Thread moved. See http://www.gamesas.com/bgsforums/index.php?showtopic=972134 please!

Well then...

Is the eh, maybe not the right place to put this, or is nobody interested in reading it?

Perhaps I will revise the introductory chapters and re-post with the updated version. The authorship will certainly be superior to what it is now. Maybe that will lead to a better reception?

For starters, this story never really worked in the form of a diary. Thus, I am changing the attitude and tense throughout the piece to resemble more of a memoir.
I think that will help the readability and immersion.

I think people lose a bit of interest as soon as there is a link to an external site. No offense but it might be good to post your stories in the forum itself.

I agree with Peleus. Also, the website isn't exactly...eye catching. The grey and black colour scheme doesn't help, but maybe that's just me

Also, this is a fairly slow moving forum, you could post 5 chapters before anyone makes a comment, don't feel too bad.

I recommend you post a chapter at a time in the forum itself.

You did just post an eighty chapter story all at once. It's easier by far to post chapters one at a time and let people comment on the story as it progresses. Post one every other day and you'll keep us entertained for half a year.

took a look at the first batch of chapters and to be honest you aren't going to get many readers if the opening doesn't grab them. While I'm sure you think you wrote a great account of the tutorial dungeon, we've all been there and done that. You say in your post that you won't rewrite them if it's not popular but it won't be popular unless you do. Find a way to make it unique, perhaps cut it all together and start after she's left the sewers.

I see, I see.

Ok, I'm currently in the process of re-writting the first chapters. As I do, I will post them here on the forum. It's going to be incredibly long though...

Long is good, I took a look at some of the rest of the story, and I really enjoyed it.

However there are several inconsistencies and the 'chapter' breaks seem to happen randomly, you say it is a diary but then break off in the middle of the action only to continue where you left off. If I were you, I would remove the numbered breaks on each page and make it a page per chapter, that way it is only 8 chapters and it won't scare off readers who think it will take hours to read when really each chapter is very short, at a guess I'd say less than 1000 words.

I really like how you characterise Claire and how you expand on processes like alchemy, and the way you described the staff of everscamp I thought was brilliant.

Actually you're right. The chapters do break in random places. This is because, as I was writing it, I broke the chapter at whatever point I had finished writing for the night. I would then post what I had, go to bed, and start writing again later. I never reorganized the chapters.

This thing really needs a lot of work, haha.

I think I will sit here and fix it for a while, then post some new stuff in short order.

Here is a link to the new thread, where I will be taking opinions and developing the story into its best version yet.

I am hoping to get user feedback, such that I can turn this thing into something rather respectable.

http://www.gamesas.com/bgsforums/index.php?showtopic=972134

Please join me there and take a fresh look. As suggested, I will be posting updates directly into the forum page, so that it's easier and safer for the members to read.

Please do not make two topics on this, any comments can be made in the story thread that you have linked to.