» Sat Feb 19, 2011 10:28 am After thinking for a moment, a wonderful idea came to his draconic mind. With a wave of his clawed hand he created a multitude of dragon underlings, each one wearing a white chef's hat. "My children," he called them, "I have a very important job for you. I am terribly hungry, and only this world will do. But it's such a messy mass of rock and dirt, and with so many gooey living things walking on it, I simply can't eat it yet!
"I need you to go out to the world and prepare it for me. Remember that I like my worlds medium rare, so just sear the outside and leave all the delicious juices inside. Leave a few plants for seasoning and see if you can't turn the oceans into a chocolate milkshake." He licked his lips and rubbed his hungry stomach. "That would go nicely with it. And also, no rats or mudcrabs! I'm terribly allergic."
With that, Alduin took a little nap until his dinner was ready. His dragon chefs went out into the world, breathing fire and scorching everything. They had to be careful to leave the plants he requested, which was difficult since they were burning just about everything else. One could hardly notice until about two hundred years had passed, and the dragons were flying all around in a rush to get things done. After much scrambling (and more than a little advice from the Food Network), they decided they were ready to call Alduin to dinner. The other gods saw this and they were beside themselves. "Those lazy dragon chefs!" They said to each other. "That world isn't nearly done being cooked. And look, there are far too many rats and mudcrabs left! Alduin will have an allergic reaction!"
They came to the agreement that they had to send Dovahkiin to teach these dragons a lesson. He was the strictest health inspector that Nirn had ever known, and he meant business. When he saw how lousy of a job the dragons were doing of cooking the world, he decreed that the penalty would be death and killed them all one by one. When the last one was dead, Alduin woke up. He saw that the world was still very raw, and he was rather upset about it. "I'm hungry," he cried, "Where is my dinner!"
Dovahkiin didn't know what to do. He couldn't kill Alduin, since he wasn't tyring to cook anything, and he didn't have anything else for him to eat. Suddenly, he had a brilliant idea. He cast an illusion spell on himself to make him look like Alduin's mother and gathered the great dragon up into his arms. Using his best dragoness impression, and speaking in the dragon language he had had to learn to deal with the dragons, he crooned "There, there. Go back to sleep, little Al, and I'll have breakfast ready for you when you wake up."
Alduin sniffled a little more, but after a lullaby from his 'mother' he went fast asleep. With the dragon asleep, Dovahkiin set up a health inspection agency called "The Empire" to make sure that those lazy dragon chefs would never come back and do a horrible job of cooking the world.
-The End-
