Hello people I have started to write this novel (didnt know what title to give it so the full version of the story the title may change but for now that will do) I wrote two small stories and just realized that I could do something better so I am starting to write a fan fiction novel based between Cyrodiil and Skryim based on a Nord called Feodan. It starts off quite light and then will slowly get longer chapters with a more character driven storyline, I hope you like this small first chapter.


The journey of Feodan the Nord

(The journey begins in Cyrodiil and goes to Skyrim)

Chapter 1: The road to ruin

The sun shone bright in the cloudless sky as it was yet another normal day in the land of Cyrodiil but it was for long until an event changing one man’s life. As the residents of the imperial city go to their daily lives or farming, selling, buying and gossiping; in a local bar is where it began. The door to the bar smashes open and splinters of wood scatter the road of the market place as a figure in ragged clothes lays within the mass of it. The figure limps forward, clutching their back; at the same time two people exit from the bar. A Redguard and an Argonian, they walk over to the figure and pull them out of the wood and chuck them against the bar wall.

The redguard pulls out a short blade and sticks it to the person’s throat as the Argonian checks the surrounding people with menacing looks.

“Who do you think you are stealing gold from us...Nord” he shouts at their face.

The redguard grabs the hood from their head and pulls it off to reveal a Nord male. A scar can be seen across the left eye with face paint in predatory style on parallel to each side of his face. As he was being shouted at to answer the question a smirk was slowly forming and the redguard noticed and followed it by a punch in the gut. The Nord drops to the floor spitting some blood before wiping it off his face. He looks up from the floor again with a smirk before replying.

“I have stole no gold from the likes of you shwits” he said with a slight hint of laughter.

He rose back to his feet and cleaned himself up in front of them both, he then follows it up by an intimidating wink and hand gesture. The redguard goes to swipe him, he ducks the punch and disarmed the redguard of his short blade and lobs it into the chest of the Argonian who lands straight onto the floor gurgling on his last remaining seconds of life. People nearby scream as they see this fight reach new heights. The Nord grabs the redguard by the neck and holds him close, the redguard begins to sweat and panic as his life could be ended in seconds.

“ Look look look look! P-p-p-pleasee... don’t do anything rash Feodan, we didn’t really want the gold. You see me and my pal merely wanted to give you a bit of fear that was all, but it’s all done now and I’ll leave you alone is that ok?” he said whilst gulping and breathing quickly.

The man known now as Feodan stops for a moment with the redguard still within his grasp, but then a moment later snaps his neck without blinking watching his body flop to the floor. At that moment an imperial guard dashes towards him with blade and shield in hand to prevent Feodan from escaping.

“You there Nord, stop did you do this to these people?” the guard question hesitantly whilst grasping his sword.

Feodan looked at the guard and pulled the blade out of the dead Argonian’s chest and dries the blood off before answering the guard.

“so what if I did this to them, I merely done it in self defence” he replied

“You have killed two people and yet you have no scratch on your body, it remains to be seen that it truly was in self defence or in deliberate intention. Your are to come with me to the prison to be questioned” he said as his voice grew to a more forceful tone.

Feodan looked at the guard before dashing off in the opposite way only then to be surrounded by other guards coming in to aid the situation. As Feodan notices the way is blocked he backs off slowly not realizing it is straight into the path of one of the guards. The guard elbows Feodan in the back of his head, knocking him straight down to the floor. A couple more guards help pick him up and take him on to the prison.

Chapter 2: A daring escape and a threat revealed

Days pass and the nights glow through the bars sealing the way to freedom as Feodan lays there in wait of a miracle. Both hands and feet bonded together by steel chain, with the floor smelling of urine and a bed worthy of a beggar, this was not ‘A place like home’. Feodan marks the days with his nail against the brick, tallying them as the moments pass very slowly.

Another day passes as he lay to rest in the night, the guards on duty at the time go to their resting quarters not far away from him. However the shadow of a figure moving down the tunnel can be heard tapping in the distance towards Feodan’s cell. The figure in a black hood slips through a cloth sack, smaller than their hand. The figure turns around and before walking off bangs against the cell bars to grab his attention . The figure disappears as it heads out of sight, and Feodan awakes confused by the bang until the sack on the floor could be seen in sight.

Feodan looks around all confused and places his head through the cell bars and looks around to see if anybody is there.

“Hello?! Is anybody there hello?” he questions the darkness around him
.
As Feodan takes his head back into the cell he picks up the little sack of cloth and walks over to his bed and sits there pondering what could be inside it. The cloth itself looked old and rugged with embroidery on it. Feodan opened it up to reveal a piece of scrap paper with a message on it in splattered ink.

‘You will soon be free Feodan’

He placed it back into the little cloth sack and placed it underneath his pillow before laying his head down, before he could begin to sleep he heard a crack and then a thud in the tunnel further down. He rose upon his bed and stuck his head out once more to see what happened. A figure runs straight through, it was a female imperial. She dashes to Feodan’s cell and raises her hand. She mutters a few words and fire begins to form around her hand as she then slices the steel bars holding him in.

The bars collapse to the floor and Feodan is confused but at the same time the world around him began to seem slow as he lay on the floor to see a girl with scarlet hair, bowed up behind her head. She was wearing a cloak with leather body protection and had a blade in hand.

“Who are you? And why are you doing this” he questions her

“I have no time to answer your questions you will learn all you need to know soon but now you have to come with me, I need to get you out of here” she quickly replied whilst pulling him out of the cell.

The noise of armour clanking against the ground began to grow louder every second, the troops knew of this break in.

“Their getting away, seal them in!” A guard yells.

The girl runs at them and begins to glow as a spark of lightning can be seen sent straight at them knocking them all down to the floor. Feodan whilst still baffled on what was happening around him, ran to catch up with her. She led him down a back route of the prison, only for more guards to arrive and corner them off. She pulls out some dust from within her pocket and scatters them in a line in front of them both only then to set them alight causing a blockade they couldn’t get through.

Feodan looked at her once more but could not understand why she would do all this just to save him.

“Why are you doing this for me? I am of no importance to anyone” He asked as he watch her break open a window and tossed a rope down with a claw attached to the top.

“You were once a member of the blades who was banished through treason. Your father was murdered and he was a friend to the king of this once prosperous city. There is a great evil coming, the daedra are returning and my task is to take you to see my master” she quickly replied

Feodan was shocked about all these things she had said but was anxious to know from where she heard this stuff about him. The only thing she had spoke about was her ‘master’ being the one that had sent her for him. She climbs out of the window and onto the rope and begins to climb down.

“Come on Feodan!” she shouts

He follows suit as they both climb down the prison tower, it was a long climb down as they hastily escape the clutches of the imperial guards. They hit ground only then to take cover behind some barrels as it being near the docking bay. A reinforcement group of soldiers arrive quickly to the scene and scatter around in search for them. The girl once again places her hand in another pocket to reveal a scroll. She unwinds it and throws it into the centre of them.

“FOR RAH DOA” She shouts as the scrolls ignites and explodes pushing all the surrounding guards to the floor and temporarily stunned.

“Feodan come with me, we’ll make way for the forest and head north to Bruma from there, once we get out of here I will answer all your questions, now come on!” she shouted

Feodan follows her out of the prison tower and into the forest which spreads for miles. As time passed they set camp amongst a large tree which had a big enough embed for them to sleep in. Wood was gathered and sparked alive as Feodan lay against the tree looking at the girl.

“Thank you” he said

“What for?” she replied

“For saving my life back there, I could of been dead by now if the guards had their way” he said whilst looking into his hands.

The girl took the cloak off of her and placed it at her side, she pulled a short knife from within her leather boots and put it alongside as well. She untied her pony tailed hair and allow it flow. She looked at Feodan and smirked at him as he lay almost asleep but he was awake enough to ask one more question.

“W-what was your name then......you never said” he whispered as he soon was to fall asleep.

“Liana, i’m please to meet you Feodan” she replies softly

“Lian—Liana.........zzzzz” he mutters as he falls to sleep.

Liana extinguishes the fire before laying down herself to sleep, she pulls the blade close to her stomach and peaks around the surroundings before closing her eyes.

**********************************Meanwhile************************************
Several figures on horseback ride across the main bridge leading to the Imperial City. The gate guards stand and await their arrival with spears in hand. They slow down the gallops as they approach the guards and from what can be seen one wears a hooded cloak and the others are soldiers themselves. The shields at their sides show the emblem of Chorrol, the soldiers step off their horses and approach the gate guards.

“We are here to see the Emperor at the palace” says one of the soldiers

“And by whom is ‘we’” replies a gate guard

The hooded cloaked figure raises his hands and pulls down the hood covering his face to reveal a middle aged man. His short combed black hair with a short dark beard across his mouth, a scar can be seen against his left cheek and one underneath his left eye. He smiled at the guard whilst placing his arm under the cloak to pull out a amulet.

“ The Count of Chorrol of course fellow men” he replied

Both the gate guards converse with their backs turned before turning back and stepping away leaving an open path for them.

“Very well Count of Chorrol we shall send word of your arrival to the Emperor” replies one of the guards.

Both the Count and the men accompany him, make haste down the cobble path towards the central palace. The clouds begin to dim as there darkness sheds into tears upon the street. The arrive to the front of the palace in which the Count and his men get off their horses and make their way into the building. The main door is large and heavy to open, it leads into a spiral circle which heads up past the council chamber and the library and into his main quarters, its stonework architecture accompanied by torches lighting the way and shinning off of the wonderfully textured tapestries. The Count and his men make their way to the top and arrive at his chamber, the Count knocks once on the door which on it was a symbol of a dragon. The Count and men stay silent awaiting an answer.

“Come in Count of Chorrol” a voice behind the door said.

The Count opened the door into his chamber and was presented with large amounts of cuisine luxury. Ancient tapestries were everywhere, with a bed in the centre with a silk sheet, fur rugs scattered amongst the large floor space. A middle age man in robes of white fur and jewellery , walks into the room and raises both arms whilst walking to the Count before giving him a warm welcome of a hug.

“Welcome what brings the new Count of Chorrol to my chamber” he asks

The Count takes off his cloak and places it down on a chair and signals his men to leave the room.

“I am here to bring news which could be of most importance to you my Emperor” he replies

The Emperor twists the rings on his fingers and looks into his fireplace, a smile that was once there turn pale and worried.

“What news do you speak?” he cautiously asks

The Count paces across to the fire place to see the portrait of Uriel Septim, a man once known throughout the land and was assassinated by the mythic dawn over a hundred years ago.

“The Daedra are coming” he says blatant

“What are you saying....Daedra? they have not been on these lands for a hundred years, since the closing of the great gate, the war for Bruma!” he replies angrily

The Count gulps and pulls himself together to finish the rest he has to say.

“A few of my scouts came across a rouge group of mages who were in the mountains, they seemed to be sacrificing their own people and making rituals to Daedric statues. According to a journal that was recovered off of one of those who were captured they have found a way of breaking the seal which is keeping them in the plains of Oblivion” he says in confidence

“How long do we have Count, how long before we are once again fighting these hordes of horrific creatures” he says with pace

“The book says it will be about two weeks for the seal to be broken, and there is no way around sealing it once again” the Count replies

The Emperor stands up and walks across to the window of his chamber, he looks across the lands in the far distance to see the peace that has been brought to these lands since that time. He looks below as all the lights in his beloved city go off for their night’s sleep. He looks back at the Count and places his hand on his shoulder.

“May Akatosh guide us to salvation” he says whilst a tear streams his face.

First question: when you say "novel" you just mean unpublished fan fic right?

Well there is really only one question. I read the first few paragraphs and I can already tell your writing style. It reads like a somewhat detailed chronology of events instead of a story.

There is no flow between things happening. One second the door is broken, the next someone has anti-climatically been stabbed in the throat, but instead of elaborating on that, your on to your next thought. I stopped reading there, not because its bad, in any sense, but because personally I can't read stories that move this quickly.

If Darkom were here, he'd tell you to "show, not tell" as per every critique he's ever given it means put some detail into it. Length does not equal quality description.

When the person gets stabbed, try explaining the blade entering his throat and maybe the immediate reaction of people in the bar. I hardly know what the bar looks like, nor do I know anything more descriptive then an Argonian and a Redguard have just killed someone.

This isn't to say be over descriptive. I've had people tell me my fan fics get too "wordy" with long sentences filled with unnecessary describing words.

Last thing: another personal thing, I don't like the way you started your story. I dislike those "fairy tale" beginnings that read like a Disney film

This is actually the last thing: take this with a grain of salt. Most of what (likely all of it) I posted is personal opinion but you'll find that on this forum, most people will tell you your writing feels rushed. Don't take this seriously if you don't want to but definitely don't be discouraged by it and stop writing. I could pick apart your grammar as well, along with sentence flow and what not but I'm on a cell phone so this will be all for now

Hope you keep writing