I've been thinking of writing an entire story that envolves around my RP character. I have'nt even begun to think of a plot, setting, characters, etc. But what I have been doing is training my writing skills. I have written a short story I would like you guys (girls) to read it and tell me its pros and cons...:

Story 1
I walked on the dirt covered road towards the abandoned farm. The sun was almost up and I needed someplace to hide from those annoying hunters. I had been attacked in Vivec the night before by three vampire hunters while I was feeding. One of them got lucky and hit my shoulder with an enchanted iron broadsword. The enchantment caused my flesh to burn and turn to ash. Using my speed and the help of some very special boots I was able to run away before the hunter could strike me again. I quickly crossed the gate and headed towards the front door. I heard noises behind me and knew that the hunters were close by. I hurried through the door and looked around the small cabin for some place to hide. In front of me, across the room, was a fireplace. There was also a table with broken dishes and rotten kwama eggs towards my left and, above the table, there was a window. I peeked through the window and saw the vampire hunters passing the front gate. I franticly looked around the room for someplace to hide. I saw a bed at the end of the room and, below it, something that looked like a trapped door. I rushed towards the bed and turned it over to find a trapdoor.
“Yes!” I said….

We broke down the door and ran into the room looking around for the damn vampire. The place looked like it had been attacked by a group of nix hounds.
“Mestrus look over here,” said Seneth.
I looked towards where Seneth was pointing and found an over turned bed and an open trapdoor. I signaled them to stay put and walked slowly to the trapdoor. I raised my shield and enchanted sword and jumped down the trapdoor. I was standing in the middle of a cellar filled with crates, cloth sacks and wine bottle. The room was dimly lit by torches hanging on hooks on the wall. In the far corner I saw a pair of dead rats whose bodies were almost completely decomposed. I looked at every corner of the cellar but found nothing else. I lowered my guard and called for the others.
“There’s no one here. He’s not here,” I yelled.
“He must have gone into the forest nearby,” said Satyana.
I knew he was in this house but he was nowhere in sight. We gave another good look around the house and then I decided that it was time to leave.
“Alright, let’s go look for him in the woods,” I said…

I waited for a few more minutes just to make sure that they were gone. When I was sure that I was safe I jumped down from the inside of the fireplace’s chimney and ran towards the open trapped door before the sunlight could touch me. I closed the trapped door, sat in a corner of the cellar and waited for nightfall.
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This is what I think (and please feel free to tell me if I'm wrong): I did really good (if I may say so myself) on description in the first paragraph, but it became a bit shorter on size later in the story...

P.S. : Each paragraph is in a diferent character view. (ex.)- 1o paragraph: character 1; 2o paragraph- character 2; 3o paragraph- character 1 (again)

Not-So-Very-Experienced-RPer-Trying-To-Sound-Experienced′s Opinion:
I understood what was written and didnt get confused. I didnt spot any gramma-faults, but then my own gramma aint perfect.
What I dont understand is why they didnt just stay outside the house or the trapdoor waiting for the vampire to arrive, or atleast leave someone to ambush.
Especially since "I knew he was in this house but he was nowhere in sight."

Other than that, I liked it pretty much. Or you wont get better.

I will leave and let the experts take a look at this, they will propably come with something more.

Lol, you got me XP. I'm not an experienced Rplayer, but that does'nt mean I can't try to be one. Anyway, thx for your comment.

Well, for just starting out that is pretty good I was following with a serious interest by the second paragraph, especially when I read that he had left the trap door open. Then you revealed he had gone into the fireplace instead, which definitely seemed like a good twist from what I was expecting.

Now, that said, I must say (as I'm sure you know) there is always plenty of room for improvement in writing. You mentioned your descriptions, so I'll talk about that first :dance:

I'm a huge fan of descriptions, I believe that good descriptions can make or break a story. If you can't make the reader feel the story, you can't expect to keep their interest, no matter how much characterization you do or how intriguing your plot is. Descriptions from a first person point of view can be a little tricky, but if done correctly first person is an excellent way to gain empathy for the protagonist. However, just like third person descriptions, a good writer needs to obey the law of "show, don't tell".



This, my friend, is telling. Summarizing the action and telling it to the reader, rather than showing us with vivid details. Showing is all about sensory information, we want to know all about what things looked like, felt like, sounded, etc. As Anton Chekhov so famously put it, "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." (Hooray for getting to use the quote in my signature ) In the very same way, don't tell me he was walking down the road, show me the dust his boots kicked up as he ran. More to the point, why is he walking if he's being chased

All kidding aside, this setup could make a powerful vampire story if elaborated on. I know you said you hadn't thought any further into the plot or anything, but if you want to do a really good vampire story, a lot of planning is required to keep him from looking uber. I believe Solidor has a http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1024246-through-the-eyes-of-a-vampire/ going right now, if you'd like to check it out.

But I'm getting off track, back to descriptions. Like I said, show me the details as vividly as you can put them on paper. It can be difficult at times to get the feeling across, but in the end it is far more worth it to create a powerfully descriptive scene. A scene people can picture goes a long way towards making them sympathize with the character, and sympathizing is the first step towards characterization (or at least, that's what my new favorite "How to write" books says ). If you have any questions on descriptions, please let me know. Or, you can google "show, don't tell", and you should be able to find some better answers


Enough about descriptions, let's move on to the next item: point of view. I know you purposefully switched point of views during the story, which can work alright, but just starting out it is usually a better idea to stick to one. The only author I know who actually used PoV swaps well during chapters was Frank Herbert in his Dune series, but he was a master of a writer :bowdown: If you swap PoVs incorrectly you can create some major confusion for the reader. Though I must say, you did a pretty good job of it there


And finally, I'll quickly talk about characters. I already said a bit about characterization (all aspects of writing are interwoven), but I'll delve a bit deeper here. I know it's a short story, but you really didn't have much sympathy or empathy going for this vampire protagonist. So far he's pretty flat, the stereotypical vampire that everyone loves to stab with a wooden stake. If you are going to make a convincing vampire story (again, look to Solidor for tips on this one), you need to make him seem to have a nobler purpose behind his blood-drinking ways. Because as they are, vampires don't make for very good protagonists, with that whole "creature of the night" uber killing thing they have going on.

In order for people to sympathize with him, they have to feel for him, usually that means feeling sorry for him. Show people that vampire life isn't all it's cracked up to be, what with the no food and no sunlight thing, as well as people trying to kill you all the time. You started doing that with the hunters, but you need to go further into it, make us sympathize with him more. Maybe if the hunters had caught him, and were about to kill him when he escaped (or not, that all depends on what you make for the plot). While I'm on the subject, never be afraid to put your protagonist into a tight spot, or hurt him. He doesn't need to be indestructible for us to like him; in fact, hurting him is a great way to get more sympathy.

As I said before, after sympathy comes empathy, which is siding with the vampire and wanting him to succeed. Different from sympathy in that now we don't just feel bad for him, but we want him to win. The best way to do this is to give him a noble purpose behind what he does, or at least make him feel sorry about drinking blood. On its own, blood drinking isn't a very easy thing to support for the reader, but if you make it a kind of "he needs to do it or he'll die" kind of thing, then it's easier to empathize with. Then set him on a quest to change his ways or save a princess from a tower and you're golden


Well, I think that's enough for one day (a.k.a. my fingers are getting tired). I hope some of that helped a little bit, and I highly encourage you to write another, longer story (be it about vampires or priests). So, thanks for writing, and keep up the good work :goodjob:

"Show, don't tell" is not a law, merely something that needs to be taken into consideration. Both are needed. Showing when you should be telling is merely annoying, boring Purple Prose. Since it's first person, it sounds more the way he's experiencing the world: Too tired and single-minded to give a damn about how the light is dancing around him, or how dry the path is. All that matters is he needs to get someplace quickly before either the sun fries him or the hunters find him.

I stand fast against unneccessary Purple Prose!

While I agree that Show, Don't Tell is hardly a law, it can sometimes help to give a bit more description, especially in FP. If anything, Show, Don't Tell is far more important in FP than it is in THP.

Thx, for your help guys!

Quite, I apologize if I was not clear. When I said law, I simply meant that it is used quite often, and I for one hold it in high regard. Especially for new writers, for whom description is especially important. And, though I agree there are times when telling is necessary, when just starting out it is better to use more showing. That way you don't fall into the trap of telling too much, and showing too little. Only once someone has gotten showing down do I mention the benefits of telling, and usually people figure it out on their own by then :dance:

And just because it's first person doesn't mean descriptions are any less important. Even if he's tired, he is trying to find a place to hide, which would require him to look around at his surroundings. Just because I don't mention a thing does not mean it is not important :shrug: Sorry, my mistake.

Ah, and you are very welcome Aluthren Happy to help.