So there I was, on the side of the rebellion. The goal was to hack the vents so the reactor would go all kablooey and kill everyone which was a really super dooper smart genius idea to begin with.

That right there should have tipped me off to the trials I was about to face. Because no sooner did the match begin, that I began to wonder what game I was in, as it was quickly apparent that everyone around me was infected with the T virus. (The "T" in this case, stands for "Tard." )

I switch to operative at the match start, and scurry towards the objective. A large vent system that needs to be hacked apparently. I manage to somehow out speed my entire team, despite being only a medium class character and quickly turn the corner into one of the vent chambers. I was under the assumption I could run straight to the objective, wait for assistance, then begin the long and painful process of hacking.

Stupid move on my part. Never bet on getting help when you're playing offline with Bots.


I turn the corner and low and behold, the entire chamber is infested with bad-guys. Mines have been placed on both doors, 2 turrets are covering 90% of the room and it looks like a radiohead concert, because everyone is just standing around waiting for something to happen.

I take a brief moment to wait for backup, which never comes. Furiously, I scan around looking for any sign of assistance. I suddenly hear "I'm going for the command post". Well thank you. That's super helpful I mutter to nobody but myself. Almost as soon as it was captured, the one tiny pip of health that I received from that pointless endeavor was quickly wiped off my health bar when a light medic turned the corner and decided to relieve himself of 2 hot sweaty barrels of delicious buckshot directly into my mouth.

As I sit there on my back, stunned at the utter incompetence of my team, I look over to my left and see a medic symbol trudging dutifully towards my location. "Ah, good! the cavalry has arrived!" I think to myself.

....ah. Futile hope is so endearing isn't it?

Alas, my would-be rescuer has a slight problem. The aforementioned T-virus. This medic is loaded with it. I'll leave you with the delicious irony of that statement. Apparently nobody makes them take a whiz-quiz before they sign up to join the noble ranks of Cannon-Fodder Inc.

Case in point, the medic in full sprint to my location, gets caught on some boxes placed strategically in the middle of the open area, turns 180degrees and proceeds to hump the wall behind him with such vigorous fury that my anger turned to horror, turned to awkward embarrassment at being present for what should probably have been a private moment between humper and humpee.

Putting the legal implications of "wall-[censored]" behind me, I chose to respawn with the next reinforcements. I was pleased to see that we had captured all the command posts. Not because they are of any real value, mind-you, but because now hopefully we could all collectively focus on the SINGLE F*N OBJECTIVE that might actually lead to a successful close of this little operation.

We charged together up the ramp, towards the vents and.....immediately scattered like pigeons on a firing range.

Cursing the A.I. I readied my rifle and grudgingly trudged on.

Running to the other side this time, in hopes of catching the enemy off-guard, I ran into the other vent system, and found it happily un-occupied by either side. I smiled for just a moment, as I hefted the hack-module into place, allowing myself a tiny modicum of hope that this might end in success.

Hope, it would seem, exists only to cause pain and anguish to those with whom it roosts.

For you see, as I sat there, cowering behind the pillar, tiny PDA thing in hand, muttering obscenities as the meter seemed to actually go backwards at times, completely un-armed, I realized I was no longer alone.

Peeking out from behind the pillar, I see the entire force of my opponents converging on me.

I suddenly knew exactly what it feels like to be a small child, separated from one's parents in the mall......on a NAMBLA shopping weekend.

With all sights bearing down upon my soft, supple butt-hole, I switched to weapons and let loose with a furious stream of self preserving lead and shouted at the top of my lungs a fearsome battlecry:

THAT'S MY PURSE!!! I DON'T KNOW YOU!!!!


But to no avail.


I was gunned down, and (presumably) sodomized by the victorious forces. As I awaited my respawn I heard the dreaded words....

"I'm capturing the command post!"

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU......!!!!!



My apoplectic rage now giving birth to a small aneurysm of the soul, I abandoned all intentions of stealth. Hurling myself at the enemy time and time again, with no regard for safety or tactic I managed to whittle away the enemy defenses and once again, splatter my horrible seed of corruption all over the formerly pristine white walls of oppression. With my hack-box in place I once again do the "oh please god don't shoot me" dance as I wait for that cursed bar to fill.

Occasionally I'm aided by someone on my team who, presumably for lack of being able to find the nearest command post, stumbled into my hiding spot and decided it might be worth spending a brief moment defending me in my time of personal crisis whilst my pants grew ever moist with fear of being detected.

These efforts were often in vain, as my team apparently have problems defending themselves against 8 other characters armed with chain-guns and shotguns. Who'da-thunk it?

After dashing around the pillar for several minutes, and barely surviving several small skirmishes as my team heroically threw themselves (1 by 1 mind you) onto the spears of our enemies, I finally manage to get the stupid bar up to 80% before an errant grenade wipes away what little health I had. I managed to look up to see my attacker just in time to make sweet face-love to the butt of his gun. I wasn't alive to see it, but the enemy hordes probably went back to giving each other high-fives, and rubbing each others sausages for good luck.


Upon re-spawning, I run as fast as I can back to my hack-box just in time to see a single engineer quickly spray-paint away my little box in less than half the time it took me to plant it.

We quickly lost after that.



Sooooooooooooooooooo........................



Questions that come to mind....

-Why the hell does the enemy defenders cluster up like teenage girls on the last Blu-Ray copy of "Twilight" while my team members scatter to the 4 winds?

-Why does the operative have to have the worst objectives in the game? Sure, several operatives can make the bar fill quicker, but considering the relative defenselessness of the class during this process does it have to be so insanely time-consuming?? And at the very least, shouldn't you be a primary concern for your team when performing this action?

-After being [censored] so hard by Security, why does it burn when I pee?


Oh and before I forget, it's always nice to be reminded ......Every....Single...... Minute..... that I'm not connected to the PlayStation Network.
So nice of you to remind me. You know... just in case I missed MSN, MSNBC, CBS, FOX, CNN, PBS, You-Tube, every single radio station, magazine, newspaper, blimp sign, taxi notification, precognative vision, and text message in the past 3 weeks.

Clearly the single player offline aspect of this game is comprised of pain, hate, and venereal disease. And I have drunk deep from your cup of villainous plenty.


Honestly, it's a great game, but will probably be alot more fun online.....whenever that comes to pass. But until then, me and my crack-squad of elite super soldiers cloned from the tissue of Gomer Pyle will have to suffice.


Sad Boosh.

You sound like your having fun actually. Mostly when you went on that killing spree.

Think of it as training for when you finally get online. All your online friends will be like, "Where's bob?"

Meanwhile you will be 90% finished the objective while the entire enemy team is dead because you've learned to do things yourself.

funniest thing i have read in days. thanks for the laugh.


"I'm going for the command post"

Haha i know exactly how you felt haha, numerous times i completed objectives single handed while my team ran around like chickens with their heads cut off. I cant wait to play online tho

Many thanks for the post - we share your pain and appreciate the laughs!

One hopes that devs are reading carefully with a view to patching the AI. I assume that, in testing, combined AI and human teams were finding things too easy vs all-bot opposition and, with release dates looming, the quick decision to dumb-down our AI compadres was taken.

We've all witnessed the fetish-level obssession our team displays towards CPs. "I'm going for the Command Post" will soon be a part of gaming lore!

Whilst I've been, blessedly, spared any wall-humping, I too have seen some classics and have yet to complete a single mission in offline campaign without having to do all the heavy-lifting myself. I fervently hope that this isn't by design. Though, like you, I contain to struggle on, here are some of my faves:

-My team concentrating on EVERYTHING EXCEPT being in proximity with the maint bot (and thus keeping it moving-duh!) on Container City. My game was reduced to me duck-walking behind the bot whilst they came over all TDM and basically left me to it. Thank god for the lack of any K/D stats!
-My team diligently avoiding me as I desperately raced through the Terminal with a passkey. Hope flared briefly as 3 of my mates arrived in the main stairwell, presumably by accident. Alas, they immediately left to do other things and I swiftly joined Elvis. Many, many times.
-My team concentrating their efforts on preventing the construction of a side-barricade, despite my having blown up the main one, leaving me to switch to Engineer and try to repair the crane all on my lonesome. It ended badly, suffice to say.

I've read somewhere that patching the friendly-team AI is both do-able and in the offing - here's hoping, eh? If they can do so and then add some form of lobby-system, I'll be playing nothing else until Rage comes out.

I do hope the A.I. gets better. Right now it's like a team of squirrels with ADD in a room full of nuts.

Speaking of nuts, when things get hard, I just remember the battle-cry of victory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G67WOMGfH7E&feature=related




Oorah

I've read many complaint threads about the utterly stupid AI... but this is hands down the best.

I'm not sure if any of that was a complaint. More like stand up comedy.

You sir need to send me a therapy bill. That little diatribe was solid WIN! I spent the better part of three hours working on that mission only to suffer the same results, or to even have one of the bots be an Operative that only stood in the vent hack area shooting the enemy when I was CLEARLY guarding him with turrets and mines, stupid son of a goat! However I hate to be the person to inform you of this. Your experiences of the "T-Virus" during this mission are not at an end. You may, WILL see the virus reach new heights once you are past the vent system and attempting your next mission. Be prepared as I was with several glasses of hard liquor and a fluffy bunny to help sooth your nerves afterwards.

Glad I'm done with the single player, some objectives were near impossible to beat on solo hard mode, but it somehow all worked out.

The original post is Epic Win.

That is all.