Introlude....



Tamriel. A land of mystery, of faith, of union. A land filled with secret powers, waiting to be awakened. Fifty years after the Oblivion crisis, the many nations have had peace. Trade has been great, and the guilds prosper... but all shall change, as a dark power is awakened. And with it, comes one thing..... Terror.


In the ashlands of Morrowind, a great Dwemer Ruin looms on top of a cliff. A ruin, that has not been disturbed for many centuries.... until now.
***

"Im telling you master, this place looms with darkness!" a voice echoes throughout the valley of this Dwemer Ruin, five mages walking through it. One a Dunmer, two Breton's, and three Imperials. Accompanying them as body guards are six mercanaries, four wearing Chitin Armor, and two in boiled Netch Leather, there faces covered in mask. The group reaches a great stone door, Dwemer Runes decorating the front. The Dunmer smiles deeply, raising two hands toward the door and muttering ancient language.

His hands become enveloped in blinding light as the runes on the door begin to glow brightly! His partners look in amazement as the door slowly begins to creak open, dirt and dust pouring from the top of this ancient landmark.

Introlude....



Tamriel. A land of mystery, of faith, of union. A land filled with secret powers, waiting to be awakened. Fifty years after the Oblivion crisis, the many nations have had peace. Trade has been great, and the guilds prosper... but all shall change, as a dark power is awakened. And with it, comes one thing..... Terror.


In the ashlands of Morrowind, a great Dwemer Ruin looms on top of a cliff. A ruin, that has not been disturbed for many centuries.... until now.
***

"Im telling you master, this place looms with darkness!" a voice echoes throughout the valley of this Dwemer Ruin, five mages walking through it. One a Dunmer, two Breton's, and three Imperials. Accompanying them as body guards are six mercanaries, four wearing Chitin Armor, and two in boiled Netch Leather, there faces covered in mask. The group reaches a great stone door, Dwemer Runes decorating the front. The Dunmer smiles deeply, raising two hands toward the door and muttering ancient language.

His hands become enveloped in blinding light as the runes on the door begin to glow brightly! His partners look in amazement as the door slowly begins to creak open, dirt and dust pouring from the top of this ancient landmark.

He turns to them, grinning, "Shall we enter?"

Nervously, they nod knowing all to well what happens when they dont obey there master. As the group descends through the hall, many statues of ancient civilizations are visible. A cold breeze blows through the ruin's, causing all but the one Dunmer Mage to shiver.

"Master..." one of the Breton's weeze, "Do.... Do you mind if I perhaps, just wait outside?"

Chuckling, the Dunmer replies, "As a matter of fact, yes I do. No one dares run away from fate, for fate always catches up to them."

"Fa-... fate? I hope by that, you mean fortune."

"No... no I do not."

The breton gulps deeply as they continue to pass halls. Surprisingly, not even the sound of gears is heard. No mechanical guards.

The Dunmer speaks louder, "This was a temple dedicated to some Dwemer's research! His area in magic was very powerful, and he beleived that if he found the right things for it, he could build a great tower that would ascend him into a god. But the final componenents, he never managed to get. He ended up dying, his neck sliced, for his power was so great, his heart never stopped beating."

They reach a great corridor, three very large statues seeming to look down upon them, there hands wrapped on the top of a handle for a blade. There faces and bodies, cowled by stone cloak. In the middle is a altar, where red stains appear to be. The Dunmer walks to it, and sets a hand on its stone top.

"Um.. Master.... What exactly were the components?" the Breton sqeaks, most of the group trembling.

Grinning without turning, the Dunmer says, "The first... was the flesh, bone, and blood of others."

Eyes widening in horror for the entire group of mages, the Breton begins to moan, "No... no you wouldnt..."

Slowly turning, the Dunmer grins deeply. "Oh... yes I would..." He raises one hand, firing a lightning bolt from it, into the chest of the noisy Breton! His companions watch in horror as his body turns into a charred corpse, but immidietly retaliate with minor fireballs!

The Dunmer flings a very powerful Telekenises at the fireballs, causing them to recoil! The mercanaries however, blades already drawn, charge at the Dunmer! He pushes them back with more powerful telekenetic power, then pulls there weapons out of there hands, slitting most of there throats with the exception of one.

The one gets up, trying to run away as the Dunmer slowly walks in his direction. The eyes of the statue's around them glow a bright red, the skin of the dead mages and mercanries beggining to peel apart, wrapping around the Dunmer's hand slowly without him noticing.

The remaining mercanary runs to the direction where they entered the corridor, but only finds more wall blocking his way.

"No... please dont!" he says, turning around, his black sliding down the wall as the Dunmer walks closer to him. "Ill give you anything, I swear! Let me live! JUST LET ME LIVE PLEASE!"

The Dunmer chuckles, his own eyes glowing a much more demonic red then the usual Dunmer natural eye color. "Sadly.... you have nothing I want, other then a sacrifice."







Screams of terror can be heard through out the halls, echoing for miles.

I'm sorry, I know this is probably meant to be serious, but it actually came across quite humorous. The first two sentences I quoted particularly. Probably due to the language you have used to describe everything.

The beginning seems very clich? and the first speech we hear gives the impression of a whiny, cowering youth. Additionally, in such a short first post they have arrived at the ruins, walked through it, found an altar, and been horribly sacrificed. There just needs to be more depth to the description, you need to build tension, a palpable sense of fear. At the moment it's like they are processing ceremoniously down the aisle, paying no attention to anything they pass.

The final line I quoted I quite liked in essence, but again it was lacking something. It just doesn't have that "alive" feeling of a good book. It needs some re-working.

On a good note, I thought the actual setting and plot of this beginning was good. You've jumped straight in there with something interesting and (potentially) gripping. I'd just make it much longer, with much more descriptions and feeling.

:)

Firstly, wtf is that? But yehh, I agree with everything esmerelde said. You just need to flesh it out, a lot..

the title itself is probably the lamest, most corny thing i have ever read.

I agree alot with the Title, but couldnt think of anything else. As for the introlude or however its spelled... well I will just have to click the edit button before moving on ))

i think you mean introduction.

...or possbily interlude, but that wouldn't make sense because an interlude is in the middle of something.

Prelude?

K everyone, I edited it. Give me feed back please, and I will see if I can move on from here, or if it needs just a little more detail... though everything does in my opinion ))

I didn't realise you had edited your post. This is a thousand times better than the original, though it still needs some work.

Firstly and most obviously, you use exclamation marks all over the shop. I think a less liberal sprinkling would keep the atmosphere more tense, rather than jumping up in excitement every other paragraph. A lot of them are unnecessary.

The opening is still a little clich? (the italics part, but hey if you like it, keep it), and I think Prelude would be better than Introlude. Or maybe Prologue, as that is generally what is used in books.

I see you kept the opening "whiny" line that I commented on before, only reading through the rest of the dialogue, I actually like it now. You have fleshed out the characters that are accompanying the Dunmer, and it is apparent that they are all..."weaklings" I guess is a good way to describe it, whereas originally it seemed like they were more scholars who I wouldn't have expected to act that way. So I think you've done well there.

In general I thought most of the dialogue was well written, with personalities and emotions coming across very well.

Anyway, to finish I'm just going to highlight some of the stuff that I thought was still a bit jarring to read (more re-wording would help):

Thanks for the feedback


That is basically one of my prolblems when it comes to fanfics. I know that if I could just get my punctuation correct and describe better, it would most likely be very interesting. Partly its because of motivation. I prefer to just roleplay on Wow or somthing instead of actually put 100% effort into these things.

Anyways, I will try to make the rest better (assuming I get my lazy ass to work on this again lol )

=pulls out his stamper of P.H.A.I.L. Stamps this Fanfic- Can a mod close this please?

Go to sleep.