My Turn, Part Two

Post » Sun May 01, 2011 4:06 pm

II

A stranger rounded the hallway corner, out of breath and soaked to the bone. As he approached the bar, his squishing footsteps disturbed the tranquility.
"Does it always rain like this here?" He asked aloud. His legs were shivering. The question was mostly for the bartender, but anyone could have replied. No one bothered.
An outlander, thought Traven. He could be a Nord, but he wasn't built like one. Traven relaxed, and tried not to act interested.
The stranger gave a smile to the bartender. He was fishing for some hospitality. Her vacant stare wasn't offering any.
"Outlander," she said impatiently, "what do you need?"
The stranger sat on the stool in front of him, and grabbed a plaid folded cloth from the bar.
"How about some shein?" He asked, sounding unsure of his decision. He dried his face with the cloth.
She set the bottle in front of him, and he paid her.
He took a swig from the bottle and winced. He glanced around the room as he forced the drink down. There were three other people. Two were dark elves, and the third wore bony-looking armor. Perhaps he was a guard. The stranger took another drink and smiled again at the bartender. He almost made another weather comment, but thought against it.
"Come in through Seyda Neen?" asked a gravelly voice behind him.
He turned his head to meet the gaze of a dark elf. The elf motioned to an empty chair at his table. The stranger nodded and eagerly joined him.
"Traven." The introduction was nearly drowned out as the greef bottle met his lips.
"Svaaldig." He drank from his bottle, more as a courtesy.
"Svaaldig? I figured you to be an Imperial. You from Solstheim or Skyrim?"
"Neither." Svaaldig said, clearing his throat. "My father was from Skyrim." He patted his pocket, making sure that his only two remaining septims were still there.
Traven studied Svaaldig's common clothing. This guy must be desperate, he thought.
"I have a job for you, if you need the money." He offered, in a hushed tone.
Svaaldig took another drink and pretended to consider the question. He would do anything for money, given the circumstances. He ran a hand through his short brown hair.
"What do you need done?" Svaaldig surprised himself with his confident tone.
Traven waved off Dulnea's offer for another drink, and checked to see if the others were eavesdropping. They didn't appear to be.
"I'm a bit of a treasure hunter." Admitted Traven.
"Aren't we all?" Svaaldig grinned.
User avatar
Svenja Hedrich
 
Posts: 3496
Joined: Mon Apr 23, 2007 3:18 pm

Post » Sun May 01, 2011 4:42 pm

Why exactly did you make a second thread?
User avatar
Jon O
 
Posts: 3270
Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 9:48 pm

Post » Sun May 01, 2011 11:15 pm

This seems like a continuation of the previous chapter? You should probably put it in the same thread before the mods come to take a look :)

It's a bit more lively than the first part, which is a good thing. However, it is a big wall of text. Some nice breaks in proper places would make reading a lot easier, and would help to not dissuade people from reading it when they see a wall of unbroken text. I'm sure you could make things a lot more interesting with the addition of some emotions as well as the description of surroundings. The little details are what can make a big difference.

For example;

"The candlelight in the Eight Plates Inn was the only source of illumination as the stranger stepped into the inn. Although still within the waking hours, the gleaming sunlight was blocked by the ominous rainclouds overhead. The gentle prattle of rain on the roof intermixed with the warm hush of raindrops hitting the cobblestone pavement outside. The stranger shook droplets of rain from his hands and wiped moisture from his face as his eyes took survey of the locals."

This could easily have been used to serve as the Nord's entrance, and while not particularly wordy, still manages to convey the same meaning as what you have written down, though in a manner that makes it far easier for the average reader who may or may not have played Morrowind enough to be familiar with the Eight Plates Inn to visualize the locale.
User avatar
Christine
 
Posts: 3442
Joined: Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:52 am

Post » Sun May 01, 2011 10:45 pm

This seems like a continuation of the previous chapter? You should probably put it in the same thread before the mods come to take a look :)

It's a bit more lively than the first part, which is a good thing. However, it is a big wall of text. Some nice breaks in proper places would make reading a lot easier, and would help to not dissuade people from reading it when they see a wall of unbroken text. I'm sure you could make things a lot more interesting with the addition of some emotions as well as the description of surroundings. The little details are what can make a big difference.

For example;

"The candlelight in the Eight Plates Inn was the only source of illumination as the stranger stepped into the inn. Although still within the waking hours, the gleaming sunlight was blocked by the ominous rainclouds overhead. The gentle prattle of rain on the roof intermixed with the warm hush of raindrops hitting the cobblestone pavement outside. The stranger shook droplets of rain from his hands and wiped moisture from his face as his eyes took survey of the locals."

This could easily have been used to serve as the Nord's entrance, and while not particularly wordy, still manages to convey the same meaning as what you have written down, though in a manner that makes it far easier for the average reader who may or may not have played Morrowind enough to be familiar with the Eight Plates Inn to visualize the locale.

Damn! Yes, you're right.
1. I didn't know that I shouldn't make a second thread.
2. The details, yes. I love using them; however, I didn't want to overwhelm the reader with too many. I see now that it really doesn't matter how descriptive I want to be. Thank you...
User avatar
Alba Casas
 
Posts: 3478
Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2006 2:31 pm


Return to The Elder Scrolls Series Discussion