Chapter 1: On The Run

"Selene, hurry! The others will soon be after us!" shouted Rethas, an Ordinator of Vivec's St. Olmes Canton. His wife, Selene, was pregnant with a child, but they were all in danger for a 'crime' committed by Rethas that was taken as heresy to the Tribunal. "I'm coming Rethas, be quick and grab the torch, the baby's coming soon!"

The couple raced along the walkways of the Canton, going down the steep stairwells of sandy tan stone, light from the torch bouncing off the walls and glittering slightly. Soon they reached a small manhole cover that led to the vast underground network of Vivec's sewers, it was silent aside from the heavy breathing of Selene and the thumping of the two lovers' hearts. The two climbed down, Rethas being gentle and careful with his wife, who had just began to go into labor. The metal ladder was slick with green and brown slime, rats scurried around every corner, and the canols of sewage were something to be greatly avoided as bits of wood and even bones floated in the water, things swimming just below the murky surface. Pitch-blackness was permeated only by the single torch bobbing in the dark as Rethas led his wife down the corridors of the dank man-made caverns.

Her screams and groans of agony could be heard throughout the sewers. The two had found a small inlet that would be a perfect hiding place, however it could not block out the stench of stale water, old rotten boards littered the ground and algae and mold grew on the dome-like ceiling. "Come on Selene, you almost have it now, push my love, push!" and in one last heave, the baby Dunmer was born. Rethas cradled the child in his arms, pressing him up close to his armor and wrapping his blue sash around the child for warmth. The baby was a hue of blue with almost pure red eyes, Rethas smiled as he held the babes' tiny hands. It whimpered and cuddled against its father.

"He's beautiful, Selene." said the proud father, "What shall we name him?" Selene was exhausted, her flowing black hair was plastered to her forehead with sweat and her yellow tunic was ragged and dirty, her tunic now wreaking of the sewers odor and the smell of new-birth. Wrapping herself in blankets Rethas had brought to keep herself warm, and taking up the small, red-eyed Ashland child, she looked into his eyes. "What do you think of Vardyn, after my Great Grand-sire. He was an Armiger you know." replied Selene, letting the Dunmer babe svckle on its first drops of milk.

Rethas stood up and took his helmet off, he pondered the name. He looked down at his wife and new son, and smiled.

"Vardyn it is." Rethas knelt beside his family, kissing his child on the forehead and kissing his wife on the lips. The torch behind them began to burn low.

Suddenly, the clanking of armor and shouts of raspy-voiced guards could be heard throughout the tunnels. Rethas turned his head, then looked back at his wife, "Keep Vardyn quiet." he whispered, Selene nodded.

Rethas crept over to the small opening, he saw six guards coming in his direction. He ran over and put out the torch, then he took a large slab of slimy rock that was used to cover the opening, and he sealed off the entrance to the small cave he and his family were hiding in.

It was dark, and only the shouting of guards could be heard outside. Surprisingly, baby Vardyn was silent as a mouse.

Now all they had to do was wait. Wait in the silence of the dark, dank tunnels.

"N'wah! You will not get away with this petty murder! You will be judged! Bastard!" Shouted an angry Dunmer guard outside the hole, Rethas and his wife praying to the ancestors they wouldn't be found
End of chapter 1

I like the description of the light, and for your first chapter it makes me want to know what happens next. Can't wait for the next chapter.

Don't worry though; we have several individuals that can't critique you. I am not one of those people, but when they do arrive listen to what they have to and it will make you writing better. I know they have helped me a lot.

Very nice indeed. I think the introduction of the main hero by his very own birth is really interesting. It gives me the feeling as if I would be reading th "Parfume" by Patrick S?sskind.... I hope you understand

Vardyn has the main role in the main storie, hasn't he?

We have arrived Cower in terror!

Nah, I'm not that cool, sorry. But I can offer you some advice on your intro. Intros are most definately my favorite part of stories, probably because I rarely see them go past that

The first thing I noticed is that you make the same mistake a lot of writers do: you hand out useless information. The reader is usually able to infer things; say, for example, your character being wanted by the police. Here is the info we need: he is in Vivec, he is being chased by Ordinators, he is with his pregnant wife, and she is going to have a baby. Everything else we probably know. If you've ever seen people talk about a good balance between description and what we already know, that is what you need to achieve.

One thing I also suggest frequently: add more description. I know it is the intro, and more often than not they tend to behave like legends, but there is nothing more enrapturing than an almost poetic description of a small scene. Try and tell us what he and his wife looked like, what the street around the manhole was like, what they felt (and smelled) in the sewer, etc. You can leave out the grody bits about him being born, but other than that be as descriptive as possible. It can be tedious to write like that, you may feel like it is taking a lot of space for a little info, but believe it or not people don't start reading because of story. Sure, plot is a great way to make people enjoy the story, but what can really reflect your skill as a writer is description.

I myself am trying to add more descriptions into my writing- using metaphors and other poetic devices- and I am finding myself generally more satisfied with my recent work. So, just tell us exactly what you are imagining when you think of the scene, and you'll do perfectly. My stories tend to focus on characters and action more than the settings, and although it has strengthened my characters, people can't imagine what is going on quite as easily. So, all in all, work on that.

Another thing, keep your characters believable. I have never been present during a birth, so I wouldn't know what is running through this guy's mind, but I think a bit more can be said. The whole thing feels like a legend or folk tale more than a narrative and, while that can work, it is something I see too often in poorer stories. My first fan fic here started like that too, and no matter how much I tried to justify it to myself, I always look back at it and am reminded of how poor a writer I was then.

Other than that I liked it though. The idea of a birth in a sewer is kind of strange, and I am interested in seeing how this kid will turn out from a life on the run. I'm not jumping-out-of-my-seat excited, but it's interesting

So, thanks for writing, and keep it up :goodjob:

Well thank you for the advice!

I will reveal later in the story as to why they were on the run, for right now I just wanted to introduce the main character, which is baby Vardyn

And just so you know Darkom, normally I'm almost an OVERLY descriptive person, I love description and I hate it when I can't picture something in my head. I happen to have a terrible cough, for the past 2 days, and I took some of the syrup stuff they gave me, Codeine I think, and I just couldn't focus on description.

The next chapter will have more description and a bit of insight as to why the family is on the run.

I hope you all like it. And the next chapter will either be later tonight or possibly earlier tomorrow.

EDIT: I also edited my intro, a bit more detail involved, tell me if I need to improve. I can focus now that the drugs have warn off

Chapter 2: By Boat to Castle

Rethas awoke, the small room still dark, mold still hanging from the ceiling. During the night, he had decided to try and dry out some of the old wood that littered the floor. A small pile of burning embers was the only thing that cast a small shadow on the new mother and father, as well as the svckling babe. Rethas inched over to his wife and kissed her cheek, "How are you my love?" he whispered into her ear. She set baby Vardyn in his small bundle of blankets, "I'm alright, but we must get out of this hell-hole, I'm not sure how much longer the baby can last in these conditions.

Rethas nodded, he scooped up some of the still hot embers and tied them to a wet, thick stick, wrapping it tightly with his own sash, making a small torch. Rethas then cautiously slid back the manhole cover, which hid the entrance to the small room he and his wife had slept in. He then rushed out and waved the torch in each direction, his scimitar in the other hand. It was then that he realized the other guards were most likely searching other parts of the city.

He could see down the tunnels each way, the coast was clear. More importantly, the canol that ran through the sewer led to the outside, where Rethas had made a deal with a gondolier to ferry them to land. "We must get going Selene, we have to make time, morning is breaking soon and the mist will be gone."

And so, the two got ready, Selene cradling baby Vardyn and Rethas leading his wife and child to freedom. As they reached the opening to the outside, the water as they could see was pouring out like a waterfall, carrying bits of wood and other objects into the sea around Vivec. Through the mist, they saw hope, a small gondola being poled along by Arvas Vethram.

Rethas waved his torch in the air twice and then threw it in the water. Arvas poled his way under the waterfall of sewage, as far as he could go, and offered up a small ladder made of wood that looked as if it would snap under a feather. But, Rethas and Selene braved the small ladder, getting a bit wet along the way.

The morning mist was as thick as honey, all that could be seen were the tall tops of the giant mushroom-like trees and plants that grew around Vivec. The occasional Slaughterfish would pass the gondola, but there was no worry. Arvas poled the gondola further away from Vivec, and the search parties of Ordinators. The early morning air was cold and damp, but luckily Arvas supplied a blanket to the three fugitives. Baby Vardyn, still cradled in his mother's arms.

Rethas maintained a vigilant watch. Soon, salvation could be seen as the sun broke through the mist, revealing the shore 100 ft away, and Ebonheart just in the distance. "We made it Selene!" exclaimed Rethas, standing up in the gondola, nearly capsizing it. Selene stood as well, and the two hugged. "When we reach Ebonheart, we will meet with a Nord who will take us up the coast to Gnisis." said Rethas. "How long have you been planning this, Rethas?" asked Selene, the entire ordeal had taken her somewhat by surprise, but she still did not know entirely why they had to flee so suddenly.

"All will be explained when we are safe my darling, all will be explained." said Rethas, looking forward towards Ebonheart.

As they reached the docks, Rethas thanked Arvas for his help, payed him and sent him on his way. The couple walked down the docks, soon they spotted the burly tattooed Nord sailor. His ship was that of a classic Nordic style, and the man himself carried a large battle-axe. Rethas walked over to him, Selene close behind.

"North to escape?" asked Rethas, "North to freedom." replied the Nord. They all loaded up on the small ship and shoved off.

Gnisis was to be the next step in their journey.

nice

The Road to a New Home:

Fort Darius loomed in the fog, ashy cliff-faces on either side of the river in which Rethas, Selene, and baby Vardyn were traveling on with their Nordic friend, who had come to their rescue in Ebonheart. Selene lay sleeping in the bottom of the wooden hull. Blankets, pillows, and rugs piled into a small bed underneath a simple gray tent, baby Vardyn laying in his mothers' sleeping arms, svcking his thumb.

The Nordic man, Belkand Sea-Goose, locked the rudder in place as the fifteen foot boat caught a steady current in the river. He approached Rethas, who was looking off the bow of the ship, his braided hair fluttering slightly in the light breeze. The breath of both men could be seen in puffs of steam because of the bitter morning cold that had come in from the mainland, winter finally setting in.

"What happened, I only caught word of you killing someone, important apparently?" Asked the burly Nord, up until this point, Rethas had been rather secretive about the ordeal.

"It was Danso Indules, I was trying for Vivec but the guards got in my way and I made a mistake in a hasty situation... I was a fool Belkand, but damn it all the Tribunal is corrupt!" Said the angry mer in a stern and loud, raspy voice. It was true, it was an assassination attempt on the demi-god, Vivec, one of the holy Tribunal who were to be assassinated the night Rethas tried. The fates of the other two were unknown.

"Where do you plan to go now then? You know the Imperials, the Ordinators, AND the Great Houses will be after your head. Gods only know what will happen to Selene and the new-born, in which I congratulate you friend, he will be a strong young man." Replied Belkand, laying a hand on his friends' shoulder. The boat was now nearing the shore where Rethas had planned to get off. He walked across the deck and put his hand on her shoulder, her eyes opened and she smiled at her husband.

"We're there already? Hmm, I must have been more tired than I though." Said the beautiful Mer mother, letting the baby Vardyn svckle again. She stood up with help from Rethas as the ship ground to a halt on the gravel shore of the banks of the river, the gray wood scraping the banks and the white sails fluttering.

"Thank you for all your help Belkand, I will be making a short stop in Gnisis, then its out to the Grazelands." Rethas told his Nordic friend, stepping off the boat with a pack full of gear for the long journey to be had in the years to come. He had taken off his sash and cape which marked him as a Canton Ordinator, in order to stay anonymous.

With a silent goodbye the Nord bowed, and in a mighty heave, shoved his boat off the bank and maneuvered the small ship into the middle of the current. Disappearing in the fog.

Rethas hugged his wife close, and they headed towards Gnisis, and a fate that would decide their babies' journey forever.

Twelve Years Later:

A young Dunmer sat by the river near Fort Darius, he had a barbed fishing spear in his hands and was clothed in nothing but ragged pants and a pair of leather vambraces. He looked over the water, seeing a few slaughterfish dart in between the spindles of kelp that grew off the bed-rocks. His hair was long and surprisingly gray in color, it had 3 braid in the front which hung in front of his gaunt face. Quite handsome for a thirteen year old Dunmer. Today was his birthday, which is why he sat by the river doing nothing, he was relieved of his stock duties in the fort.

Sighing heavily, he stood up and stretched, then began heading further down the bank and away from the fort, into rather forbidden territory. Lately, a herd of blighted Kagouti had been spotted near Gnisis, and Vardyn's friends had been dared to track one down and try to kill it. The dare had come from a few of local guards who loved to poke fun at the young mer who fancied themselves warriors. Despite the obvious danger, pride had gotten the best of Vardyn and his pals, and on his thirteenth birthday, the hunt had come to them.

As Vardyn rounded the bend of the river, he crossed it at a shallow point as he saw a small plume of smoke that marked his friends' campsite. When he crested the hill, he saw the others. Nelos, Endrith, and Elay, all poor boys like him who aimed at killing the roaming Kagouti that day.

"Well, look who decided to show?" said Elay, the 15 year old red-headed Dunmer, and the leader of the small hunting party. He carried a small bow and twelve arrows. The other two simply nodded at Vardyn, who nodded back, secretly they were all a bit afraid at the challenge ahead, doubting the abilities of their meager weapons coupled with sheer inexperience.

"Elay, maybe we should just go back, I mean come on? Why do we HAVE to hunt some diseased animals just because the guards made fun of you for running from that nix-hound?" Nelos piped in, the last bit of the question stinging Elay's pride. He had been spooked by an old nix-hound who was ultimately harmless, which was when the guards mentioned the Kagouti and made fun of Elay for thinking of becoming a hunter.

"Because!" shouted Elay, obviously annoyed at Nelos' question, "Its not about being dared, stupid. Its about the reward we'll get if we turn in hides! Six hides gets us 120 septims, that's food for all of us for at least a month, and since Vardyn's coming of age he'll need the money soon. We all have it bad, especially since the storms are getting worse and half of the village men are stuck in the damned mines."

Elay made a good point, Vardyn's father along with at least twenty others were stuck in the mines due to the heavy storms, which made the younger men responsible for taking care of their families in the absence of the older men. Right now the Kagouti, who were rumored to be hiding in a nearby cave, were a source of money that could tie over Vardyn and his mother for a good time.

An hour passed, the boys sat about, discussing plans on how exactly they would take on six diseased Kagouti's in a small cave. They were armed with spears, knives, and Elay had his bow. They could use the weapons well enough, but Kagoutis had tough hides and the only killer opening was on their belly.

"We'll have to make them charge us, when they get close enough, we fall on our backs and stab their chests. If we're lucky, we kill them and walk home with the hides." Vardyn finally said, the others nodded, still unsure of the plan but knowing that without the hides, none of the families would make it through the coming winter without their fathers.

"I have a gift from Fort Darius, I took them from the warehouse, nobody uses them." Endrith said, pulling a few old chitin cuirasses out of a bag he was carrying. The faces of the young would-be hunters lit up, pulling on the armor of the ashlands, they soon looked like the hunters they desired to be. Then, Vardyn took some ash from the fire, pulled marshmarrow out of a pouch, and ground the two together on a rock. He smeared the powdery thick substance on his face in a strange pattern, like a war-paint.

The others followed suit. Vardyn and Elay stood up, and looked at each other.

"Well, its midday, and the sun is high. No better time, hmm?" Nelos asked the others, smirking.

"Lets go then, we have prey waiting." Shouted Elay, raising his bow and knife, beginning a sprint down the hill, the others catching up with him.

The cave loomed in sight; the hunt was on.

I liked it although the dialogue between the young boys felt a bit like advlts rather than 13 to 15 year olds. All repsonsible and stuff.

A suggestion:

I think it would look better turned around, more dramatical.
The cave loomed in sight; the hunt was on.

Ah, well thank you for the feedback. I'm not sure how I would make dialogue between 15 yr olds sound more their age, because I have nothing to compare it to, really. Besides, they are supposed to sound more advlt than the teenager today would, their fathers are stuck in mines run by Imperial overlords and the families are half starved, forcing the boys to go on a potentially lethal hunt in order to provide.

I also took your advice on the ending line, it does sound more dramatic now that I read it.

I think I'd like to continue this. Been going through a LOT lately, and I need to start writing again before I lose it.

The Hunt

The four youths, looking like short ashland warriors, plodded through the mist and dust. An ash storm, courtesy of Red Mountain, was beginning to brew. "Dammit, Elay, we'll never find the cave in this-" Endrith, the youngest of the four, was cut short when Vardyn put his up to silence him. He looked forward, their mark was found. An old cave entrance, a wooden door smashed to bits, was built into the side of a hill. "Come on, we've got to hurry." Vardyn pleaded, know full-well that if they were caught in the storm, they may never see home again. The four dark-skinned elven boys ran to the entrance quickly entered the cave, but dropped into crouches as they did.

Within was nothing but darkness, the sound of wind picking up outside and blowing dust in the old cave. They all looked at each other, each reading the others face as if to say, 'No going back now'.

Silently the hunters delved deeper, using only small bundles of twigs as a glowing source of light. It was over an hour until they began to hear the heavy breathing and scuffling of rocks, the one sign that frightened them though... the bones and rotting corpses of animals, blood-stained walls where they were torn to pieces. "Kagouti don't hunt like this." Whispered Elay, "Diseased ones, maybe." Nelos replied, his voice was filled with fear.

Vardyn was the first to enter the den, smothering his light-source in what looked like the insides of an animal. He nearly got sick. "Azura, Boethiah, guide our hands and stay our minds. Protect us." Vardyn prayed, all four then kissed the charms they wore about their necks.

The Kagouti all laid fast asleep, the young Mer made their way in as silently as they were permitted by the bones and gravel. Each step making the tiniest crunch, but sounding like thunder to them. Nelos, carrying a small steel dagger was to make the first kill. His own father was once a Morag Tong assassin, now sentenced to work in the mines by the Imperial courts, but not before teaching his son a few tricks. No matter the training though, the darkness deceived them all. As Nelos rammed the dagger into a Kagouti's throat, everything fell to pieces for the young hunters.

The creature let out a piercing shriek and jumped to its powerful legs, in only a moment it gored Nelos, throwing him to the far side of the den where he crashed into a pile of bones and another one of the beasts sleeping beneath it. A torrent of shrieks, shrill and sharp, filled the entirety of the caves. "Nelos!!!" Screamed Elay, knocking an arrow and firing it at the kagouti who had gored him. It was a lucky shot, as it pierced the beasts' right eye. Now with an arrow in its brain and a dagger in its throat, the thing fell, kicking rocks and dust in its death throws.

Short-lived was the triumph, as all the other kagouti were charging the remaining three boys. Nelos was dead, his body bloody and broken despite the cuirass he wore. This sparked fires in the hunters'. It wasn't just about the hides, but revenge and their own lives. Elay fired another arrow, hitting a beast in its right leg causing it to stumble and collided head-first into the rock wall as the boy jumped out of its way. Endrith, carrying a spear, stuck to Vardyn's side as another kagouti ran at them. At the last moment the two dropped to their backs and skewered the beast, twisting the heads of the spears and ripping them out violently.

Three more beasts remained, a large female, and two smaller males. Elay had finished off the kagouti he shot with his dagger and ran to the others. Vardyn and Endrith tried... they desperately tried to warn their friend. But alas, fate had other plans for Elay. The large female rammed into his mid-section with such force that his Chitin cuirass shattered, along with every bone in his torso. Vardyn leaped at the monster, enraged. As the female was mauling Elay, Vardyn hopped onto its back and drove his spear beneath the the thick plating of her head. He rammed harder and harder, giving a savage twist that snapped the spear-head.

The beast fell, blood covered Vardyn's face and chest. Endrith was keeping the two males at bay, as he was the largest and strongest of the boys. Vardyn cradled Elay's head in his arms, the sound of another kagouti dieing was heard as Endrith managed to kill it.

"Elay... I'm sorry... I don't-" Elay took Vardyn's hand, gripping it tightly. His voice was even raspier than before, choking of his own blood, "Take... take care of my mother... " He coughed, sputtering blood as he did, "But," Elay actually managed to crack a smile, "You can't... you still can't ask for my sister." He let out a chuckle as tears rolled down his face, Vardyn as well. The last kagouti was killed by Endrith, beating its head in with a rock.

He made his way over to his two friends. "Elay, tell Nelos I'm sorry." Said Vardyn, his voice shaking, trying desperately to hold back the rest of his tears. Elay shook his head, "We- we died like the true ashlanders we are. We'll meet again Vardyn, you too Endrith. Some day-" He coughed and shook as the last of his life began fading away, "Some day... in paradise... ".

That day, the lives of two boys, two young men were lost. Their only hope and goal was to help their families. Vardyn and Endrith buried them in a manner they knew of the Ashland tribes. Placing the tusks of the kagouti they killed in their graves, and lining them with stones. Finally, they carved the old Daedric symbols into stone and placed them at the heads of the graves. In the end, Vardyn and Endrith collected the hides and meat, and went to another part of the cave, not bothering to seal off the tomb of their friends. They knew that the families would want to visit, and that was the one thing the two remaining hunters dreaded.

"Why did this have to happen, Endrith?" Questioned Vardyn, Endrith simply stared into the fire they had built in the cave. "It was a hunt. Nobody's to blame, Vardyn. We all knew it was a risk, but I guess even we couldn't see this happening. We all admire the men who have battle-scars and tattoos. The Imperial guards who act as slave-masters, Elay wanted to show them that the 'Dark Elves' were more than what the Imperials saw them as." In the time between the beginning of the hunt, and what Endrith had told Vardyn, the both of them grew within. Some say maturity comes with age, as does wisdom. But that isn't true. Tragedy and loss, these are what made the young Dunmer grow that day.

What was to come in the following week. It was something even more life-changing then the deaths of their friends.

I am VERY rusty, so feedback is extremely welcome. Please, I've got to start writing again, and this is the only Fan-fic I've written that I feel has a good amount of potential.