So a few months back I wrote the first chapter to my first character's back story, but never finished it. Having stumbled upon it, I decided to present it to the community and see if I was doing alright. So I'll be releasing my other chapters after I'm done writing and polishing them. Any constructive criticism would be very appreciated, please keep in mind that this is my first foray into fan-fiction, thank you!

Rebirth of the Shehai
By:
Ansei



Chapter 1

I could feel the cool breeze blowing from the coasts, into the oasis where I was resting. The wind gave my skin a welcome respite from the scorching heat of the desert sun. Not that the heat bothered me much, we Redguards have always thrived since our arrival in the deserts of Hammerfell and before that in the even more arid islands of Yokuda, our long lost homeland. But even as I felt the heat on my skin, I knew that it was only an illusion. Nothing but a memory brought to life by my over-active imagination...

"Wake up scum!" the guard shouted at me as he dumped a bucket of ice cold water through the bars of my cell door and onto the filthy bedroll on which I was lying. The sharp sting of the winter water was a great contrast to my dream of the desert sun, and a bitter reminder of where I was, and what my captors had in store for me.

"Thanks for the early start, sunshine." I replied sarcastically to the guard staring at me through the rusty iron bars of my cell door.

He was a Nord of meager proportions by his race's standards, whose only distinctive features were a large jagged scar that stretched from just under his right ear to the top of the bridge of his nose, and a long trampy brown beard with crumbs of old food stuck between the hairs here and there. He wore a less adorned version of the chainmail the guards that had arrested me had worn. In the whole week I was imprisoned I had never seen the man smile and never heard him laugh, so I taunted.

"You must just love your job."

"I'd rather be watching criminals than be standing on your side of the bars, scum." he snaped.

I could tell that the man had been in a military force. I had seen the look in his eye many times before. I had seen that look in the eyes of men and women I had trained with, I had seen it in the eyes of my father and mother, I had seen it in my own reflection. The look in his eye told me he had spilt his share of blood, witnessed the horrors of war, stared into a man's eyes as he took his life.. So I guessed he must have been a respected war veteran, maybe forced into the position of prison guard to shut him down.

"I mean... You must have aspired to more than this..."

"I..." he mumbled, turning to sit down on a nearby stool and dropping his gaze to the stone floor.

For a second a sadness filled his eyes and he looked at me like he wanted to tell me all his deepest regrets. But in an instant his face turned into a scowl, the sadness disappearing for a burning fury to take it's place.
"I know what you're trying to do! Distracting me for your chance at the keys are you? You'll get what's coming to you soon enough, scum!" He cried, suddenly standing up and storming out of the the dungeon.

"By the way, the name's Hattu, not scum!" I called after him, just before I heard the dungeon doors slam shut.

As much as it might have looked like it, I wasn't trying to distract the guard, I was trying not to go mad. Talking to someone was a distraction from the stone walls that seemed to be closing in. The only other escape I had were the memories of my homeland and my travels and adventures, so I closed my eyes and let myself drift away...

Besides typos, I found a story that while lacking in the substance that instantly grabs you, does not make for an altogether bad read. I would have preferred to read something with more story or tales, or events taking place as I feel it wasn't enough to set up what the rest of the fan fiction would be like. However I am a huge fan of Ra'Gada lore and will make sure to monitor how you portray the Ansei, Shehai Shen She Ru as well as other aspects of Yokudan lore.

A very nice and sweet read. I like it.

Be careful of repeating words I think you used the word "eye" way too many times.

But the biggest piece of advice I can give you is: "Show, don't tell."



This is more telling than showing. You TELL us there is sadness in his eyes, you TELL us he was on the edge of spilling his guts.

Let's use a little more SHOW.

For a second his eyes glazed over and began to water, he looked up at me, his lips were trembling, his tongue quivering. He parted his lips and drew in a sharp breath, then suddenly...

More SHOWING less TELLING.

See what I mean. And Besides the other grammatical errors, GOOD JOB. I like it.