my WIP

Post » Fri May 27, 2011 12:25 pm

Hello All. I just came upon this forum which I've known about for a while, however I did not know of the lore section =O. Anyways, I'm going to post a story project I've most recently started working on. I made this Nord character on Oblivion which I was going to start as my main character for the time being. I then decided to write a history for the character. Where he came from, how he got there, and what he would do once I finished playing him.

When I began the story I actually created a city that would be inside of Skyrim. Well it wouldn't be so much a large city with walls in such but more of a settlement that is built on a quite grand scale.

Anyways I hope you enjoy reading what I've got so far. I'd love criticism as well!

Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion
Dalek Rosemare

Dalek had grown up in the icy mountains of Skyrim. From an early age he had gained great strength and knowledge. Dalek's father, Morris Rosemare, was the head of a secret order of knights. They worked directly for anyone who hired them. Most of the members traveled freely throughout the lands while few stayed together. They had meetings between one another very rarely. Morris trained Dalek in the ways of the knight. Dalek became wise, respectful, and vigilant.
Once Dalek reached the age of fifteen he left his home to travel the outer mountains of Skyrim. He eventually ran into other members of the knights' order. They taught him skills that he had not learned from his father. Things like alchemy, marksmanship, and how to skillfully hunt. The ability to hunt also would have made him a cunning fighter when it came to sword to sword combat.
Dalek continued on his journey. He explored to the edges of Skyrim until he finally returned to his home. His father had gone; remaining in his place was a letter. It read of hardship Morris had fought during Dalek's absence. The knights' order was being pulled apart by another group of knights. The knights were a selection of Redguards and Bretons that had vowed to cleanse the realm of the Nord run knights' order. Dalek traveled to Solitude, the place his father had given reference as to the opposing knights base. Dalek arrived to the capital and was appalled by what he found. His father was on trial for murder. A stray Redguard had been killed. His brethren accused the newest face he'd seen as of late, Morris.
Dalek fought for his fathers reprieve but was given no such prize. Morris Rosemare was put to death when Dalek was only seventeen. After the death of Sir Morris, Dalek was in ruins. He traveled the land of Skyrim once more, helplessly searching for a cause. He once more ran into a traveling band of knights. The original knights of his fathers order. They banned together and did odd jobs around the realm. They over time worked their way up in the ranks of the other great knights and warriors in the country.
However, tragedy struck during a raid of a band of bandits. While Dalek was searching the surrounding area he mistakenly fired an arrow at an imperial legion officer scouting the border of Cyrodiil and Skyrim. Dalek was taken to Bruma where he was prisoned. He was later moved to the Imperial prison to await judgment. Luckily for him however, his life was soon to be pulled into a tale of adventure and mystery, where he would be given the chance to become the champion of the known world.


The Rosemare
Lineage



Visrock Mallenstorn------------------------------------------------(Maria Rosemare)
| |
Lorious Mallenstorn---(unknown wife) Marren Rosemare------(Kyris Varrenwood) (wife)
| |
Tarious Mallenstorn Morris Rosemare-----(Nara Tarmis)
|
Dalek Rosemare

Family Bios

Visrock Mallenstorn:
Abandoned as a child, he was left at an encampment of local Nord barbarians. A man named Bren Mallenstorn took the boy under his wing personally, tending to his personal needs. They raised him as their own, training him as a warrior. Once he was grown he possessed great strength. He followed his friends into battle many times, coming out on top. At a very young age he grew to have a large amount of power in the encampment. His father figure, Bran, was one of the village heads and had high political power over the tribe. Bran allowed Visrock to assist in decision making among other things, however Visrock wanted more. He wasn't happy with just assisting. He soon became more influential by gaining the trust of other village leaders. Bran felt threatened by this power increase and tried talking to Visrock to have him stop this conquest he was on. Visrock wouldn't have it. He struck Bran, crippling him for life. The village would not allow themselves to be led by a cripple elderly man. They forced Bran out of his position of power where he became a mere peasant. Visrock was then pushed into the position as leader of the village, but with all the trust and loyalty he had he was able to become the head of the village and all the other leaders that currently had power rolls.
For some time Visrock ran the village grandly. It become prosperous and was able to cement itself into the world as a legitimate city. Visrock named it after the man that took him in when he arrived in the once small settlement of barbarians, Mallenstorn. Visrock also found this man once more and apologized for the pain and suffering he had caused him. He allowed Bran to live amongst him in the mansion that was build for him.
In twenty short years Visrock had lead the small and barbaric village to become a large and prosperous city. When Visrock was forty-three however he met a traveler who was passing through the area. She had been traveling with a band of Nord merchants when they were attacked by a group of Redguards. She had escaped but the rest of her group had been slaughtered. Visrock took pity on her and allowed her to stay with him while she recovered. She went by no first name but by her last name, Rosemare. They become good friends over the next series of days together, when she was given the name Maria. Soon after this they fell in love and had children. Two were boys while the third was a girl.
Tragically during a cold winter night a band of Nords assaulted the city. They set Visrock's mansion ablaze. Everyone but Jeselia, the daughter, survived the fire. The city was quickly repaired while the Nords were tracked and killed. Visrock fell into a deep state of depression, from which he never fully recovered. Visrock lived for another ten years when he was killed in a siege occurring on his city. The city was ransacked, leaving few people with a home. Over time once more the city was repaired, but it never returned to the former glory it once had with Visrock as its leader.


Maria Rosemare:
Not much is entirely known about Maria. She grew up in Solitude where she was raised by her parents. They were traveling traders, causing them to leave home often. Maria soon learned the ways of trade and set off on her own. She was only thirty-three when she was traveling with a small band on traders. They were attacked by Redguards. She survived to travel to the city of Mallenstorn, where she met her love Visrock. After they had children she lived a quiet life, mostly staying at home to tend to them young ones. Visrock still lived a life of adventure until the death of their daughter. This event caused them to both become very protective. Visrock finally died in an attack on his city. He was fifty-five. Maria tried leading the city upon Visrock's death to no avail. She soon left the city in the hands of her son Lorious. Being the older of the two brothers he was the only possible choice. Maria assisted her young son in the control and running of the city until she grew terribly ill. She died peacefully in her sleep when she was sixty-eight.

Lorious Mallenstorn:
Lorious, the older of the two sons, grew up adoring his father. He loved all the events his father allowed him to accompany him on; hunting, fighting, traveling to name a few. When Visrock died, Lorious was hit hard by it. He became very quiet and stayed much to himself. His mother tried to make him feel better but he never really warmed to her. He didn't think she was as important as his father had been. He honestly didn't like his mother seeing her as weak and powerless. When she fell ill he was suspected of the event. She named him the head of the city however making the motive unclear.
After Loriouses mother died he had his brother Marren sent out of the area. Marren was appalled by his brother's actions. Lorious saw Marren as more like his mother, therefore he saw no need to keep him around. Once Marren was gone Lorious had no one to question his decisions. However try as he might, he was not Visrock and he was not able to return his city to its former glory before the attacks. Lorious was said to be loosing sanity because he was not able to get the city to become a well known area in Skyrim.
When Lorious was nearing his thirties he met a woman who was never later named. He had a child with this woman, seemingly making him become a little more coordinated with his mindset. The women however went missing soon after the child's birth. Lorious ruled over the city for another long thirty years until his brother returned surprisingly. Lorious was furious, but being twenty years older, was too old to fight his still young brother. Marren took the city from his brother Lorious. Lorious lived the remaining ten years of his life in solitude. He stayed to himself and abandoned his son who was taken in by Marren.

Marren Rosemare:
Marren was born twenty years after Lorious had been. His father was dead and his mother was old and feeble. When his mother died his brother turned on him, sending him from the city he had a right to be within. Marren made his way through the frozen wasteland of Skyrim until he ran into a small slum of a town. He lived with a man he became close friends with. The man was a knight that had worked for the emperor of Cyrodiil. Marren was trained by the man in both fighting and other traits.
Marren returned to the city he had been promised to rule by his mother. He took the power of rule from his brother, forcing him into a state of sadness and rage. Marren also took in his brother's son, along with his own. He had been with a woman in the small village he'd grown up in; sadly she had passed away soon after the birth. He raised both the boys the way the knight had raised him. They became fine young men and were his pride and joy in the world. Marren lived out a happy seventy year life. He left the city to his brother's son Tarious while his legitimate son Morris chose to adventure across Skyrim.


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Cayal
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 12:01 pm

Wrong section. Try the fan fiction
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Theodore Walling
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 3:31 pm

Well, first and foremost I would recommend sticking to the default font for these forums. I wouldn't be surprised if half the people who clicked on this thread immediately left. I had to scroll up the font size in my browser and it still gave me a headache.

Secondly, there is nothing wrong to creating a 'family tree' (that's what is reads like) for your character. It helps with the role-playing, and is important in understanding how and why they have developed as they have. However, without some context, some story or plot I'm afraid it wasn't very interesting. You don't know enough about any of the characters to care. Personally, I feel that including information like what happened in their early life/to their parents etc in the story as recollections or memories later on is a much better way of conveying the information. Or if you want to include it before the main plot, then create a backstory (as you have) but perhaps write it more in the style of a novel. That also allows you to slip out the details more slowly so they can be absorbed much better. At the moment you are getting each characters life story in one paragraph!

Thirdly, you writing isn't bad. The main thing that sticks out is that all your sentences are almost always the same length, between 9 and 13 syllables. This doesn't help the reader, there is no natural rhythm and it just feels a bit ploddy: " 1 2 3 4 5 *stop* 1 2 3 4 5 *stop*" <- bad way of describing it but the best I can think of! It's much like reading a children's story (no offence). Varying your sentence structure and length will help tremendously.

Anyway, despite everything you have a good background for starting a great fanfic, and I wish you good luck with it. :)




Edit: I only just noticed you joined today. Oops, I sure gave you a welcome and a half! But yeah, welcome to the forums ^_^
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Glu Glu
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 11:05 am

Argh!Can't read! Instant Migraine.
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Ashley Campos
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 4:50 pm

I see this as preparation for creating a fan fic. All it takes is some spit and a whole lot of duck tape. :D
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Lizbeth Ruiz
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 3:31 pm

Thanks for the feed back. (Sorry bout the wrong section post.) Ya sorry, I copied and pasted this from word and had to change the text font for it to work. Didn't think about the reading difficulty ^_^ . Fixed btw. Ya I know the writings a bit sketchy but normally when I write out character bios I write pretty quickly, just to give myself the general idea. If I write short stories for some of the key events occurring in the characters lives I'll definitely make the writing better.
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Charleigh Anderson
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 1:51 pm

Ignore people who say this way hard to read. It was fine, but usually on the fan fiction forums, we use a space between paragraphs.

Like

So

They were nice though, nothing makes TES fun like giving your characters a back story.
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Brandon Wilson
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 3:45 pm

Ack... how rude of us... Sorry about how long it took for you to recieve your http://haveafishystick.ytmnd.com/.
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Hayley Bristow
 
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Joined: Tue Oct 31, 2006 12:24 am

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 12:20 am

Ack... how rude of us... Sorry about how long it took for you to recieve your http://haveafishystick.ytmnd.com/.


You know I never got a fishy stick when I joined.

Its pretty good, just use the defaut font, and like Faldom said a space between paragraphs. Pretty decent character.
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Emily Graham
 
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Joined: Sat Jul 22, 2006 11:34 am

Post » Fri May 27, 2011 12:05 pm

I never got a fishy stick either!
Outrage.

Yeah, change the font, it hurts. :(
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Logan Greenwood
 
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