Fifteen long, grueling, years after the events of the Lone Wanderer.

Elder Lyons was shot down by a super mutant, leaving Sarah Lyons to promote herself to Elder and Leader of the Eastern Brotherhood of Steel. Lyon's Pride was now considered the best group of soldiers in the entire U.S. Now they were going to fight the last remnants of the Enclave at Eaglerock...

The Prologue

I got out of my bed, and put on my T-45B Power Armor, and then took my helmet and held it at my side.. I grabbed my plasma rifle and walked out the front door from my quarters. Elder Lyons walked over to me with a stern look on her aging face, her hair had a dull gray look to it, and her eyes lacked the vibrant life they once did. She said, "Go to the meetings chamber immediately, Paladin."

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am," I saluted.

She walked off and started talking to other brothers of Lyons Pride. I walked into the meeting chambers, what used to be home to our former project, Liberty Prime. There was our team, Knight-Captain Steven Smith, the sniper. Paladin Samuel Stevens was our demolitionist. Knight Karth Turner was our "special" needs person. Paladin Byron was our medic. Paladin Gabriel Garcia was our melee fighter. Then there was I, our leader, our guiding force, the champion of the Brotherhood of Steel, I was the star paladin and leader of our crusade.

Sarah walked in adorned in her father's robes as she said calmly, "None of you know why you're here, do you?"

Steven said, "Elder, aren't you going to assign us a mission."

She nodded as she walked around us. I asked, "Elder Lyons, what do you have for us, we will complete the job, no matter what it is."

As she looked at the steel-gray walls and terminals she said to us, "Operation: Templar Knight is what you will do, thanks to your previous missions being completed we learned the Enclave is designing T-55B Power Armor. We need you to steal the schematics, kill the rest of those enclave scum, and then report back for the next part of the job."

I asked, "What is the next part of the job, Elder?"

"We will need plenty of medical bots, once you have them, report here for your reward."

"I see."

She pointed to the door, "Dismissed."

I walked out and headed to my quarters planning to find out what this was really about, as I had access to every file in the Brotherhood of Steel memory...

Um... I'd just like ta say you're using comma's too often. Try an occasional period. Also, try using a more colorful word than 'I' to start your sentences.

Honestly, you are taking bigger steps towards good literature. It's just the small things now. I can't wait for the next installment.

Reader Discretion: There may be some horrifying/gruesome events in the story, there is one known part that you may think of gruesome/gross/horrifying, you are now warned...

Yeah, what Lord Dren said about the comma's. I would lay off of them a bit. Maybe add some periods and semi-colons to your sentences. Also, with the comma's they seem to drag your sentences on for to long; and then begin to become run on sentences. Which is a bad thing to do.

Right now what you have is a story written in 2nd person. Which second person, is basically just straight dialogue, and little description. Add more description to equal the amount of dialogue, and you should have a better first person view. Reading to much dialogue can be a VERY annoying and sometimes a bad thing to do.

Also, since your introducing "T-55B" Power Armor, description would be a very good idea to tell us what it looks like etc.

That's all the critique and such I have for you now. Oh, and one last thing. Maybe describe your characters looks. It doesn't have to be heavily detailed, but give us at least a bit of a rough outline for our minds to create something.

The protagonist doesn't know yet, so you guys don't know... And we'll all get a good look at our protagonist soon enough, probably the next chapter or so... (s)he's someone everybody knows...

It was okay. Same things others and myself have told you about your TES stories: more description is needed, improve the dialogue, vary your vocabulary, use punctuation correctly, and check spelling and grammar. I could tell you in detail how to improve them, but I believe we have done that enough before.

Oh, and about the gruesome thing: be sure not to be too violent and disgusting with it. Remember that this is a 'teen' forum so some things are fine (cutting of limbs) but truly sick stuff (you know what I mean) is forbidden, and will likely get the story locked.

No, not disgustingly violent, more of just a "WHOA I DIDN'T THINK HE'D DO THAT!" not "God, this is so gorey and bloody I feel like I am watching an 80's horror film... Or worse... Hostel..."

Sweet!

I put on my helmet and looked through the darkened eye-spots of the helm. I looked at the dark-grayish floors and the grayish walls, a depressing feeling went through my body. I smelled the scent of the sweat, the blood, the work of the initiatives. I heard the ground being pounded by the sweaty, stinky, bloody recruits, Paladin Gunner worked hard training those recruits. Like he taught me how to use the power armor so long ago, before I truly learned what the world was like.

I reached my quarters, I turned the knob on the door and opened it. Same as always, my desk with my terminal, my nuka-cola bottle and a whole bunch of empties. I sat down at the terminal and typed in, "Operation: Templar Knight," and the response the machine gave me was, "Access Denied." I raised a brow, Elder Lyons always gave me access to operations. I hacked into her terminal, with success, but it took some time. I read the entries on the project.

"Operation: Templar Knight will be the greatest success of the brotherhood, since the Lyon's Pride. I mustn't allow any prying eyes to see this, for it could mean mutiny against me, for their foolish minds could believe it as against the laws of nature. However, I shall create the ultimate soldiers, the templar knights of the Brotherhood of Steel. My plan is to have the Lyon's Pride exterminate the enclave scum, steal the schematics, and bring them to me, then bring me medical bots. Then I will have volunteers sign up for the Templar Knight training program. When the Templar Knight training program is started, they will be administered anesthetics, and their brains will be implanted into the armor along with special attachments to the brain to allow them to control the armor. They will be the ultimate soldiers, we shall conquer the wasteland, with or without the would-be traitors." ~Elder Sarah Lyons.

Awe struck me, as I shut off the terminal, I knew what this meant, I didn't like it, but I knew. I would have to sabotage the Lyon's Pride, kill my friend, Lyons, have temporary alliances with the Enclave, and once again do what I did so long ago, reclaim my title as the Lone Wanderer. I will be an exile once I complete my task, but it will save the brotherhood the horrors of her plans, may steel be with me...

The last paragraph killed the mood for me, should've just left the first sentence. There's no room for foreshadowing there.

Does everything always go as planned? Will he always do what he says? Does the lone wanderer always succeed in what he says? No, no, and no!

I already know his actions. You outright told them. Unless that was meant to be a twist, the use of foreshadowing was completely ruined for me. Just a suggestion, keep somethings to yourself, and let the reader guess.

Sorry, my bad

I, I, I, I, I, I, Like, I, I, I, I etc. etc. First off, stop putting "I" at the beginning of almost every sentence. Add more detail to what he is seeing and what is going on around him. Better to keep "I"s to a minimum. Even if it is a first person perspective. The constant use of "I" gets VERY annoying. Specially for someone like me who enjoys reading and writing stories.

Second, I agree you should have added some mystery to what was happening. Like Stream said, let the reader figure it out for him/herself. It doesn't just add to a good story, but it also makes the reader think and anolyze what they're saying. If an author you liked, told you what the character was suspecting or what was going to happen next. Then I'm sure you would be let down, and the suspense would die for you. That's why you never see that kinda stuff in Mystery and Suspense thrillers. The author/director wants the reader/viewer to be able to think of what might happen next. Kinda builds up to things.

Take James Bond movies for example, in those; they hardly tell you what is really happening. They let you guess. Leave a cliff hanger, but I suggest you don't leave a cliff hanger at the end of each chapter. It kinda kills things.

I said to Lyons, "Elder, I need some time on leave, for the next week."

She rose a brow and asked suspiciously, "Why?"

"Before the mission, I have some family I would like to speak to," I lied.

She nodded an O.K. as she handed me a holotape labeled: Verti-Bird Access. She watched me walk out the door, the gray-steel, door, I was going to the verti-bird, to the ruins of Raven Rock. I handed the guards my holo-tape and one saluted, "Yes, Star Paladin, may steel be with you."

"May steel be with you, Brother," I told him as I walked past him into the underground verti-bird storage.

The Brotherhood of Steel knights kneeled as I walked past, and I told a pilot, "I need to go to a certain area, north of here."

The pilot said to two knights, "We're escorting the star paladin, get in here incase some enclave attack."

The knights boarded the vertibird as I sat down. One looked at me and asked, "You, aren't you the one who fought at Project: Purity?"

I smiled, "The very same."

He commented after I took off my helm and he questioned me, "Sir, may I speak freely?"

I nodded an affirmative. The knight stated, "You've gotten a bit older since project: purity, Sir, why are you still with the steel?"

"Once a marine, always a marine, just like once a brother of steel, always a brother of steel," I quoted.

I stared at the yellow sands below, at the wandering deathclaw devouring the molerat, the radroach groups hunting. We looked out and seen a citadel, guarded by Enclave soldiers. I said to the pilot and the knights, "Land this plane."

The pilot responded, "Here? Near Raven Rock's Ruins?"

"Do it."

The verti-bird landed slowly, and I said to the three, "Farewell."

My plasma rifle shot at the pilot, successfully turning him into a green goo. The Knights barked simultaneously, "Why'd you do that?!"

I sighed, "Farewell, Brothers of Steel, as I shot them down."

When I got out of the verti-bird, twelve Enclave Soldiers in T-55B Power Armor, a black shade of the T-51B Power Armor with special injectors that would insert stimpacks into your blood stream if you were hurt; med-x if you were taking heavy damage; buffout if you were taking heavy physical damage; jet if you were running; and psycho if you were shooting a lot. The T-55B Power Armor also had a life-support system in it, a water-collector, a special system which used collected water to cool down the suit-wearer, and a cloaking device which could be used for 1 minute every hour. The leader barked, "Hands up, you're coming with us."

I responded, "Wait, I have a deal."

"We'll take you to General Smith, he'll decide your fate."

I like this zalphon but there is alot of use of the word I, see if you can mix it up other then that this is a good story.

1st 1st person fanfiction since my stuff became readable Sorry for the use of I's... I am working on it... :Gos to his private rock:

If you want an idea on how to cut back on I's, read some of my posts in SCAR. I write in first person, and it's easier as you get used to it. I'll go back and read through your story again to offer alternative words.

Reading through your last post,

Instead of saying stuff like

I said, "Blah Blah Blah." say it like,

"Blah Blah Blah." I said. And, everyone once in a while you can add an action, with it too, like crossing your arms are giving an expression.

Instead of outright saying an action, such as when you handed the holotape to the Knight, you could put an action or description on it.

"A bit of light reflected off of the holotape as I held it out to the Knight. Scanning it over quickly, he confirmed my access to this vertibird."

Hope it helps. Descriptive stuff like that reduces your I's, makes your stories longer, and makes it more descriptive and enjoyable for the reader.

Well just work on getting some of the "I" problems fixed, and you should be better. It's still a 2nd person story, in a way, but getting rid of some of those "I"s will help make it a better 1st person. I do enjoy the story, but the constant use of "I" just kinda makes my mind wander a bit as I read.

Speaking of which, I've gotta get my next chapter of my story fixed and ready. *Whooshes off into thin air*

The soldiers escorted me into the blackish citadel, the leader said to me with his plasma rifle pointed to me, "I hope you like prison, Mutant."

We walked in the door and I was in awe. The metallic gray walls were clean and shined. There were sentry bots all over the place, ceiling turrets were all over, I had a few questions, but my main one was, "How'd they get enough caps for this." As we walked the enclave scientists were in the white and orange suits I seen them in so many years ago when I was just a vault-rat with a good aim. Finally we reached an elevator, unlike normal elevators where you have to push a button, the leader just said, "Level One."

I looked up and seen the arrow telling what floor the elevator was on go to the left, and I asked as I walked into the elevator, "How'd you do that?"

He slapped me and barked, "Silence"

The soldier then added, "Level Four."

I looked out the window of the elevator and seen the wonders of their technological advancements, including their Sentry Bot 2.0 Models, like normal ones, but it had a plasma cannon and a gauss rifle. The doors opened and I seen a young, man in a suit much like Autumn's walk down and say, "Ah, you are the one I've heard so much about."

I spit in his face; he wiped it off with disgust as the leader beat me with the butt of his gun and said in the same mechanical tone I'd heard the entire time, "show respect, wastelander."

The Man said, "Oh do not worry, Captain, we're taking him to the General."

The Leader nodded and told him, "Sir, yes, sir."

We walked up a flight of circular stairs, and at the top we seen a man in a suit of T-55B Power Armor with a T-55B Power Helmet on. The man in the suit told the power-armored man, "General, this is the one you wanted to see."

The General responded, "Excellent work, Commander, and so are you Shadow Squad, except you Captain."

The commander and the squad went down the metal stairs, and the power-armored man asked as he crossed his arms, "Well Lone Wanderer, what is it you want to be intruding here, on my base?"

"An Alliance," I stated.

The power-armored man asked in shock, "An Alliance? Why?"

I barked, "Because, Sarah is running the Brotherhood to the ground and plans to commit an act of great evil, I am here to warn you of the upcoming raid."

The power-armored man walked over to the captain and told him, "Remove your helmet, Captain Autumn."

The Captain removed her helm to reveal blonde hair which flowed down to her shoulders, and she asked, "Yes, General?"

The General explained, "Get more information out of him, any means neccesary, force him with jet, and put some liquor down his throat, you know how to do the rest, make sure we get the information."

The Captain sighed, but she nodded and grabbed my hands and used special restrainsts on my wrists. She pulled out a container of jet and put it in my mouth and shoved a bottle of vodka in my mouth. My vision got blurry, and she dragged me away...

Great chapter, worked on your I's as well. Improving.

Wow, I am not being told what a pervert I am for my fanfiction and its current event (Don't worry, we'll come back right after its over, I don't put that stuff in... No need we all know how it works...)

Captain Autumn was in her armor once again, and the drugs were finally wearing off. I said to her, "Why do you do this?"

She looked at me and told me, "Because, I am Colonel Autumn's daughter, I must preserve our legacy, even if it means doing things I am not proud of for General Smith."

The camera looked at us. I told her, "I see, you will get no information from me."

The door slammed wide open and General Smith stood there. He barked at the Captain, "Report to detention center, immediately for your failure."

Captain Autumn responded, "P-p-please, Sir..."

The general pointed to the door and said, "Report there."

She walked out and the door slammed shut again. I questioned how he had so much power over these people, why they revered him. Why they feared him. I asked him, "Why are you fighting the brotherhood."

He responded, "I am the leader of the enclave, the most loyal, and the most intelligent."

I barked, "Most arrogant as well."

He lifted me off the ground by grabbing me by my throat, my clothed legs dangled.

"You'll die here, in the name of the Enclave."

"Wrong," I hissed as I tried to pull his helmet off to get a clear punch at his face.

The helmet wouldn't budge, and he stated, "Foolish human, I am a cyborg, I have the brains of a man, but the body of a robot, I am General Smith, preserver of the enclave, soon-to-be president."

I felt his cold, metal, fingers turn to a fist and punch me, everything went black as I fell to the ground...

Comments?

Yeah I have ONE, maybe not just one. But we'll start with one. Anyway, quit writing in 2nd person, and ADD MORE DESCRIPTION!!! It shouldn't matter whether he's just standing around in a cold dark room with nothing but a flashlight and a suit of T-51b Power Armor or if he's int he middle of a heated fire fight in the middle of downtown Washington D.C. The more description there is, the better. Don't over do it with description, but even with a scenario I gave, you can have a lot of description if you think about what it would be like with nothing but a suit of T-51b Power Armor, and a flashlight. You could add thoughts, feelings, and just plain emotion to the whole scene.

And another thing, quit using "I" when the character is about to say something about talking. For example, the first sentence you have. Where it says, "The camera looked at us. I told her, "I see, you will get no information from me." That whole sentence could have been restructured to flow better, and could have been given more depth. Maybe think about rather what would be "cool" to say in the moment, and think what it would be like. How would you feel, what would you be thinking if you were in that situation? These are all things, a writer has to start thinking about when trying to make a good story and chapter. Right now, all you've got is some people in a room with nothing but bland talk, and a empty room with a chair in it. At least, that's most of what I pictured it as.

I'm tired from being out with "Dr. Strangelove", and this probably doesn't make sense. But take what you can from it. Seriously, if you want something good and something people will respect and enjoy. Take the advice given.