bobg's Angel), or omniscient third-person POV (a la your Maxical). I've found sometimes that the story has its own ideas on who should be telling it. There were times I started out writing as a limited third-person POV, only to have another character insist on telling his side of the story, too.

I think that's what makes writing so much fun - you never know where you're going to end up, as the writer!

You are head-hopping. It is something I find to be jarring, as I cannot tell whose eyes I am seeing the story through.

I think one of the reasons people say that I can really make the characters I write come alive and have depth is because of how tightly I keep the point of view on them. It makes the characters more accessible, because just like us in the real world, they do not know what other people are thinking. They can only guess based on the other person's actions. When you show what everyone is thinking at once you are breaking the suspension of disbelief. Because again, in real life we do not know what everyone thinks. That is the problem with being omniscient, it gives a completely unreal feeling to the piece. Third Person Limited does restrict what you can show the reader, but you gain much more in intimacy with the character and smoothness of writing than you lose.

You can change viewpoints, but you have to stay with the same one for each entire scene is all. Remember that article on Viewpoint that I sent you a while back:

Viewpoint Rule Number One is:
Never change viewpoints when you don't have to, and never change viewpoints within a scene.

And rule number two is:
If you do change viewpoint-at the end of a scene or the beginning of a new chapter-make sure you reward your readers for their trouble, with an exciting new scene or chapter, or some compelling new information.

First of all, in the attempt of staying moderately on topic, allow me to say that your last chapter was very good, and very intriguing. I'm wondering what is it about the albino khajiit that make them so special...hmm...

As for Zima, it's actually a very mundane name...it means 'winter' in Russian...and I named her that because she's a rescue kitten who was abandoned in the first snow, after which I found her; after which she promptly went from emaciated, abused, cringing creature to fat, demanding tyrant.
It's funny that you mention your rottweiler in there...because Maxical reminds me often of my Rott too! The cat is generally mischievous and temperamental (she has not met with a cupboard or drawer that she cannot open, she used to practice chewing on my shoes, she has killed every houseplant I've ever planted, etc.), and the dog is mischievous and sweet (she has a weakness for food, which is generally what gets her into trouble...from jumping onto the counter (!!) to sneaking in and eating the cat's food) -- both of which you can see at points in Maxical's personality, although, thankfully, she gets into more amusing trouble. Anyway, they are slooooowlllllyyyyy but surely calming down, but we'll see, LOL.
Here's a picture of the cat after she lost a fight with her big brother. http://i991.photobucket.com/albums/af31/rford191/Pets/DSCN1444_1.jpg That pretty much sums up her personality. She's smaller and more manageable than the dog, LOL, but still so much trouble.
And here's the dog, Julia: http://i991.photobucket.com/albums/af31/rford191/Pets/JuliaScarf.jpg As you can tell, she's a fairly good sized dog...it's amazing the sort of capers she'll attempt. The other night she literally jumped up on to the kitchen counter before I caught her because she wanted to investigate what I had up there. She's another rescue; I got her from a shelter, and it's been an adventure seeing what sort of mischief she was apparently allowed to get away with before.
Anyhow, I can definitely tell the pet-influences on her personality! (And I'll say nothing as to the trouble making capers of me and my sister and four brothers growing up, and whether or not I find any similarities there. ) I love it!

mALX, I couldn't resist peeking at your story again. I see you have been very busy. I love it! It is all Melsande's pov now. I know (from many, many, many, many, previous edits, lol) what is supposed to going on in Janus' head. Your current story retains that. What Janus' thinks and feels is now clearly portrayed through his actions, words and expressions as perceived by Melisande. Well done! :goodjob:

I see you took SubRosa's suggestion and rewrote the chapter accordingly. It is much better, I think. Though the dialogue was pretty good before, you've managed to lose the head-hopping without losing the flow and naturalness of the read-through.

Great job on the rewrite! :goodjob:

@ Destri Melarg - She is actually trying to make him mad to get the vampire to come out, and he isn't getting mad, lol. Now that I have edited it to totally her point of view I guess I should add that fact in, but it should be made clear in the next chapter. Oh, thank you so much for that catch on "bathroom" - great call on that! Ho = she is not exactly calling her one...just unsure if she is or isn't - ROFL !! You ROCK Destri, Thank you so much, for all your support, you are very appreciated!
***
@ Acadian - I hate to tread so heavily on a friendship, I know you have been to the page three times now since your original read to check on my "fixes" - I feel awful about asking (but not enough to stop doing it? - ARGH! )
- Thank you Acadian, you know you are def appreciated, and Awesome whether you help or not - just extra so because you do. Thank you. SubRosa (the Minx) said I need to give you a present as a reward for having to wade through my head-hopping, here is an ice cream! Your PM's were invaluable in helping me straighten this out!
***
@ RemkoNL - Maxical the Worm Thrall, lol - she does look a bit like one in that first pic of her in the "Coming Back To Life" pic album on her Myspace, lol. Thank you so much RemkoNL - I appreciate you a lot!
***
@ Hauteecole Rider - I guess I kind of tried to cheat by not putting the tags up because I knew I would have a problem doing it right, lol. But after 16 hours of editing I think it reads a lot better !!! ROFL !! Just kidding.
Thank you so much, and I am going to bug you till you post your story, I love your writing! You are so appreciated for all your support and help !! The PM you sent (hopefully) taught me a trick that may help me avoid these in the future, Awesome idea! Thank you again for re-reading after I straightened out the head hopping, You ROCK !!
***
@ SubRosa the Minx - Thank you, thank you! I fixed (hopefully) all of it. - I knew when I left the tags off originally it was because I always mess up, lol. I learned a lot from your PM's, they explained it a lot better, so hopefully when the next segment with dialogue comes out I will do a little better on the pre-edit - I know you are busy, and that you took the time to help me on this means TONS, you are absolutely the Minx of Awesome!
***
@ Rachel the Breton - Aaahh, that is a secret to be revealed later, lol. What a wonderful story about your kitten! I def picture it! (I sent you mine so I wouldn't spam my own thread, lol.) Your cat is gorgeous, and so tiny! Isn't it funny how they can get one over on a big dog? That you came from a large family def shows in your writing, you handle chaos extremely well in your story!! Thank you so much Rachel, I am tickled to death that you read Maxical's story and like it!
********************************************************************************


Chapter 57: The Real Vampire Emerges


******* Janus, before entering the crypt

"Janus, we need to get moving on this. You must go in and kill that duenna if she still lives. You are the only one who can fight her. I made two bottles of that vampire cure, one for Stoker. I want you to take Stoker's potion in with you. If you can get her to drink it, she will surely die."

"If it was made for him, will it work on a vampire that Rona made?" Janus tried not to visualize what had happened when Rona drank the potion.

"They were both made from Rona's fluids. I could not get anyone else's from Traven, and did not trust Stoker enough to try and draw any from him. It will work on her."

"How will I get her to drink it? She will know what it did to Rona." He tried to picture the gentle woman he had known all these years, but all he could see was that last image as he sealed the crypt on her.

Janus watched the irritation gathering on Melisande's face as he continued to question her. A moonbeam brought her silver hair to glowing life, the gentle night breeze swirling the strands around her ageless face and piercing eyes. She looked every bit what he envisioned a witch would; sitting there in the moonlight, her body still but her head alive as if she conjured the movement like the trees in Murkwood did.

The Medusa had been the same. The air hung so still and heavy with its reeking dampness in Murkwood; yet their hair moved as if it somehow found a breeze as they emerged from the thick mist and slithered across the ground toward you.

"Janus, are you listening?" Melisande's sharp tone cut into his reverie, forcing his thoughts back onto having to reenter that crypt.

"Well she won't take it if I hand it to her!" He snapped. Dear Gods he did not want to go back in there, could she not tell?

"I packaged it in an empty health potion bottle. Trick her. Swap it for her healing potion; or just force it down her throat for gods' sake! Everything does not have to be done with propriety here Janus, we are talking about killing a vampire, not diddling the Emperor at a tea luncheon. When you are fighting dirt, you fight dirty." Melisande's words were sarcastic, but her tone was forceful.

Janus knew she was not going to let up till he went, but continued to stall for time; dreading even the thought of entering that crypt again.

"Well I can't exactly walk by her and exchange them. Why must we do this now? I feel completely drained right now both physically and emotionally."

"Janus, you must pull yourself together; gather your strength. You are dreading going in there because you are a man, any one would. But you are also a vampire, and this is how you must defeat her. The vampire will give you the strength you need to fight her. I will cast chameleon on you before you go so she cannot see you, and give you fire spells to burn her. As soon as you enter you must seal that cement slab back up behind you until she is dead, or she may escape. Remember, we need your blood pure, so battle from a distance if you can!"

"You want me to go in as a vampire? How? It comes at its own will."

"Make it come out."

"I don't know how to make it come out, it just happens on its own if I am hurt or ang?WHAT THE?" Janus groaned out a stream of curses as he doubled over holding his groin. "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" He roared, following it with a long chain of cussing that somehow had no repeated words in it. His fangs had extended fully out of his mouth and his eyes glowed fluorescent red in the depths of his cowl.

"You said hurt and anger would bring it out. Now you are hurt and angry?and a vampire. Heal later. Now are you ready to take care of that duenna?" Melisande asked, then muttered something indiscernible under her breath.

"Yes." Janus growled.

He started toward the chamber quickly while the vampire was still out, and as Melisande instructed him he did not heal himself first so the pain would keep the vampire out in full.

"Wait!" Melisande cast a chameleon spell on him. "Remember to seal the crypt door shut behind you so she can't escape. Her mistress is not here to hold her in there anymore. Janus! You must have that fire in your hand ready to go before you go inside!"

Janus chose the strongest fire spells and loaded them into his hand, ready to cast them at will. He entered the crypt as quickly as possible, spinning around and sealing it back behind him. Once inside he no longer needed to stay in pain to keep the vampire out, fear over what lay ahead sustained it. He could not let her touch him, or Maxical would not get his blood. He could not let that happen.

Without making a sound he crept down the walkway to the door of the chamber, following the trail of blood the duenna had left behind. Horrible screams could be heard coming from inside. She was still alive.

There was no way to open the door into the chamber quietly, it groaned and creaked loudly as he pulled it open.

Sneaking down the corridor toward the snarling shrieks he rounded the corner slowly and quietly, and was glad he had been cautious. The duenna was right at the edge of the chamber, still within the corridor. It would be very hard to fight her here without getting injured, there was no where to move around and avoid her if she attacked.

The pleasant middle aged woman was no more. Instead her eyes glowed a bright red, fangs stuck out of her mouth oozing a liquid that looked like red wine. Her face was imprinted with a shading that seemed to form a large white cross that covered both her eyes and ran vertically from the bridge of her nose to her chin. She looked ghastly, and suddenly Janus realized what he looked like as a full vampire. It was sickening. To think Maxical may have seen that. Melisande had, Janus had seen the horrified look on her face before she schooled it away.

The duenna had twisted something around her arm, but the crushing of the door may have helped her stop bleeding by sealing the end as it severed it. It was not bleeding out and draining her life force like Janus would have expected it to.

She was nervously twitching in a rapid pacing motion, waiting for him at the end of the corridor. She knew he was coming, Janus read her thoughts; but how...maybe she had been reading his thoughts. It struck Janus instantly that this is why she knew he was coming. She had followed his progress the whole way down the corridor. Why had he been so stupid as not to blank his mind, knowing he was dealing with a vampire?

For a split second he almost ran back out, to come back in when he could surprise her. Getting hold of himself, Janus crept back down the corridor to the door and wedged himself into the corner by the handle. If she came up the corridor he would be able to get out quickly, but if she followed him out there he would be trapped in a small enclosed walkway.

Janus began feeding himself with rage and his own fear to garner every strength he could from his other nature, force from that side of him its fullest capability. His gift was useless if he could only use it against an innocent girl, and when faced with a monster it would weaken. He was supposed to be the most powerful vampire in Cyrodiil, and he was quaking at the thought of fighting an old lady with one arm gone! Where was all this power he was supposed to have?

The fact that she could prevent his blood being used to revive Maxical enraged him. The more he thought about it the angrier he became until he could feel the monster building inside him; boiling up till the blood in his veins felt like a turbulent sea of fire and the magicka surged through him.

The muscles in his arms seemed to bulk as the heated blood touched them, then ached for movement instantly. He could feel the glow from his eyes even if the chameleon spell kept him from seeing it, they burned as if on fire.

His fangs grew long and straight, not arching from his mouth; and there was no rush of fluids draining from them this time. Instead they dripped with an acid, burning his tongue; the pain of it inflaming him further.

Slowly he rose from his crouch to a full stand, the muscles in his legs expanding as those in his arms had. A strength he had never known filled him till he felt it would burst through the skin if he did not act; yet instinctually he had mastery over it, unlike the out of control attack on the Fire Daemon in Murkwood.

An intense cunning was taking over his mind; animalistic, a beast preparing to stalk its prey. All the incredible powers of the gift he inherited with his vampirism began drawing up for use then, lining up into his hands and fingers; a full arsenal of deadly spells. Without having to wonder how to use them, he suddenly just knew instinctively where each could be drawn from.

His glowing eyes narrowed into slits till he felt like an avenging demon ready for battle. Without his feet seeming to touch the ground he floated down the corridor towards the duenna.

Using a fireball much stronger than any Melisande had given him, he blasted the duenna before reaching her. With a hissing scream she was thrown backwards across the chamber. A stool exploded in a hail of shattered wood as she crashed it against the stone wall.

She rose up with a roar of pain and surprise. With wild eyes she lunged in the direction the fireball had come, clawing at the air with her one arm the whole way. Janus saw what he probably looked like in Murkwood.

With a lightning speed he had never known Janus leapt out of the corridor and shot into the chamber so he could negotiate distance between them for the fight ahead. He landed with a cat-like poise and spun to see the duenna clawing the air with her good arm where he had been a split second before. That would have brought an end to his blood being used on Maxical, and that knowledge seemed to increase his cunning even further. His eyes took on saturnine expression in their intense focus on the duenna.

With the stealth of a stalking leopard he moved, hitting her with fire spells then moving silently to a new location. Had it not been for the longevity of Rona's vampirism the duenna would have been long since dead. Her wild lunges had caused her severed arm to begin bleeding heavily.

Janus honed in on every sign that indicated her strength was weakening as he watched the life flow from that arm. His senses caught every nuance of heavier tread, or second longer shutting of her eyelids in a blink. The way she stood leaning forward as if seeking balance; the expression in her eyes changing from rage to fear; he noticed each sign with a clarity that left no doubt as to their significance. Finally her shrieks came with less frequency, their tone dimmed and her breathing became ragged. She would fall soon.

The duenna fled to a cupboard in the back of the chamber and tugged the door open. Janus saw the pink bottle of healing potion in her hand and blasted a fireball at her before she could open it. The bottle dropped as she flew backward into the pile of rocks that lined the end of the chamber. With a speed he never knew he possessed Janus was across the room. He had the healing potion in his hand and dropped the vampire cure in its place before she was able to rise.

She scrambled towards the pink bottle that rolled ever so slightly in front of the cabinet. She swiped the air in front of her with her good arm as she ran. Snatching up the potion she backed against the stone wall and used her teeth to uncork it. She spat the cork out with force and guzzled the fluid down greedily before realizing something was wrong. The surprised look on her face flashed a split second before the wrinkles began making a trail across it.

Janus did not vomit this time. Instead he removed his cowl, and just before her eyes began sinking into their sockets he cast a dispel on himself so that she could see it was he that had killed her. She let out a screaming hiss when she saw him, but as she tried to step closer to him the bones in her leg began turning to powder, tumbling her forward into a heap on the floor.

Janus let out a roar, echoing with the power and might that filled him, much like a lion does when they have won a battle. He watched as the heap on the floor crumbled to a pile of ashes; roaring again till it echoed through the chamber. He stepped into the pile of ashes and ground the heel of his boot into it.

"No one will keep my blood from being used. You knew not who you dealt with Senora." Janus's voice sounded deep to his own ears. He spat the last word out, then laughed in a mocking of his victory. It wasn't the battle with the duenna; but that for the first time he had harnessed the powers of the gift; and what extraordinary powers they were! Janus felt more a man than he had in decades. He could get used to this.

Something released inside him then, as if the real vampire within had been held in shackles for 50 years and suddenly tore free of them. He had broken the chains that had held him bound in isolation all those decades.


******* Melisande, as Janus emerges from the crypt

When Janus emerged from the crypt Melisande saw him with his full powers engaged for the first time. This was not the same vampire she had seen in Murkwood. He stood as a giant over her, much larger than he had been when he entered. The crazed madman was gone, instead he was poised, regal. His fangs lay straight down instead of curving out of his mouth. His eyes glittered with an expression she could not fathom. An uneasy feeling clutched her heart. It had been a dangerous risk to push him into releasing the vampire, but it was the only way to ensure he win in there by himself.

"Janus, are you?okay? You look?tall, much taller and larger than you were. Look, your robe falls well above your ankle. What happened?" Melisande tried to read his aura, but couldn't, somehow he was blocking her reading of him.

What happened to him in there? Why did he look like he had grown well over a foot, and his neck was as thick around as a tree? Janus had ignored her question, in fact he did not look at her in response. Instead he was surveying his courtyard like a king. Oh dear what in the hell happened in that crypt?


*************************************************** Warning: These Pics Are Taken After Maxical Back To Life:



Giant Janus:


http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/127/l_c64543fd216e43208cec4fb8fe151b46.jpg


http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/147/l_1e9d0a8f91434360aa8e213368e41151.jpg


http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/133/l_6d77220c662f4e94be9c9521eb27b1cc.jpg


http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/121/l_b698ff7a012a40429205cd2f64fd7fcb.jpg


http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/151/l_a17251f28f0741c6ab02e0ad0d1edee5.jpg


http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/121/l_ac517d6bcebe42dd9808fbb7094d8a86.jpg


http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/141/l_b6afee47c8d44589992936806b82b2c8.jpg


http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/148/l_717f2e57347b40cfad1f3598347de75a.jpg


http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/137/l_ffc245c1149a41aab07f33f6de5ed51c.jpg


http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/145/l_2d7e2ee9e4c44b7fa13e6c1cf3599e6d.jpg


http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/127/l_1b2aabd6755646529ed537421780cba5.jpg


http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/149/l_efee7702f23040b9a691f849aa98cbc3.jpg


http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/130/l_7a0c4a0042bd420597f3dd9a3bd79866.jpg




Medium Sized Janus:


http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/151/l_c4bf502f27574e4d8719554cfbcfc447.jpg


http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/125/l_b317a4dc66f24211a854cdecff2c3615.jpg


http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/152/l_b986c8e45f834db3872a8ec5ff690731.jpg


http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/137/l_9dcf048b07a045afa6df15c0f361ce99.jpg


http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/125/l_b317a4dc66f24211a854cdecff2c3615.jpg


http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/132/l_86a7b150f410484b8ce2fe43801b175b.jpg


http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/122/l_bffbc65c8462416ca875c5593f949a56.jpg


http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/123/l_b8e92febb51e423d89fa4a0443f6ed56.jpg


http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/114/l_346144a7111646d48b9325e3630df1d1.jpg



Normal Sized Janus:

http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/123/l_e0a7d1c924ea49979043e0accd8a0788.jpg



Normal Sized Janus, Vampire out in full, note white cross

http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/147/l_f245d2e7a7e3417ca3541e6b9164b3f6.jpg


http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/149/l_880b18c9e7da4772857efc8bb2f4f491.jpg


http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/129/l_f36e9dccf3eb4060964da8014a176330.jpg


http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/113/l_5a984ba226374a9cb095c1c481b2e17a.jpg


http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/140/l_f4ce9d248beb4a1993ae78aa5c27c539.jpg


http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/147/l_1c3c95f64859485f8d28606fd74ef319.jpg


Face shot:

http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/149/l_3957fe82310149dbad729fa827bba257.jpg


http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/125/l_76f5416bd7c94067ba19189d488b3913.jpg





*

Wow. This is powerful stuff, indeed.

Now that's what I'm talking about when I think of Count Skingrad!

Just one nit to pick:


I think you're missing 'a', as in She rose up with a roar,

A powerful and well-written story. You certainly held your line on your perspectives here - no problems.



This is a beautiful description.



This seems awkward to me. Just take a look and see if you agree.








Brilliant. A SUPERB passage!


Very nicely done mALX!