I decided to write this fanfic based on one of the characters i play, it's my first one so go easy.

critisism and advice is more than welcome, i hope you enjoy.


My name is Sader Moriel and I felt free for the first time in years as I trudged towards the imperial city from bruma, free from the legion, free from the rules. It felt good. As I walked I felt my mind drift to the events that led to this day, getting drafted into the imperial legion from my hometown in Hammerfell, parting with my family, serving in Skyrim and Morrowind. Those days were over and my family long dead, victims of plague. Eventually my time had come and I was discharged after seven long years serving the empire. My final days in the legion had gone smoothly and I had made my way to Cyrodil from Skyrim with the aim of reaching the imperial city as soon as possible. The lush landscape brought a halt to my brooding as it was a welcome change from the snowy and barren land of the Nords where I had spent the last few months finalizing my exit from the legion, I laughed as the sun beamed down on my dark Redguard face and I turned my thoughts to the future, I would make my fortune doing what I do best, fighting. Whether it be in the arena or as an adventurer, I new I couldn’t be stopped, with the lean muscular build of a warrior, brandishing a blade and adorned in light armour I had proved time and time again my skill and tenacity in battle. My mind was thrust back into the present as I reached the shore of Lake Rumare, I stopped to take a drink and admire the magnificent pillar that is white gold tower, eager to reach my destination I quickly made my way to the large stone bridge that connects the city isle to the settlement of Weye, as I began to cross I heard a harsh voice “stop right there criminal scum!” I turned around and came face to face with an Imperial, a balding and smug looking guard captain, sword drawn and levelled at my throat, he was flanked by two imperial city guards who also had swords drawn, before I could inquire as to why he was doing this he demanded to see inside the large pack I was carrying which contained my armour, some food and a large amount of septims, as he inspected my belongings my mind raced as I tried to work out exactly where he had appeared from and why in oblivion he wanted to see inside my pack “just as I thought” he said with an air of satisfaction “stolen. all of it” I felt a familiar surge of rage well up inside me and it took all my self control to give the treacherous bastard an answer that wouldn’t make the situation worse “those things are mine” I said in a strained but calm voice, a dark smile passed across the captains face “not anymore, it’s evidence now Redguard” as he said this he pocketed the gold and handed the pack to the guard on his left then quick as lightning he snapped around and smashed the pommel of his sword into the side of my head, catching me off guard, I fell, bleeding to the ground. Before I blacked out I looked up and committed the man’s laughing face to memory, he had just made a very dangerous enemy. He didn’t know it yet, but he was as good as dead.



I'll post more of it if requested.

I would like to see more. However some advice: you revealed to much about your character at once, give us short bits or reveal your character through actions in the story, you should go into much more detail when you described past events and the setting, and finally the most simple piece of advice is to break up the story into more readable paragraphs.

Keep writing! :thumbsup:

I would recommend you improve your mechanics. Whenever you change ideas, you should change paragraphs; don't just have one giant wall of text, because it's hard for the rest of us to read. Whenever something sudden and new happens, make a new paragraph. Whenever you shift focus, make a new paragraph. Whenever a conversation begins, make a new paragraph. Paragraphs are your friends.

Furthermore, your story suffers from run-on sentences. I suggest you either break them down into simpler sentences or use semicolons and conjunctions to keep them more flowing and cohesive.

Wow. Try to use paragraphs. Especially when new dialogue begins, transition from thought/narration to the actual story. That wall of text is rather intimidating.
Also, its best not to reveal the whole background of your character at once, show bits of it as the story progresses and when your character is thinking, use italics to distinguish it from the rest of the text.

Otherwise sounds good.