Running with Jenkins

Post » Sun May 29, 2011 1:04 am

Well, as promised, I will post my novel up here. Hope you enjoy it. And sorry abouth the lenth, I'm not too fond of long prologues.

Prologue: The Death

Kenny, the old man sitting in a red chair, sat at his seat, reading the newspaper and thinking happy thoughts. He had just turned one hundred and four the day before, and was stll enjoying the huge surprise party that his guardian had thrown for him. He had the greatest time, no music, but relatives he had not seen for ten or more years came, and some of his closest friend went. Unfortunately though, tha would be his last memory, or regular memory. He laughed at the jokes that the guests had told, even the day after the event. As he thought and thought of the party, his personal guardian walked into the room.

"Hello sir. Ummm, I would like to speak with you, if that would be okay with you," the tall, black-haired woman said, stroding around the living room, enjoying the elderly man's face.

"Madaline, you know you can talk to me whenever you desire," he smiled over to her, "Go on, speak!" he demanded, and then afterward snickered. Madaline strode over to Kenny, and sat near him on the couch to the left of his seat. She glared at him, piercing his soul with her gorgeous blue eyes. She grabbed his arm, and cleared her throat.

"We both know the end is coming, I would just like you to make your will before you perish," she said, Kenny listening carefully, his eye filling with tears. He knew that he was not going to last long on the world, and he knew it was the right time to plan his will. But he always made excuses to do it later, until that day, where he decided to not do it.

"I know, dear, I know. But my wife has a long ay to go to die, she'll do it. Tell her to give it all to my newborn gandson," he stopped to enter a coughing fit, then continued with his statement, "And if she refuses, which I know she will, give him this amulet," He dived into his shelves and drawers, looking for the item. When he finally found it, he screamed out in joy, as if the lightbulb above his head just turned on. He grabbed it, and carefully went back up, careful not to damage his back. He showed it to his guardian, Madaline. She gasped, the beauty of the amulet made her eyes shine. "This is...well, just tell him it was from me," Kenny told her. She nodded.

Madaline stood up, nodded at him and stepped out of the room. When the door was completely shut. she gazed at the amulet, she kew what it was and what it did. It was the one item she had been looking for all her life. That amulet would rise her to power. But se could not yet use it for its real purpose, for she was not too advanced in that department yet. She would have to give it to his grandson until she could.

****************************************************************
The day after:

"Kenny Jenkins, the richest man in all the world, died today at the age of 104 from an unknown cause. No other information was provided about the case, but investigators will most likely find something."
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Romy Welsch
 
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Post » Sun May 29, 2011 1:57 am

It certainly sounds like an interesting story, friend. :)

Just might wanna correct some spelling and grammatical errors though. I'll also point out anything that seems off. I know you may not like this criticism at first, believe me I know what it feels like as I have some work done in the Fan-Fic sections on this forum and some of the first responses I got weren't very encouraging, but after a while I was really grateful for the advice I got, it made me a better writer (which isn't saying much, but self improvement is always a good thing!)

Prologue: The Death

Kenny, the old man sitting in a red chair, sat at his seat (We already know this from the previous sentence), reading the newspaper and thinking happy thoughts. He had just turned one hundred and four the day before, and was still enjoying the huge surprise party that his guardian had thrown for him. He had the greatest time, no music, (seems rather disjoint. "No music" should have been in a separate sentence.) but relatives he had not seen for ten or more (over ten) years came, and some of his closest friend went (came too). Unfortunately though, that would be his last memory, or regular memory. He laughed at the jokes that the guests had told, even the day after the event. As he thought and thought of the party, his personal guardian walked into the room.

"Hello sir. Ummm, I would like to speak with you, if that would be okay with you," the tall, black-haired woman said, stroding (I think you meant "striding") around the living room, enjoying the elderly man's face (What?).

"Madaline, you know you can talk to me whenever you desire," he smiled over to her, "Go on, speak!" he demanded, and then afterwards snickered. Madaline strode over to Kenny, and sat near him on the couch to the left of his seat. She glared at him, piercing his soul with her gorgeous blue eyes. She grabbed his arm, and cleared her throat.

"We both know the end is coming, I would just like you to make your will before you perish," she said, Kenny listening carefully, his eye filling with tears. He knew that he was not going to last long on ( "in" perhaps) the world, and he knew it was the right time to plan his will. But he always made excuses to do it later, until that day, where he decided to not do it (Not to do what? Make excuses or write the will? Specify. Ending at "not to" would have worked.).

"I know, dear, I know. But my wife has a long way to go to die, she'll do it. Tell her to give it all to my newborn grandson," he stopped to enter a coughing fit ( "enter" wouldn't be the right term.), then continued with his statement, "And if she refuses, which I know she will, give him this amulet, (Is it a she or a he? Or are you talking about two different people?)" He dived into his shelves and drawers, looking for the item. When he finally found it, he screamed out in joy, as if the light-bulb above his head just turned on. He grabbed it, and carefully went back up, careful (You already used that word in the sentence. Try using another.)not to damage his back. He showed it to his guardian, Madaline. She gasped, the beauty of the amulet made her eyes shine. "This is...well, just tell him it was from me," Kenny told her. She nodded.

Madaline stood up, nodded at him and stepped out of the room. When the door was completely shut. she gazed at the amulet, she knew what it was and what it did. It was the one item she had been looking for all her life. That amulet would rise (raise) her to power. But she could not yet use it for its real purpose, for she was not too advanced (yet advanced enough) in that department. She would have to give it to his grandson until she could ( "was" would be a better word, because you're supposed to refer to the statement just before, not the one made at the beginning of the sentence.).

****************************************************************
The day after:

"Kenny Jenkins, the richest man in all the world, died today at the age of 104 from an unknown cause. No other information was provided about the case, but investigators will most likely find something."


Bear in mind, I'm not professional editor, but this is all I can offer. Hopefully you can take something from this and make your story even better. I wish you the best of luck. Don't forget to proof read several days after writing, and again just before posting though!

:D
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sam smith
 
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Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2007 3:55 am

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 2:24 pm

To be honest: I didn't think it was that great

It's a decent start but if I had to guess you probably haven't had too much experience writing. A lot of the sentence structure is choppy (in due partly because of punctuation) and didn't fit well with the flow of the story.

I'd also suggest going back and proofreading your story to eliminate errors as there were several spelling mistakes/letters left of of words.

As far as choppiness of the story take for example the first sentence:

"Kenny, the old man sitting in a red chair, sat at his seat, reading the newspaper and thinking happy thoughts"

If Kenny is sitting in a red chair then we're assuming that it's his seat already. We don't need to be told twice that it's his chair/seat. If you meant something else it's not entirely clear so it would be best to go back and make it clear for the reader.

Practice more if you really want to make writing your thing. Keep posting but there is a lot of room for improvement.
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Kevin S
 
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Joined: Sat Aug 11, 2007 12:50 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 9:14 pm

I'm not the greatest author (but wow, that many typos?) and sometimes I write something and I don't go back to see if I did anything wrong. Oh, and the first sentence was a joke. I thought you'd get it. :sadvaultboy:
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Ross Zombie
 
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Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:40 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 3:35 pm

I will post a chapter a day (hopefully) for now on and will post short drafts. I'll then edit it later, I'm just lazy like that.
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Sheila Reyes
 
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Joined: Thu Dec 28, 2006 7:40 am

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 6:46 pm

I will post a chapter a day (hopefully) for now on and will post short drafts. I'll then edit it later, I'm just lazy like that.


I would most certainly enjoy that. Please do. :)
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Eve Booker
 
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