The Chronicles of Ranis Tilvur

Post » Sun Jun 20, 2010 10:54 am

Well this is my first real try at writing, My friends have told me it is good but I want to get an opinion or two here. This is just part one because I just want to give a small sample to see what people think of it.

Here goes nothing.

The Chronicles of Ranis Tilvur

Ranis walked slowly into his small mushroom hut, feet dragging, his gray-blue skin was wet with sweat. He slumped down in an old worn chair, feeling the pain of the days labors course through his body. He uncorked a new bottle of Mazte feeling a small amount of regret.

"What am I doing" He said aloud with a sigh "I am no farmer." He longed to go back to his old life, The life of an adventurer. He missed the wonder, the joy, and the excitement that came with it. It was that life, though, that had him lose everything.

"Ranis!" Said Gillan a short brown haired breton. "Hold that door, they are coming!"

Ranis ran towards the wooden cavern door brandishing his enchanted silver short blade but it was to late, The door came crashing in. Men of all races began pouring through the opening. One of the men slashed wildly at Ranis' throat. He was easily able to evade the blade and easily able to evade the blade drove his own blade into the mans sternum. An orc came dashing straight for him, Ranis was able to out maneuver the axe blow he turned and flames erupted from his gloved palm sending the thug flying across the damp cave, his dark green skin bubbling.

"I don't know how much longer we can hold them!" Yelled Ranis frantically, starting towards Gillan.

"Watch out!" Said Gillan and green light flashed from his palm, Ranis felt a body fall behind him in paralysis.

"That was close, thank you my friend" spoke Ranis as he drove his blade throught the mans heart. Gillan and Ranis looked around them, they realized they where out numbered 4 to 1 but continued to fight thug after thug until suddenly a rather large armor clad Nord burst through the mass of thugs. He seemed to be the one in control as he ordered the men to halt.

"Take their weapons, bind them and cast a silence spell on them" The Nord commanded with a stern voice "We will take them to the boss."

Cought off guard, Ranis and Gillan did not think to resist. The thugs listened without hesitation grabbing the weapons and binding their hands in Irons. One dark figure walked up and waved his hands majestically and purple pink magicka sprang forth, he directed it at them and Ranis felt his Magicka being completely sapped. Two of the thugs kicked their legs behind their knees instantly knocking them harshly to the hard stone floor. The Nord walked heavily up to them.

"The boss has instructed me to bring you two to him alive" Said the Nord his armor shining in the dim light."I would have much rather spilled your intestines all over this cavern floor to watch you bleed to death!"

He pulled out a wooden club and landed a sharp blow on Ranis' head, everything went black. In an instant Ranis was out cold.

--------------------------

Ranis suddenly awoke, head throbbing, wondering where he was and what had happend. Then it all came flooding back to him. Groggily he looked around and realized Gillan was nowhere in sight. He got up for a better look at his surroundings it was a small cell, Velothi In construction, dimly lit with a guard at the door. He was sure that he was no longer in Sadrith Mora.

"Dark Elf, your next!" shouted a redguard. Two orc thugs stomped in, their green skin glistening in the dim candle light. Gillan was being dragged behind them. The orcs dragged Gillan into the cell carelessly. As Gillan was dragged past Ranis, bloodied and battered, he spoke in a weak broken voice "They are trying to get information, do not tell them a thing".

The Orcs rushed wildly at Ranis so fast he did not have a chance to talk to Gillan. Their grasp was so hard he thought his arm may break. The Orcs brought him through an ornate narrow corridor and into a large room tapestried where a pale Dark Elf stood clothed in a black cloak he had a shining red broach fixed to his collar. A sinister grin crossed the slender man's stron face when he realized Ranis was being dragged in.

"leave us!" he commanded in a powerful voice. "And close the door behind you"

The orcs immediately dropped Ranis, his face smashing against the hard stone floor, and took their leave.

"Ranis Tilvur!" The man said, noticing the surprise in Ranis' face. "Yes, we know all about you Mister Tilvur. I am Dralen Mithrin. I am the leader of the Brothers Of Silence, here on Vvardenfell"

There was a searing hatred in Dralens cold red eyes. "Who are you working for? Why are you medaling in our affairs?" Shouted Dralen with risign anger.

"I don't know what your talking about" Ranis said lied "I am just a-"

Suddenly a flash of white hot light sprang forth from Dralens finger tips, Ranis felt every nerve in his body scream in white hot agonizing pain.

"Let me ask that again!" screamed Dralen "Who are you working for?"

Ranis almost answered the question, he wanted the pain to stop, but he remember what Gillan had said. He violently resisted, spitting in Dralens face. "I will ever tell you anything!" He blurted as another bolt of searing pain coursed through his body.

"That is what I thought you would say" Spat Dralen wiping the spit from his face "So I have obtained a bit of leverage, Bring her in!"

Ranis looked to the door to see a bloody female figure. When she got closer, he realized to his horror, that it was his wife. The same two orcs dragged her in and slammed her hard at Dralen's feet.

"Pretty little Llelyn" said Dralen in a menacing tone "We wouldn't want anything unfortunate to happen to her, would we Ranis?"

"You Coward!" Ranis screamed feeling the rage burst from him. He leapt towards Dralen looking for any opening but before he could do anything a bright green aura surrounded his body paralyzing him on the spot...


Please tell me what you think, good or bad, I look forward to it.

Edit: Did some changes and added a bit more of what I have written. Once again, be one hundred percent honest.
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kelly thomson
 
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Post » Sun Jun 20, 2010 6:18 pm

It was night by the time Ranis got home from plowing the fields. Ranis was finding it quite hard to adjust to this new life. He slumped down in an old worn chair, feeling the pain of the days labors course through his body. As he uncorked a new bottle of Mazte he felt a bit of regret.


The second half of this was good, but the first two sentences are sort of bland. They put the protagonists problem out in the open right away with no lead up and you basically tell us it from the get go, which isn't bad, but you didn't do it in the most..... flowing (?) way.

"What am I doing" He thought to himself out loud "I am not farmer." He longed for to go back to his old life, a free lance adventurer. It was his old life, however, that lost him everything...


Check your punctuation. There should be a question mark after the first thing he says. Re-read the bolded part out loud. It reads somewhat awkwardly, like you've missed a word or something.

Ranis ran towards the wooden cavern door brandishing his enchanted silver short blade but it was to late, The door came crashing in. Men of all races began pouring in. One of the men slashed wildly at Ranis' throat. Ranis, easily evading it, drove his blade into the mans sturnum. Another came dashing strait for him, He turned and flames erupted from his palm sending the thug flying across the damp cave.


"Straight". Also, not a huge problem but after a comma the letters should not be capitalized.

The thugs listened without hesitation grabbing the weapons and binding their hands in Irons. One dark figure walked up and waved his hands majestically and purple pink magicka sprang forth, he directed it at them and Ranis felt his Magicka being completely sapped. Two of the thugs kicked their legs behind their knees instantly knocking them harshly to their knees. The Nord walked heavily up to them.


I feel this reads awkwardly as well, possibly because of the word "knee's" coming up twice next to each other.

He pulled out a wooden club and landed a hard blow on Ranis' head, Instantly knocking him out. He suddenly woke, head throbbing, wondering where he was and what had happend. Then it all came flooding back to him. 'Gillan' he thought looking around, the room was dimly lit, it was a cell of velothi construction. He knew he was definetly not in Sadrith Mora anymore.


This is where the fast pace of your story reveals itself. Having him be knocked out and then waking up right away just seems weird when someone is reading it, and it doesn't feel like any time has passed. Even a simple paragraph break like:

---------

This, helps a ton in my opinion.

The Orcs drug him through a narrow corridor


Dragged.

Sorry if I seemed picky, but your plot seems interesting enough for what little you have given us so I decided to pick on you mechanics ;)

THe only other thing I can say is it seems a tad rushed, so maybe some more descriptive words might help? Keep it up :)
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Floor Punch
 
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Post » Sun Jun 20, 2010 10:35 am

Thanks a lot, my friends said it should be more descriptive to, I tried. I actually thought about the knees part when I wrote that, thinking myself that it sounds weird.
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Spooky Angel
 
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Post » Sun Jun 20, 2010 8:31 pm

Ok I am going to do some edits and add a bit more, please tell me what you think again.
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Baby K(:
 
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Post » Sun Jun 20, 2010 10:38 pm

Anyone?
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u gone see
 
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Post » Sun Jun 20, 2010 4:22 pm

Dont mean to shove it down anyones throat, just bumping it for anyone who hasn't seen. I want to get some input bad.
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Leticia Hernandez
 
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