Ok so this is my first fan fic so please forgive me if theres some major problem I've over looked. Please give constructive criticism or any thoughts at all. Depending on the feedback from this I will decide to make a chapter 2 or not. Most of all enjoy it!

A Past Forgotten.
Chapter 1
My eyes peered open I felt myself draw breath. The sun was bright and blinded me for a moment. I shut my eyes so they wouldn't hurt. I had the taste of blood in my mouth. I coughed as I tried to breathe again, choking on the dust in the air. I felt a searing pain coming from my thigh. I opened my eyes again and looked around. The rubble of buildings and burnt out cars surrounded me. I pushed myself up into a sitting position. It took a lot of strength that I didn't have. My leg had a bullet hole that went clean through it and was still bleeding, not heavy, but enough to give me something to worry about it. I looked at my clothes I was wearing a white t-shirt and long cargo pants although you could hardly tell they were shredded.

I thought "It won't hurt to tear them even more."

So I made myself my own bandage out of what was left of my clothes. It wasn't great but it would be enough. I sat there trying to summon the strength to stand up. Suddenly it occurred to me.

"Where am I?"

Nothing seemed familiar. I looked around and began to notice that some of the cars were on fire and that the piles of rubble were fresh. There had been a battle here. I hadn't been paying close attention but now that I did it stuck out like a sore thumb. Suddenly a chilling question went through my head.

"Who am I?"

I remembered nothing about what had happened before I woke up. I didn't even know my own name. I began to panic. My heart began to beat fast which wasn't doing wonders for my wound. I was in such a panic I actually managed to stand up without noticing the pain. I limped over to the closest car. It was old and burnt out just like every other car. I used it to lean on as my leg started to hurt again. Then I noticed the bodies. I hadn't been able to see them before as they hidden behind the car. There were about six of them. All dead and strewn all over the place.

I decided to look for clues as to who I was and what happened here. I dug down into my pockets and found a photo. It was a photo of a normal looking man. He had brown hair of medium length. It had a part to the left of his head making his hair have a sought of comb over effect. Brown eyes and a stern looking face. There was nothing distinguishing about him. That was it just a photo, it had no writing, it had nothing but a picture.

I checked the other bodies. They had nothing on them except guns. I picked up a Chinese Assault rifle. I knew how to use it but I couldn't explain why. It's like it was locked into my subconscious. It was dusk and starting to get cold. I took a long coat off one of the dead men to keep warm. I also took plenty of ammo and a knife. From the look of the dead men I may have needed it. I began to limp down the road I didn't know where I was going but it didn't really matter I would find something, anything, eventually.

Nice job a little short but im guessing more chapters will amke up for it

about a 8.5/10

very good character development chances dont screw it up

Thanks its a little short for two reasons 1. This was a sort of trial and 2. I didn't want to give too much of the story away. Don't worry if I continue I have big plans for the development of this character. Again thanks for the criticism its much appreciated.

Always like stories where people have no memories, then find a picture which begins their journey. :thumbsup:

Looking forward to next post.

I like it. It could be a bit longer, and there isn't much to judge on yet because not much has happened, but you have a great level of description and the story has a lot of potential. Hope to see more in the future =)

Thank you.

Yeah as I said before it was a trial a sort of teaser trailer . Thanks for the feed back guys! Keep it coming.

Sorry for the double post I just wanted to say that I've decided to start working on a second chapter. So that will be out soon.

Yey! I'm looking forward to it! By the way now you won't have to triple post when the next chapter is done =)

Thanks M'Heree. Ok everyone here is chapter two. Please tell me if you find any mistakes and what you think of the story so far. Thanks.

Chapter 2

I kept having nightmares. Not really nightmares just flashes of people dying. None of them looked familiar. They were always different people, never the same person twice. The dream always ended the same way with a man and a women standing together. The man was the same one from the photo but the woman, again, I didn't recognise her. Although she was beautiful, blonde hair, blue eyes and a perfect face, not one blemish. I heard the voices of the other people screaming as they died but these two remained quiet.

I woke up sweating; my thigh was still in a tremendous amount of pain. It was early morning. I still had no idea who I was or where I was. I had slept in an abandoned building where I had found an old mattress. It wasn't the height of comfort but I wasn't expecting any better. I tried to decipher the dream. Try figure out what it meant but I only had a couple seconds of freedom when I heard a voice.

"Look over here. This ones still alive."

I looked up at the man. He was a tall skinny man with beady little eyes. He had scratches and scars all over his body. The mans hair was in the shape of a spiked Mohawk. He had brown hair. There was something about him that just didn't look right. He wore a strange outfit. It was made out of old junk. It had half a tire to cover his shoulder, some sort of apron or rug around the waste, shin pads made out of pieces of metal fused together and ragged clothes held together with a whole bunch of straps. Two other men came to look at me. They were very much alike in their clothes and strange hairstyles. Again there was something about them which wasn't right. I had myself propped sitting up on a near by wall.

The man bent down to my level and spoke again. "Your a long way from home aren't you buddy? Don't worry we will take good care of you."

He began to laugh. His voice had a slight craziness to it. I didn't like the looks of the men so I began to feel for my gun.

The man laughed again. "I'm sorry friend but we've borrowed your gun for the moment. I'm sorry to say but it's ours now. Finders keepers."

I looked up at the man and spoke. "What do you want?"

He laughed again. "We want you."

"What are you going to do with me?" I replied trying not to show any fear.

"Oh what we always do with anyone we come across torture them followed by a wholesome meal." This time all of them laughed.

I had figured out what was wrong with these guys they were crazy! I had to do something and fast. I noticed the man had my rifle in a pouch on his back. I had to be quick. I took a deep breath and launched into action.

Since the man was bending down to talk to me. I was able to pull out my knife and stab him in the neck. Blood spurted out and he fell forward on to me. I then grabbed my gun from his pouch and flicked the safety off. By then the other two men who were only 3 or 4 metres away started firing. I used the dead man as a shield holding him in one hand and my rifle in the other. I had my rifle propped on his shoulder and fired four shots towards the other men. I had managed to shoot one guys in the head and the other guy had two bullet holes in his chest. It was all over in seconds. I pushed the dead man off me and took out my knife. I walked over to the other two, the one with the bullet in his head was dead, the other was still alive and coughing up blood.

"Who are you people?" I asked the dying man.

He began to laugh but gradually it got quieter and quieter until he was dead.

I took a moment to let what had just happened sink in. I didn't know how I was able to react so fast. I just knew what I was doing.

"Who the hell am I?!" I shouted.

I decided to travel onwards so I left the building and continued down the broken road. I walked for what seemed like hours although I couldn't be sure. I had seen strange creatures off in the distance but I wasn't to be sure if they were real or not. I had encountered nothing, no signs of any life, creature or human. The rubble slowly turned to dust and sand, the buildings became burnt out trees and the cars became rock or burnt out bush. I had entered a desert, a wasteland. Eventually I came to a sign that had the words Megaton painted over what was really there. The sign had an arrow pointing down another road. I followed it. I came to a large metal structure with a robot out the front.

"Welcome to Megaton." He said.

"What is this place?" I asked.

The robot only repeated. "Welcome to Megaton."

Suddenly machines began to buzz and whirl. It was a loud noise followed by the doors opening. I walked inside. It was the strangest site all the buildings were made out of scrap metal and an old aeroplane. A man walked up to me and spoke.

"Hey there I'm Sheriff Lucas Simms who might you be stranger?"

How was I meant to answer this? I had no idea who I was.

"Um I know this might sound a little crazy but I don't know who I am."

The sheriff smiled. "Crazier things have happened out in this wasteland. I'm fine with you being here as long as you don't cause any trouble. Looks like you could use a doctor. You'll find the clinic down the bottom where you can get patched up."

"Thanks sheriff. I have one more question for you. Do you know this man?" I said holding out the photo.

The Sheriff studied it. "Sorry stranger no-one from my town. How about you go get yourself fixed up. After that, go up to the bar and ask Moriarty if he knows him."

I was a bit disappointed.

"Thanks Sheriff." I muttered.

I trudged down to the clinic. The Doc there patched me up. I gave him a magazine from my gun as I didn't have anything else. He was quiet mean and told me to leave almost straight away. I then made my way up to Moriarty's bar. The bar was horrible it stunk, it was full of sleazy and shifty looking characters. I asked the bartender, who looked like he had been badly burned, if he knew where Moriarty was.

Without looking up he replied. "Out back."

I went 'out back' and found Moriarty on his computer. I knocked. I heard him grumble and curse under his breath. He turned to look at me. His face went from smug to shock horror in an instant. He pulled out his gun and stood up.

"Get back! I will kill you if you get any closer. Get the [censored] back!"

Then he fired.

Wow, nice story. I like how you left it at a cliffhanger at the end, with Moriarty shooting you. Some of the sentences were a bit long for my liking though, ther than that.
8/10

Thanks I will take the length of my sentences into account when I write the next chapter. :foodndrink:

OK cool. Man this story is so great...

*pulls out notepad*
Nah just kidding!

I like it. Especially the cliffhanger.

Tell me why he wants to kill him! Tell me now! Please

It was hard to read. Everything basically has a period after it

"My eyes peered open I felt myself draw breath. The sun was bright and blinded me for a moment. I shut my eyes so they wouldn't hurt. I had the taste of blood in my mouth. I coughed as I tried to breathe again, choking on the dust in the air. I felt a searing pain coming from my thigh. I opened my eyes again and looked around. The rubble of buildings and burnt out cars surrounded me. I pushed myself up into a sitting position. It took a lot of strength that I didn't have. My leg had a bullet hole that went clean through it and was still bleeding, not heavy, but enough to give me something to worry about it. I looked at my clothes I was wearing a white t-shirt and long cargo pants although you could hardly tell they were shredded. "

It's kind of all over the place too.

This is the first Fan Fic I have been highly interested in, for a while. I was thinking about doing a story with a memory loss character but I guess you beat me to it.

Some small things I think that need improved on are the action parts. The biggest example's are when the raiders and MC are in a fire fight, and when Moriarty pulls a gun. You said the fire fight lasted five seconds. For one quick defencive attack, that seems a little long. And when you say Moriarty's face changes in seconds, I think it would be better if it said "in that instant". Just the little things. Also, It seems like the first chapter had some thought and time, but the number two was slightly rushed. Plus what the other people have been saying.

But that aside, good job. 8/10. Kept me interested.

Woah! This is great! keep it up! cant wait for the next chapter! :goodjob:

Thanks to everyone who gave there constructive criticism and their thoughts. I will begin chapter 3 shortly but it may take till tomorrow to finish. I will take all the criticism into account when writing. I'm glad to see everyone has enjoyed it so far as I have enjoyed writing it. Please feel free to leave more comments. Thanks guys :goodjob:

fantastic this is getting tracked

I know I said it might take a while longer for the next chapter to come up but I couldn't help myself. Here it is chapter 3 enjoy and comment!

Chapter 3

I closed my eyes and stood there waiting for the searing pain to hit me. I felt the bullet take the top corner of my ear off, it was quite painful, my ear was ringing from the high pitched noise of the bullet. Moriarty spoke again.

"Now I'm either a really good shot or a really bad one. I suggest you don't hang around to find out boy."

I tried to talk to him, calm him down a little. "Listen I need your help I.. er.. don't know who I am. Please I ju-"

Moriarty cut me off. "You think I'm stupid boy? I know who you are and what you're doing here. Now get the [censored] out!"

I began to see there was no real reasoning with him so I started to back out. As I backed out the whole bar seemed ready for a gun fight. Some were taking cover behind chairs and lounges what ever they could find; others had their guns drawn or their hands hovering above their holster.

"Please listen." I begged as I began to back away to the front door.

"I don't know who I am I just need to know. I'm sorry for what ever I've done to hurt you."

"You would like to hurt me wouldn't you? But no I'm to smart too fall for your tricks boy." Moriarty replied.

I felt my back hit the door, I tried feeling for the door knob, I couldn't find it.

"Don't worry boy let me get that for you." Moriarty said as he kicked me in the chest.

I couldn't believe that the kick didn't break my sternum. It was like running into a brick wall laced with steel chest first. One big powerful kick was all that was needed to break the rusty old hinges that held the door up. The door landed on the ground followed by me landing on the door. The strap that held my gun snapped as I hit the ground and my gun slid away from me. I tried breathing but all I got was coughs and wheezing the kick had taken the wind out of me. I tried standing up but he kicked me down again. He cocked the gun.

"Everybody gather round this is what happens when you mess with Colin Moriarty!"

Just as he was about to fire Simms came up and stopped him.

"Not another Moriarty just leave him to the wastes don't make a mess here."

Simms then turned around and spoke to me. "I warned you not to cause any trouble stranger."

Simms picked up my gun and used the butt of it to knock me out cold. I woke up just outside the entrance to Megaton. I had a nasty cut just above my left brow I wiped the blood out of my eye. I picked myself up and was about to march back into Megaton when I heard a voice come from above me.

"I wouldn't come any closer to the entrance if I were you."

I looked up and saw a man standing on a catwalk pointing a rifle at me. I had noticed my rifle missing so I asked.

"Can I at least have my rifle back?"

The man chuckled and said "Sorry the Sheriffs always wanted a Chinese assault rifle. Now I'm going to give you ten seconds to start walking off into the wasteland."

"No wait please I need to come back inside I need to speak to Moriarty." I said with desperation in my voice.

"One .... Two .... Thr-"

"Please I'm begging you I just need to know who I am." I said as my desperation was beginning to turn into rage.

The man took no notice and counted on "Four .... Five .... Six"

"NOW YOU [censored] LISTEN HERE! FOR ALMOST A DAY I HAVE BEEN WANDERING THIS [censored] HOLE OF A PLACE NOT KNOWING WHO I AM! MORIARTY KNOWS WHO I AM I NEED TO SPEAK TO HIM OR DIE TRYING!"

The man stopped counting. He gave a puzzling look and said.

"I don't know if your telling the truth so I can't let you back in. I can tell you that there is a woman who used to be, let's just say, close to Moriarty. She lives in Springvale not too far from here just over that hill." He said pointing in the direction of Springvale.

"It may not be Moriarty but it's the next best thing."

I gave a sigh of relief. "Thanks."

I turned and left Megaton. It didn't take me long to reach Springvale well what was left of it anyway. The whole town was a mess just debris and some scaffolding of houses was all that was left. I had to be careful I had no weapons apart from my knife and that wouldn't work out to well if they had guns.

It didn't take me long to find the house. I wasn't sure if this woman would try to kill me either so I had to be cautious. The windows of the house were boarded up I couldn't see in. So I decided to take the back door. It was locked so I decided to knock.

"It couldn't hurt." I thought.

Next thing I knew there was a pistol in my face. I couldn't see who was holding it. It was too dark inside all I could see was an arm poking out the slightly opened door.

"Who are you? Did Moriarty send you to kill me?" the woman asked nervously.

I was sick of trying to convince people that I couldn't remember who I was so I played along.

"Oh no it's quite the opposite I'm here because I need to kill Moriarty and I've heard that you used to be close to him. I just need some information."

There was only silence. It was so quiet I could hear her breathing heavily she was obviously scared. She began to speak in a quiet voice.

"Ok come in."

She opened the door and I instantly recognised her. It was the woman from my dream.

*Clap Clap Clap* Good work, my Aussie friend!

Thank you very much Francois. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Again sorry for the double post I'm just letting people know that chapter 4 will be underway soon.

Man this story is great, but there is just one thing I think you should do. Get acquainted with commas, they are your friends.

Keep up the great story!

:goodjob:

I love this story! With the cliffhangers and all this is a good read! Keep it up!

Your grammar needs work. I'll come back tomorrow, if you'd like, and point out some mistakes that you're making, and how you can avoid them.

Other then that, the story seems fine, if just a little cliched. I recommend you stop ending every single chapter with a cliffhanger, though. Gets a little repetitive.